kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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I have been reading everyone's stories for a little over a month now and trying to help with advice for the past week, and I don't get it!! It's the same story, you love someone with your whole heart and soul and they turn out to be your worse enemy. They hurt you more than anyone would or could. I go to a support group and I talk to co-workers that have been divorce and it's the same. The other spouse leaves for another woman/man. What happened to the vows, to "till death do us part"? It doesn't matter if you have been married for 2 years or 50. I love my husband with my whole heart and soul and he left for someone else. I don't know that he could be lucky enough to get the love I gave him. And now, like everyone else, I don't know him. How is it the guy I spent the last 14 years with, the one I wanted to grow old with and dream with is now someone else? I don't get it. In November he was in love with me by January he became a different person. I don't understand how this happens so often. And I don't understand why it happens so often.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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Ryan
journeyman
Reged: 07/11/05
Posts: 85
Loc: Kansas
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I became that person that my wife didn't know. And when we got engaged she became that person I didn't know. One thing I try to keep in mind and I always wonder this, but why don't people just care about the things that are truly important. Like, holding hands while walking through the store, a big hug when you get home (the kind that make it seem like you've been gone for a year but only 8 hours). Why do people get so mad over trash not getting taken out or dishes not done or the house is a mess, etc. When I first got with my wife for 6 months we were extremely happy and affectionate and nothing could separate us. Then when I put the ring on her finger to be engaged she started griping about all the things she didn't like about me when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It is hard to understand how somebody can love you one day and the next they don't. When we were dating we would make love (whatever you want to call it) all the time. When we got married we were both 21, we had sex like 3 times a month if that. What happened? I don't know. I need help in not living in the past and reliving all my regrets and letting them torment me.
Anyways, I know how you feel about this, right now, I sometimes feel that I don't even know her anymore. That she has forgotten who I am and what good times we did have along with the bad.
Ryan
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Life's too short to be pissed off all the time.
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overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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No. You're wrong. YOU DO get it. They love you and leave you. I dunno. My heart is now saved for my dog and my bank account and my stockbroker if he gives me good tips.
Groucho Marx said that "Alimony was like feeding hay to a dead horse." Well then let's just say I have a very LARGE BARN and sent the soon to be ex a pitchfork with that saying inscribed on it for his birthday. Smile.
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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You are right Ryan, we forget about the little things that are important. I fight daily to not relive the past. I have to use all of my energy to push it from my mind. I too was put on anti-depressants, it's suppose to help with the compulsive thinking and it does to a degree. I just find it sad that people move on so easily and forget the person that they once loved enough to marry them. But, all that is left now is to move forward and rebuilt.
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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Ryan
journeyman
Reged: 07/11/05
Posts: 85
Loc: Kansas
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My wife always seems that she has already forgotten about us. But then she tells me how she is miserable everyday because she thinks about it. Just today I talked to her and I reminded her that she told me that she is miserable. I told her that it is a problem for both of us. She asked me why and I told her, "it's my problem because I could have done more to stop this, and it's your problem because you don't have to go through it right now." I have told her that she has a choice whether or not to divorce me, she doesn't HAVE to divorce me. She got pissed at me when I told her that pretty much everything in life is your own choice. Some things happen that aren't by choice but 95% of what happens in your own life is your own choice, and she got pissed at me. She doesn't like to take responsibility for anything. If I don't get the almighty reprieve from the governor, I don't know how long it will take for me to move on. I work in a prison, it may be minimum security but we have everybody from murderers and rapists to child molesters, drug dealers, and men who didn't pay child support. And I am not suprised by any story or thought these guys tell me, but I am dumbfounded and perplexed at how somebody could want to actually go through a divorce instead of working their ass off to make it work.
A guy I work with quoted me a line from a movie and it fit for me but apparently not my wife. He said, "when two people love each other, and it just doesn't seem to click, when is enough enough?" I paused for a second, and he said "never". And it's true, if you truly love someone and they love you then there should never be a time when either person should give up on love.
I know I know I'm rambling. Just some things to think about.
Ryan
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Life's too short to be pissed off all the time.
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Lyn
journeyman
Reged: 06/04/05
Posts: 95
Loc: NJ
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Kim - The hows and whys probably could be debated til the cows come home without finding any absolute answers. Suspect that's one of the reasons that closure is so difficult after a divorce, especially when the decision to divorce is unilateral. Perhaps it's just a sign of the times; altho there are some good and valid reasons for
exiting a marriage which make the eased laws a blessing, I do find it sad that it's almost less complicated to divorce than it is to marry! In a perfect world, since it takes 2 people to say 'I do', it would be great if it took 2, not 1 to say 'I don't want to anymore'. You can't account for another person's perspective, but I did (and still hope) that a basic tenet of marriage is that one if off the open market and not looking for the next option! Someone on the old Recovery Board, quite a while ago, coined the thought that her X's brain had been sucked out by aliens...sometiimnes that seems as good an explanation as any!
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Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
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It really sucks doesn't it? The only thing to "get" though is that s h i t happens... to everyone. Marriage has now become disposable with almost every other aspect of our society. All you can do is accept reality and pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from your experience and move on. This is the honest-to-God truth, it's HIS loss... pity him, for he will likely never find true happiness. You know, the kind of happiness that comes from serving others and keeping your commitments. Don't let this kill your spirit and you'll be just fine.
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"You never really know a person until you divorce them."
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tiredofit
recently joined
Reged: 07/11/05
Posts: 11
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I agree, marraige has become completely disposable and and it makes me sick! I am the kind of person that takes my vows very seriously, never believed in divorce. My parents have been married for over 40 years, I just grew up believing that your spouse never left you and that marriage was forever. That was just the way it was for me.
My husband isn't leaving over another woman, he just says he "isn't happy with me" and that he can't stand being around me. Just last week he was professing love! We argue and then he wants a divorce. To him, there is no such thing as talking things out and communication. When things get hard, he is out. His dad was married 4 times - that should have tipped me off!
I am truly sorry for everything everyone here is going through. I swear this is Hell on Earth.
Lizzy
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Zeek
recently joined
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 21
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Again, as I posted a few days ago, anyone that wants to save their marriage because they see some hope still in doing that, is welcome to an emailed e-book of Stop Your Divorce. I have nothing to do will the company but I know this book saved my marriage (or at least has given it a second chance--the jury will be out until time passes considerably). That second chance is sometimes all a marriage needs.
I, too, am from the "till death do us part" generation. Sometimes I want to transport myself to the 40s or 50s, where values were more than just a word. People now get married with divorce in the back of their minds. How sad is that? And these f-ing hollywood romances, which come and go like the wind, certainly do not help our society. How the hell can we look up to these people? They're mostly spoiled rich brats!
I feel for you Ryan & Kav. If you realize the little things are what you have to pay attention to, you're ahaed of the game. Maybe with a second chance, you'll get to use them--if not, then the next person who comes along will appreciate your efforts. Let me know if you want an email of that book--I'll just need your email to send it to you. Good luck.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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My stbx and I were married for 30 years and dated a few before marriage. he left, OW involved. We had our ups and downs over the years, nothing real major untilthe last year or so. his alcohol use became alcohol abuse, and he got into internet porn . He was really rotten to me during the last year or so... a real jerk for a couple weeks, then nice again. I now think he was trying to get me mad enough to leave him. He would threaten divorce over minor stuff. I.E.. he had this habit of hanging his coat on the back of dining table chair. Well it grew to a couple of coats and jackets, so heavy it was pulling the chair back away from the seat. When I mentioned that I wishesd he stop that and why, and reminded him there was a coat rack just a few feet away, he got mad, yelling, stomping aroud.. After a few minutes of this he shouted that he wanted a divorce and went out for a night of drinking. Next day acting life nothing happened.
Marriage for many today is indeed disposable. I was an emotional mess 3 years ago when stbx, the love of my life, left. I prayed he would return, prayed for our marriage to be saved. His actions since (and even during our marriage those last few years) and a long time to reflect on the past, and just enjoying the new postives of my life as a solo, have made me realize I would never go back to what it was, or who he has become. As Garth Brooks sings... SOme of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
You are right, it is hell on earth. But sometimes the fear of the unknown becomes better than the fear of continueing as we are. You deserve more out of life than his constant game of love you , hate you. Sounds like a control freak to me. And honey, once he has physically abused the first time, he crossed a line, and may well do so again, and again, each time getting more abusive.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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