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Reged: 05/08/07
Posts: 5
Giving up
      #232805 - 05/08/07 06:42 PM

Well, it's been 5 years since I moved out, 2 and change since the divorce. She's getting remarried in the summer - and I'm happy for her, I really am.

I've dated seriously a couple of times over the intervening 5 years since I left. But I simply could not form a lasting bond with anyone. I just can't seem to let anyone get that close to me again.

It's not that there were issues that I blamed my ex for during the divorce...and we get along pretty well now. But the process of the divorce - the loss of someone who had been my best friend for 15 years...that took it's toll on me. I guess my subconcious will never let me get in that position again.

And it's not just romantic relationships...even friends have dropped away as I have withdrawn and I make "friendly acquaintances" now - never real friends. I also find that I am now someone who will not ever give someone a second chance to hurt me. A couple of friends have said some hurtful things to me over the past few years and I just cut them out of my life immediately. I figure that, at my age - I don't have time for people who don't have my best interest at heart.

The only trust in love I have is reserved for my children.

So my social circle is shrinking, I live alone (except for when I have the kids) and I am living the nightmare I had as a young man - becoming an old, lonely and bitter man. I see it happening and yet it's as inexorable as the tide coming in. I can't see things changing in the future and despite keeping up a happy appearance at work and to the public - what I really long for is the day my youngest graduates from college so I can put the shotgun under my chin and finally end this miserable half-life.

Boy - after re-reading that - it's probably a really good thing that I'm not trying to date anymore! I mean - who wants to listen to THAT!?

Anyway...I know this is "New Relationships" and all - but it's sort of on-topic in that I wonder if there's anyone else who can't seem to re-connect to people.

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Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Re: Giving up [Re: Hwynym]
      #232855 - 05/08/07 08:21 PM

Start getting out of the house. Do you go to a church? Go out and have coffee. Plan to take yourself out and do something special. Go out for dinner. Make time for yourself.

I am in this process right now.

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Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
Re: Giving up [Re: 1004SRS]
      #233154 - 05/09/07 01:01 PM

Lots of churches have single's classes, and even if your church doesn't have one, contact another church in the area and see if they do. Often times they'll have social activities together outside of the Sunday School class. Dinner together, movies, weekends at the lake, retreats, etc. It's a great way to just meet people. Who said you have to date? Just make a lot of new GOOD friends who will be there for you when you're feeling down. They can be a great support system!

Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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Reged: 05/08/07
Posts: 5
Re: Giving up [Re: Avaya]
      #234302 - 05/12/07 08:10 AM

Ah - no churches for this ex-Catholic! Organized religion holds no attraction for me at all. I've been finding any sort of social gathering feels contrived and all that happens is that I "put on my happy face". It seems like a polite thing to do, but it's really just a way to keep people at bay and never let them near the "real" me.

I was up late last night watching an Eddie Murphy performance from 1987 and I have to say - I agree with most of what he said then. Too bad neither he nor I heeded those words! 1987 was the year I got married. We had good years together, but look where it's led.

Even if I DO manage to find my way out of this crap and form a relationship again, I can say with absolute certainty that there is absolutely NO incentive for me to ever get married again.

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Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
Re: Giving up [Re: Hwynym]
      #234307 - 05/12/07 09:05 AM

It sounds like you are in a deep state of depression - especially if you are talking about a gun under the chin. You should get some professional help/support as soon as possible. If the only love you have left in you is for your children, please consider what suicide would do to them and the rest of their lives. This is something that they may never be able to recover from, and I'm sure you wouldn't want that on your shoulders.

It sounds like you are at least aware of what you're experiencing - that you'r pushing people away and cutting them off after a disagreement. Turn that insight and knowledge around and really inspect where it comes from. Break it down and ask yourself the tough questions, like, what would it mean for me to reconcile with a person who wronged me?

I really hope you are able to reach out and get some help. Trust again; have some kind of faith (whatever faith means to you); think about your children; do the right things.

Good Luck!

Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.

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Reged: 05/08/07
Posts: 5
Re: Giving up [Re: CiCi]
      #234413 - 05/12/07 06:44 PM

Oh, don't worry about the suicide thing - it's not imminent. As I said, it would have to be after the youngest had graduated college - after the job of raising them all is done. That's at least 12 years away...

The thing about cutting people off - it isn't just after a disagreement. I mean it's not like I never speak again to someone who thinks I could probably lose a little weight...

No - that happens when someone I thought I knew does something that's so obviously designed to be hurtful and doesn't feel any need to apologize or even state that they weren't out to hurt. Frankly - I don't think it's wrong - at this stage in my life - to be rid of people who will do that. Could I try to reconcile with them? Sure. Is it worth the time and energy? I don't think so. So I just drop all contact - which is something that I probably wouldn't have done when I was younger.

As for the trust - well, see - I HAVE done a lot of thinking about that, and it just doesn't seem to be in me for anyone but my kids. Sometimes that pains me...but other times, I get used to being alone a lot and when someone intrudes on that solitude, I find myself resenting it...I'm well on my way to being a hermit!

Except, of course - the hermits of old didn't have the internet, did they?

That reminds me of something I saw recently:

"The original bloggers were monks of the medieval era. They created long tracts and tomes of writing that survive to this very day. Like their modern-day counterparts, they also had weird haircuts, dressed strangely and did not get laid very often..."

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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
Re: Giving up [Re: Hwynym]
      #245572 - 06/05/07 11:12 AM

I think your situation is probably pretty common when in a divorce one of you gets into a serious relationship and now moves into the marriage position, you finally come to the reality that this person, for better or worse, is truely gone. There is always that issue of can you maintain a friendly relationship with her, her new husband and your kids together, especially when birthdays and holidays occur. Some people can do it, I personally can't because you can cut the air of Bullshit in the room with dental floss there is so much of it. Even my kids (grown boys in their 20's) don't want any joint events anymore and choose to just drop by their mothers house, and then leave because it's very uncomfortable.(their decision)

It's a very stressful time and I know you must be experiencing alot of emotions that you just have to gut your way through. Good luck.

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recently joined

Reged: 08/27/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Illinois
Re: Giving up [Re: Hwynym]
      #281358 - 08/27/07 12:39 PM

You need counseling. I am dealing with almost the same situation with my Partner's STBX (after 5 yrs). We believe she is depressed and it is affecting the children tremendously. She has gained about 40 lbs(?) and is miserable. We both want her to go on with her life, be happy, be fair with the children, and find some peace in her heart. She has to find it herself though. No one can do it for her or You. [color:blue] [/color]

"Find yourself and you find Happiness."

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