niceguy
newbie
Reged: 12/29/06
Posts: 48
Loc: California
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Hello all,
After much thought and consideration I have made my decision to move forward with my life.
In short, I have lost most of my respect and all of my trust for my wife. It is celar that the hole that has been dug over the last 6 weeks is too deep for any ladder to get me out of.
I can say without hesitation that I have truly found myself and remember who I am as a person. I know that I am a kind-hearted honest mand with integrity and character. It is clear that I married a selfish woman who although tshe said that she loves and respects me that this cannot be the case based on having an affair, lying about it and then having the nerve to blame me for the events leading up to it. I have beee very forthcoming in my prior posts and accepted my part of the responsibility.
At the end of the day, she broke her promise that we both made prior to being married (that we woudl tell each other if we ever felt that we could be interested in someone else).
I have given her everything she ever asked for and have never said no. All with the most loving and sincere intentions as I was always madly in love with her and only wanted to give her anything that would please her. I feel as though I have been taken advantage of for being a nice guy.
We will be moving the Bay area of California and have agreed that once we both live in the county for 3 months (CA state law) we will fild for divorce and seek a mediator vs. getting ugly in court with lawyer fees.
I now have peace of mind and am finally sleeping (Wahoo!).
I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your help in this trying time-it really has meant a lot to me and helped me re-discover who I really am.
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Devastated and desperate. The prime example of "Nice guys finish last"
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RyanA
recently joined
Reged: 02/08/07
Posts: 11
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I am in awe of your strength and respect you for making the ultimate decision.
I hope that you are on the road to a better life.
And before you go I would like to say that I'm in the place where you were a few weeks back and would like to say thank you for sharing your feelings for all to share. Some of what you have said and what others have said are helping me in my own time of needs.
It is also startling to see someone else's words and stories that parallel totally the words I can write!
Good luck from one nice guy to another!
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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I'm sorry that its come to this, but I have the utmost respect for you in how you've handled it. The road you're about to go down will be filled with bumps and detours, but if you keep your kids best interests at the forefront of your decisions, you will have no regrets.
Take Care --
Renee
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Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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I understand that you are doing what you need to do in order to survive emotionally. This first period must be hard, specially with all the changes going on. My therapist said that sometimes the first step is to forgive ourselves for letting people take advantage of our honesty and purity of heart. I wish all the best, Fab
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curiousity
recently joined
Reged: 02/14/07
Posts: 2
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Niceguy,
I am very sorry to hear your marriage isn't going to survive. Me coming on to this site was an accident. A couple of months ago I had a big fight with my husband and I was just sitting at work with my door closed sobbing.. I am not the kind of person who discusses dirty details of my marriage with my friends or family so I just wanted to talk to a complete stranger. I didn't.. Instead I ended up on this site and started reading some of the other posts.. It did not make me feel better but it killed time until I got home that evening and talked our problems over with him.
Anyway, since then I have been reading some of the posts and i have to tell you, for some reason, your story is the one that kept me coming back.. Initially I agreed with the people who advised you to stick it out for a little longer to see what happens next. I never think divorce should be taken lightly- people are not disposable commodity and should not be treated as such.. You are invaluable.. You should be the center of the universe for each other's universe, and if she, the most important person in your life fails to recognize that or respect the institution of marriage, then you might just be better off.
I so wanted to see your wife come to her senses. I SOO wanted her to get smacked upside the head and realize how badly she has screwed up and be a little more willing to work things out.. You sound like a genuinly good person and I felt like you were being taken advantage of because of your forgiving nature. While I think it sucks that your marriage is falling apart, I think you are making the right choice for yourself. No one deserves to be blamed for someone else's mistakes, especially if the mistake is of such caliber!!! I cannot believe your wife actually had the guts to blame you for her poor judgement! She cheated, you didn't and that's the bottom line. There are NO excuses. You being absent or emotionally unavailable is not an excuse. She could have communicated her concerns to you before screwing with your marriage. She made the choice not to. Based on your posts, it sounds like you would have done (and did) anything to prevent the break up of your marriage, had she shown a little initiative and remorse. If all you say in your posts is true then she does not deserve you. She should seriously re-examine her moral standards as a woman, wife and a mother.
I don't know you and I don't think I have the right to give you advice but I would like to say one thing to you. No matter how much you love a person, NOT every mistake is a forgivable one.. Marriage is a lot of work and an endless row of compromises and giving in but certain things are important enough to not be messed with and I happen to think trust and integrity should NEVER ever be compromised in a marriage.
I did not agree with some people who told you to "allow her to forgive you" or "give her time to heal or gain interest in you and your marriage". Those are the things she should have expected YOU to feel.. You are the one who is hurt, What exactly is she healing from, the fact that she disrespected you, shown complete disregard for your marriage and her children? Completely unfair, if you ask me! I know that most of the people are gonna disagree with me but I sincerely believe punishment should fit the crime. She was getting off the hook too easily and even if you found a way to stay together, odds are, you would be too angry with her to find happiness in your marriage.. You did not say anything at all that would lead me to believe that she was sorry for a minute for her actions.
Your emotions are too intense and you are probably too involved in this situation to agree with me right now, but in time, after this whole thing is far behind you, I promise you, you will look back and realize that you did the right thing. You made the effort to make things work, you did not just walk out on her without giving her a second, third and 10th chance. You basically took the higher road and you should have no regrets..
Also, I am married to a nice guy. A very considerate, loyal and wonderful human being. He is my world, my everything. Please don't think they finish last. He certainly didn't. He can be a gentle soul and the most amazing husband but he is also a person who does not tolerate people walking all over him, and that includes me, his parents, his best friend, everyone. And for that he has my respect and the respect of people who know him. We have forgiven each other many many mistakes over the years, we are not perfect by any means and we both screw up pretty badly at times, so it's not to say that he is an unforgiving person. Not at all!!!
You sound like a respectable person and you should be treated as such.. YOu can't demand people to respect you, it is something that should be earned. And you earn respect by being a good person, doing the right thing and by knowing your worth.. You should always know your worth!
Times ahead of your are gonna be lonely and tough so please find comfort knowing that you did not cause the break up of your marriage and that you took every chance to make it work, But some things are just not meant to be... Good luck!
PS - I am in California too, Are you in So. Cal?
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niceguy
newbie
Reged: 12/29/06
Posts: 48
Loc: California
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Curiosity-thank you so much for your words of reality. You have expressed exactly how I feel. I have made a turning point in my life (and feelings about the situation with my wife) and feel a true peace of mind and liberation. I know I have more tough times ahead but I also know I can handle them with dignity, pride and hope.
I currently live in So.Cal. (Canyon Lake-near Temecula) however I have rented an apartment in Santa Cruz which I move into on 3/15. I start my new job (nice promotion within my same company who is located In Santa Cruz) and have been welcomed back with a very enthusiastic "hero's welcome as I got my start with the company at our Santa Cruz HQ.
We are going to a mediator to write up our divorce agreement tommorrow and I am truly excited to get this process moving forward.
I would love to talk with you live as you clearly are on the same page as I am. My number is (951)445-2621 if you are interested in talking. This number will be live until I move on 3/15. Note: I will be back home in So. Cal this evening (in meetings all day and on a plane this afternoon)
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Devastated and desperate. The prime example of "Nice guys finish last"
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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I would immediately remove your number from this post, and send it in a private message.
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curiousity
recently joined
Reged: 02/14/07
Posts: 2
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I agree with Rebecca - remove your number from the site, if you can. See? There goes your trusting nature again.
As for me, I will be happy to talk to you in this forum but I won't be able to have private conversations with you. I am a married woman, and a happily married one at that. As innocent as our conversations might be, I don't ever want to give my husband any reason to doubt me. And yes, I would absolutely tell him, if I ever did something like that.
With that said, the reason why I asked where you are in CA is because I have been listening to this one radio program in the afternoons (I think 3-7 on weekdays?) and I think you might benefit from it. You might know what i am talking about. It's the Tom Leykis Show on 97.1 FM. Tom Leykis is a sad, obnoxious, bitter, condescending, selfish, cocky hateful, disrespectful human being. Just really the bottom of the barrel kind of person. He has made a living bashing women and bragging about what a jerk he is to women. It is VERY man oriented show that is sometimes degrading to women but there are some really fundamentally true things in his program. I would suggest you tune in and listen to him for a week or so.
As nice a person as you come across, I suspect you might initially want to vomit when you hear some of the things he has to say. They are SO out there that people's first reaction is to get angry, but hold tight, he actually starts making sense.. I can't believe I am actually suggesting that any sane person tune in to Tom Leykis but who knows, you might be able to see beyond his annoying antics and actually hear the information that might be relevant to your sitation.
Congrats on moving forward with your life. Let us know how things go with the mediator tomorrow! Where does this leave your boys? Are you planning to take them with you or will they stay with their mother?
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niceguy
newbie
Reged: 12/29/06
Posts: 48
Loc: California
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Hello all,
Sorry for the lack of knowledge on forum protocall. How do I remove my number?
Curiosity- I apologize if I made you feel awkward. I definitely meant nothing other than a big thank you for your hitting the nail on the re: my situation. By no means would I ever want to put anyone in an uncomfortable situation.
I thank you all for your help and guidance as today we filed for divorce with a very reaosnalbe out of court settlement and I(and I beleive my wife) feel very liberated and relieved that we have done the inevitable in a very positive and amicable way. I t really feels like a win-win although I realize I feel and know I was wronged. I'm OK with this and am moving forward with my life with a very positive outlook.
Thank you all again.
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Devastated and desperate. The prime example of "Nice guys finish last"
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WhoDaresW1ns
recently joined
Reged: 03/04/07
Posts: 19
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"Nice guys finish last" I read your post and I am having a hard time understanding where you finished last. Think about it.
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