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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
Childbirth and such [Re: kav]
      #22108 - 07/21/05 05:15 PM

Ladies, remember when you grunted and pushed that baby into the world? The pain? The agony? The work it took? And who swore that they would never ever do this ever again?

Yet many of us did just that. As time passed we forgot the pain and suffering until we were smack bang in that Delivery Suite again grunting and moaning a few years later.

I think the same thing happens with divorce. As time passes the pain fades, you forget about every single minute of pain and your body learns that this is just a 'new normal'. You realise you CAN breathe without that other person. Life goes on and babies are born and people die. Even in the midst of an earthquake there are people having appendicitis and strokes and toothache that has nothing to do with the earthquake. You come to realise life does go on.

And at that point we can chose what we want our life to be. Some people rush into a new relationship hoping to recapture something of the past. Some people shy away from everyone and beome recluses. Some people will never accept that their marriage is over and carry on as if they are still married. Some people devour self help books looking for answers. And some people nuddle on through and find what works for them. And this is probably the best way to be. Rediscovering the power you have over your own life and life decisions is scary but enlightening. Who knows where it can lead you?

But for a while, we all need to nurse ourselves in a safe zone until we are ready to tke flight and be.

--------------------
If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem


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CaptainJim
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Reged: 01/15/05
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Re: Childbirth and such [Re: KiwiGirl]
      #22109 - 07/21/05 05:24 PM

and some of us buy a piano and learn to play, go to cooking school and learn to cook, buy a tape on french and end up throwing it away because you never learn anything more than "My soup is cold".

There's just so much to do and so many chances to do them when you don't have someone telling you they don't want to. Go, Live, Do.

--------------------
Single dad who won custody


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mlh53
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Reged: 06/03/05
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Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: bacall]
      #22124 - 07/21/05 06:29 PM

Hi bacall,

Good to see you on the board. It's been awhile. Anyway, to answer your question. Yes I think after the rollercoaster of divorce starts to even out and we get past the hurt, anger, disbelief, etc. we do change. And time does heal alot.

I can't speak for anyone else but I know I've changed dramatically. I've come to realize how strong I am; to listen to my instincts; to take more chances; to appreciate the talents I have and use them; to listen to the beat of my own drummer and not someone elses; to appreciate really good friends more as they are far and few between; and that life is darn short and it's such a waste to dwell on the negative or the past for long. I relate to people better. Listen more. And am not nearly as judgemental as I used to be. The list goes on and on. And I'm still a work in progress and learning new things about myself and others everyday.

Why? What has caused all these changes? Being set free; not being overshadowed and controlled by a very dominant personality; not living my life for everyeone else. When the X first left I wondered how I was ever going to make it on my own. Well here I am and doing fine. But it was the divorce that forced me to look deep inside myself, to change what was not working, and 5o become more independent. I even credit the X with some of these positive changes as I sincerely took some of his criticisms or reasons why he was walking to heart and asked myself if he could be right. And he was in some areas.

So yep, I think divorce can change people if they choose to do so. And these changes can be for the better. It's all up to the person. We can become stuck, brooding, and negative about our bad luck at picking someone wrong or we can say, hey, how can I improve things now that I'm free? How I can change for the better so as not to repeat the mistakes of the past?

There's something I guess about life altering events like divorce, death of a loved one, and kids moving out that force introspection and change whether we like it or not. I know all those events have changed me alot and I think for the better. It's the old how can I make lemonade out of life's lemons attitude.

Hopefully the changes you're going through are eye opening and for the better and helping to give you more a sense of who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, and where you might improve. It would be shame if any of us here went through the trauma of divorce without trying to learn some important lessons from it.

Melanie


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mlh53
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Reged: 06/03/05
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KiwiGirl - So well said :) ! [Re: KiwiGirl]
      #22125 - 07/21/05 06:34 PM

You truly have a way with words. Keep posting !

Melanie


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bacall
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Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: mlh53]
      #22187 - 07/22/05 01:07 PM

Dear Melanie,
Good to hear from you again, too. Well, I posted that question the other day just to see what the responses might be. Today (the roller coaster effect still working well, unfortunately) and yesterday I am so down in the dumps, it is hard to imagine that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I'm definitely not expecting the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. In some respects, what the divorce has done to me is question the good "things" that I used to believe in -- I don't think that is what is supposed to happen. I think your post is what is supposed to happen -- that you reflect overall on your life, change the parts of you that you can or want to, forgive or at least heal and then move on. I feel today (at least) that I have been running in place. Things are actually getting worse (still unresolved financial issues that I just can't seem to focus on or even try to deal with -- extraordinarily depressing and disappointing -- I mean to say, I am depressed and disappointed in myself -- have been for quite a while, under the layer of trying to, as much as possible, always do the right thing. The divorce is making me question what I have always considered to be the "good" parts of me -- one of my dearest friend's husband said the other day -- and I quote this "that I was too good for my own good." I guess it is a compliment, but I don't think I'm too good for anything -- as a matter of fact, the over-riding quality I feel right now is just as one huge gigantic failure. It is reinforced by all that has happened and I find it hard to come to terms with it all and find some kind of stability within myself. If someone replies to this and says to read a "co-dependent" book, I'm going to scream since I recognize full well the effect my ex-husband has had on me. The recognition and awareness isn't helping, though. I can't sustain any ambition, hope, attempt for any length of time. I am sure menopause and its attendant claims to your cognitive and physical prowess isn't helping this situation, but I can't seem to shake off the cloak of bleakness. Hoping this is really just a temporary thing and on Monday I will be writing apologizing for the self-pitying portrayal. Just wish I could close this chapter of my life and move on to a different one.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Take care (and I am very glad that you seem to definitely "recovering" and healing). Bacall


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KiwiGirl
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Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
To butt in here [Re: bacall]
      #22625 - 07/25/05 09:48 PM

Bacall,

Do NOT read those books. Forget about them. No books, nothing. Instead go outside and drive until you get to a remote spot and get out of your car and start to yell and scream. Let out the rage and frustration and anger and every painful moment your ex's decision has created.

Then look around, straighten yourself up and drive home.

It will not solve your financial woes, it will not make a new life for you. But it will release some of that bottled up tension I sense simmers over in a few tears now and again. I understand you are infinitely sad over the life you have been handed and feel entirely shortchanged by it all. Add to that financial woes caused by a 'head in the sand' approach to your finances (which I am just as guilty of doing, so you are not alone) and life seems like a mountain where you climb 4 steps and slide back 5. But life will go on. YOu still have a job, you still have all your limbs and your ability to move. Big fat failure? NEVER! The 'failure' is the man who walked away from life-long promises and vows. They all are failures ion my book. My ex, my husbands ex, Melanie's ex, your ex. All big fat failures. :confused:

--------------------
If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem


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NancyD
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Reged: 06/03/05
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Re: Is time the great healer? [Re: bacall]
      #22646 - 07/26/05 04:56 AM

I know what you're saying, and in some ways I have changed, but my deepest beliefs have not changed. It's all in my attitude. And that's a very superficial thing.

Maybe because I have a cushion in my family, I haven't hit the ground hard after my divorce. It was emotionally difficult, but I had great support from them in ways that have allowed me to focus on healing and re-establishing myself in my profession so that I could be self-sustaining.

I think the real sadness in my life, and a difficulty even greater than my divorce, will be when my father dies and I really have to be on my own.


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Karen1
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Reged: 06/02/05
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Re: To butt in here [Re: KiwiGirl]
      #22840 - 07/26/05 06:40 PM

I can relate to the part about finding a remote location, then yell and scream as much as you want. My Mom had leukemia for 5 years, and then died from that disease. I kept myself strong and upbeat around her of course. I did find myself a remote location and did the yell and scream. It does release tension. I would have done that in my house, but the neighbors would have thought someone was in here killing me.

--------------------
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".


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