Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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My son's wedding was Saturday and all went well. I made it through some difficult situations re: stbx and his OW with flying colors. Shed a bunch of happy tears. Having that front row seat certainly gives one a real close view of the bride and groom. They looked so happy and in love. As the bride and her Dad made their appearance, I watched my son's face, and have never seen him look so happy. Nor have I ever seen a bride and groom so thoroughly enjoy their reception, but then I am probably partial a bit.
Reception line was a tad difficult for me as OW was included in that. STB stood next to my son and I stood between the brides parents. Then stbx, OW and her daughters were at the table beside mine. The minister asked her parents, calling them by Mr and Mrs, to stand and asked if they accepted Matt into their family, then did the same with stbx and I. I have been told by a few family members that when stbx and I stood up and said we do, the OW did also. That is tacky IMO. Nothing against step moms doing this, but hell, stbx and I are still legally married and she isnt' a step mom. SHe is what my son said when she came up to him to congrats and, then join the line... He said just 2 words... "the girlfriend". Only one of my extended family has seen stbx since he left 3 years ago, and keep in mind he was part of our family for over 30 years. When they got to stbx in the reception line they barely said more than hello when OW leaned in and said "I'm..... well she said her name but I was going to put skanky trash woman. ( BTW, Lyn, thanks for the new nick name for her) So they did not feel too open to speaking with stbx just then, but I did see my brother and stbx talking later on and that is good. My brother was just a little boy of 10 when I met stbx and as our dad was not on the scene often, before and and after the divorce, stbx was sort of the father figure, thankfully my brother picked up only some good traits of stbx! After he left, my brother kept sending e mails to stbx, with no response other than a forwarded joke with no personal message. After months my brother finally told him that was not keeping in touch and if that was all he could do, then to stop. And that was the end of any e mails. My brother is leaving for Iraq on 9-12. I have told stbx that and so am glad they had some communication with each other.
So once again I got through something I had some stbx /OW related apprehension over. ANd once this is final and the house is sold I won't have to see him again until a grandchild arrives. And I thank God for that.
Made me wish I had just kept my mouth closed when my son told that he was telling his dad that his OW was not being invited. But really, none of it matters, what matters is that my son and his bride are so in love with each other. Like all of us at one time, they seem committed to keeping it that way and I hope they make it.
I have not told my son that after signing final settlement papers that are signed by the magistrate and part of the record at the courthouse, and just over a week before the final hearing, stbx fired his attorney and got a new one. Guess he thinks his prior attorney is inept. Too bad it took him also 3 years to figure that one out. Hopefully we will have another settlement hearing soon and the magistrate will nip this crap then. Sad thing for him is that the main objections he has have already been decided by the magistrate at presettlement hearings, they involve pensions and the type of spousal support. Can't imagine the magistrate will be too thrilled, she was thinking this would be over on Wednesday and she could close the books on one case. Any further legal fees I accrue due to his backing out on a signed agreement and changing attorneys.... we are going to ask the magistrate that stbx be responsible for those. So guess I will be in limbo land for a while longer.
Thinking about some of the posters on this site got me through some rough moments during the wedding and reception. So once again I am saying a big thanks.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Karen
I am so happy for you!!! You stood tall and enjoyed the moment. That's great, you get to walk away with wonderful memories of your son's wedding. Congratulations on making it through a difficult obstacle. Our thoughts were with you.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Good for you Karen! I am glad that you were able to enjoy the wedding but the details you shared about the OW, well...some people just have no tact do they...or they have such a confident inflated self esteem that they just barge right in there...in any event, you probably appeared gracious, elegant and mature and again good for you....I just hope when my time comes I can do the same.
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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But it sounds like you did a wonderful job. Just a question though...was there any thought of going over some items with the STBX prior to the ceremony/reception? Such as exactly who is to be in the receiving line and not to be there? Personally, the girlfriend has no place there and the wedding coordinator could have handled that by letting them know in advance, and then steering GF away as they assembled. Also, a note in advance to the DJ or whoever was doing the "announcements" to do introductions by name and relationship...such as Helen's parents John and Mary Smith, and Bob's parents Linda Jones and Brad Jones...thus no acknowledgement of the GF and since she was not identified, she likely wouldn't have stood up. Plus the wedding coordinator should go over that bit as well. Just a tip for those of us with children's weddings in our future.
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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Hey Karen! I am so glad to hear that everything went fairly smooth and yours son's wedding was so beautiful! I am so proud that you were able to take the high road the way you did...you are a classy lady and STBX and OW are trash. The stuff she pulled! GEEZ! But you handled it with grace and class and made your son's day...good for you!
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Thanks Kim.... I did make it thru and have many wonderful memories. What I do feel bad about is that when my son and d-i-l had left, my first thought was one of relief, of being glad it was over. That seems so wrong in a way, but given some of the circumstances, I don't feel guilt over my thought, just bad that it was that way.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Thanks Annie... I agree on the lack of tact part. Bottom line though, is that my son and d-i-l agreed to the reception line arrangement. That seems insensitive to me. My son went from not wanting her there because he would be embarassed to have his dad there with his OW while we are are still married to each other, to agreeing to OW being in the reception line. Even worse, he did not advise me of this ahead of time, I simply found it out at the rehearsal. That is what hurts, I can overlook the tackiness of it, and even their decision, but I am having trouble with son, and d-i-l for the matter, not being considerate and kind enough to at least warn me prior to the rehearsal. It was their day and all their choice, and I really did not ask for anything, and perhaps that is my mistake. However neither of them seemed very open to my questions or whatever, and my son wants to hear nothing of the divorce related issues or the affect it has on me.
So I guess I really do understand why I was glad it was over.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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TGSM, thanks. I always feel better when I take the high road and I do hope my son noticed. I did say hello to stbx and OW at the dinner after the rehearsal, even complimented her on the table decorations she had done, and mentioned how nice it was that they had used some of my deceased m-i-l's sea shells. The dinner was paid for my stbx so I had nothing to do with that. I paid for the honeymoon to Cancun. Bet you can guess which of the two was about 4 times more costly!
At the wedding however, I did not acknowledge either of them. After the reception line arrangements, I was just not up to it, and figured I had made the first move in speaking at the prior and only 2 functions we were all at and wanted to see if that would be reciprocated, it was not.
I did hear some comments from others there, about what a short leash OW keeps stbx on. Guess there might be a trust issue going on there. They also would be gone from the reception hall, and not on the outdoor pavillion for long stretches of time, and for several times. My guess is sneaking off to her van for a drink, as there was not alcohol at the wedding and stbx does have an alcohol abuse problem.
Somehow the entire evening before and the wedding seems to be upsetting me more now than it did at the time. My typical delayed reaction nature kicking in I guess. Then I go and look at the dig photos I have from the wedding and that is a real mood lifter!
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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TGSM
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/06/05
Posts: 5843
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Oh I think you will be hit with memories and certainly having a delayed reaction is totally normal. In such a highly tense situation, the letdown of energy and emotions will be intense.
I know for weeks after my SD's wedding, DH and I talked about things that happened, etc. Just keep talking it out and don't let it get to you too much. You made it through! ((HUGS))
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Faith-a f*rm belief in something for which there is no proof...complete trust.~Merriam Webster
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Stbx and I not in communication, divorce in progress is not amicable. On june 14 we signed the final agreement papers, as did our attorneys and the magistrate, then just waiting for the hearing, was supposed to be tomorrow, making it final. One week ago I found out that he had fired his attorney and gotten new one, saying his attorney was inept. Imagine that is the only way to get out of what he signed? His 2 issues had already been decided by the magistrate at the first pre settlement hearing, then enforced to his attorney at the second pre settlement hearing. Can't imagine she is going to be too happy to have to do so again with a new attorney. My attorney is asking the magistrate to order stbx to pay my attorney fees from this point on, but only after she has a feel for how the magistrate feels.
In June the stbx and i spoke regarding listing the house for sale and at that time I told him there would be no divorce related, or any problems, at our sons wedding on my end. He said he told our son the same and that he would do whatever our son wanted.
The DJ only announced the bride and groom at the reception. It was during the wedding that the minister asked her parents to stand, asked if they accepted my son as part of their family, then the same of stbx and I.. He asked for Mr and Mrs R to stand, not Mr and Mrs R and Mr R's OW!! The kids were facing each other, they may not even have seen this, but I have a feeling a few of my family members may tell them.
When the wedding planning started, the kids were pretty adamant with me that it was their day and do as they planned. I feel that is how it should be. I don't know who they discussed it with... they had a coordinator for the reception and possibly same one for wedding as in the same place.
The mother of the groom often has little input on the wedding plans. The mother of the bride does and I heard from my son that there was some unplesantness between mother and daughter during the planning stages. I did make the 2 hr tip there in the spring, they wanted to show me where they wanted the rehearsal dinner. They decided on the place and i somehow made them mad when I answered my stbx ? on the place and cost... he sent his questions to me via certified mail. So it ended up he paid for the dinner (500.00) and I paid for the honeymoon ( about 2700.00) Real big of him wasn't it? Thus my only contribution was writing a check. OW did the table decorating at the rehearsal dinner.
Bottom line is the kids allowed all of this to happen and did not even have the courtesy to tell me ahead of time. That sure hurts and angers me. I had thought I would say nothing of this. But is that fair to myself?
i agree that it all could have been handled so much more tactfully, but unfortunately I was neither consulted nor advised. It all makes me wish I had listened to the girls at work and hired an escort for the weekend. Even has me questioning my faith, I am still married and live my life accordingly, stbx is still married and has had OW since before he left. I would have thought that would have entitled me to better treatment at the wedding.
In the midst of a huge pity party and cant' seem to get out of it. Any suggestions, anyone?
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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