sweetAJ
newbie
Reged: 12/29/04
Posts: 40
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I have not yet talked w/my attorney as this came up over the weekend.
CUrrently I have sole/sole, but in settlement it looks like we are going to agree to joint with me being primary.
Our son starts kindergarten this fall. I work out of town, and the kids' sitter is about 10 mins from my work. They have been going to her since I went back to work after birth of our 2nd child. (so that is almost 3 years)
Anyways, there is an elementary school about 2 minutes from the daycare provider. I am wanting to do the paperwork to enroll our son in that school.
I brought this up to STBX and he didn't agree. Said a couple of things. Said 1) he didn't like going to a school out of his hometown when he was a kid and 2) it would effect his time w/the kids.
I responded 1) we are talking kindergarten here, no junior high. My work hours (6a-2 30p) it will be hard to find a sitter in my hometown at 5 in the morning. Assuming I did find one that is good, that changing sitters as well as starting a new school would be bit much for him
2) Our current sched is Tues and Thurs afternoon I drop kids off at his place around 3 30 and he brings them home around 6 30-7; then every other weekend. SO how would this affect his time with the children?
Then he said he needed more time with the children.
I have been their primary care giver since birth. He was off doing his drugs. He is now about 10 months clean; woohoo for him, but it doesn't change how their life has been as far as time and everything with him.
I do all that I can to facillitate their relationship. They are happy kids, when our oldest has questions I answer them so he can wrap his head around it. I never talk down or bad about their father.
I am presuming this is a control trip. I don't know what else to think of it. I need to maintain my job, it's obvious he can't. The kids' routine would stay the same, he would get them at the same times on the weekdays.
Has anyone else been thru this?
thx,
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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Well, he has a point. At some point they will require your son to attend school where you live. So he makes all these friends and loses them and has to start over socially. It isn't going to kill him, but many people (judges included) feel that this should be avoided whenever possible. It can also affect his education. The lack of continuity between schools can really be shocking. I had a friend who did something similar and her daughter was LOST in first grade, because her kindergarten taught reading through one program and this school (same city - different side of town) used another. All the other kids knew the program and her daughter didn't. It took alot of time for her self-esteem to rebound from being the only kid that didn't know what was going on.
Honestly - changing sitters isn't nearly as likely to have the lasting impact as changing school systems will.
You're still in that place with him, where every objection feels like he is trying to spite you. Even if he is, it doesn't mean that he doesn't have a good point. Don't let it be about him. Just grind your teeth and remind yourself that it is always good to consider an opposing view before you make a decision - it helps you to really know whether you are doing the right thing.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19804
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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He was off doing his drugs. He is now about 10 months clean; woohoo for him, but it doesn't change how their life has been as far as time and everything with him.
---> And so you want to continue punishing him (and the children) because he got caught up in something beyond his control until he pulled his head out of his ass? If he wants more time with the kids, then give him more time...it can only benefit the children. Instead of having to worry about finding a sitter at 5am, take them to Dad's and let him take care of them.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9816
Loc: Arkansas
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IMO, living with dad and going to school in their home town would be WAY peferable to having a BABYSITTER send them to school. Kids have a mom and a dad for a reason - if one can't do some duty, the other is there to do it. A babysitter should not be put in the middle of that and do their jobs.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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I don't really get why it would impact his time with the kids, but I do agree that the children should be enrolled in a school local to a parent's home, not a babysitter's home....provided that the educations are comparable and what-not.
Social relationships start early, and they quickly carry over to other community oriented activities like church, playing at the park, youth soccer, etc. And it's not only your child's relationship with his peers, but your relationships with other parents. Birthday parties, sleep-overs, field-trips and such will be much easier to manage from a local school.
Have you contacted the other school? Around here, if you want to send your child to an out-of-district school, it costs you about $6K per year.
Ten months clean is cause for celebration, *especially* for your children.
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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that living with Dad and being taken to school by dad was an option??? The poster indicated that the father's timeshare would not be affect by either school choice.
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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I was wondering the same thing; however, it sounds like the Dad would have additional time b/c presumably the OP would be dropping the kids off with the DAD in the morning, and not the babysitter/daycare.. so he would get time with them, EVERY morning from drop off time to when he took them to school.. and I'm going to assume he'd also get additional time every day AFTER school (assuming otherwise, the kids would go to daycare, where bus would likely pick them up for school, and then drop them off again after school, EXCEPT on those days where Dad would be picking them up for his regularly scheduled 2 day a week visitation).
Soooo, if I'm interpreting that correctly, then the Dad would be getting substantial additional time (seeing his kids 5 days a week, PLUS every other weekend)?
I'd agree that additional time with Dad would be great; however, I'd be somewhat concerned whether he'd maintain sobriety/consistency.
My concern would be: What happens if he starts doing drugs again? Forgets to pick up/drop off? Becomes unreliable? Then what does this mother do? Find a new sitter/daycare nearer home.. thus causing another change in kids' lives? Does she jeopardize HER job to pick up the slack in case he fails to meet his commitments?
I think it's great Dad is "clean"... but I think just assuming he's all of a sudden ready to deal with the day to day responsibility of full time child care might be a bit risky for the other parent in this situation?
Not saying he doesn't deserve additional time, just saying that when making these decisions.. the OP had to consider the "what if" of if he doesn't stay clean..then what does she do? What effect does that have on their children? I give her credit for having some forethought and thinking long-term...
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The best we can do is live our lives with enlightened improvisation.
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elliesmom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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I don't know that Dad is the best option if he does have substance abuse problems. I'll leave that to the poster to decide. But I do know people who have regretted using the option of doing K near their childcare provider and just switching to their neighborhood school for 1st grade. Yes it makes things simpler for the parent at that time, but it can make things very hard on the kid. Mom is a working parent, she doesn't need to turn the precious evening time into homework h*ll during first grade. It isn't worth the convenience for K. Even if it was a STBX who brought it to her attention.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Wait...I think only the oldest child is school aged. There is a second child that still has to be cared for fulltime, so she has to stop at the babysitter's, regardless, unless the father is willing to watch the younger child fulltime. But...a drug addict only 10 months clean...I wouldn't hire him to work at daycare. So because he's the biological father she should turn the kids over?
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Ellie:
I guess I'm confused as to why the poster HAS to change the child back after kindergarten? I mean, won't the child potentially STILL need before/after school care (ie: at the daycare/sitter's)?
Schools here work alot differently than what I grew up with back home... A child here pretty much changes schools ANYWAY in the 2nd grade. For example, former step only has half day K and then has 1st/2nd grade at one school.. in her town.. and then for 3rd grade, switches to another school.. same school district, different town though. Then in 7th grade, she'll switch yet again, then again in 10th grade.
Just a thought... if she needed before/after care anyway, maybe a switch after a few years mighn't be that traumatic?
I know I am considering something similar.. for when the time comes. Nothing to do with dad, just I'm in one of the crappiest school districts on the island.. my daycare provider is one of the top 5. I'd give my left arm if she'd let me register dd in THAT district. lol...
Nancy: I'm glad you echo my concern about the dad and his "clean" status. While I don't know if daycare providers here have to pass drug tests, they and their employees (ALLL of them, down to basically anyone who enters the facility.. so if you are a family home daycare, EVERY member of your home has to be background checked, regardless of if they are caring for kids or not).
But I wonder how many people responding that it's greatl dad gets extra time with his kids, would be enthusiastic if they knew the person caring for THEIR kids was a former drug addict. I'm not a believer that genetics erases or dismisses prior bad acts.
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The best we can do is live our lives with enlightened improvisation.
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