Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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My logic would seem to think if the BF is an active participant in the D's life then he wouldn't even have to think about it.. he would automatically have said "Yes". KWIM?
---> When the ex and I switched custody...it was NOT done lightly or without due consideration (thinking about it) because it's NOT about what WE want, it's what's best for the kids and changing custody is NOT always "best".
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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dawnnaw2004
recently joined
Reged: 02/17/07
Posts: 8
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I have to say, the original post to this stream did seem a bit strange. Then it got even more strange as the dialog has gone on.
First, let me say you sound like a concerned mother that really needs help. Not just about your legal rights whether you have custody or not, but also with your mental health. I think you and daughter would both benefit by seeing a couselor or maybe a psychologist. Just from the outside looking in, and of course soley based on the posts here, I feel you really need learn how to seperate your divorce related animosities from your concern for your daughter.
Second, being a strict parent, which it sounds like you were trying to say is not against the law and really isn't harmful to the child in the eyes of the law. For every parent out there that feels their ex is too strict there is another one who feels their ex is too lenient. (I think that is how it is spelled.) Me? I think my ex is too lax with our children but just because he is trying to be their best friend rather than their father I am not going to contemplate taking the visitations from my children. That is one thing you have to keep in mind. These are not your ex's visitations. They are your daughter's. For you to act like this is something you "allow" your ex to do is extremely selfish.
Third, about your fiance. Experts say you should wait atleast three years before you remarry. That is not to say that life doesn't happen and things are guarenteed to be disasterous if you don't adhere to this. But, after reading the posts, I get the feeling that you really aren't sure about moving forward in this direction at this particular time. I think professionals came up with the time of three years to allow parents to come to terms with their divorces emotionally and they are not still stuck in the emotional chaos that comes naturally with divorce. People make rash dicisions and spanteous errors of judgement when they are still recovering from divorce. It sounds to me like you are in a very confusing state of flux at the moment and I honestly believe you and your whole family would benefit from you just taking the time to let things calm down for awhile.
Fourth, about your daughter being confused about having two dads. I have a step daughter and I have four children I have given birth to from my previous marriage. Believe me, in today's day and age it is a norm for children of all ages to have step parents. There are plenty of people for them to talk to even in their own age ranges. And I have to tell you, it really sounds like you want to control the relationships between your daughter, her father, and your fiance. You can not do that. The only thing you can do is sit back, observe, and be there when she needs someone to talk to. These are her relationships, not yours. The only thing that will really confuse her is if she isn't allowed to develop her own feelings in her relationships in stead of adopting your feelings as her own.
Fifth, Dad has a right to say she can't hang out with her friends. He only gets a limited amount of time with his daughter. If he insists on spending it with her it will not hurt your daughter. In fact, it will have the complete opposite. She may resent it once in a while now, but when she grows up and knows that her father loves her because of the time he insisted they spend together, she will greatly appreciate it.
I am not a professional by any means regarding the things I have discussed, but I am speaking from experience with a total of five children. Please, get post-divrce counseling, encourage your daughter to talk to a couselor as well, but most importantly don't make any rash dicisions that will only make you more miserable in the future.
I really hope I didn't offend you. I think you have gotten enough offensive dialog already. I hope you take what some of us say and really think about the decisions you are making in your life. Being confused about what you think is right at this time is normal. Tossing around ideas is normal too. And I have to say maybe your ex said he would think about taking custody because he wanted to give you time to make sure it was what you really wanted.
As to the last comment by MominNY, no matter what, child support should never be an issue when diciding what is right for the child. It is something to be prepared for but it should not be used as the basis of making a dicision like this regarding your child's best interest.
Thanks for listening,
Dawnna
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Just a personal suggestion... until you have your issues with your ex, custody, visitation and how you all work together, I wouldn't even contemplate marrying someone else.
Just for you, from a woman's standpoint, it's not an emotionally healthy thing for you to do, particularly when you have a lot of unfinished business in your previous relationship.
I married a man almost 3 years after his divorce, and he had a child. One would have thought after that amount of time, they'd have some semblance of closure, but they did not.. Or he did not... Or maybe she did not either. Who knows.
Anyway, what started out as an idyllic relationship (and was quite a bit longer than yours sounds like it is here), went to [censored] pretty darn quick when all the baggage started arriving on the metaphorical carousel of life. Now we have a 1 year old ourselves and are now divorcing.
Take some time, slow down.... if the guy loves you and wants to be with you, he'll understand and wait until you're in a better place.
As for "x"ing your ex out of the picture. You're not THAT far out of your divorce and being newly separated myself, I can relate to having that feeling, and have to remind myself that regardless of whatever my stbx did to me, as a wife, or even to his daughter, as a father, in making the choices that he did... that she's still got his dna, he does love her... he's just incapable of being a mature, responsible partner in a relationship. However, he is a caring father (do I agree with all his philosophies or parenting traits? NO, but then he doesn't agree with 100% of mine either).
Now, if he ever puts her in position to hurt her emotionally or physically, I'll be all over that like white on rice... but until then, he is her family, as much as I am, and whatever my issues are with him as a man, I have to separate them from my feelings as a woman.
Okay... thanks to all here that beat that into MY head... and typing it here was as much a message to you as it was a reminder to myself :)
PS: I strongly recommend counseling as well. I am in the process of locating one for myself for my situation and dealing with my resentments towards my stbx so they don't affect our daughter going forward. Divorces can be hard on self-esteem.. Sounds like your self-esteem tank might be a little low.. god knows I can relate to that! Counseling might help you see things more clearly going forward.
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