lifegoeson
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Reged: 12/27/06
Posts: 415
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My baby girl, who is 11 and in 5th grade, just asked me when she can have a boyfriend. Says a boy in her class " asked her out". What does that mean in the fifth grade? How do I answer this? I told her I would talk to her Dad and we would have an answer by the end of the weekend. If I say no, I know she will come back with " why not?" My favorite answer for that is, " I don't answer 'WHY' questions, that's what my mother used to say to me. Then she will ask "then when can I have a boyfriend?" I know this because we just recently went thru the why can't I wear make-up issue. So I am asking opinions and how to go about answering this. My only child and I know it's just going to get harder, so I'm glad to have any input. Thanks.
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Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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My son asked me the same question at the end of 8th grade. When asked "when he could have a girlfriend," I asked him what he wanted one for. That threw him a bit  .
When he pushed the issue, I told him he could have one when he got out of law school provided his grades had been good. We compromised from there...
9th grade...group dates with an adult present.
10th grade...group dates no adult present (no place with beds ).
11th grade...one on one with curfew, weekends only, grades maintained.
12th grade...same as 11th.
So far so good.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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Hmmmm. Hard to say. My 9yo was engaged in kindergarten. It lasted 2 years and they broke up because he moved across town and started a new school.  ).
My soon to be 13 yo has a diferent bf every week. What this means in 7th grade is he calls my house and while they are on the phone she spends her time yelling at her sisters to go away, and telling him to tell his siblings to do the same. I've never heard an actual conversation between them. They pass notes in the hall and his friends pull her hair and slap her sunburn at lunch because if HE likes her then there must be something good about her.
My 11 yo is very shy and doesn't talk about boys (she doesn't want Miss (almost) 13 teasing her.)
I think my point is I wouldn't be too worried. All that it will probably amount to is them telling their friends they "like" each other. Then 2 weeks from now they will both "like" someone else.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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DS12 asked me to help him convince a girl's mom that they should be "allowed" to date..
I had a real heart-to-heart w/ him. He has such a full life.. He is 12yrs old and is carrying 9th grade AP courses. He is involved w/clubs. He has his dad eow and one midweek dinner; therapy, rel.ed., etc.. We don't fit it all in now. How are we going to handle him being in dreamland over a girl??
I told him my misgivings. And said that I would rather he not like girls yet...
He point out that it is too late to re-write that page of history... And he was right...
I did befriend the girl's mom. We have all become very close. They are cute together.. They are learning about the other gender. They sit and talk together. They ride bikes. We have dinner over at each other's houses...
When I was in junior high, we hung out as a group. But most of DS12's friends are still at the pulling the girl's ponytails to show that they like them stage and the girls are at the giggly stage. So, while they both have a large group of friends, none of the others are ready for co-ed..
Overall, the last 6mths has been fine. There are "rules". They are chaperoned by their 10yr brothers.
I still wish he had stayed my little boy a little longer but it wasn't up to me. They would have hung out together whether I approved or not..
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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My son thought I was so over the top with the double dating, and no single dates until he was in 11th grade (He had a big crush on this one girl at camp). He comes home one day and tells me that he has given up on her. Seems HER parents won't let her date until SHE is 16! He is finding out that there are quite a few of us who feel the same way...:)
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Apparently, in 5th grade it means that they "claim" each other as bf/gf. That's about it.
In Jr. High (at least around here), it evolves to note passing, IMing and maybe some phone calls. It also means that you (might) stand/sit next to each other at public events. You may even arrange to be at the same place around the same time with your parents...like the drive-in or a baseball game....where you would stand/sit next to each other. 8th grade does seem to lead to public hand-holding, and maybe some kissing.
Keep in mind, of course, that there are always exceptions to the "norms." Some kids may be sexually active at 12 years old, while others could still care less at 18 years old.
My daughter had her first boyfriend this year....7th grade. It lasted for about 3 months. Honestly, I think he was interested in things she wasn't ready for, so she broke up with him. There have been some crushes since then, but nothing major, MAJOR.
It's great that she came to you about this issue. I would just ask her what having a boyfriend means to her....and see where her head is. I'd do whatever I could to keep those communication lines open, though.
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lifegoeson
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Reged: 12/27/06
Posts: 415
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Thanks everyone for the great advice. Rebecca, I will ask her what it means to her, that is a good question. My girl is the quiet shy type, but once she is comfortable with someone, she turns into mini-me, and ya can't get her to be quiet.
I think whats happening is that, like the make-up issue, other girls are getting into this and they talk about it and now my girl may be feeling left-out. She is also the tom-boy type. I asked her why she can't just be friends with the boy and she gave me the " Oh, mother," look. Last fall, my ex's SO told me that a boy left a message on the machine stating, " This is L's, boyfriend, tell her I called. " Ex's SO thought it was cute n funny, I told Ex and his SO, NO boys, not cute. About a week later at open house at the school, I see this kid and his mom in the class, I asked the kid, stern look on my face, " Are you the kid who left the message on the answering machine?" He says with this cute smile, real cute nice kid, " Yes" and flashes me these eyes like he is soo charming. He was. I say... " Well, L isn't allowed to have a boyfriend." Kids mom looks surprised, kids face turns red and L gives me a dirty look. Next day she says" Thanks mom, he broke up with me, you scared him away." I said get used to it baby girl.
I'm thinking in the 5th grade, they can't possibly ever be alone together. Plus, L won't even kiss me or her Dad on the lips, so will she actually kiss a boy? I would hope not. I wouldn't have to go thru this, well at least not this soon, if all other parents would not allow their kids to do this. I don't want L to feel left-out , but I don't even want her thinking this way yet. Sh8t, here comes puberty. I am lucky that she does talk to me about mostly everything. Have encouraged that since she could talk. In fact, we are not allowed to keep secrets, but we can keep a surprise.
Any Dads out there have any advice on this? I have one day to decide.
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Stand up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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I think you are making too much of it personally. In 4th grade there was a boy who called my D a lot. One day I got a call from his mom "yelling" at me that they were too young to be talking on the phone. After I told her to take her meds I told her to tell her son to lose my phone number then because HE was the one doing the calling. I think the bigger deal that's made out of it the worse it will be. I'm not quite sure how you can blame OTHER parents for you not wanting your D to have a bf. IT's your right as a parent just as it's the other parents right to not make a big deal out of it.
I talk to my kids about everything. I know where they are all the time. None of them are ever in a place alone where they could do something that is not age appropriate so if my D wants to say that the kid who pulls her hair in the hall is her bf it doesn't really bother me.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Ummmm....I don't like kissing my parents on the lips, either....but I sure like it with my spouse. I don't really think the two things are comparable.
You can't stop the tide....but you can do your very best to teach them how to navigate the waters. I'd suggest doing it with the least amount of public humiliation possible, though. This is one of those issues that kids quickly learn to hide from unaccepting and/or negative parents.
I do what I can to respect my daughter's choices, set down boundaries for her to work within, and keep a close watch on how she's doing. So far....so good.
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changes
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/07/07
Posts: 1820
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Quote:
Plus, L won't even kiss me or her Dad on the lips, so will she actually kiss a boy?
Interestng theory. I've never kissed my mom or dad on the lips...and I'm 40 and married. Never stopped me from kissing a girl. No urge to kiss a boy.
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If I agreed with you then we'd both be wrong.
Edited by changes (04/29/07 12:30 PM)
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