Man
recently joined
Reged: 04/13/07
Posts: 24
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This post may be less relevant to this forum but I am putting it here because my impression is this forum is lively, insightful and diverse with many knowledgeable no-nonsense members. Here is the story.
I have been married for close to 20 years. Even though I have an advanced degree I have been a SAHP for reasons related to the nature of my STBX career, we have been living in small villages and moving too frequently for me to get into anything meaningful. The plan was I tough it out and when we finally settle in a big city I can start doing something. But STBX is calling it off now and timing it to inflict maximum financial damage on me.
We have a 12 years old daughter. We are fighting for custody. As a SAHP I understand that my chance for primary custody is great. The problem is the STBX is now manipulating and brainwashing the kid so she can bring her before the judge and have her state that she wants to end up with STBX. I have a great loving relation with the kid. Our bond is unbreakable, but kids can be manipulated. But the STBX manipulations have been on full gear. The kid is under the impression that if she stays with me she will be too poor, if she goes with STBX she will be super rich. In a year STBX will be making in the range of 400K.
What can I do to get custody while minimizing the psychological damage to the kid from a lowly STBX manipulations?
The other question is STBX now makes about 80K. What is fair child support and spousal support now and after her income goes up a year later to around 400k and for how long?
The last question is we have high credit card debt and a student loan in my name. I took that loan only because she had no income at that time while she was preparing for her professional exams. At that time I made enough income to cover the cost of my education and got the student loan only to support her obtain professional license. Right now I am out of work, in my mid 40s, and in all likelihood will need to go back to school to get up to-date and join the work force. This will take time. Even when I join the work force, my STBX will be making close to 10 times what I will be making. How is the debt to be allocated? It doesn't seem fair that I get 50% of it. Any ideas will be appreciated.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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Are you in the U.S.?
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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Man
recently joined
Reged: 04/13/07
Posts: 24
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Yes, I am in the U.S.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Why don't you explain why you stayed home with the kids instead of giving the BS excuse.
Why do you expect to get a ton of money for performing childcare ?
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Debbie_L
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
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Yregna, there are lots of stay at home dads nowadays. Welcome to the 21st century - troll.
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Man
recently joined
Reged: 04/13/07
Posts: 24
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yregna,
I stayed home because we moved from a small village to another every couple of years because that was the only she could build her career. Where we lived there were only churches, a hospital and sometimes a Wal-Mart. My skills are marketable only in big cities. I could have gone and got employed in a different city. This was unthinkable because my STBX worked 3 shifts style, many of them over nights. I couldn't leave my child sleeping with a stranger 2 or 3 days a week. My STBX refused to let me move to a city and take the kid with me.
Family is about compromise, cooperation and sacrifice, or at least that is how I understand it. If each partner pulls in a different direction pursuing his/her own private best interests, we will not have families to raise healthy kids. If each parent goes where it suits him, we will raise generations of children orphaned by the absence of one parent from their life at a tender and formative age. Luckily, some among us are capable of putting their kids' best interests before their own and take substantial risk for them. But this is the type of work/sacrifice that society does not seem to appreciate enough. Sometimes the hardest job is to be unemployed, but overworked zombies who hate their jobs cannot understand this.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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That sounds great except for ONE THING...
I was the one who went out in the raw competetive world and earned the income for the other "parent" to stay home. I was the one who made the agreement " You can stay home for now but when the kids are in school full time, you need to help me with the bills "
Guess what ? Turns out that risk is a LOT larger than I ever anticipated. Even though I took many precautions, the law says if the SAH Parent decides NEVER to go back to work, you have to support them FOR LIFE ? That is a pretty huge risk for this great societal goal of family and good kids and such...Far too great of a risk.
NO man should do it..EVER. Women should work, Men should stay at home with the kids. Always...Later when the kids are in school, you'll have plenty of free time on your hands...Join a book club, become an author, join a gym, buy a boat and go fishing. If your wife says boo...Divorce her and you'll be sitting pretty for the rest of your life. THAT IS THE LAW !! ( Don't forget to take the letter opener when you divide things up, let her have the check book )
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Cinder2
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4361
Loc: Southern California
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Just out of curiosity....
You say you lived in small "villages" where there was at most some churches, a hospital, and a Wal-Mart. What business is your ex in that she can earn $400K in such an area?
Cinder
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Man
recently joined
Reged: 04/13/07
Posts: 24
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Cinder2: Wal-Mart employees and priests do not make that much, you guess the rest.
Yregna: You 've got it wrong. Being a SAHP has nothing to do with permanent support. And yes, of course, in an ideal world men and women should work, but sometimes one of them has to stay home for some compelling practical reasons. Not every SAHP is a lazy bum, some of them are fine people (Susan is an example). And not any spouse of a SAHP is an angel who is exploited pre and post divorce. Some of them are, or become, jerks and abuse the trust and the ensuing power imbalance. In many cases the breadwinner gets out of the marriage with a solid career and enjoy all its economic, social and psychological benefits while the SAHP gets out of it older, with rusty skills and has to start all over again and face age discrimination and all the rest of the disadvantages. Just the psychological pain of this is indescribable. Raising kids and sacrificing for them is still neither rewarded; nor valued, an index of how human our society is, but thanks heaven it has its own rewarding joy, a priceless one at that. Good post divorce parents who care and/or pay child support deserve to be honored as well.
It is wrong for us to see every case through the prism of our own experience. Cases come in infinite variety, that is why human judges decide, not a computer program. We do not live in a world where anything come in neat tiny packages for us to pass judgment automatically. The world is a complex place and each case stands to be judged on its own merits.
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Miranda
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
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I guess she is a doctor?
The reason why I asked if you were in the U.S. is because of your diction and vocabulary. I really have never heard an Amercian say "villages" as in a place they live. Now when I lived overseas, everyone used the word villages versus town, city, etc..
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!
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