Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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Personally, it’s hard for me to understand why someone would leave a marriage when there is no fight.
When you imagine yourself living alone in an apartment, having dinner alone etc., how do you feel?
What happened with the person you fell in love with? Does she have low self-esteem and that makes her unattractive? Are you still capable to have fun together? Is it possible that you’re having some kind of personal crises and transferring your feelings to her? Just asking…
I would investigate more my own feeling before making any decisions.
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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If there is something killing you in this marriage, you somehow failed to articulate it. Drifting apart is something that happens very easily and very often, once there are children. What you are living through is in no way unique to you and your wife. Many have been there and many managed to get through this.
I am sorry you feel you cannot talk , but you will HAVE TO talk and you will have to say more than just 'BYE, cause I am so unhappy'. You will have to be courageous and you will have to make an effort. You cannot just walk away and be all sulky about not being understood. You miss intimacy? But how can you ever get there, if you are afraid to communicate?
Personally I find it incomprehensible - unless you suffer from severe depression - that you should find it so impossible to get some kind of happiness out of having kids and a family.
'K i l l i n g yourself'....'o n l y for the kids'.
To me this sounds like severe depression.
Just like you cannot have intimacy without communication, you cannot find happiness without the right attitude, without being able to appreciate. You seem to be thinking yourself into depression. And I guess this is because you are the passive type. You seem to feel helpless and mute. But this is an illusion. You are not helpless and the only option to improve your life is not to run away and hide. There are a million things you can do.
But they all start with....'we need to talk...'
I grant you that right now might not be the best moment. But right now is not the best moment for ANYTHING...apart from welcoming the new baby into your family....and maybe getting some counseling for yourself.
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FBR
recently joined
Reged: 01/21/07
Posts: 8
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Well..fast forward a few weeks. I decided to keep quiet and work on my own issues when really the final family straw struck. My father in law decided to call and cause a confrontation about our business. The conversation was not good, and it really caused me to snap mentally. The next day my wife was probing and questioning and I told her I was not happy with the marriage. This was not my intent before the baby is born in about 6 weeks, but I couldn't stay silent any longer. It was difficult and I wish I could have stayed silent but that was no longer possible.
I answered all of my wife's questions truthfully and openly....some she appreciated some she did not. One of the biggest issues is the giant circle of information that gets shared with her mom...then dad...then to nosy competitive brother. Could I open up and tell her things without her running off to her mom and dad?
Simply...NO...she can't. She does not understand the stress this puts on our marriage.
She asked if we could go to counseling, which I agreed to immediately and that week we went. I think it was a positive.
My wife of course asked if there was someone else....no there is not. I told her that maybe it would be easier if there was? That way she could blame someone.
I told her about a long term friend that I have. It's tough because, she is a female, and has been a very good customer over the years. There is absolutely zero sexual stuff, but I am sure the mere fact she is a female and we are friends causes questions.
I was gone for 3 days supporting our business and while I was gone, my wife convinced herself that this woman was a girlfriend...going through my e-mail (we do not e-mail) going through phone records...business records...etc.
The simple fact is this person is a customer, so her personal information is in our files...open, full access files. I never cared, because she is not a "girlfriend" or mistress....etc.
During the weekend, she is upset, does not call to ask me anything...and brings her family into the mess.
I get home from a very long weekend, all the while making sure I keep contact with her...etc. I come home to a spotless house...which is very unusual, but inviting.
Where are the kids?
Father in law has them....great.
We sit down and she begins to ask questions. This was the easy part...cause there is nothing to hide at this point and the truth is simple...questions like..."do you kiss her"..HELL NO..does she travel with you...again...NO.
I can see her point, and I was not angry, not challenged at all....simply because there is nothing to this...at all. I suggested that she call her or meet with her...whatever.
Forward to the next day...
I go up to help my inlaws clear the 2 feet of snow. I guess this is a bad idea. Her father uses this opportunity to thouroughly destroy any an all relations I have had with their family. I sat and listened...I took the frustrations of him seeing his daughter hurting. I was threatened, belittled, my family was belittled...yeah...he was in normal form.
The ironic part is that this is coming from a man who treats his wife like a servant, was never around for his kids...and who has personally had an affair...
Honestly, I figured I had it coming, so I waited for his tirade to end...answered his questions...truthfully...and of course nothing matters.
*************************
My wife calls....She decided to go meet my friend. I told her where she worked...etc...cause I really don't care.
She stops in and just starts talking to her. I give her credit for the initiative and gumption to do that.
The conversation lasted 1.5 hours, and it answered all of her questions. She called to tell me she DID NOT feel threatened, and that everything I disclosed was supported. Keep in mind, I have not spoken to this friend in over 2 weeks...she had no idea my wife was coming in, and that is really the best part. SHe told my wife that I never complained about her..(true), always praised my family and life (true) and that most of our conversations were about her man troubles or car troubles (true, and very true)...simple as that....nothing more. My wife was relieved.
Any way....WE, my wife and I have talked a bunch...more in the last two weeks than in the last 6 months...about things that matter. It is no easy thing....and my relationship with her family is GONE...
I don't think she fully understands how this affects things, but it is really not good...
We have been better. I am a very private and reserved person, so the fact that my inlaws know about all of these issues is really bothersome and there are now bridges that are irretrievably burnt and lost.
The timing was not right....but I couldn't help it in this case.
Things are actually a bit better...but we are now where near out of the woods.
I guess we will see what happens.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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I think that as long as you and your wife can keep the line of communication open, you will be fine. Maybe the two of you need to go away for a weekend honeymoon type thing and reconnect.
As for her family, that is less likely to be fixed. Your wife needs to learn not to tell them everything and they need to learn to stay out of things and let the two of you try to work them out.
Everyone needs to realize that once words are spoken, they can't be taken back.
Good luck and keep us posted.
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