Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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Ryan, I am so sorry. If she made the step of filing the divorce papers, she’s probably not coming back.
You are right, her motives to continue in this relationship should be other than satisfying the relatives’ opinions. I think a couple is supposed to be a unit of trust and intimacy that does not include parents or friends.
During the divorce, it is possible that the friendship will keep the process from getting ugly. It is also possible that she will transfer her frustrations to you, as she seems to lack the ability to deal with her own feelings. Well, lawyer up, just in case…
This sounds strangely fast (filing the papers). Did you try mediation, did she discuss the terms with you?
You didn’t mention how you’re feeling. If it was intentional, never mind. Take care,
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RyanA
recently joined
Reged: 02/08/07
Posts: 11
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Well here is what happened. Three days ago now I took my little girl out of daycare and went out of town for a day to get away from it all. Also to seek support from my mother who lives about 30 minutes outside of town. This was also after I "lawyered up" and he said I'm well with in my rights to do anything I wanted with my daughter.
So I stopped taking her calls and texted which came faster and faster and meaner and nastier. Well she panicked and filed all kinds of complaints with the courts.
But here is the funny thing. The very next morning after I removed her from the house her mother, who has been divorced more time than Liz Taylor and who also works as a paralegal, apparently drew up divorce papers. This, i believe, was done without my wifes knowledge. Lol so basically it was her mother that divorced me.
In our state mediation is mandatory so we both will go thru it whether she likes it or not. Since I have always been the primary caregiver I asked my lawyer to ask her lawyer that if we settle on joint custody and name me primary then I will assume all debts. Aprox 50k$ worth. Remember my wife is a rampant shopper. So well see what happens and another thing my state does not have alimony either  !
And yes I have repeatedly expressed my feelings and told her that it is time to grow up and make a decision for what you want and to cut the marionette strings her mother has over her.
Im still crushed yet still love her very much. My worst feeling is that my little 5 year old daughter is stuck in the middle of this. I have these weird emotional swings from coping to crying and they come as the wind blows. I'm still struggling with the fact that the 2 things I love most in this world are now gone, and dammit I didn't do anything wrong. Was like I went from bliss to blatant chaos in the matter of 15 minutes, literally. I was driving home from college to my impending doom and was thinking that for the first time in my life I was happy and that I was finally achieving happiness. And bamo! My heart,life and short term future were stripped away with the force of a nuclear bomb.
I am also having a hard time letting go. When I get low I have this urge to beg her back, but I cant do that anymore. Is worse than when i quit smoking in regards to the sheer urge of the craving.
However, I like to see the silver lining in all things. I used to hate married man that slept with my wife. But you know what I want to thank him for opening up my eyes and exposing my wife for what she really is. Just plain mentally sick and i also discovered that I was also living with the sickness and that i was an enabler. And I don't have to live that way anymore. I can live for myself and my daughter now and find someone who can reciprocate my feelings.
Also my phone has seriously not stopped ringing with support. Yesterday, for example, I had 183 minutes of talk time with 21 different people, and some of whom I haven't spoken to in years. And you know what, her phone inst ringing with support, and that makes my wife feel like she has to call me. But I told her that she is a stranger to me now and I care not to speak with her unless it is in regards to our daughter and I wish her well with what ever she chooses to do. The sad thing is that I can read my wife now like a book. Everything that she has done in the last few days went exactly as I had foreseen. And I foresee her crawling back sometime soon as the nexus of divorce creeps every closer and she realizes what she has truly done and how many people she hurt.
I can also say that I WILL LOVE HER till the day I day, yet I care not to speak to her. I will not say "Once more to the breach dear friend once more." However I will speak to her and of course will remain civil for the sake of the child.
And I will find solace in the fact that I have a very very very large network of friends and family that I forgot I had:)!
"
You didn’t mention how you’re feeling. If it was intentional, never mind. Take care, "
Sorry i was angry at time of last posting and I sometimes forget about "my feelings".
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Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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Having her mother doing the divorce was not very smart of her. Specially because she is emotional involved, which diminishes the changes of a fair agreement. Nobody wants to spend money and energy on litigation. I hope this first mistake is overcome during mediation.
Many times, during the divorce, the soon to be Xs go back dating again. If the attraction is still there, they spend some time together “just to be sure”, and also to have a closure. To show appreciation for all these years you’ve been together could help with any bitterness from her part.
There is no divorce without pain. Frustration, rejection, anger, the death of the dreams, the loss, the constant question “Why did this happen to us?”, the loss of the “us”, all these feelings have to be processed. Don’t rush it.
I’m glad you’ve been receiving support from family and friends. This is not a good time to be alone.
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RyanA
recently joined
Reged: 02/08/07
Posts: 11
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Had dinner with my wife and she would like to take some extra time to decide whether divorce is the right move and to agree to see counselors to seek their help!
I feel that now there is at least hope and could live with myself if we move down the road of divorce because at least we tried to make it work!
With this in mind how should I approach this to best ensure I don't come off as a person that is trying to hard when the opportunity arises! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Be honest. Be sincere, but don't get overly emotional during the joint sessions. It's OK to do it when you are alone with the counselor (they often have a few sessions indivdually with each spouse for just this reason), but in front of your wife it will seem like a "needy" reaction that may turn her off.
It would also be good to discuss this with the counselor once they have a chance to get to know the both of you. Ask if it would be OK to contact your wife outside of the sessions, to ask for a date. The counselor should know your wife's "temperature" on this and should be able to give you an answer. If not, let them be the one to bring it up during a session.
Let the counselor know your goal is to reconcile. They like to know what they are dealing with between the spouses. If your wife is using this as divorce counseling...trying to ease you into the whole divorce process...then the counselor's job is going to be more difficult.
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RyanA
recently joined
Reged: 02/08/07
Posts: 11
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"If your wife is using this as divorce counseling...trying to ease you into the whole divorce process...then the counselor's job is going to be more difficult."
While I have had more time to think about this whole process I am kinda feeling that is may be the case. Maybe she is trying to let me down slowly instead of an abrupt end. While I hope it is not I can still harbor hope in reconciliation.
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