redinga
recently joined
Reged: 05/30/07
Posts: 1
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I'm so glad I found this forum and hope someone can help me sort this all out. I've been married for 8 years and have 2 young children. In a miserable marriage and don't know how much longer I can stick it out. My only reason for staying this long is b/c I am SO scared I will lose custody of my kids. I quit working when my oldest was just a few months old (worked for 2 years when he was a toddler, but have stayed home since baby #2 was born). He makes about $85K/year and the most I could hope to make is about $40K.
I just don't know where to begin. I don't know how I could support myself and my kids on $40K a year. Don't know if I'll get child support if we agree on joint custody. Don't know how much this will cost me, what steps to take, etc.
It seems all of the info out there is so scary - parents losing custody of their kids over technicalities, etc - I'd rather stay in a miserable marriage than lose my kids.
Any guidance would be much appreciated.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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It is VERY rare that a stay home parent loses custody. If anything, it generally assures that you will GET custody, if not at least joint custody. As for supporting 3 on an income of $40K, unless you live in CA or equal, there should be no reason why you can't support 3 on that. I don't believe that income for 3 even qualifies as poverty. And for CS, even with joint custody, with that large of an income disparity, your ex is almost certain to be ordered to pay some CS.
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Char Fox
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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First, I think you should find a lawyer who will give you a free consultation because you will gain a much clearer picture then of how things will work out for you. Everyone's deal is different
My experience in speaking with others in your situation is that stay at home parents are entitled to child support plus alimony - or spousal maintenance as they call it now a days. You could certainly make an argument to the judge (and again, speak with a lawyer about this) that you feel it necessary to stay home and continue to care for the young children. The judge would either approve that (in which case you'd be entitled to spousal maintenance) or order you to try to find a job. Don't forget that he will be paying child support no matter what, so if you can make 40K and he makes 85K, the judge will do their best to make incomes even so that you can feed your children and keep a roof over your heads. Don't forget that in a divorce, though, he'll need enough money to maintain a separate household, so he'll have to have enoough to live on as well.
I think as far as loosing custody, it would not be due to income factors. I've never heard of someone loosing custody of their children over money (doesn't mean it hasn't happened, but I've never run across it). If money gets tight, there are public assistance programs that you can utilize...don't be afraid to do so if necessary.
You mention your marriage is miserable...is it salveagable at all? Have you tried counseling or any other route? Divorce STINKS!!!
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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I've been married 8 years, have 3 kids (2 under 5), was a stay at home mom for 4 years. We had some issues and I told him to leave, I had no job, no money, he took the bank cards and checks etc. I found a job. We tried again to make it work, it didn't, I left in February after finding MY OWN place and took the kids with me. I'm supporting 3 kids on just under $20,000 a year. Right now I've had to resort to government assistance becuase he won't pay support but it CAN be done. I too had the same thoughts you are having, that's why I stayed so long but I finally realized I was depressed, got help and moved on. That's not saying you are but even just having a counselor or someone who is completely unbiased to talk things through with can help a GREAT deal. That's why I like this forum. You CAN do it and if you decide it's best you WILL do it. Take solace in the fact that there ARE other people out there going through very similiar circumstances. Some may be further along than you and others not as far but we're here.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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MommyAlisha
old hand
Reged: 02/22/07
Posts: 931
Loc: Wesy Virginia
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It is possible to survive on $40K a year. You have to bring your standards down and not get so much named brand stuff. there are plenty of people that live on less then that.
We live on half of that. We have food, electric, a home,etc. My son even wore a Ecko shirt with his Reeboks to school today. Shop outlets and sales. Buy foodlion vegs instead of green giant. It's possible!
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cache
journeyman
Reged: 05/27/07
Posts: 60
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I just had to make a reply on here. I think it is very OK and even great to buy clothes at target, walmart, etc. I make 100K and am getting a divorce and realize I will not have much income afterward. The last few weeks I have been thinking about where I will shop and how will I live financially speaking. My one pair of 120 dollar nike tennis shoes were 5 years old and a christams gift from my brother, anyway - i have been jogging a lot lately as it helps unbelievably with the stress/blues of divorce and just thought my old shoes made my joints hurt and gave me blisters. I shopped around and bought the cheapest pair of running shoes for $14.00 at traget and I have gotten so many compliments on them. I also noticed that target and walmart have cool clothes, much nicer than my play clothes with paint and oil stains all over them. Now I will still have to dress up for work, but I bet I can figure that out as well. I think we waste a lot of money on designer tags. New clothes more often from the discount stores may actually make us better looking. Just a realization I have come too. I am completely weird so take my advice accordingly, but I will be shopping at target.
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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I think the last couple posts deserve a big "AMEN". LOL I agree. Even when my stbx and i were still together I was frugal. Brand name clothes are great but haven't you noticed that Faded Glory from Walmart and Route 66 from Kmart have actually started becoming "cool" clothes. I watch the clearance racks and snatch things up at awesome prices, I frequent thrift shops. (I can hear a lot of "ewwws" out there) but I see it this way. If it's made it to a thrift shop in good condition chances are it's well made and will hold up for awhile longer. It's a lot cheaper and there's nothing a little ammonia won't kill. Doing this has allowed my kids to wear things like Abercrombie, Aeropostale, Tommy Hilfiger, Ecko and other name brands and a mere fraction of the price. Noone knows where it comes from. I get my cleaners from the dollar tree, my laundry stuff from dollar general or family dollar, etc. It CAN be done, you just have to know how to manage it properly. When you are living on just under $20,000 a year and supporting yoruself and 3 kids it's a ver delicate balance of finances. Sure you sacrifice a lot on your own part and you may have to sacrifice some on the kids parts(so they don't get to go to EVERY birthday party) but in the ends it's well worth those sacrifices knowing that you made it on your own and have removed your kids as far as possible from a bad situation. Walmart is my best friend  lol Besides if someone looks down on me for where I shop then I say phooey on em, its their problem and their loss, not mine.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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Redinga....I think you get by now that you can find ways to cut back and survive if you went back to work. What I'm imagining is that your fears are not just weather or not you'll buy Wal-Mart clothes; they are just what's on the surface. I read your post as the issues you are grappling with are deeper and I just wanted to let you know that I understand. I think for a good many years, I stayed with my ex because I was afraid I couldn't handle the juggling of finances that he did so well. Turns out, I'm not so good at it....but I'm getting help with it and therefore, getting better about it.
I also read in your post that you're conflicted about your feelings for your husband. Affair or not (even though I don't condone it), it would be so great if you two could get to a counselor to see if there is anything left to salvage and to see if he can forgive you for your wrong doings....and vice/versa (I'm sure he's not without his faults).
Good luck to you!
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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You can try places like Marshall's for designer stuff for work at bargain prices. But you gotta go in prepared for a day of shopping because things are just tossed on racks in no particular order.
Now here's my take on your $14 running shoes. You may be getting complements, but running shoes are one item I will NOT sacrifice on. Your feet will thank you. I tried some Payless shoes for running...once. Now I always go with actual running shoes like New Balance or Saucony. Especially if you're going to really use them a lot. You may find you saved dollars, but sacrificed wear and tear. Those $14 shoes aren't going to hold up to the pounding as well or as long. You should actually change your running shoes about every 6 months too, but there's one expense I draw the line at. LOL I keep mine for years. Also be sure to invest in water wicking socks. They'll complement the shoes nicely.
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Char Fox
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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I get my cleaners and laundry stuff from Sam's. Otherwise, I'd be out shopping every day!  Other than that, most everything else comes from Wal*Mart. And the people looking down on you for shopping there? Don't turn around. Because they're probably standing in the Wal*Mart checkout line behind you. BWAHAHAHAHA
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Char Fox
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