bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Hi everyone. I have been wondering about this for quite some time -- for any or all of you who are interested (and the time frame of where you are in the divorce process) -- how often do you think about your divorce and its aftermath? Am very curious if everyone else is having such a difficult time clearing the mind of it. Take care, bacall
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I am still in the divorce process... we signed final settlement papers and it was to be final on July 27, one week prior to that stbx changed attorneys, now waiting to see how the court will proceed from this point.
I thus think of divorce often and probably will until it is final. As to the afermath, I think of how it has changed the future for our adult son. Although it took me months, years, to get here, I now feel the divorce is the best thing for me. Only other thing in the aftermath stage that I think about is longing to get this house sold and myself settled permanently in another.... just basic moving on I guess.
I at times have a difficult time clearing my mind of hurtful and unnecessary things that have been done and said, prior to stbx leaving and since. ANd of the unnecessary and pointless delays in the legal process of divorce that stbx has caused. I work very hard at not thinking often of the times during our marriage that were good, and there were many, many years that were good. I try not to think of the good years as when I do, I still feel a bit of pain when remembering those good times as I then miss what stbx once was. The person he is now... I want no part of his life, or his lifestyle. OW is welcome to both.
In time I will be able to forgive him, and that will be for me, not for him.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Not much. I have remarried after letting go the past. I refused to let his behaviour and bad judgement define my life.
Bacall, I think it is easier for you to think about divorce so often because you are familiar with the feelings. They are like old friends even though they make you sad. The feelings don't betray you, they don't leave any nasty surprises. But it is like being in a locked cupbaord. It is safe but the outside is so much better... if you want it.
I cannot understand why you let someone else's choices continue to affect you. It is almost as if you have lost your life and are not prepared to find it. That is incredibly sad.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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Hi Bacall, its been five years since he left the 30 yr life we had and I rarely ever think of it or him. As I have said before it takes time and of course doing things that help...counseling, self help books, hobbies, trips (remember we had lunch at Navy Pier??)...I will always love and cherish the good years and the person he was (Or should I say who I thought he was) but that person is no more and the person he is and the person I am now are totally different. We have both changed...I see that now but it took time and getting out of denial and hanging on to what was helped me. We all heal at different stages but the common denominator seems to be time passing...I have set a whole bunch of new goals, have new dreams and life is pretty good for me. You will get there Bacall, really...
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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I've been divorced for 7 years now, but when I do think about it....I always know that it was the smartest thing I've ever done.
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mlh53
member
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 110
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Hi Bacall,
It's been 4 years since the X walked for OW and 2 since we've been legally divorced. Consequently, I rarely think about it anymore, except during holidays or when I have to deal directly with the X. Or ocassionally out of the blue. The few times I do, I actually shudder sometimes. This happens when a trigger hits and I'm reminded of the cheating, the lies, or the nasty, patronizing way he treated me. Then I wonder how I put up with it for over 20 years. However, I don't let myself linger on this for long as there's really no upside to do so. Life is too short to dwell on the past or any of the negatives of our lives. It's much more productive to think positive, about the present, and plan for the future.
Melanie
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Terri1
journeyman
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 71
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My husband and I have been separated for seven months - he leaving for OW. I probably think about it a little every day but the key is how do I feel about it. Every day it gets better and I actually can laugh and enjoy myself now. When I think about whether or not I would want to go back to my prior life, there is no way. I didn't realize how his actions were hurting me. Now that I have been away from him and our marriage for these months, I realize that this is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Took me a long time to get here though. I don't know if I will ever not think about my marriage. We were married for 26 years and have two adult children. Those memories will always be a part of my life. So I will smile when I remember the good and be a little sad when I remember the bad.
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chalong
recently joined
Reged: 08/09/05
Posts: 1
Loc: Arizona
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Wow, there certainly are a lot of women who have men who left them for other women. Adultery sucks, and should be illegal, in my opinion.
My situation is so different, and I imagine less painful than most of yours.
I've known my husband for 27 years, and been married to him for 18. Our daughter is 17, and well prepared for the enivitable. I married Peter Pan. A guy that just refuses to grow up. He's sweet, and silly, and good in bed. He's never cheated with another human. That's the good news. The bad news is: He's a liar, a coward, and self-indulgent to the point of sacrificing us, for his comfort level.
I think about divorce everyday, for a good part of the day. It's not just the saddness associated with divorce, but the logistics are overwhelming. After almost 2 decades we're connected in more ways than not. Especially financially, and socially. It's terrifying to start anew at 52.
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lucky44
journeyman
Reged: 06/16/05
Posts: 60
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I've gotten through most of the first of this and first of that so the what was isn't a factor. I'm trying to build a new life.His total abandonment of our child has both financial and emotional impact on the boy which in turns effects me.It's not the letting go of the marriage where I'm stuck. It's the restructuring the hope and dreams I had for my child of which most were based on beliefs I was brought up with. All that is shot- so square one, one step. Divorce is rework.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Amen, Lucky. I hate to say it, but eight years down the road, I'm still working on that. Signed agreements have no impact on my ex (and yours, too, I notice), even when it is to the detriment of their own flesh and blood.
So while I am not dwelling on the why's of it, I do think about divorce-related events that are still occuring. The bum is out of my life, but unfortunately, he'll always be in our children's lives. And the children are such a big part of my life, that it's impossible to not get pulled into the financial havoc my ex wreaks around them.
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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Hardly at all, unless I come to a site like this. Perhaps that's why I do so very seldom anymore.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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sandflea
addict
Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 447
Loc: norfolk, Virginia
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Too much. I'm about 7 months out - finalizing in court on Oct 4th. I just had a messy attempt at starting over too early, which brought everything back to the forefront. All in all, it's hard not to think about it at times. Basically because you find you're lonely, and all your friends are couples.
When i do think about it though, I'm not angry anymore - or hurt really. My break up with my GF recently was perhaps worse than the break up with my wife! LOL. Some of this stuff has to do with dwelling in the past. It is imperitive that we all live NOW - and not put regrets on the past, or expectations on the future. My GF - who was going through her own Divo - kept comparing me to previous failed relationships. These were "red flags" in her book. Her continual comparisons with the past should have been "red flags" in mine.
If I, or you guys, or anyone can muster up the courage to LIVE NOW. To take it slow. To have faith, and humor, and grace - then honestly, the "divo think" will go away. I can get there sometimes. Especially after yoga, or a long run. Gotta believe in yourself to find the peace you crave. Gotta keep it real, and move on. passem is right, if you keep fanning the flames, it will continue to burn. But, as for me, talking it out (or typing it out) helps to keep my head straight.
I recently read Crazy Time - It tells you that it's usually a year or two before you return to more or less normalcy. I believe that. I can see my recovery progress. Some days are better than others, but now I know that when I'm down I'll be up again.. Just takes time.
- Sandflea
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Beaches, Bluegrass, Bach, Beer, Bodhisattva, Blisters, Bikes, Boats, Bhujangasana and Bayer
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