Nikita
recently joined
Reged: 04/26/07
Posts: 2
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My daughter is 11. Enough said, right? HaHa. In the past 6 months or so I have had to discipline and dish out consequences for her behaviour, mostly due to irresponsibility. Well, yesterday I asked her father to sit down with her and I to discuss her behaviour and the importance of being responsible. Not too much to ask since we have had many a meeting of this sort with her and our son. This time was different. My ex has always been a softy when it comes to the kids and I have always been the disciplinarian but we always made it work. This time, in his best whiney voice (talking over me and not letting me finish a sentence)and shaking the proverbial finger, he softly pleaded for her to do better in the future. No explanation, nothing. Just a "Do better, ok?"
Ready for the kicker? After our meeting I dropped her off at church with the understanding that she had a ride home (my home, as she lives with me). I explained to her that she needs to call me if she does not have a ride. So, 9:30 comes and goes and I call the mom who was to bring her home. She says she dropped daughter off at HER DAD'S. Yea, our little meeting about responsibility paid off. NOT! I turned on my cellphone and low and behold there is a voicemail saying, "Daddy said I can spend the night with him" end of message. First of all she knows to call me at home not my cell because I turn it off when I am at home AND she is supposed to always try two numbers to reach me, Home then cell or work then cell. Also, her dad did not bother to call me and tell me she was staying the night with him.
So, I call her dad's house and she answers. I discuss with her the decision she made without properly notifying me and she starts to cry. I then remember to ask her about a test she was supposed to take, find out she did not take it and proceed to give her the responsibility speech again. All this time she is blubbering and the phone dies. Call dad's cellphone to finish conversation. Dad answers and I ask to speak with daughter. Dad says, "Yea, but she is really upset right now." Daughter gets on the phone and I ask her if she is upset because of what she has done or because I am upset with her. Her reply, in front of her dad, "I am crying because you are yelling at me." Oh dear, if I were yelling at her both neighborhoods would have heard it.
So here is where we are. I am concerned that she is going to, at the prodding of her dad and his girlfriend, ask to live with her dad. Her dad is a good dad but does not have the sterness (really a word?) to keep her in check. He is always coming to her rescue when she does not get her way at my house. To an 11 y/o girl this is heaven.
At this point I don't know if I just needed to get that out or if I should really be concerned. In less than a year she will be old enough to make that decision. I don't want to keep her from her dad but he does not lay down the law like she needs and she is obviously not disciplined enough to make good decisions.
My questions - if she decides to ask me if she can live with her dad is it worth the fight to keep her in my home or just let her go see if the grass is greener on the other side? I am seriously concerned due to the lack of discipline at her dad's house.
There is more but I have droned long enough. Thanks for reading.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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First of all she doesn't get to make that decision in a year. A child can not decide who to live with until they are 18. Your x would have to take you to court and depending on the judge he may ask her WHY she wantsto live with dad and her saying "Mom wants me to make responsible decisions." isn't going to cut it.
Maybe you should work sometihng out with your x and let her live there for a set amount of time. (Until the end of the school year maybe?) Back off and let him handle all the day to day responsibility such as getting her to do her homework. Or work out a 50/50 parenting schedule. One week with you, one with him. It's a lot easier to be a softy when you only have your kids a short amount of time. If he hasn't had a chance to do the actual parenting then he hasn't had the chance to be stern with her.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Nikita
recently joined
Reged: 04/26/07
Posts: 2
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I thought about the 50/50 after my rant.
What I failed to mention is the fiance. My X and I had a great working relationship for 5 years and since he became engaged our relationship has dwindled. We used to call eachother about everything concerning the kids and now he won't even talk to me unless absolutely necessary. When I asked him about it he said his fiance is very jealous and is uncomfortable with our relationship. I offered for all of us to go out for coffee and discuss this but it does not look like that is going to happen.
My fear is that his fiance is trying to control and change a situation that has worked for so long. Another fear is that my daughter is catching on to this and is willing to milk it for all she can. If this woman has the potential to be a great stepmom fine but I have a feeling she pipes in with suggestions that influence my daughter and make her think the way my house is run is wrong. From things my daughter has said I believe this is happening.
I don't want a confrontation, I don't want to be the controlling x wife. I do want my x and I to be able to raise our kids for the next 7 years as we have for the last 5.
Anyway, if the subject of living with dad comes up I am first going to tell x that daughter and I need to come to terms and work things out. We need to come to an understanding of one another and how things are going to work in our house. If all else fails then 2 weeks here and 2 weeks there might work. I don't want to do a week because he will not get the jist of how our daughter operates in just a week. He needs to see what it takes to get her to two basketball practices a week, church on weds, make sure school work is done and checked and all individual tests are taken. He also needs to see what it is like to try and keep her at home for family time when all she wants to do is hang out with her friends, talk on the phone, play on the computer and ignore everyone else.
He also does not see how she plays him and how she thinks she plays me. If she just sheds a tear daddy is there to wipe it away and forget that she did anything wrong.
There is a reason he did not fight for custody of her and I think he lost sight of that.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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My understanding is that when a child turns 13, they have input into where they live, but they dont make the decision. And, do you really want to let her go, knowing everything you have worked for is going to go down the drain? I wouldnt, but that is just me.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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changes
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/07/07
Posts: 1820
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Quote:
First of all she doesn't get to make that decision in a year. A child can not decide who to live with until they are 18.
Actually in GA the child can make that decision at age 14....unless the parent is consider unfit.
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If I agreed with you then we'd both be wrong.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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Good point. I went with the law of averages and assumed the poster was in one of the other49 states. I could be mistaken.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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