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dmc
journeyman


Reged: 01/23/07
Posts: 60
when is it over????
      #198416 - 02/12/07 10:23 AM

Help!!!!
I have tried to work it out...Two years of counseling...my husband continues to get psychiatric help and indiviudual counseling but....
I am exhausted..I have taken all the advice from here, my friends, my family and I feel like I am going in circles
My heart tells me to move on I want my independence. I want a divorce.. I have been mentally abused for 15 years. I thought he could change through his counseling...I just cant hang on any more. He is who he is!!!! I know you need to forgive the past and move on..but I cant!!! He makes me feel guilty for EVERYTHING!!! I am so beat down. Am I really a bad person for wanting a divorce? I do feel I have tried. I do not LOVE him.. I can NEVER be the wife he wants.
He wants a wife who gives him sex every day, goes swinging with him I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SWINGING.. I feel it is disrespectful!!! sorry. He is deaming and controlling. The thought of ever being intimate with him again gives me a pit.
So when do i know its over!!! How long do you try. He does not want a divorce and all he says is "YOU took the vows Till death do us part... you can NEVER divorce me"

EEERRRRR
Help!!!!


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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2028
Loc: MO Ozarks
Re: when is it over???? [Re: dmc]
      #198419 - 02/12/07 10:33 AM

Given what you've written I'd say it's been over for quite some time.

As for vows, I believe there are two ways to relieve yourself of them. You may, of course, break them and that becomes a matter of conscience. Or, you may be released from them by the actions and activities of the person you shared them with. It sounds to me as if you fit into the latter category.

You've tried and seem to have left no stone unturned to try to save the marriage without compromnising your values. Therefore you should be able to forever after look back and honestly say, "No regrets!" about removing yourself from an abusive situation.


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dmc
journeyman


Reged: 01/23/07
Posts: 60
Re: when is it over???? [Re: Curmudgeon]
      #198425 - 02/12/07 11:16 AM

Curmudgeon...THANK YOU!!!
YOur the first peron who as ever said that to me!!!
I appreciate it.
DMC


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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
Re: when is it over???? [Re: dmc]
      #198495 - 02/12/07 03:08 PM

Hmmmm... I'd say, "Oh, yes, I CAN divorce you.. here are your papers." You don't need his permission to get divorced. Just file it. He may drag it out, but I promise one day you CAN be divorced.

Good luck... just stand up for yourself and go for it.

--------------------
Lisa

Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.


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shohn
member
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Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
Re: when is it over???? [Re: rocketgirl]
      #203421 - 02/24/07 01:15 AM

You mentioned that he makes you feel guilty for everything.. what would be his side to the story?

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dmc
journeyman


Reged: 01/23/07
Posts: 60
Re: when is it over???? [Re: shohn]
      #204101 - 02/26/07 11:58 AM

shohn of course there are three sides to every story.
But if you have read the emails that he sent me that I posted in other areas you will see all he does is apologize for all he has done to me. He knows that he has emotional abused me and controlled me for 20 years. He is getting help.He doesnt understand why I cant wait while he is still getting help. He makes me feel guilty by telling me I am ruining our family. He will say I am killing HIM.
For 20 years it has always been about about HIM
I have been an enabler and allowed this but...I am EXHAUSTED
I have to take charge of my life and I dont see how waiting for him to get help and change will help me. I have waited for two years now and Yes I do see some change but I dont have feelings for him. I cant get past the anger and saddness I have for him. I am tired of him making me feel guilty that dinner is not on the table at 430 when I come home from working at 4. I feel guilty about breaking up the family..but i am sad all the time..I dont have the energy to be happy. Shouldnt my son see me happy? Shouldnt I have the energy to give to my son???
How long do I stay..Hell I lived 20 years like this whats another 5 till my son is in college? Is that the right thing to do to wait till my son is in college????


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sdefrain
newbie


Reged: 10/04/06
Posts: 27
Re: when is it over???? [Re: dmc]
      #204102 - 02/26/07 12:05 PM

I am wondering the same thing. Although abuse is not in my situation. I feel once your exhausted you are exhausted and that's the end of it. Like one of my friends said "you'll just know when you have had enough." You definitely should be happy for your son. I am very unhappy right now and have a hard time being happy for kids as well. I am falling into a depression at times. I hate the way I am right now and it sounds like you feel the same way. You need to do what is best for you. I think sometimes men just need hit on the head sort to speak. Don't get me wrong I think some women need it to. I wasn't trying to bash the men. Sorry.

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dmc
journeyman


Reged: 01/23/07
Posts: 60
Re: when is it over???? [Re: sdefrain]
      #204119 - 02/26/07 12:45 PM

so many people say its never greener on the other side but I feel can it be any worse.. Yes I feel my husband is trying to change but Truthfully he will never totally change and I dont have feelings for him as a husband.. Is it fear to him that I cant be the wife he wants, we live in seperate bedrooms
How great is that for our son to see?
I guess I just question myself alot. I was brought up in a catholic household and I am still a practicing catholic so divorce is a tough decision but I need happiness I need to see the light I need the energy from moving on to get me through life
SDEFRAIN....thanks for your response


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sdefrain
newbie


Reged: 10/04/06
Posts: 27
Re: when is it over???? [Re: dmc]
      #204122 - 02/26/07 12:56 PM

I was brought up Catholic too. That's why this is so hard for me as well. I still practice the Catholic religion as well. I am scared to think that my husband might not be with me anymore. But I have to look out for my well being and my kids not just our marriage. Like Father Tom said - I will know when the right time is and he will support me no matter what my decision is. There are many Catholics out there that have gotten a divorce. He doesn't practice the religion that I do but I even tried to get him to go to a couples prayer session. That didn't work either. He refused to ever go.

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dmc
journeyman


Reged: 01/23/07
Posts: 60
Re: when is it over???? [Re: sdefrain]
      #204134 - 02/26/07 01:15 PM

sdefrain...who's decison is it for you to get divorced???
I am the one who decided and he cant accept it. I just beleive it is a control issue and financial. I make much more money then he does. For years my husband told me he felt like he married his sister..he would tell me that I didnt feel like a wife to him. I never had the affection he wanted...DING DING DING...maybe I was always scared of him

SDEFRAIN....are you still livng with your husband have you started the divorce process yet.

We are living in seperate bedrooms thats it
Everytime I bring up divorce he freaks out.
although at times he said he is willling to go to mediation
Does mediation work???
How much does it cost???


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