Badasp
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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So for the men and women here that have started or are dating after your divorce is final, what have you learned? I'm a guy, mid 50's and it seems the first series of questions I get are why did you get divorced, how long has it been, you know, all that talk is not interesting to me.
I don't want to know about their divorce(s), I just want to find out if there is something there I find interesting. Any experiences meeting people and beginning to date you'd like to share? Where do you go to meet them?
Edited by Badasp (06/13/07 06:38 PM)
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I understand what you are saying but if you are dating someone it might be a good idea to know a brief summary of why they got divorced, e.g., drugs, alcohol, addictions, affairs, etc...those are red flags...talking about it on and on is not good and I would be wary of someone who does that it means they have not moved forward...
What have I learned? well I am 53 yrs old, have a great job, good income and can take care of me...I do not need a man to take care of me, buy me things or support me. I have done the mom, wife, etc...this time around its for me and what I want. This time I am conscious too... I want a partner that in this relationship we complement each other, not all the time but most of the time. I dont want to deal with any BS and garbage. I try not to let things bother me as much and I guess that is because I do not think at this age we invest as much into it as we did before...I am more willing to do different things, new hobbies with dates...dancing, bowling, fishing...I have more time now too...kids are gone and I live alone so I dont have to take care of anyone so its been a very fun time for me. I date my guy on weekends and the week is my time to do what I want...perfect
As for meeting people, well...you meet them when you least expect it. Singles groups, although I tried those and they were not my style...church, maybe ...internet if you can avoid the weirdos...friends introducing you maybe...bars...well depends on the bar...pickup places no...but in smaller communities sometimes a bar is really not a bar but a social hangout place..it seems the harder you try the harder it is...just socializing with other people may help
i met the guy I am dating on a whim...i tried the internet selected him because he lived far away and was not my type, he selected me because he felt sorry for me...little did we know that we would hit it off immediately, comraderie, chemistry the whole bit...so the journey has been good.
but agree with you cut the ones lose that keep hanging on to the divorce and the saga of what happened....not healthy
we all have to move forward and heal...hard yes it is but not impossible.
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Badasp
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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How does the long distance thing work or have one of you moved?
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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the long distance thing works okay we are about 1.5 hrs apart...he comes here mostly but then during summer he has a farm to take care of..problem with his place is his 31 yr old daughter who lives with him. can't stay there.
but the distance thing is okay...we are both near retirement so when we retire we may re-evaluate that is 'IF' we are still a couple...but I am not sure I want to cohabit with someone...i need to really think about that very long and hard
My independence is very important to me
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changes
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/07/07
Posts: 1820
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They are trying to find out if you cheated, beat your wife, bad mouth her, etc. It's not for casual info....it's a casual interogation. If you aren't a evil SOB then you might get to the point of them discussng things you'll find interesting. Welcome to the world of dating women who have been divorced/abused/cheated on/etc.
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If I agreed with you then we'd both be wrong.
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Badasp
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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I guess that pretty much describes it, and I'm not one of those.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I was just thinking about posting something along these lines. Bit of history: Ex left after 30 years of marriage. That was almost 5 years ago. He had OW and they are together still, although from what I have been told, their relationship is miserable.
I have not dated and have not been looking.Like Annie said... you meet them when you least expect. I have recently reconnected via e mail with an old classmate. Actually we dated for many months back when we were in high school together. That was 42 years ago.
At times it is strange, the way things happen. A girl I was good friends with sent me an e mail via classmates. I am not a paid member and could not respond to her. SOmehow I was finally managed to get one throughto her and sent her my e mail address. She has been in touch with my male friend from so many decades ago and he wanted my e mail, she checked with me and I said fine. Then I found out he lives less that 15 minutes from me. Our hometown is 160 miles from here. He wants to do lunch and so we are going to meet one day soon.
Not a date by any means... then I think about all the stories I read about people reconnecting after 20, 30, 40 years. And that makes me think about if that is what I really want. i also like being on my own.
He could have turned into Jack the Ripper for all I know. So I can see the need of some questions. We are older and wiser now. However, I don't think a spouse beating adulterer is just going to own up to that when asked.
Badasp, you want to find if there is something there that is interesting... and they want to find if there is something there that they want to run from. Both reasonable points of view.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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I agree Karen. I'm not opposed to the questions as part of a normal conversation, in fact It goes both ways, I want to know what their story is if there is any interest in pursuing a date.
Once instance I had recently, a woman started talking to me and within 2 minutes asked me if I was still friends with my ex because men that are not friends with their ex wives, she would never date! My only come back was I feel sorry for you that your criteria for a man is based on such a narrow view and that your dating pool is going to be pretty small...
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PhoenixRising
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Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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"They are trying to find out if you cheated, beat your wife, bad mouth her, etc. It's not for casual info....it's a casual interogation."
How someone handled the divorce process tells me much about a person...
Does he say things like she is a PBFH or does he keep it mild and say "we just grew apart"..
Does he put all the blame on her or does he own up to his own mistakes..
By hearing the story however briefly, I can quickly figure out if he is totally clueless or is he plugged into reality..
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
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Badasp
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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Yea I get all that, and I always tell it like it is, both of us had responsibility in the marriage failing, she just took the cowards way out at the end by cheating and I won't hide the fact that I have no respect for her, although I forgive her.
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PhoenixRising
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Loc: New York
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"I have no respect for her, although I forgive her."
You had made this statement in another thread and I found it insightful...
I have not even tried to quantify my feelings toward my EX...
I still love him.. I am not able to turn that off like a light switch after 20yrs.. BUT I am not "in love" w/him..
I accept him as he is.. To know my EX is to know a big fat dumb rock in the middle of your path... He is not going to move and he is not going to change.. He is just "there".
I realize upon reading your story that I also have no respect for my EX, his parents, or his GF.. What they have done and how they did it; reflects on their true character.
The forgiveness part, do you really mean it?
I don't know that I can.. My religion and my God tell me to BUT... to this day, he continues to play mind games w/ DS10 and DS12, they are too young to build up defenses to his manipulative ways... I see the confusion, the hurt, and the poor choices they make because they can't tell right from wrong when he gets done w/them..
He never had much self-control to start with.. When his mid-life crisis started, it just drove him over the edge..
BUT when it comes to kids, parents should be expected to put their own needs aside and put the kids first...
He can't do that. And THAT I cannot forgive him for.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
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Badasp
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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PHX... I guess forgiveness to me means I have to stop thinking and stressing over the things that were done to me personally by my ex that were so disrespectful, hurtful, and selfcentered. She will never change, she believes what she did was for her (cheating, lying, many things towards the end when we were supposed to be either working this out or getting closure through therapy) I was where you are, could not believe this was the person I married 26 years before, but in the end, I have to have a life without her and she needed to get out of my daily thoughts, forgiving her and allowing her to be who she is (I don't like her!) has over time made it easier to move on. She moved on very quickly and has had multiple boyfriends since then, I don't think she has had the time to look back, she is busy.
I hope that makes sense.
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preemiemom
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Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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To answer your initial question...
I'm not even contemplating dating again, now.. or at any point in the foreseeable future.
Not my first time at the rodeo, to coin a phrase from a movie.
I'm pretty much an open book.. whatever anyone wants to ask, I'll answer, and I'll be honest. Some relationship failures were my fault, some were not, some were mutual.
In describing this one, I think I would limit it to "there were issues, not of the cheating/lying kind, just we went through too much in too short a period of time. Couples together 10 times as long as we were would have buckled under the strain we went through. It wasn't anyone's fault in particular.. it was life's fault".
My preference, when/if I ever date again, is to avoid anyone divorced, particularly with children.. unless they are out of the child support/visitation cycle. I have no interest in involving myself in a situation like that again, particularly not with my own child to consider now and given how young she is.
I think now I tend to view anyone as I view myself. If they're divorced, then something must be wrong with them too and I do believe that now. Something must be inherently wrong with me, I know something is inherently wrong with my stbx... I'd have a really really hard time looking at someone new without looking at them with the jaded eyes that I now view myself through.
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The best we can do is live our lives with enlightened improvisation.
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1004SRS
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Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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Well, I can say you get to a point where everyone you meet is divorced with kids. Not a big deal.
My red flag goes up when they have never been married and are in their 40's.
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changes
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/07/07
Posts: 1820
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[quote]Well, I can say you get to a point where everyone you meet is divorced with kids. Not a big deal.
[/quote]
Not everyone has kids....or the kids are older and out of the house.
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If I agreed with you then we'd both be wrong.
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1004SRS
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I date guys in the 40's generally...with kids. Perhaps it is just a preference or that is what I attract.
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Badasp
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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I agree with you CHANGES, I'm in the same age group as you, and not really up for all the issues and drama a single woman with kids under 18. Once they are gone to college or out on their own then the ex husband, babysitters, all that is less so there is time for the two of you. I tried it, too much work for so little in return.
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1004SRS
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Fortunately, I can say that while I am a single parent - there is little to no drama in my life. I have even been told that I can be kind of boring (I beg to differ on that). Perhaps because I am an older Mom. 38 with a preschooler and a toddler instead of 28 in the same situation makes a huge difference.
It is a lot of work to date, though. Scheduling can be a pain at times because I don't have the flexibility that a person without young children has.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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You need to find out from the women what the financial settlement details were from their previous relationship. They won't divulge alimony and CS figures, but you need this information. Also their cut of the Pension, 401k, etc...
Lie about everything re: your divorce...That is a good start.
Once they get on the Gravy train, watch out...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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txks1151
enthusiast
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 210
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I dare say Yregna is more bitter and jaded than me... And that takes work!
At my age, most of the single/divorced women in my age bracket (25-30) have kids, and they are generally 1-8 years old. And I personally don't feel I am ready to walk into a situation like that.
As has been discussed elsewhere, I'm not anti-single moms, but being that I am 28, divorced, no kids, but with a crazy job schedule (Military Pilot), the scheduling problems and associated things with kids is just not somethign I think I want to deal with yet.
Maybe when I am 35, and their kids are old enough to not need diapers, and me not being their father is understood easily, maybe..
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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Yes, Yregna is a mean and jaded troll . Ignore him. Life is easier.
txks have you thought about not dating for a while? No fix-ups. Nothing. You could take a few classes towards your Master's degree. I took several on-line classes. I had a craazzzyyy schedule at the time. Most of my instructors were understanding about my military commitments.
Honestly, I thought that being a 38-year old single Mom would be HUUUGE turn-off. I would pass on a guy in my situation. To my suprise - the people I have met haven't felt it to be an issue.
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txks1151
enthusiast
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 210
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The only classes I need for my Masters are lab classes.. So I have no clue how I will get them done.
Not going actively dating.. Just need to get out some.. I'm like a hermit in my RV.
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changes
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/07/07
Posts: 1820
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[quote]Maybe when I am 35, and their kids are old enough to not need diapers, and me not being their father is understood easily, maybe.. [/quote]
The time constraints are just different then. Drugs, dealing with law enforcement, running away, teens age 14 going on 24, skipping school, etc. Read some of the other posts to learn what parents/steps with teens have to deal with. It's education to say the least.
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If I agreed with you then we'd both be wrong.
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Redlegg
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If you need to get out, then get out, go where you want, do what you want. Quit worrying about the companionship (dating) issue. If you go where you want to, who knows maybe thats where you will meet someone, right now it just sounds like you are trying to check the block. Stop thinking about what you don't have, start enjoying what you do and I think you will be surprised.
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BeckaLeigh
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Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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txks, that is easy to understand. I dont see how my husband got with a ready made famliy of 4. Counting me, its 4. It isnt for everyone, so dont feel the need to apologize here. It is kind of lik eyour preference for someone who has blond versus brown hair. Or someone who has a car, but no dogs. You are entitled to be with who YOU are comfy with. Kids are ALOT of work, you know this. Much less someone else's kids. Not only that, but then usually you have their X all in your business which can break the best of relations. You seem like a decent guy, so dont settle for less than what you want.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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BeckaLeigh
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Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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PM, I felt that way to a certain degree after the X and I seperated. But, then I realized i had done my wrongs, he had done his and we just werent capable of working things out. We were both too stubborn and he wanted control over everything. We did things to each other to get the other's reaction. But, in my current, and hopefully last, marriage, it is totally different. It is like a totally different place than I have ever been. I have someone who even through the hard times, we work it out civilly. We dont yell at each other, we dont just take off, we sit and work it out. It is priceless to say the least. To have a hard day and know he is going to actually listen, and help me come up with a way to relax afterwards. To do the same for him. It is just so different, like two different worlds.
My point is if I had restricted myself, I wouldnt have that. I am glad I didnt. I tried but it didnt work, thank God.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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1004SRS
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Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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That is a darn good question. What is your Master's in TXKS?
I could have almost done my entire thing online. I was lost in Economics and Accounting for undergrad so I figured I needed classroom time for those courses.
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txks1151
enthusiast
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 210
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MS in Mechanical Engineering. Have a fairly large concentration in powertrain thermodynamics (fancy term for engine design) and biofuels.
I have only lab classes left, about 10 credits or so.. And my school is hardlineing the "must do it HERE" for the labs. School is in Flint, MI. Not much in the way of Naval Air Stations there.
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1004SRS
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Bummer....
Why did you choose Mechanical, not chemical? I used to work as a College Recruiter for an Engineering Company. Just curious.
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txks1151
enthusiast
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 210
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I was a hands-on gearhead. Mechanical was a good fit. I did my master's work at the same school. Mechanical only, but I did take some applied chemistry classes for the biofuels part.
I made a BioDiesel reactor out of an old water heater and some plumbing parts. Made BioDiesel for about $1 a gallon, from free oil I was getting from the School's cafeteria.
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
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That is pretty cool.
I had a friend that went into Mechanical...He made a awesome smoker/bbq grill.
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PhoenixRising
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Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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My ex had his undergrad in Mechanical..
I will miss his McGyver-isms...
I won't miss him..
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
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txks1151
enthusiast
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 210
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I made an awesome BBQ.. Ex got that too...
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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Now that really sucks. Crossed the line on that...
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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****** School is in Flint, MI. Not much in the way of Naval Air Stations there.*******
txks1151
I grew up in MI. I am flying into Flint this Wednesday and going to see my parents for a week. I went to school in Marquette MI and KI Sawyer AFB was there. Met many AF guys there. Perhaps you could finish at NMU? But, you know what, I am old and that was twenty some years ago. I am thinking someone said they closed KISawyer. Hummmm, seems like you could find somewhere to complete your classes.
Awww heck, never mind I just reread, you are in the Navy anyway, not the Airforce.........dur ta durrrrrr.
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txks1151
enthusiast
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 210
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Hence the Naval Air Station.
It still suprises me how much of the population here in Corpus Christi, and back in Jacksonville thought we were USAF..
I had a neighbor try to tell me I was USAF, and not USN, since he was an admin type in the USAF, and according to him "if it flies, the AF owns it"
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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Somehow the 85 aircraft onboard each nuc carrier, helos on Frigates, Crusiers and special ships, naval air stations, I think this guy is smoking something... I think the naval personnel would beg to differ with the AF Admin.
Edited by Badasp (06/25/07 12:37 AM)
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MvnFwd
recently joined
Reged: 08/05/07
Posts: 4
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I don't see any reason to bring up the past early on... if you're a jerk then it will reveal itself soon enough. The past is realy just that, the past... or at least it should be anyway.
MvnFwd
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jss1
member
Reged: 10/09/07
Posts: 133
Loc: New York
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Take lots of time. Really get to know someone b4 you get into anything. Im a sucker my ex told me horror stories about her ex. That should have been a flag. After being with her a couple of years I think the guy was a drunk in self defense.
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Life is tough dont make it tougher.
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