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bacall
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 275
Is time the great healer?
      #21716 - 07/19/05 11:25 AM

Hello all! Don't post much on this "new" board, but have been reflecting of late (the advantage of growing older and wiser) that the old adage, time is the greatest healer, has some worth to it. As many posters have commented in the past, life is full of triggers (divorce seems to be one area where triggers are particularly strong and the emotions that ride in on the tide are difficult to overcome), but triggers are moments -- not life itself. It seems as time goes on, so many large issues in my life are shaping and reshaping themeselves -- the way I view life, the way I view others, the way I view myself... every day a new thought weaves itself in and out of my brain and in some ways, I find myself changing -- I can't tell yet if it is good or bad, but changing I am (as Yoda might say). Anyway, just wondered if others had the same feelings -- that after the aftershocks of divorce, as time goes on, your feelings, attitudes and reasonings have taken on new forms and shapes. Any comments? Hope all of you are enjoying the summer, where ever you may be... take care all, bacall

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Tabitha
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: bacall]
      #21743 - 07/19/05 01:06 PM

Well, as Dr. Phil would say, time in itself does nothing. It's what you do with that time. I agree with that, but I think most of us here have done a lot to recover, heal and gain understanding about ourselves. I find that the divorce did change me, but mostly for the better. For some reason I haven't let it make me bitter and untrusting. One of the most interesting things it has changed for me is the way I view life. I've actually become much more easy-going and accepting of reality than I used to be. And I've found that I appreciate people more and the hardships everyone seems to go through in their lives. I think hardships and how we overcome them is the truest form of self-improvement/growth.

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"You never really know a person until you divorce them."


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Terri1
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 71
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: Tabitha]
      #21787 - 07/19/05 04:03 PM

I never believed it when people told me but time is a great healer. Of course, you can't just lay in bed and wait for time to pass to feel better but as you move forward, things really do get better. I too have become more more easy going and don't sweat the small stuff as much. I have made many new friends and am doing things I never would have done had I still been married. Have been separated since January and can just now look at my stbx without tearing up. We can carry on a conversation without arguing. I never thought I would look at another man or was afraid I would feel desperate for one and grab the first one I could find. Instead, I am spending time with a great guy who is no more ready for a long term relationship than I am. He gives me someone to talk to about my divorce and I do the same for him. We take trips together or just hang out at one of our homes when he doesn't have his kids (mine are grown). Has done a great job for my attitude. Also, made myself meet a number of divorcing women that I spend a lot of time with. We all try to get together weekly and do things we didn't do before. All these things really do make life get better but I would never have believed it. You have to make yourself move forward and you will be surprised by how much better you feel. I know I did.

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Ryan
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Reged: 07/11/05
Posts: 85
Loc: Kansas
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: Terri1]
      #21795 - 07/19/05 04:19 PM

I think that I have become bitter towards a lot of things and times. I still deep down that I don't feel like a different times. Granted there seems to be lots of times when I don't feel any compassion for anybody. I sometimes I feel like I don't care about anybody else and that sucks and it always will and that's all there is to it. BUT, I know deep down that it is just the anger stage of this process and I know that life will get good again, when, I don't know but it will. My stbx for sure does not want to make it work and I have to deal with that and the fact that she will have relations with another man and probably on the bed that we conceived our child on, but that's part of the process. I try to find things to keep my mind off of everything like today I shot a 76 at my hometown golf course, my life time best and I shot a 79 yesterday which was my best until today. So i feel pretty good for that and it has helped keep my mind off of everything.

I definitely feel like I know what is important in life now and what is not. I know what to do in a relationship and what not to do. All I know is that the next woman i'm in a relationship with will benefit from it. It's too bad it can't be my stbx.

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Life's too short to be pissed off all the time.


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CaptainJim
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Reged: 01/15/05
Posts: 378
Loc: FLORIDA
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: Ryan]
      #21822 - 07/19/05 05:44 PM

Man shooting a 76 would heal just about anything for me!

I know time was a big healer for me, but I've seen people where it wasn't. I just broke off a friendship because of it. For 3 years that I've known her she's talked about very little except her ex husband and how evil he is and how smart she is and what she did to him this day and what she is going to do to him tomorrow...good lord people need to shut the hell up about it once they get the divorce paper signed. She's been divorced for 7 years and it's still the ONLY thing on her mind!

I couldn't run away from that friendship fast enough.

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Single dad who won custody


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Annie7676
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Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 870
Loc: NY
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: bacall]
      #21847 - 07/19/05 08:49 PM

All I can attest to is that time plus what you do with it do help. Its been 5 yrs since he left almost 30 yrs together to "find himself". There used to be triggers but not anymore. Now I find if he crosses my mind it doesnt' hurt or evoke much anymore. I will always regret that it didnt' work out but I can't go back only forward. And I do think time, new interests, hobbies, counseling, faith, friends, etc can put us on the right track. In some ways the divorce was a positive thing, it made me take a good hard look at myself and what I needed to change and try to work on that. I reconnected with friends/family and now enjoy myself with them, something never done with the X as it was usually his friends/family and there was usually tension...all gone. Divorce is hard but we can heal but we have to help ourselves and again time eases the pain. When people are first adjusting to it it is very hard...and for some it just takes longer...and then again as one poster here posted some don't ever get over it...I dont wish my x ill will but I really don't care all that much anymore. Thanks goodness I finally reached this place. And most of us here that are just beginning will get to a space where we can be happy again.

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kav
old hand
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Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: Annie7676]
      #21853 - 07/19/05 10:07 PM

Annie, your words are a great comfort. I have been separated from my husband for only 3 months and the pain I feel sometimes make it hard just to get through a day. But reading your post tells me if I push and get out there and do some living that eventually I can get past most of this. Thanks!!

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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.


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Annie7676
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Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 870
Loc: NY
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: kav]
      #21942 - 07/20/05 04:33 PM

Kav, I am glad that my post helps. I wallowed in my misery about being dumped by my x for several years. I could not wrap my brain around how someone could just throw away a life like that...but they do. These boards and everyone on them helped me enormously. I have come to FINALLY know that while I have changed and thats great there was nothing I could have done to stop the breakup, once they want out thats it...very few come back. I would have been better spent in working to accept it rather than wondering what I did wrong and how to fix it...since I do know that it takes two but both have got to want to work at it...anyway as I said time will heal but we have to help ourselves and take a good hard look at who/what/where we are...take care of the emotional, physical, spirtual, clean house do some maintenance on the outside and trust me it will work out.

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kav
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Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: Annie7676]
      #21957 - 07/20/05 06:02 PM

Annie, It's so hard to understand how the person you thought loved you, no longer wants to be with you. This goes through my mind all the time. How, after 14 years did you just say goodbye without a thought?? Anyway, I really want to get past this and move on with life. Thanks for listen.
Kim

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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.


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kav
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Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: kav]
      #21958 - 07/20/05 06:03 PM

Also, this site has helped me tremendiously. When I get home from work the first thing I do is log on to here and read. Knowing I'm not alone and reading what people do to get past this is great healing.

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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.


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