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PerryP
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Reged: 04/11/07
Posts: 3
At a Crossroad
      #221043 - 04/11/07 02:30 AM

Hello,

To start I am a male ,37 yrs old and have been for the most part been happily married to my wife of almost 10 years. She is almost 36. We have 2 beautiful sons 6 and 3, I love them dearly as the oldest child and I are best friends, the younger is still attached to his mommy, wich I am fine with, my eldest was the same. My eldest also has aspergers syndrome and has been a fighter his whole life, (eye surguries,premature by 8 weeks, and has asthma. He's the toughest person I know and admire him so much .

Throughout the years of our marriage we have struggled a bit with my inability to show intimacy in certain levels (i.e. touching, carressing at times, holding hands in public, and it has taken its toll on my wife.

I attribute a lot of this due to my ubringing, my parents were great providers, yet I did not see them a lot touching or holding one another very much. I love my wife to this day and I am very much IN love with her, we have had counseling in the past and was on a great course back to a healthy marriage, I made strides to be more intimate (not so much in a sexual term) but in a solemate type of persona, yet when I did not get much feedback over some time,I was left feeling discouraged and wondered if my wife has anything left for me now.

It's gotten to the point that if we are not on a sexual type of level and I go to touch her or hold hands with her or just casually kiss her she pulls back and feels as though something is not right, shes just not used to me being there for her on that level, she also feels that now its premeditated, whereas I am genuinely wanting to do the things she so desparately craves.

During some of our counseling she has made references to me that she has fantasized about other men and I fear that I amy be too late in my efforts to convince her that I truly am IN love with her. Right noe it sickens me to have heer or the children out of my life. shes very distant to me at times and does not take anything I say to heart, especially compliments I give her.

I am slowly preparing myself for the worst, as I fear she will follow through with a separation.

I really am at a crossroad.

We communicate well at times but right now I know something is going on in her head, I just hope she makes the correct decision, because as of now I cant stop thinking about her and what I may have already lost.


any advice....sorry to ramble

Perry


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liftnbhappy
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Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 69
Re: At a Crossroad [Re: PerryP]
      #221054 - 04/11/07 07:39 AM

Hi Perry. I can totally relate to the touching situation. While growing up my parents weren't very affectionate with me and we rarely said I love you. My husband grew up pretty much the same way, but with abuse tied along with that. He took a different route though, he always wanted to hold hands and hug and just hang on me and it would drive me crazy. I would have to in my mind make a conscience effort to be affectionate. After many years of problems in our marriage to include abuse and infidelity we have learned many things about ourselves and our marriage.

The most important thing we learned is that our marriage is 100 times more important to our children then to us. We choose to have our children not the other way around. It is up to us to do everything in our power to make their world loving and secure. And that meant getting over ourselves completely.

We both make a conscious effort to put into the marriage what the other one needs. That means my husband understanding that I don't need him hanging on me in public and me understanding that holding hands isn't such a bad thing.

With your son having medical problems at such a young age he is already going to have a lot of adversity in his life. You and your wife separating and divorcing will only escalate more problems for him and your younger son. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss what you both can do to make your marriage better. And like I said get over yourselves. Your childhood is over, quit letting it dictate your life today. Your children are the ones you have to worry about now. This is no longer strictly about you and your wife. Hopefully, she understands that too.

If you are going to counseling and the counselor isn't helping find another one. It might take a few. Also sit down and discuss with your wife openly how you feel. Communication is the BEST tool that will make your marriage successful.

As for the other men part, well fantasies are one thing, harping on them all day long is another. That definitely won't help solve your marital problems. She needs to recognize that and stop being selfish and put her head back into her marriage. PERIOD.

Good luck to you both. Keep us posted.


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PerryP
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Reged: 04/11/07
Posts: 3
Re: At a Crossroad [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #221448 - 04/12/07 12:26 AM

Thanks for the reply,

I totally agree and already have put my childrens life absolutely first,and she has as well, yet she also wants to be happy, and in her defense she has given me a fair amount of warning.

As I stated I am not verygood at showing emotion and being affectionate, something she craves very much, and I/we are working on the problem, the counselor we are seeing is in my opinion very good and we have made strides in the past under her supervision.

Like I said though, after a period where I felt like I was the only person showing the initiative, I became discouraged and kind of went back to my normal way of things,not to mention we stopped seeing the counselor mainly because of finiancial reasons, (she was also privately seeing a psychologist) so it added up.

We have also got wind of some very discouraging news on my side of the family, BOTH my sister and brother will be filing for divorces. It's been a harsh April to say the least and my wife was very close to my sister, consequently she is leaving my bor-in -law for the exact reason...she is not in love with him any more.

I feel terrible for my brother in law...hes a great guy, and my wife has stated she is very distraught over this and is consumed by it as of now.

We had a good day today anyway, my parents had the boys overnight, and I spent time one on one with my wife, and we shared some laughs, and breakfast.

I'll do whatever it takes on my end to keep my wife and kids.

Take care...I'll be around,

Perry


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liftnbhappy
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Reged: 08/20/06
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Re: At a Crossroad [Re: PerryP]
      #221462 - 04/12/07 06:13 AM

Sorry Perry, but you can make excuses all you want. I won't buy any of them. I can guarantee where I have been with my husband was ten times worse where you and your wife are and we made it.

I'm not in love with you anymore? Puh-lease. Love is a choice not an emotion.

You think counselors are expensive? Figure out how expensive a divorce will be and see which is the cheaper alternative. Separate homes, child support, possible alimony, two separate utility bills, lawyers, etc. Be realistic that's not an excuse. Take a loan out. Also consider the fact of someone else fathering your children when she decides to start a relationship with someone else. Or has she thought of someone else mothering her children when you move on and start a relationship with another woman? Hmmm...somehow to ME counseling is worth the money.

Sorry to hear about your brother and sister. But that's them not you. Why is this consuming your wife? I have several friends going through divorces right now, very messy ones. My heart goes out to them, but I would never let their lives consume me and let my own marriage suffer because of their's. My children are more important than my friends and even my parents and brothers and sisters. End of story.

You say you are both thinking of the children, but she is just fed up. Ha! Wait until she has to put up with the children's emotional distress on top of hers and yours in a divorce.

If your sister and/or brother have children look at how their divorce is affecting their children. Do you want that for your children? If they don't have children go to the library and get some books on children and divorce and/or helping children cope with divorce. If you think you will some how make this convenient and amicable for the children you are fooling yourself and so is she.

You feel like you are the only one showing initiative?? Marriage isn't 50/50. Sometimes its 90/10 or 70/30. And you aren't always going to be on the upper side of that. That's just how it is. Marriage is hard. You have to be two feet in at all times. When you are having a good day, bad day or an indifferent kind of day you reach out to your spouse and communicate with them. That's all it takes. "Honey, I'm having a bad day, I don't mean to take it out on you, I just need some time to think." "Honey, I'm having a fantastic day, I feel great and I couldn't be more happy with my life." "Honey, today was OK, nothing big happened. I'm so glad I have you and the boys to come home to." Your wife, like you, is not a mind reader. You need to be told her feelings and she needs to tell you hers. That's how you communicate and know how to meet the other ones needs. There are going to be times when you can't meet her needs and vice versa. But you should NEVER take advantage of the fact that you chose to have children and share your life with this woman.

You had a good day together. Great. They aren't all good days. Actually most of them are pretty bland. But I can guarantee you that even your worse day together is better than any day alone. If you don't believe me go hang out in the Life After Divorce section and read some of the posts there.


I don't mean to sound harsh by any means. I just really don't think your wife or you have any excuse to throw the towel in on your marriage. Just because your marriage has become a little bit mundane doesn't mean you bail. The only thing you create is the image for your boys is that when the going gets tough or boring you bail. Set a better example for them.

Good luck to you and your wife.


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Debbie_L
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Re: At a Crossroad [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #221543 - 04/12/07 12:17 PM

I don't get the impression that the poster wants to bail - I think he's afraid his wife will bail. Am I wrong? He can only control his own actions, not hers.

PS - I was 1000 times happier after leaving my ex, so that part about being alone being worse isn't the case for many. I had no fear whatsoever about being alone - it beats the crap out of being in a bad relationship anyday (or even a mediocre one). Sorry, but that's my opinion.

I am now very happily married to the person I wish I could have met long before I did. This is what a relationship is supposed to feel like (and I always knew that - even though I hadn't found it in the past). I wasn't willing to settle.


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Patrice
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Reged: 07/21/06
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Re: At a Crossroad [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #221585 - 04/12/07 01:58 PM

"But I can guarantee you that even your worse day together is better than any day alone."

Strong disagreement here. There is nothing wrong with being alone, and especially to someone who has been in a bad marriage.

I did not chose my divorce but have adjusted quite well to living single, thank you. I'm not sure the "life after divorce" board can be characterized as a testament to your statement either. There are definitely people going through tough times, but there are also many veterans who are great examples of life being better in the long run, and survivors in general.

You're overstating things here.

--------------------
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.


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liftnbhappy
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Re: At a Crossroad [Re: Patrice]
      #221599 - 04/12/07 02:16 PM

To both Patrice and Debbie. I don't feel I am overstating anything. These are my opinions. You can agree to disagree with me. Everyone has their own story and what did and didn't work for them. In Perry's post I don't sense any abuse or neglect which leads me to believe that they should do everything possible and then some to work on their marriage, especially since there are children involved.

No, I don't think Perry wants to bail but he seems to be making excuses that in MY opinion don't hold water for her to bail.

And again this is just my opinion, but most of the posts on the life after divorce board are testaments as to how much harder things are especially when they have children. I haven't read all the posts and I am sure there are people out there that are happier divorced, you two included. I am not speaking negative about divorcee's as you two have seem to have taken it.

Again this post is my opinion. That is the whole point of a post.


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Debbie_L
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Re: At a Crossroad [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #221685 - 04/12/07 05:59 PM

How the hell can he be expected to control her actions? What excuses for her to bail? If she wants to bail, she's going to bail. And I do know many, many people who are far happier on their own than with the wrong person, I'm not saying that he will be happier without her, or her without him, but to say that a day alone is worse than your worst day together is absolute bullsh!t in my experience (and many other people's).

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Patrice
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Re: At a Crossroad [Re: liftnbhappy]
      #221734 - 04/12/07 08:42 PM

Liftnbhappy--The problem is you told the OP that you can GUARANTEE that any day alone is worse than the worst day being married (hope that's close). You're not just stating your opinion here, you're making a "factual" statement.

You can GUARANTEE the sun will come up tomorrow, or that in twelve months you will be a year older. Unless you have super powers, you cannot guarantee someone's experience of happiness, no matter how much you happen to believe it is true. The married life vs. divorced life concept is very individual.

I also "feel" (an opinion word, not a blanket statement) that one person cannot maintain a marriage, no matter how much they want to stay married. If the other person wants no part of counseling, or has left the marriage emotionally, the marriage is over.

I'm really not pro-divorce, even though I am divorced. I just don't "think" (opinion word) that every marriage can be saved.

--------------------
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.


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Patrice
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Re: At a Crossroad [Re: Patrice]
      #221735 - 04/12/07 08:48 PM

To Perry: I really hope your marriage is fixable. I think you're wise to consider both outcomes though. Sorry to have taken your post off track. Keep communication open, with your wife and with others who support you. It helps a lot (either result) to share your pain. Wishing you the best.

--------------------
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.


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PerryP
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Reged: 04/11/07
Posts: 3
Re: At a Crossroad [Re: Patrice]
      #221762 - 04/13/07 01:38 AM

TY Everybody, Opinions do vary,

My main concerns with my marriage as of now , is makeing sure my wife is IN love with me , without that there is a serious problem IMO.

I get the gut feeling that divorce is not immanent in my marriage, dont ask me to prove this, its just a gut feeling I have.

I respect everybodys opinion and can see how everyone here is so filled with feelings. I dont expect this to be a short road for us but I do expect the road (in the long run) to be a happy one.

I'm kind of curious as to what will happen this weekend, when I start different hours of employment, I will be home more in the day/evening.

I'll be in touch.


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