Arkrube
recently joined
Reged: 04/07/07
Posts: 7
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My wife concluded, 2 years ago, she needed to take "another road", but "divorce really doesn't effect children; especially, if one parent is truly unhappy".
So, fast-forward to the present: divorced, joint custody with 40% with my 3 and 7 year-old children paying over $600 per month in support and half of insurance deductibles.
The ex-wife chose to put our 7yo in private school and thinks I should pay because "we had discussed this issue while married and agreed upon it"; plus, she "knows" I can afford it?
Stupidly, I have wanted to reconcile since the issue of divorced surfaced, some time ago. I have worked on her car, paid monies well outside the parameters of my decree because she told me she was broke and had huge credit card debts. Recently, I found out she has been taking time off from work to travel to the local casino to gamble. So, I pulled the "plug" on writing her checks...well, now she states (angrily) she was spending "her money" and I am a control freak by condemning her for gambling and taking time-off to do so...I think we are well pass the point of "repair and reclaimation"?
Now, I am "hammered" 3 to 4 times per week for money for this and that. I have been threatened, repeatedly, about returning to court over money issues, but the decree is clear in regard to the aforementioned in my second paragraph.
My question is: "Am I less of a father and/or man, if I chose to find happiness in relocating 2,000 miles away, in pursuing my career, moving closer to family memebers and fulfilling my new dream of having a 100 acre farm vs. avoiding my ex-wife/confrontations, living in the suburbs commuting 100 miles RT to work.
I would like to arrange in having my children during the Summer and Spring or Christmas Break(s)which equates to over 20% versus my current 40%.
I'd like some opinions on this; especially from divorced moms. I love my children, but I can't eat $&!* forever; plus, I can't find, within myself, a valid reason to continue commuting to my present job locale.
Am I wrong or am I right in my plans and/or thoughts..?
PS: ...and she, recently, came to my home and made me a birthday cake. :smirk: Is 2K miles far enuf?
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asurvivor
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/14/05
Posts: 3410
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I don't begrudge anyone for bettering themselves. But, how will YOUR MOVE effect your children? Will they be able to function from Sept. thru May without seeing their father? Will they be able to live with the fact you are not in town to see their school functions? Will they be OK now that you ran from MOM and left them behind?
And if you do decide to move, you'd have to go back to court to rectify your CO to include your move. Are you ready to face the ex in court?
Alot of variables, I know, but they all must be considered.
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Arkrube
recently joined
Reged: 04/07/07
Posts: 7
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How does arguing about money and time spent better their lives? What does it do for me to deny paying/allowing participation in activites that they were "promised" by MOM?
I have to see her about 4 times per week and it is always about her in need of money, my retirement accounts, a new shirt and even the issue of me re-staining my deck have been points of contention. Issues, such as the latter, have been "brought out" in front of the children...where do I "exit"?
I am the a??h*#% because, now, I say "no" to operating outside the parameters of the divorce decree? Did she think it would be just like being married, but without living together and sharing a bed? Yet, we would have joint accounts and feel a need to discuss and come to agree on everything at some point? She doesn't like to be told, "refer to the divorce decree".
She is my ex-wife and I feel I must re-affirm 4 times per week that her opinion is just that...her's as spoken by that of an ex-wife.
I just feel it is fruitless to argue and squabble over a relationship that has become a legal arrangement involving one that wants to renegotiate and one that wants form of "normal"; whatever that may be.
I am not looking "run" just to return to a "crossroad" in my life and start down another road...
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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I think you need to stop and think about if moving is going to stop all her begging for money or if she will just be doing it long distance. I honestly don't think it will end just because you are no longer right there. Then there is the issue of how your children are going to feel. They will only see you half the amount of time with a huge spread between visits. Children need both parents actively in their lives.
No one can tell you NOT to do it and she can't stop you from leaving but I'd think very seriously about the consequenses for your kids if you do.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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madalex
enthusiast
Reged: 01/08/07
Posts: 261
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[quote] Did she think it would be just like being married, but without living together and sharing a bed? [/quote]
That is probably exactly what she thought - you would leave the house and the marriage, but that she would otherwise get to disctate the terms of the relationship - including asking for money all the time, commenting on things that should be of no concern to her, etc. And, it sounds like you are letting her. Whenever she asks about something or tries to talk about something that is inappropriate, the response should be a blank look (not, "you aren't my wife anymore, so I'm not going to talk to you about that'). After awhile (and it may be a long while), the incidences of this will (hopefully) decrease, if not end.
And who cares whether she likes or doesn't like being told to refer to the divorce decree? Again, by buying into that, you are letting her set the parameters of your relationship.
In the end though, this isn't about her. It is about you and your children. Better, in my opinion, that they have their father in their life on a regular basis (even if that means putting up with crap from the ex), than only seeing him a few times a year.
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Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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I agree with madalex that you should try to distance yourself without moving, for now. Try to be less available to take her calls or chat with some coolness when picking up/dropping off the kids. Screen your phone calls, be busy or in a hurry when she brings up issues you don't want to deal with.
She may need to be reminded that she wanted the divorce and that now you are trying to go on with your life. If you did get taken back to court, I don't see how that would benefit her.
Keep track of any additional $$ you are giving her.
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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
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Grace
addict
Reged: 08/19/04
Posts: 404
Loc: KY
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2000 miles is probably not far enough to keep her from thinking of you as her personal ATM & giving you grief.. She'll simply do it long distance.
Persoanlly, I'd LOVE to be a few thousand miles away from my ex. Sigh. . . but, our kiddo needs us both. When he's 18 though, I'm leaving the country!
Moving is your choice. However, don't let a greedy ex push you away from your kids. I know things for them is not ideal right now. It isn't going to be, their parents are divorced. You moving away won't bring you much peace and it won't for your kids either.
Good luck in whatever you decide
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Dyslexic agnostics don't believe in Dog.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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...your responses. You KNOW the lines she will use, so practice hos you will respond:
Exwife: "I need some money..."
You: "Wow, sorry to hear that..."
Exwife: "But I need you to give me some, you KNOW you can afford it..."
You: "Sorry, I already paid you child support for the month..."
Exwife: "Come on, I REALLY need it..."
You: "Well, then I suggest you get a better job..."
Simply make it clear that you are NOT giving her ANY extra money. Let her guilt you ALL she wants, but KNOW that there are LOTS of us out here who DON'T even get the bare MINIMUM from ex's, and know that you have NOTHING to be guilty about.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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You have given more than enough. Start paying your court ordered stuff and that's it. Let her deal with the rest. My kids' dad is ordered to pay $200 a month for 2 kids and keep them covered on insurance. This was ordered 3 years ago or so. I have yet to get anything on insurance from him and just two weeks ago, I recieved my first child support check. It was great. $4.83. Wow. Hope it didnt break him, laughing. Anyway, in my opinion, telling her no would really beat being that far away from your kids. I lived 200 miles away from mine for a bit and it drove me crazy.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26679
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Its easy on paper isn't it, at least for her, the divorce meant exactly what you said, she does what she wants and you support her. You have to do a couple of things, one is realize that she is there, and that is not going to change, the other is what are you comfortable with? If you are comfortable with things, then let them be, if you don't want to give her money don't. The money is one issue. If you do not want to give her money, you have to just tell her no, you don't have to refer to the divorce decree, you don't have to give reasons, you don't have to do anything but say no and be prepared for the firestorm that will follow. Stop worrying about what she does or what she spends, never judge her behavior again. If sshe gambles, let her gamble, its her business. You can get off into the weeds about how it is destructive to the kids and it will eat you up. You wanted to reconcile and that fact plays alot into the watching what she does, it still hurts and you want her to see that you are a good man and you still do things for her. Really just saying no and only no will send the message. You never have to explain to her what your finances are, its none of her business. She may feel that since you want, or wanted to reconcile, she still has a dog in this fight. Just say no to what you want to say no to. The other is the move. You only have to interact with the ex as much as you want to. You live in your house and she is the same as any other guest, tell her to leave, and live yoru life, change your home phone or just turn it off. This is not just on her terms, it is on yours because it is your life. If you are moving to get away from her, then it is probably not the right answer, if you are moving to the dream home and starting over for you and the kids, then go for it. You really have to take her out of the equation when you make the decisions that affect your life. I know its easy on paper, but the execution is harder than people realize. If its right, you will fell it and do the right thing.
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