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gr8Dad
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An absolute nightmare day...
      #230431 - 05/04/07 03:29 AM

Okay, I sit here at work, emotionally drained, and running on automatic, with about 3 hours sleep over the last two days.

Apparently, our oldest daughter (I will call her "C"), whom I have never been able to bond with (she simply does not want anyone in her life but her mother), told her friend that I have choked her (demonstrated with both hands around her neck), grabbed her arms leaving bruises on her, and beat her with a belt so hard I left bruises all over her backside and legs.

Of course (and without ANY blame from me, she should have), the friend ran to her mother and told her. Her mother is a friend of my wife. Mother called my wife. We took the child to the family therapist.

Before I go any further, let me say that NONE of what she has said is true. As a matter of fact, she is almost 16, and I haven't "spanked" her in WELL over a year. At that age, non physical pumishments work much better.

So, she speaks with the counselor, and he comes down and talks to us. What he heard and his suggestion? Well, she is very angry at the wife and I, mostly because we won't let her do what she wants, and make her do chores. Okay, that is not a shock. She doesn't want to live at our house anymore. Again, not a shock, what teenager DOESN'T want that?

Now the shocker. He said she hinted to him that she lied about the abuse, but would continue it, and get even worse if we did not give her what she wanted.

Okay, I flipped (not in her presence). We are being blackmailed by a 16 year old.

His suggestion, move her out of the house ASAP. My first response was to pretty much indicate that he could go sexually gratify himself. But the more he explained it, the more it looks like we have no other choice. We talked about WHERE to send her. Her desire is to go live with the friend who she told this stuff too, and apparently, her mother has agreed. I explained that there was NO WAY that I was going to allow her to go have an extended sleep over with a friend as an answer to her false allegations.

We decided that the only place she could live was with my mother, in the back of our property.

As I calmed down, the wife and I began the preporations for her relocation, and began to see the up side. Perhaps after a few weeks with my mother (I love her, but I wouldn't want to live there), our house won't seem so bad.

We told her to go pack, and called the rest of the kids into the room. She came back in, with her new travel bag, which we told her to empty, as it was OUR bag, and handed her a handful of walmart bags. I took her cell back.

We told the kids what was happening, that C was moving out. I have to be honest, it was the only bright spot of the evening. At first, they were VERY angry at the wife an I. Accused us of "throwing away" one of the kids. They jumped to C's side at once. C got the most HATEFUL smile on her face, watching her siblings turn on their parents. (For the record, I understand that this girl has SEVERE issues, and this is a TEMPORARY solution, until we can solve the true problem) Of course, with her there, we explained the reasons:

-C claimed I hit her and bruised her. Then tried to get one of the other girls to verify that she SAW the bruise on her hip. To which the other girl said, "I talked to {whoever} at school, you fell off the bleachers!"

-C claimed that she was the only one that ever had to do anything in the house. At this point, the "crowd" turned on her. I have to laugh, cause the grin VANISHED. See, she is VERY involved at school, and is rarely AT the house. I don't hold that against her, she is 16, and has a lot going on. But BECAUSE of that, I catch a lot of flack from the OTHER kids, because since she is not there, she DOESN'T have as many chores as the other kids, and we are more lenient if one of her activities interferes with it getting done.

-C claimed that she gets nothing, while everyone else gets what they want. At that claim, I think I saw one of them building an effigy to burn. She is the ONLY kid that has a cell phone, she is taking drivers ed, she has her OWN desk in the older girls room, that is SACROCINCT. If anyone TOUCHES it, she freaks out.

So, that is where we sit. We have cut her off completely. If she doesn't want a family, she doesn't have to have one. She got 7 outfits, her purse (minus the cell), and her toiletries, and left.

I hope this is short term, but am scared enough about her accusations, and willingness to lie, that I have to do what is needed to protect the other kids.

Well, ladies and guys, tear it up. Support is appreciated, criticism is welcome as well.

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MommyAlisha
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230437 - 05/04/07 06:00 AM

I think what you did is great. You didn't allow her to go to a friends, you have her with your mom close by. You didn't just throw her away, your teaching her a lesson. Hopefully she learns.

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rocketgirl
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230442 - 05/04/07 06:17 AM

If she doesn't want anyone in her life but her mother, then why doesn't she go live with her?

I pretty sure THAT would put an end to all this silliness...

Is a condition of moving out that she has to have individual therapy? Family therapy?

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gr8Dad
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It is my stepdaughter... [Re: rocketgirl]
      #230444 - 05/04/07 06:22 AM

...sorry, I don't usually think like that, so it gets confusing. Her mother is my wife, and she is nice to snuggle with, so she can't move out.

If it WAS my ex we were talking about, and my BD, she still couldn't go, because Mom has a no overnight clause in the order.

Sorry, yes, she is attending therapy (has another appointment Tuesday). Am I the only one that thinks therapy is PAINSTAKINGLY slow? Don't you just say, "For CHrist sake, give her a pill, and lets get this crap over with..."

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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...

Edited by gr8Dad (05/04/07 06:23 AM)


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rocketgirl
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Re: It is my stepdaughter... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230446 - 05/04/07 06:23 AM

And the therapy? I would think that would have to be a condition.. no matter who she is living with.

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BeckaLeigh
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230461 - 05/04/07 07:16 AM

Actually, gr8dad, even though I dont agree with some of what you post, I probably would have done similar in the same situation. Teens are hard, especially ones with pasts like hers. It is temporary, most likely she will see how good she had it after the "fun" wears off of getting her way. I think you did good not letting her go to her friend's house. That would have been like a reward for lying. Hope you figure things out.

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matart1
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230463 - 05/04/07 07:27 AM

ouch - that is a mighty accusation but it could have developed into worse.....hmmmm seems to me that she really has benefits that the other kids do not have at the moment but maybe she "resents" (for lack of better word) their intrusion in the household.....
as long as Grandma is diligent and sets tough boundaries for her too and continue with therapy maybe you will get somewhere.
I agree with stripping her of of basically everything extra.
I also agree with making the family meeting and explaining everything the way you did or else a lot of untruths would have been on her side.

good luck with a happy pill taking care of this girl's issues. a lot more involved with this problem than has come out from her yet I think.

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Debi
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230466 - 05/04/07 07:46 AM

No criticism here. As a matter of fact I may build a shrine to you and your wife on this one. It's my theory that in every home with more than 2 children there is a Prima Dona among the group and they need to be thwarted at the first chance.

Bringing the entire crew to the farewell was a stroke of genius. She's probably lucky she wasn't burned at the stake.

Seriously though, what COULD you do? Wait until there were allegations of sexual abuse? It would have probably helped that she already told the therapist that she planned to keep going but still the stress over it, isn't worth taking the chance.

I have a 12yo who hates living with me and keeps saying she's leaving. It's not an option to live with her father and she wants to live with my mother. If things keep up she may be going to live with my x's parents for about a month. That would make home seem not so bad.

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Grace
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230472 - 05/04/07 08:15 AM

I think you did the only thing you could have at the time. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
These types of false accusations can destroy families. . . I've seen it happen,
You have to protect yourself & help your daughter at the same time. . . quite a balancing act.

Best Wishes, Gr8dad.

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preemiemom
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Debi]
      #230475 - 05/04/07 08:23 AM

No criticism here either. Sounds like you did the best you could do, came up with the best solution possible, under VERY difficult circumstances. I can't even imagine a kid making that stuff up... good grief.

Yes, therapy can be very painstakingly slow. And, sometimes, there just isn't a happy pill that makes someone better.. or if there IS, it can sometimes take quite a few tries to get the right one/right dosage (I'm the child of a manic depressive who has been on every form of uppers/uppers-downers combos since probably I was age 10 or so and the other parent has been in therapy for probably 20 years or so now, which I think has been totally worthless for the most part, she became a gambling addict WHILE in therapy so how effective was THAT? However, since the source of her emotional issues are now dead, she seems to be in a much better place).

I've tried therapy on and off myself over the years and during certain life situations. Unfortunately, like you, I'm kinda go in with the attitude of "duhhhh, I already KNOW what my {issues} are, now please FIX them!!!".

I really do wish you the best of luck and hope that perhaps a dose of "tough love" will do her some good :)


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PhoenixRising
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Ugggh… teenagers… [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230476 - 05/04/07 08:25 AM

How do you save teenagers from themselves?

I don’t know that there is an answer..
I strongly believe in therapy.

It isn’t the instant “happy pill” that you are looking for but it helps them sort out their emotional impulses and looooooong term hopefully helps them become emotionally stable productive citizens of society..

I converse a lot with my kids. We talk about good choices vs. poor ones. We talked about VTech. We talk about “want-to’s” vs. “have-to’s”. Long-term goals vs. short-term. The value of a good work ethic to forward those goals…

Then they go see their father, whose poor choices look like SO much fun.

I was a stupid teenager once. Luckily, God protects fools and little children from themselves. When I re-emerged into the rational world at 20yrs old or so; my upbringing and everything that my parents tried to tell me, suddenly made sense.

My mom would have gladly drowned me when I was 16 and I would have deserved it. 35yrs later, we have a close relationship.

You might end up testing a myriad of short-term solutions that will get you through the next two years. Do everything you can to get her to that high school diploma.

After that, you might have to let her go and let her make some dumb mistakes before she will figure out what she wants to be in life.


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Avaya
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230479 - 05/04/07 08:31 AM

[quote]
She came back in, with her new travel bag, which we told her to empty, as it was OUR bag, and handed her a handful of walmart bags. I took her cell back.[/quote]

If it had to be done, THAT was the BEST thing about the whole situation. Letting her see that if she doesn't want her family, she will have to provide for herself. Good job.

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leegirl
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230482 - 05/04/07 08:37 AM

Oh goodness, being a parent is a tough job and you handled this one as best as any good parent could.

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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.


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Susanf31
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: leegirl]
      #230495 - 05/04/07 08:55 AM

I think having her go live with your mom for a while is a good idea.

But something caught my eye. You said that she's 16 and you haven't spanked in over "a year."

Does that mean that you spanked a 14 or 15 year old girl?

If so, that's just WRONG.

No stepfather should be spanking a girl well into her teens!

I think there's a lot of family dynamics going on here and you aren't seeing your part in it.

Edited by Susanf31 (05/04/07 09:10 AM)


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nrvouswrk
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Susanf31]
      #230525 - 05/04/07 09:59 AM

Good job Gr8dad. It is never to early to learn that you should always be careful for what you wish for in case you get it.

You gave her what she asked for. My guess it won't be long before she will start missing life with her family. How is your mother on this whole thing? Will she over indulge the girl, and give her everything you took away?

Now that she isn't there, maybe you should reassign her desk to another kid. That would drive the point home a bit..


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elliesmom
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: nrvouswrk]
      #230565 - 05/04/07 11:16 AM

I think that was the best choice in the circumstances.

Dh has been taking SD to therapy for well over a year; it is a painstaking process. In all honestly - we didn't see any improvement until she was referred to a psychiatrist and she prescribed medication. The medication has made the therapy that much more effective. Maybe start talking about what hte underlying problem is? Yes she is angry, but WHY? What is going on that she either isn't telling or doesn't understand enough to vocalize? For all their angst - teens are not terribly insightful about themselves and may not understand they have a problem until they are presented with the facts.

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Debbie_L
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: elliesmom]
      #230573 - 05/04/07 11:40 AM

Good luck to all of you. I know how hard the teenage years can be. Some seem to just sail through it, while others will drive you crazy. Hopefully someone is able to get to the root of her problems.

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BB1
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230578 - 05/04/07 11:45 AM

If I had done that to my parents, the allegations of abuse would have become a reality because my mom would have kicked my butt as soon as we got home from therapy!

My sister did similar stuff though. She ran away and told her boyfriends parents my parents kicked her out...they wouldn't let her eat and so much horse poop. The worst part is the bf's parents believed her. She was a nightmare to my parents when she was a teenager. Now-a-days, you don't have much choice than to throw in the towel else you will likely end up in family court trying to defend yourself.

My daughter tried the "I'm going tell the police you hit me" - Hmph...I said here's the phone psycho. Call them so they can send you away because you're the crazy one, not me. She never made the call because I think she was truly afraid she would have to go live with her dad and I wouldn't accept her back at my house. Thank God she's out of that phase!

So sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully she'll out grow it soon. Every family has one I suppose. You know, I don't really know if there is a right or wrong way to handle stuff like this. We just do the best we can and pray for a good outcome.

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Miranda
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230581 - 05/04/07 11:47 AM

I don't know that I would have let her move out. It is a tough call and I also know that she is a liability to you and the rest of the family. Do you think this is fair to YOUR mom?

Letting her lie and get what she wants reinforces sociopathic behavior. She will be conditioned to do it in the future. Hopefully the therapist will help her, before she enters adulthood.

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Gecko
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230619 - 05/04/07 12:29 PM

Now the shocker. He said she hinted to him that she lied about the abuse, but would continue it, and get even worse if we did not give her what she wanted. Okay, I flipped (not in her presence). We are being blackmailed by a 16 year old.

---> And therein lies one of the greatest problems in our society...that our children have THAT much power. Like just about everything else...we go from trying to do something right, to going to extremes. I remember back in the mid-80s...a friend of mine's son want to go to the park with his friend, Mom said "no", that he needed to clean his room and then we (all) were going to the park for a picnic as planned. Well...that wasn't want HE wanted, so he told his Mom that if she didn't let him go NOW...he was going to call CPS and say that she hit him and she would go to jail. My friend was in shock...I looked at the kid and said "Fine...call CPS...but AFTER you clean your room. Then when they take you away with nothing but the clothes on your back and put you in a foster home where you can share a room with a bunch of other boys, we'll be at the park having a great time. And oh...by the way...you make that call and there is NO going back."

---> Sadly, you did what you had to do and the best you could under the circumstances. I would get it IN WRITING from the therapist that she admitted that she lied about the abuse and that she will continue to do so to get "her way".

---> Also...if things don't work out with your mom and she's still a little b*tch...then give her a choice...home with a family that loves her or the JUVENILE SYSTEM.

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PhoenixRising
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: BB1]
      #230626 - 05/04/07 12:49 PM

"If I had done that to my parents, the allegations of abuse would have become a reality because my mom would have kicked my butt as soon as we got home from therapy!"

I NEVER thought of it from that POV. You are so right. My dad would have buried me 6ft under and I would never have seen the light of day again..

Ahhh, wishing for the "good ole days"...


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Debbie_L
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #230632 - 05/04/07 01:06 PM

Luckily my daughter wouldn't ever dream of such an accusation (she's 14), but if she did I would just laugh right in her face and call her bluff. If living with me was so terrible, we'd see how well she could do on her own, lol.

Some teenagers are a real handful (and obviously this girl has other issues). I don't wish it on anyone!

A friend of my Mom's always says "The aliens get them at that age. They usually return sometime in their 20's."


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Gecko
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Susanf31]
      #230660 - 05/04/07 01:46 PM

But something caught my eye. You said that she's 16 and you haven't spanked in over "a year." No stepfather should be spanking a girl well into her teens!

---> Are you sure something wasn't IN it because he said "she is almost 16". So that would have made her 14 the last time and that is NOT "well into her teens". Hell..youngest daughter WAS 16 when I laid my hand on her ass in a corrective manner...but one hard swatt was all it took to straighten out her attitude.

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Debbie_L
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #230666 - 05/04/07 01:57 PM

My daughter is 14 and I cannot imagine laying a hand on her at this point for correction. I did spank when she was little (she wasn't a kid that required it much anyways). My mom stopped spanking me probably by about 11 or 12 at the latest. There is no real right or wrong way I guess as long as they turn out in the end, but for me at this age I wouldn't spank her.

Luckily for me my daughter is basically a good kid with a desire to please me. She can get a bit testy (hormonal) and cheeky at times, but she's at least not doing any of the stuff I was into at that age, lol.


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Gecko
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Debbie_L]
      #230671 - 05/04/07 02:07 PM

This will probably freak out people like Susan, but I remember the day my oldest nephew challenged his father's authority thinking he was too old, too big and so they squared off in the back yard...BIL left son lying on the ground (nothing was broken).

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KrazyKat
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230710 - 05/04/07 02:54 PM

You did the absolute right thing...

We tell our kids when they start acting up, "the only thing that belongs to you is your undergarments. Some things we just can't sell when you go" LOL

Makes them start thinking about what they have....

One time DD said she wanted to go live with BF, said OK pack your bag. She got suitcase out (and like you) we took it away and said, "Walmart bag" and only basic necessities that fit. LOL

After 15 mins she changed her mind and decided to stay.. LOL

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KiwiGirl
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230723 - 05/04/07 03:11 PM

You did right.

She is with her grandmother near your home. She will see life will go on without her and everyone will not be mourning her for too long.

You know the story about my daughter. She has not come home but who knows? But I know she was very upset when she wanted to visit us and it was not convenient. She also is not happy we are going camping this weekend to Kansas City and Worlds of Fun (with YSS scout group). She is slowly learning that life goes on.

As for the accusations, you did the right thing and turly inspired. Making her face her siblings while you told them what she told the therapist will certainly thin the ranks of her potential allies.

Hopefully grandma's TV is stuck on c-span. Good luck. I hope it has a more poisitve outcome than my daughters life to date.

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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem


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Susanf31
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Debbie_L]
      #230725 - 05/04/07 03:11 PM

I don't know...

We have a guy saying he "spanked" his approx. 14 year old STEPdaughter. AND he would give them a gynecological examination himself (as teenaged girls), before he'd take them to a doctor for genital issues.

He's put that in writing.

I don't believe EITHER is appropriate STEPFATHER behavior.


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Spring
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230756 - 05/04/07 03:34 PM

No critisizm from me either...I hope this move is short lived and she straightens up quick. I rather like the way you handled it.

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M5M5
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #230775 - 05/04/07 03:46 PM

Isn't susan the one that said she would slap the heck out of her daughters if they mouthed off to her or something? Aren't they teens? Thought so.

My dad slapped the hell out of me (and not just once) when I was 17 for mouthing off and cursing him. I deserved alot more than what I got!


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agui667
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230799 - 05/04/07 04:09 PM

I agree that gr8dad and his wife made the right decision. But something is not adding up here. First we have a step-father who has admitted to whacking his kids across the face for disciplinary reasons. What did he think his step daughter was going to do? Usually when kids are sick of tired of getting hit, they retaliate... I’m not saying that gr8dad tried to choke her, but I do think that she has had an enough of this freeken boot camp lifestyle. And for the record, if my DH ever even thought about raising a hand to my kids he would be GONE! And he has been their dad since they were 3 and 4 years old….

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M5M5
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: agui667]
      #230801 - 05/04/07 04:12 PM

My DH spanks my son. I gave him permission to do such if warranted....even though I have never/will never lay a hand on my stepkids. Situations are different. My son's only father figure is my DH..his BF is not apart of his life. My skids have a mother that is part of their lives. Therefore, my place is to NOT use corporal punishment on them.

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agui667
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230807 - 05/04/07 04:22 PM

I'm not going to debate the spanking issue..But Gr8dad goes way over the line when it comes to spanking...karma is a bitoh..Just wonder how long it will take for the other kids will follow suit..

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: agui667]
      #230822 - 05/04/07 04:48 PM

Usually when kids are sick of tired of getting hit, they retaliate...

---> You're making it sound like he whales on his kids every day. Teenagers today will "retaliate" if you look at them cross-eyed or accuse you of "nagging" if you ask how their day was.

I’m not saying that gr8dad tried to choke her, but I do think that she has had an enough of this freeken boot camp lifestyle.

---> First of all, what's wrong with having strict rules? There are a lot of things that ya'll (speaking generally) allow your children do/have that I wouldn't allow my kids to do/have...but that's a difference in parenting styles. I don't think that kids should have cell phones or televisions in their room or be allowed to stay up until 10pm. I know that our children wouldn't be or have gotten into the trouble/messes they have had their father been more strict (NOT making this a gender issue).

---> Second...REGARDLESS of his "boot camp", it's bullshyt that a CHILD can get away with BLACKMAILING their PARENT...that we as parents are HELPLESS against our children.

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Susanf31
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230823 - 05/04/07 04:49 PM

Isn't susan the one that said she would slap the heck out of her daughters if they mouthed off to her or something? Aren't they teens? Thought so.

My dad slapped the hell out of me (and not just once) when I was 17 for mouthing off and cursing him. I deserved alot more than what I got!

++++++++++

LOL

"slapped the heck out of them"...no I never said that. One swift, meaningful slap...yes, I would do that.

That is not a "spanking." My kids, at 15 and 12, are too old to spank. Also, no man in my family would be doing genital examinations on my TEENAGE daughter's genitals before going to the Dr.

I dno't think Gr8dad sees his role in what is going on with his SD. We've all seen his short fuse and penchant for anger. He seems only interested in protecting himself at this point.

If I were in the same shoes, I'd have the therapist put her threats in writing and then tell her to go ahead and make any threats she wants...then she can go find out what the real world is like as she begins her trek through foster homes and Juv. hall.


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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: agui667]
      #230827 - 05/04/07 05:05 PM

I've never read anything telling how he "goes out of line". I agree with his parenting styles when it comes to corporal punishments/rules/ect.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #230828 - 05/04/07 05:05 PM

VERY well said, Gecko!

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Susanf31]
      #230829 - 05/04/07 05:09 PM

A slap is a slap is a slap...it's still corporal punishment. There is no difference, IMO, between a slap and a spank. Same damn thing.

I also think you are blowing the whole "genital examination thing" WAY out of proportion. I don't think he has a bed with stirrups on it, nor does he have the instruments used in giving an examination. I believe, and I could be wrong, that when his daughter was complaining about it hurting "down there", he glanced at it to see if it was inflammed or some such thing.


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Susanf31
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230831 - 05/04/07 05:13 PM

I believe, and I could be wrong, that when his daughter was complaining about it hurting "down there", he glanced at it to see if it was inflammed or some such thing.
++++++

On a teenaged STEPdaughter, that is entirely inappropriate. Especially when he has a wife, her mother, to do it.


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Rebecca5
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Susanf31]
      #230834 - 05/04/07 05:21 PM

The child in question was 9 years old, I believe....and not his step-daughter, but the daughter of his ex-wife and her previous partner.

Slap on the butt....slap on the face....what's the difference? Not enough drama?


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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Susanf31]
      #230835 - 05/04/07 05:24 PM

One swift, meaningful slap...yes, I would do that. That is not a "spanking." My kids, at 15 and 12, are too old to spank.

---> Oh yeah, I can see how slapping your child in the face is SOOOOOOOOOOO much "better", than a quick pop on the butt. As for considering YOUR 12YO "too old"...that is YOUR parental choice.

Also, no man in my family would be doing genital examinations on my TEENAGE daughter's genitals before going to the Dr.

---> Man...talk about exaggeration. Get your facts straight...oh that's right...you can't...otherwise you couldn't slam him.

I dno't think Gr8dad sees his role in what is going on with his SD.

---> No...I think the problem is that YOU can't see. Ray's daughter is just that...HIS daughter and she will NEVER be more than that anymore than Ray will be nothing more than their mother's husband. In GDaddy's FAMILY...there is NO "yours" and "mine"...it's all "ours".

We've all seen his short fuse and penchant for anger.

---> Hell girl...you piss me off too, doesn't mean I'm beating on the hubby, kids and cat when I'm "offline"!

He seems only interested in protecting himself at this point.

---> First of all...he would be STUPID not to. Even if CPS determines "unfounded", it still doesn't change the fact that a family will go through hell in the meantimes!

---> Second...he could have just let her go live with her friend like she wanted and washed his hands of her...after all...she's not his REAL daughter, but instead he look for a solution that was HER best interests. As for the "show" before the siblings...ABSOLUTELY necessary. What daughter was doing was WRONG...remember, she has BLACKMAILED her parents...she's not a "hero", she's not a "victim"...she was being held accountable for her actions before her peers.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #230839 - 05/04/07 05:35 PM

It is sad that everytime GR8Dad has an issue with his kids, someone brings up that bit about him examining his child.

Wasn't he a medic in the military for goodness sake? I had to help bathe my 11 year old son when he broke his arm.
Does that make me a pervert too?

Edited by nrvouswrk (05/04/07 05:37 PM)


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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Rebecca5]
      #230840 - 05/04/07 05:37 PM

Thanks Rebecca...I couldn't remember her age, but I knew she was pretty young.

I remember how several woman b*tched that it was SOOOOOOO inappropriate for a FATHER to look at his daugther's privates...that it was actually BETTER if he had just grabbed some strange female off the streets to look. Pretty freaking sad.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: nrvouswrk]
      #230844 - 05/04/07 05:38 PM

It is sad that everytime GR8Dad has an issue with his kids, someone brings up that bit about him examining his child.

---> Of course...can't be feeling sorry for him ya know.

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agui667
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #230857 - 05/04/07 06:09 PM

I agree that a parent should never be black mailed by a child, ever! I just think that gr8dad may have bullied her one too many times...and this is just my opinion.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Susanf31]
      #230859 - 05/04/07 06:11 PM

Ok, I thought the daughter he did that to was his BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER! Please show me a post stating otherwise. And if mom and biodad isn't around, I see nothing wrong with it so long as the daughter is comfy with it.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230862 - 05/04/07 06:13 PM

gr8dad examining his step daughter is sooooo wrong on so many different levels..Arrrg don't get me started!

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #230863 - 05/04/07 06:16 PM

OMG...susan is making an issue over a 9 yr old girl...my God...

I also seem to recall that she (and others) always throw this up in gr8dad's face everytime they don't agree with him. Disgusting.


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M5M5
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: agui667]
      #230865 - 05/04/07 06:21 PM

Why is that so wrong???? She was 9 yrs old...HE is her father figure (the ONLY one in her life...hell she calls him dad), he LOOKED at it (was NOT an examination with stirrups). There is NOTHING wrong with that. Are you saying that if my SS had a major cut or something on his winky...and mom and dad were not around...I should not look at it to see if it warrants a trip to the ER or if he could take care of it at home with some ointment? Mind you this actually happened when my SS was 8 yrs old.

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agui667
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230870 - 05/04/07 06:26 PM

A stepdad looking at his young step daughters vagina creeps me out....And I doubt she was too comfortable with it at all...BTW, when did gr8dad come into these kids lives?

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M5M5
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: agui667]
      #230890 - 05/04/07 06:45 PM

How do you know that she was uncomfortable? For your info..the daughter he looked at...he has been there from BIRTH. He is her DAD. Maybe not biologically, but that doesn't mean much these days. At 9 yrs old, I didn't care if my dad saw my privates...hell I used to run around the house with my shirt off half the time..trying to be like my brothers. And my dad gave me baths when I was a child. I supposed that would creep you out too, huh?

Different strokes for different folks I guess. Just becuase it creeps you out, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it.


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elliesmom
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: agui667]
      #230894 - 05/04/07 06:50 PM

gr8dad I believe adopted the child in question so referring to her as his stepdaughter is inappropriate. He is her father. That his sperm didn't do the swimming is hardly relevant. And looking at YOUR CHILD's genitals is not inappropriate when assessing a medical situation. It is wise to do so so you as a parent can assess whether it is nothing, warrants a trip to the doctor when you can get in, or warrants an immediate trip to the ER. It is just plain good parenting. That he happens to be a parent of the opposite sex is irrelevant. If the child came to him to tell him she had a problem with her privates - clearly she wanted him to do something about it and wasn't all that embarrassed. That speaks volumes as to the relationship - more so than any ridiculous paranoid presumptions of the people here.

And as a woman - I would do the same with my son if he came to me with a problem and I hope to god if I died tomorrow my husband would do the same with our daughter should a problem arise. To do otherwise teaches your children that their genitals are something unnatural and to be feared. Or that her father is someone who can't be trusted to simply take a look and see if everything is ok. THAT is disgusting.

Dear god - I am so tired of hearing about this stupid incident.

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Rebecca5
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: elliesmom]
      #230897 - 05/04/07 06:55 PM

"Dear god - I am so tired of hearing about this stupid incident."

Would you tell God that I'm tired of hearing about it, too? Especially since the criticism doesn't go both ways.


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agui667
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230913 - 05/04/07 07:24 PM

Look M5, there is no reason for you to jump all over me for MY opinion..I didn't know the relationship between these two, hense my question..Thanks for clearing it up.

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jil_stevens
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #230917 - 05/04/07 07:37 PM

Yes, I have whacked my 14 yr old son's backside...it is very effective.

Anyway, Gr8dad, I think you did good. You let her know you weren't going to tolerate her behavior and that her actions would cost her more than anyone else. Additionally, she didn't just want to move out, I don't think, she wanted to go live with her friend, which you didn't allow. If I were in your shoes, I would have found the worse possible place for her to stay that was safe so that she would be miserable. I hope your mom gives her a ton of chores and not a lot of free time at all!! After all, the ability to participate in extracurriculars is based on a family helping each other out, which she obviously doesn't want!!


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M5M5
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: agui667]
      #230920 - 05/04/07 07:43 PM

I didn't mean to jump all over you...sorry if you took it that way. I just don't understand how it can be considered creepy

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katiefedup
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230933 - 05/04/07 07:56 PM

I think she meant it was "creepy" in that, Gr8dad, prior to that incident told that board that he secretly watched her take a shower to make sure she knew how to clean herself. When I was 9, third or fourth grade, I would not be comfortable with my father inspecting me. Personally, if my 4th grade step son said he had a problem, I would ofer him some "ointment" and tell him if it didn't get better we would go to the doctor in the morning. Anywhoo, CPS will get involved now because the therapist is a mandated reporter. It wasn't too long ago that CPS paid the wife a visit for striking a child.

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Renee
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230938 - 05/04/07 08:05 PM

For my 2 cents I think you did the only thing you could do; allowing a 16yo to run your house would be ridiculous. Hopefully Miss Thang will wake up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her BEFORE she drives your mom crazy.

If there is one good thing about this right at this moment, its that the younger ones just figured out what *not* to do to get their way.

Hope things turnaround for you and the family soon.


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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: katiefedup]
      #230945 - 05/04/07 08:15 PM

Katie, he did NOT "secretly" watch her shower! Get your facts straight! WHEN will you and others STOP bringing this crap up...and exaggerating it no less...it's been, what? 4 years since he posted that!

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katiefedup
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230958 - 05/04/07 08:21 PM

it doesn't matter how long ago it was. That is what he posted. And, the child's mother agreed that her daughter could go stay at her friend's house but gr8dad refused to let that happen and sent her to HIS mother's house instead. So, gr8dad's wife was undermined in all of this. CPS is going to show up at all of the kids school soon. It will probably blow over. But the threapist only hinted that the daughter may be making this up. CPS goes to to the schools first. This isn't the first time CPS has been involved since they have married. He says that he never bonded with this child, yet goes on to say he hasn't spanked her in well over a year. If gr8dad was never able to form a solid relationship with her, he should have never been physically handling her.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #230959 - 05/04/07 08:22 PM

I think you did the best thing for your family. I've seen incidents where SD's lied and said dad abused them ...did it for SPITE because she wasn't getting her way. It almost destroyed a family before the teenager came to her senses. She'll admit she lied and just now realizes what those lies could have done.

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M5M5
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: katiefedup]
      #230964 - 05/04/07 08:26 PM

He never used the word "secretly" that I recall. Now...I could be wrong....have been before. But I dont' remember him saying he "secretly watched" her shower. I think he checked up on her to see that she was getting evertying washed....like I STILL hvae to do with my kids (son is 9 yrs old).

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katiefedup
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: M5M5]
      #230972 - 05/04/07 08:33 PM

ok, maybe not secretly, but it was through the door without the daughters knowledge.

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katiefedup
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: katiefedup]
      #230984 - 05/04/07 08:45 PM

this child has been through a lot. She has a mother who will not discuss who her birth father is, and step dad that she is not close to who hits her. Good lord, they have only been married maybe 3 or 4 years. A step father can not step in and start spanking a 12 year old. I remarried when my daughter was 12. I could never imagine my husband spanking her. I said a few weeks ago that all of this hitting was going to bite him on the azz!

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: katiefedup]
      #230997 - 05/04/07 09:00 PM

gr8dad, sorry about this mess. Teenagers are basically, a pain in the butt and it goes down hill from there.

DD tried that one with us once, she didn't want to live here - wanted to live with grandma and grandpa. I said fine, pack your stuff. I actually, went upstairs and got a suitcase.

Then, I said, no, we bought your stuff for you, you can go live with grandma and grandpa exactly that same way we got you - naked! She changed her mind and decided things weren't that bad.


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katiefedup
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Buckeye]
      #231007 - 05/04/07 09:08 PM

I agree the child had to leave the house. Since the threapist is a mandated reporter it is no suprise that the therapist said that she or gr8dad had to leave pending the law enforcement investigation. Gr8dad never said that he was asked to leave, but my hunch is that it was told that one of them had to leave. I am still curious how all the bruises got there. The younger sister said that she fell off the bleachers, yet the 16 year old decided to use the accident to turn against gr8dad. Makes one think about what is really going on in that house.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Rebecca5]
      #231056 - 05/04/07 09:51 PM

Amen. That incident way back when has nothing to do with his situation today, and I bet it gets brought up here more than it does in his own home.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: katiefedup]
      #231072 - 05/04/07 10:08 PM

And, the child's mother agreed that her daughter could go stay at her friend's house but gr8dad refused to let that happen and sent her to HIS mother's house instead.

---> Katie...need to go back and check your facts. It was the FRIEND'S mother who said it was ok if D16 moved in with her, NOT GDaddy's ex-wife (she has extremely limited "visitation" because she physically abused their children). Also GDaddy's mom has a home on their property...so it's not like he has just abitrairily sent her "away"...his wife and the therapist were in agreement.

---> I know that you don't like GDaddy and dispite my friendship with him, I'd nail his ass to the wall if he was wrong...ya'll don't have to dis him for trying to do right.

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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #231075 - 05/04/07 10:11 PM

That's a tough one. I know other parents who have gone through times like this - these false accusations from a teen who wanted her freedom.

I think you did the right thing. Tough though.

One thing I can say from knowing someone who worked with children in a social service agency - once it's known that a child will lie about something like that, everything she says from that point on is taken with a grain of salt. These agencies aren't blind to the fact that some children have problems - and that some of their stories are fabricated for their own perceived gain.

Hang in there and don't let her intimidate you.


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katiefedup
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #231076 - 05/04/07 10:12 PM

no the daughter's mother, gr8dad's wife, agreed to let HER daughter go stay with her friend and also gr8daddys wife's friend. Please reread the post. It isn't even his bio child

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gr8Dad
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Miranda]
      #231154 - 05/05/07 12:54 AM

"I don't know that I would have let her move out. It is a tough call and I also know that she is a liability to you and the rest of the family. Do you think this is fair to YOUR mom?

Letting her lie and get what she wants reinforces sociopathic behavior. She will be conditioned to do it in the future. Hopefully the therapist will help her, before she enters adulthood."

I have to be honest, that was my first response. That if, in the future, she wants something, we are teaching her that she can get it by blackmail. But I also see the point of the therapist, that if she makes the "sexual" accusation, I will not be able to do anything from jail. It is difficult all around. I have another issue, regarding how protective my wife is about her, I will post it above.

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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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gr8Dad
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Gecko]
      #231155 - 05/05/07 12:58 AM

"This will probably freak out people like Susan, but I remember the day my oldest nephew challenged his father's authority thinking he was too old, too big and so they squared off in the back yard...BIL left son lying on the ground (nothing was broken)."

I have no doubt that day will come, with each of my boys. I challenged MY father's authority (step father, at that). Raised my hand to him, he threw me through the bathrrom door, walked away, came back, threw the toolbox at me and told me to rehang the door.

Fortunately, my wife's father was the same way with his sons, and she agrees. Basically, we are nothing but social mammals, and a family is nothing but a "pack", and the males of a "pack" will challenge the alpha male. The only real difference is that this alpha male won't actually KILL them, LOL.

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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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gr8Dad
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Yeah, "freeken boot camp lifestyle"... [Re: agui667]
      #231156 - 05/05/07 01:01 AM

Tell me where THAT boot camp is, I wanns live there. She gets MORE priveldges than the rest of the kids, pretty much comes and goes as she pleases, has a cell phone, her own desk, is involved in many extra curriculars, has a reduced list of household chores, BECAUSE of her after school stuff...must be a tough life for ANYONE to bear. Lets see, she spent spring break in New Mexico, a four day weekend in San Antonio a few months ago.

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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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gr8Dad
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And lets not let the FACTS get in the way, huh? [Re: Susanf31]
      #231157 - 05/05/07 01:07 AM

She was NINE. NOT a "teenager" NINE. Second, her mother WASN'T there. I was raising them ALONE, since CPS had taken the child FROM her mother. I didn't do an EXAM, I LOOKED at her vagina. She ASKED me too.

As for being my stepdaughter, yes, TECHNICALLY, she was and IS my stepdaughter. But I was there, in the OR, the day she was born, MY name is on the birth certificate as her father, and until her mother tried to hurt me by telling her, I had NO intention of EVER telling her different.

But I guess you MUST be right, cause you keep repeating it, I should have taken our daughter BACK to the woman who BEAT her black and blue, and asked HER to look at her pee pee, cause we ALL know that psychologically, she is SCARRED from this incident. It showed Thursday when we were shopping, together, for her 8th grade fromal gown, and she wouldn't PICK a gown until DAD was okay with it.

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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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gr8Dad
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I will clarify... [Re: katiefedup]
      #231160 - 05/05/07 01:36 AM

I wrote this:

"Her desire is to go live with the friend who she told this stuff too, and apparently, her mother has agreed."

Having reread it, I can see where it could be confusing. The FRIEND'S mother agreed to let her stay there. MY wife, C's mother, is with me that THAT is NOT going to happen.

Actually, I was sort of against sending her to my mother's house, as I was afraid that she would make some sort of allegation there. But the wife and I have decided that this is the best option.

I am sorry it was confusing.

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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...


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Buckeye
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Re: I will clarify... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #231174 - 05/05/07 07:04 AM

Sorry your family is going thru this gr8dad. The next choice could be juvenile detention. It is called "2020" here because that is part of the address. I am sure that would be a whole lot less desirable than your home or your mother's home.

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Gecko
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: katiefedup]
      #231330 - 05/05/07 06:41 PM

no the daughter's mother, gr8dad's wife, agreed to let HER daughter go stay with her friend and also gr8daddys wife's friend. Please reread the post.

---> As GDaddy clarified...unless you want to argue...it WAS the FRIEND'S mother.

It isn't even his bio child

---> And your point is what...that he's not allowed to be involved, that he's not allowed to care?

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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!


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jimmie
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Re: I will clarify... [Re: Buckeye]
      #231339 - 05/05/07 06:55 PM

Buckeye,

"2020"! We live in the same town!


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Runswithscissors
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: gr8Dad]
      #231407 - 05/05/07 10:15 PM

Is this the second child of yours to claim abuse? I remember a situation a few years back where the police was called.... said you hit her.... (I thought that was your daughter with your ex wife).

So, we have two kids to claim you have abused them......... or is this the same child that has now claimed twice that you abused her?



Edited by Runswithscissors (05/05/07 10:23 PM)


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Buckeye
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Re: I will clarify... [Re: jimmie]
      #231525 - 05/06/07 07:04 AM

East side or west side?

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jimmie
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Re: I will clarify... [Re: Buckeye]
      #231532 - 05/06/07 07:19 AM

Please? (lol)

East side!!! I was going to ask you the same thing!

Edited by jimmie (05/06/07 07:35 AM)


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wahoo
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Re: An absolute nightmare day... [Re: Rebecca5]
      #235803 - 05/16/07 11:31 AM

GR8DAD,

It was recommended to me this morning that I look at some of your posts, because of what I posted today. Help's me in some small way to know that I am not the only BD/SD that is dealing with this.

I will take some time over the next couple day's, away from work and with time to look, and review the other postings. Thanks for being willing to share your experiances.


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