kate613
newbie
Reged: 02/01/07
Posts: 35
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it seems like no one realizes how hard it is to be the gf, bf or setpmom, stepdad when your partner is going through a custody battle. I try to talk to people around me but their opinion is if you are stressed by it leave the relationship. thats not what i want, i just need ways to cope with the stress better. thats why i came on here but barely anyone responds to my situation. im 25 yrs old, ive been with my bf for almost 3 yrs been living together for 2 1/2. he has his 2 girls every weekend fri-sun and now is fighting for full custody because of issues with the mother and her sex offender bf. i get so stressed out from because they are always fighting and i want what is best for the kids, i want them to be safe and happy. i also work full time and im in college full time so it is a lot to handle . i can't vent to my bf because he is trying to get everything ready for the custody hearing and dealing with his ex wife, so he has enough stress. i look for advice but it seems no one has any. my bf goes to fathers rights meetings, i wish they had meetings for people like me.
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ihavehope
journeyman
Reged: 01/31/06
Posts: 62
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You should try finding a step parent support group. It is hard at best blending a family under the best of circumstances. Maybe find a friend or relative that can be your safe haven to "vent" Often, the "just leave" is the pat answer for anything these days and I know how frustrating that remark can make you! Hang in there and find a local support group or friend/family member!!
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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RUN, FORREST RUN!!!
If you think things are bad now with you having stress, just stick around. It will get SO much worse.
Once you marry this guy, the ex is going to make both your life's miserable. Then, if you have a child, look out!!!
I know you most likely love this guy but take the advise of most of the people on this board, RUN!!!
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jsp
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/30/05
Posts: 4197
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LOL, Buckeye... that's why we plan never to tell husband's ex we have a child (if we are fortunate enough to have one)... but, that is easy when there are no visits and if there were visits, grandparents are down the road.
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momx3
old hand
Reged: 04/19/06
Posts: 1036
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kate, people are telling you to leave for a reason. If you have this headache now, what will it be later? I've BTDT and I wish I had taken other's advice about leaving...they weren't being rude or ignoring me or not taking into consideration that I loved him; they knew of which they spoke. There was only one way to end it, to leave it. Once you're married to it, you can still leave it, sure, but it's a lot harder then.
I love my DH with all my heart. I really do. But if I had really listened and reallly had a taste of how it would be later, I would have seriously reconsidered.
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I'm not bossy...I just have better ideas!
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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[quote]LOL, Buckeye... that's why we plan never to tell husband's ex we have a child (if we are fortunate enough to have one)... but, that is easy when there are no visits and if there were visits, grandparents are down the road. [/quote]
Sorry, JSP, responding to both you and Buckeye because you both hit home on both your comments :)
What you said about the ex, and wait til you have your own child couldn't be more TRUE!!!
My stbx's ex was really just fine, until we got married. She ramped it up a bit after that... and then after our daughter came home from the hospital, all bets were OFF!!! She made it her JOB to make sure she caused conflict. It wasn't enough for her to be a presence in our life the 4 days a week she already was.. she made she "needed" him virtually all 7 days a week. Demands for this, demands for that, on and on and on.
But I had to laugh at your plan not to tell your husband's ex if you had a child.
Funny story and just sooo indicative of how IN our lives she was. When I got pregnant, his ex was ALSO pregnant, much further along (she was due September, I was due the end of the following March).
Now, there aren't a whole lot of OB practices around. Like most things, they're like little conglomerates. So, I went to my insurance company's website, looked up names.. and of course, they all belonged to one of two OB practices, so I picked a name I liked that belonged to the hospital nearest and that was that.
2nd visit, after they do all the initial bloodwork and such.. STBX is like "hmmm... I think this is the same OB that my daughter was born out of, I wonder if ex is going here". Thought not a lot of it, small world. OK... at the visit, we're informed I'm a cystic fibrosis carrier and my stbx needed genetics testing.
NOW, his last name and my last name were different. Our pregnancy, while planned, happened a teensy bit sooner than we had thought (it took him 3 years to conceive his 1st daughter, her fertility tests were normal so he assumed he had "slow swimmers"), took us 2 months and not even "trying" per se.
Anyway, so he gets the test.. and I call them repeatedly. TELL THEM.. his ex is also a patient here we believe.. HER last name is the same as HIS last name. HIS results should go with THIS last name.
Long story short... 4 months later when he DOES tell her? Her reply "oh yeah, I already knew that, they gave me the results of your cystic fibrosis testing... Glad you're not a carrier and congratulations".
She'd known the whole time.... sighhhhhhhhhhhh.......and it kinda made it worse that my pregnancy was high-risk the whole time since I bled, in some capacity or another, from a week after the pregnancy was confirmed on. Which was why we DIDN'T tell anyone.. since we kinda assumed, given the bleeding, that I'd eventually miscarry. (never did, but she was born 11 weeks premature because of it).
Anyway, sorry so long... my funny story for the night...
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Moi
old hand
Reged: 05/28/05
Posts: 784
Loc: DFW, TX
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Kate,
Well I for one did not answer you post below for a very simple reason... it was too difficult to read. It was one long run on paragraph. You need to break it up!
And I almost skipped over this one because the first letter in you sentances is not in caps. I don''t care about proper grammar or spelling. But if the post is physically difficult to read, I don't. I still haven't read the one below. And I NEVER read all caps posts.
But in reference to what you posted here... I was the wife through the custody battle... it was stressful. But if at any point I had felt that I couldn't go to my DH with that stress, I probably would have left him. That is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
If you plan to be togethr till "death do you part"; your going to have a LOT of stressful situations. And only the couples that help one another through those times make it.
If you feel you can't go to him then my guess is you either:
1. have a pretty selfish boyfriend
2. or you have a very unhealthy marytr view of your role in your relationship.
Go to counsoler. They cannot only help you with the stress but they can also help uou to figure out your relationship problems. And believe me... you have them whether you see it or not.
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Every storm cloud has a silver lining. Will you capitalize on it or b*tch about the storm?
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Tweeby
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/04
Posts: 7100
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I hate ot say this but your really not considered in the equation. You are a GF and many will assume that your not really commited to the relationship.
My husband went through a horrible custody case. It was difficult for everyone. My husband asked me before it started what I personally thought. We KNEW it was going to be stressfull.
You and your BF need to talk about what is happening and how he feels. You are the support role for him. Now men and women handle things differently, one way is not better than another just different. Men seem to mention and talk about the facts and the as much about the emotions. Women seem to talk more about the emotional aspect.
Friends and family really do not understand what it is like to go through a custody battle unless they have personally been through it. I noticed my frienda and family would listen for a little bit but they wanted to talk about other things. When your in a custody case it is difficult to think of other things because it seems as if the case consumes your whole life.
I found a lot of friends here on boards like these. They have BTDT and were able to help me along. Plus there was always someone who was willing to listen to similar things over and over again. A lot of the advice seemed a little harsh but after I thought about what was posted it did hit home.
If you want advice and help here, you need to make your posts easy to read. Breaking of paragraphs is a good idea and somewhat of puncatuation is needed. All caps is an indication of yelling and very hard to read. You CAN all caps a word to stress it meaning.
The easier the post is to read the more people will be willing to read it.
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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"thats not what i want, i just need ways to cope with the stress better."
You sound like you have your plate full with other things, on top of the bf's custody fight. Working full time and going to school full time in addition to the court drama, well.... I can see why you'd need a stress reliever. And don't say you're handling work and school ok -- you may be, but it is STILL going to add to your stress level. You have a boss wanting good performance, professors requiring good performance, and a family life that you want to give your "A" game too. It all adds up.
So what do you do now for stress relief? Do you do anything just for You? If not, pick something you like and start doing it. That sounds simple because it is - carve out whatever time you need to take and make yourself priority during that time.
I understand the position you're in. You love the man you're with, you want him to be happy, and you don't want to add to his stress level by asking him to meet your needs on top of everything else. BTDT. You'd also like to help him get thru this custody fight unscathed, you get scared when he and his X fight, and you're frustrated because, although you're kind of a part of the fight, you're not really. Its like walking a tightrope, and it really sucks some times.
The thing is, like someone else has mentioned, if you want to keep this relationship you need to learn how to disengage. The stress will only affect YOUR life as much as you Allow It To. Make a list of all the things in your life that are not affected by his custody fight, and when the stress starts hitting you, turn your attn to those things. If you can focus on what you do have control over you'll be better off.
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jsp
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/30/05
Posts: 4197
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The likelyhood of us seeing my husbands kids in the next few years is so slim we can get away with it. But, our situation is very different given mom just pulled contact and visitation for no reason (couldn't even tell the judge a good reason) and after a long fight we decided the child was old enough to know what he was missing (the youngest of the three/one under 18) and hopefully he knew we wanted him. Mom would always make him go home early, which is why we didn't push visits toward the end of the visits as it cost a fortune.
And, we're trying to adopt, so hiding a child is much easier than being pregnant. The only catch to hiding a child (only for a year and a half at this point) is we are trying to adopt through a facilitator near my husband's ex and use the same attorney as we trust her and she's friends with the facilitator. My MIL lives in the area so that was part of the decision so we'd have a free place to stay to pick up the baby. But, we don't want husband's ex to know we are doing ok financially and can afford this comfortable (day care is a slight stretch or me not working) as she'd come after us. Our only saving grace with that is the fact she will not want visits or contact and last time it cost her more than she gained in the end, especially when child turns 18 a year from this September. At this point we have no communication so there would be no need to share anything, including a child.
But, to the original poster = got a good man - keep him and learn to adjust. Most people's families are not fully supportive (my mom did slightly warm up after liking the youngest child and did come to court once - cross country) but she/friends and co-workers don't want to hear about it or have any useful advice. That's why these boards are helpful - if anything I started reading them to figure out the worst case situations just to get warning of what is to come.
I'd never trade my life or my wonderful husband even with the drama. I can't blame him for having a difficult ex and the bonus is I know he is a wonderful father and I have no worries if we adopt and something happened to me. He might not do it my way, but that's ok and the child would be well loved and well cared for.
Hang in there. I've been dealing with this for 7 years - and there is a light at the end - for us the youngest turns 18 in 1 1/2 years!!! It seemed like it would never end early on, but it will, just like everything does in time.
Focus on your kids and your education. Those are the things that will provide you with a good life and help your boyfriend find balance in knowing when to fight and when to settle/move on and even if you don't agree with his decisions, respect them and support him as ultimately it is his choice and his child.
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