gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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Okay, I sit here at work, emotionally drained, and running on automatic, with about 3 hours sleep over the last two days.
Apparently, our oldest daughter (I will call her "C"), whom I have never been able to bond with (she simply does not want anyone in her life but her mother), told her friend that I have choked her (demonstrated with both hands around her neck), grabbed her arms leaving bruises on her, and beat her with a belt so hard I left bruises all over her backside and legs.
Of course (and without ANY blame from me, she should have), the friend ran to her mother and told her. Her mother is a friend of my wife. Mother called my wife. We took the child to the family therapist.
Before I go any further, let me say that NONE of what she has said is true. As a matter of fact, she is almost 16, and I haven't "spanked" her in WELL over a year. At that age, non physical pumishments work much better.
So, she speaks with the counselor, and he comes down and talks to us. What he heard and his suggestion? Well, she is very angry at the wife and I, mostly because we won't let her do what she wants, and make her do chores. Okay, that is not a shock. She doesn't want to live at our house anymore. Again, not a shock, what teenager DOESN'T want that?
Now the shocker. He said she hinted to him that she lied about the abuse, but would continue it, and get even worse if we did not give her what she wanted.
Okay, I flipped (not in her presence). We are being blackmailed by a 16 year old.
His suggestion, move her out of the house ASAP. My first response was to pretty much indicate that he could go sexually gratify himself. But the more he explained it, the more it looks like we have no other choice. We talked about WHERE to send her. Her desire is to go live with the friend who she told this stuff too, and apparently, her mother has agreed. I explained that there was NO WAY that I was going to allow her to go have an extended sleep over with a friend as an answer to her false allegations.
We decided that the only place she could live was with my mother, in the back of our property.
As I calmed down, the wife and I began the preporations for her relocation, and began to see the up side. Perhaps after a few weeks with my mother (I love her, but I wouldn't want to live there), our house won't seem so bad.
We told her to go pack, and called the rest of the kids into the room. She came back in, with her new travel bag, which we told her to empty, as it was OUR bag, and handed her a handful of walmart bags. I took her cell back.
We told the kids what was happening, that C was moving out. I have to be honest, it was the only bright spot of the evening. At first, they were VERY angry at the wife an I. Accused us of "throwing away" one of the kids. They jumped to C's side at once. C got the most HATEFUL smile on her face, watching her siblings turn on their parents. (For the record, I understand that this girl has SEVERE issues, and this is a TEMPORARY solution, until we can solve the true problem) Of course, with her there, we explained the reasons:
-C claimed I hit her and bruised her. Then tried to get one of the other girls to verify that she SAW the bruise on her hip. To which the other girl said, "I talked to {whoever} at school, you fell off the bleachers!"
-C claimed that she was the only one that ever had to do anything in the house. At this point, the "crowd" turned on her. I have to laugh, cause the grin VANISHED. See, she is VERY involved at school, and is rarely AT the house. I don't hold that against her, she is 16, and has a lot going on. But BECAUSE of that, I catch a lot of flack from the OTHER kids, because since she is not there, she DOESN'T have as many chores as the other kids, and we are more lenient if one of her activities interferes with it getting done.
-C claimed that she gets nothing, while everyone else gets what they want. At that claim, I think I saw one of them building an effigy to burn. She is the ONLY kid that has a cell phone, she is taking drivers ed, she has her OWN desk in the older girls room, that is SACROCINCT. If anyone TOUCHES it, she freaks out.
So, that is where we sit. We have cut her off completely. If she doesn't want a family, she doesn't have to have one. She got 7 outfits, her purse (minus the cell), and her toiletries, and left.
I hope this is short term, but am scared enough about her accusations, and willingness to lie, that I have to do what is needed to protect the other kids.
Well, ladies and guys, tear it up. Support is appreciated, criticism is welcome as well.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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MommyAlisha
old hand
Reged: 02/22/07
Posts: 931
Loc: Wesy Virginia
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I think what you did is great. You didn't allow her to go to a friends, you have her with your mom close by. You didn't just throw her away, your teaching her a lesson. Hopefully she learns.
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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If she doesn't want anyone in her life but her mother, then why doesn't she go live with her?
I pretty sure THAT would put an end to all this silliness...
Is a condition of moving out that she has to have individual therapy? Family therapy?
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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gr8Dad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30199
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...sorry, I don't usually think like that, so it gets confusing. Her mother is my wife, and she is nice to snuggle with, so she can't move out.
If it WAS my ex we were talking about, and my BD, she still couldn't go, because Mom has a no overnight clause in the order.
Sorry, yes, she is attending therapy (has another appointment Tuesday). Am I the only one that thinks therapy is PAINSTAKINGLY slow? Don't you just say, "For CHrist sake, give her a pill, and lets get this crap over with..."
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
Edited by gr8Dad (05/04/07 06:23 AM)
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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And the therapy? I would think that would have to be a condition.. no matter who she is living with.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Actually, gr8dad, even though I dont agree with some of what you post, I probably would have done similar in the same situation. Teens are hard, especially ones with pasts like hers. It is temporary, most likely she will see how good she had it after the "fun" wears off of getting her way. I think you did good not letting her go to her friend's house. That would have been like a reward for lying. Hope you figure things out.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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ouch - that is a mighty accusation but it could have developed into worse.....hmmmm seems to me that she really has benefits that the other kids do not have at the moment but maybe she "resents" (for lack of better word) their intrusion in the household.....
as long as Grandma is diligent and sets tough boundaries for her too and continue with therapy maybe you will get somewhere.
I agree with stripping her of of basically everything extra.
I also agree with making the family meeting and explaining everything the way you did or else a lot of untruths would have been on her side.
good luck with a happy pill taking care of this girl's issues. a lot more involved with this problem than has come out from her yet I think.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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No criticism here. As a matter of fact I may build a shrine to you and your wife on this one. It's my theory that in every home with more than 2 children there is a Prima Dona among the group and they need to be thwarted at the first chance.
Bringing the entire crew to the farewell was a stroke of genius. She's probably lucky she wasn't burned at the stake.
Seriously though, what COULD you do? Wait until there were allegations of sexual abuse? It would have probably helped that she already told the therapist that she planned to keep going but still the stress over it, isn't worth taking the chance.
I have a 12yo who hates living with me and keeps saying she's leaving. It's not an option to live with her father and she wants to live with my mother. If things keep up she may be going to live with my x's parents for about a month. That would make home seem not so bad.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Grace
addict
Reged: 08/19/04
Posts: 404
Loc: KY
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I think you did the only thing you could have at the time. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
These types of false accusations can destroy families. . . I've seen it happen,
You have to protect yourself & help your daughter at the same time. . . quite a balancing act.
Best Wishes, Gr8dad.
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Dyslexic agnostics don't believe in Dog.
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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No criticism here either. Sounds like you did the best you could do, came up with the best solution possible, under VERY difficult circumstances. I can't even imagine a kid making that stuff up... good grief.
Yes, therapy can be very painstakingly slow. And, sometimes, there just isn't a happy pill that makes someone better.. or if there IS, it can sometimes take quite a few tries to get the right one/right dosage (I'm the child of a manic depressive who has been on every form of uppers/uppers-downers combos since probably I was age 10 or so and the other parent has been in therapy for probably 20 years or so now, which I think has been totally worthless for the most part, she became a gambling addict WHILE in therapy so how effective was THAT? However, since the source of her emotional issues are now dead, she seems to be in a much better place).
I've tried therapy on and off myself over the years and during certain life situations. Unfortunately, like you, I'm kinda go in with the attitude of "duhhhh, I already KNOW what my {issues} are, now please FIX them!!!".
I really do wish you the best of luck and hope that perhaps a dose of "tough love" will do her some good :)
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