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ssmom79
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Changing Names after Divorce
      #256806 - 07/02/07 12:38 PM

My hubby's ex-wife is on divorce #2. Is it up to her what name she uses after divorce? Could she go back to old married name if she wanted or would her maiden name be restored? She says she wants her last name to match her kids.

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matart1
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: ssmom79]
      #256826 - 07/02/07 01:31 PM

as it will be her name to chose, she can have what she wants with it.

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ssmom79
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: matart1]
      #256828 - 07/02/07 01:36 PM

OH MAN! We really didn't want that answer!

Thanks for your input!


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almostheaven
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Her choice... [Re: ssmom79]
      #256954 - 07/02/07 04:56 PM

Every adult can choose whatever name they want and legally have it changed. The only time they couldn't is if they are changing their name for malicious reasons, to pretend to be someone else or somehow cause some type of harm to someone else. I did the same when I divorced, changed back to my previous married name because my daughter had expressed how she'd been unhappy that we'd both had different last names all those years. No one owns a name.

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almostheaven
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: ssmom79]
      #256955 - 07/02/07 04:58 PM

May I ask why? What does it matter what name she uses?

I'm asking for two reasons. If its just because you can't stand her or similar reasons and just don't WANT her having it, then its time to let go of those issues. Because they're your issues and you need to deal with them.

However, if its because you fear she would try to represent herself as his wife for some type of harm, then see my previous response. You would of course have to prove this and you likely couldn't do that UNTIL she's changed her name and done something wrong.

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Miranda
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: ssmom79]
      #256960 - 07/02/07 05:22 PM

My husband's decree states that his ex is not to go by his last name. She still does, not much you do about it, but it was court ordered. He had a separate motion for it. It was called "Petition for name change" or something similar.

I think my husband was most worried about her passing herself off as his wife.

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ssmom79
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Miranda]
      #257016 - 07/02/07 08:03 PM

Frankly I don't care what name she uses. Sure I have my own PERSONAL problem with her taking back her old name, however, I am fully aware that they would be personal issues. I deal with my personal issues OK. It was simply a question out of curiosity.

Now, my husband on the other hand was a little irked because she didn't want his name seven years ago when she left him, why want it now.

We don't get to make that choice, so I guess we will wait to see what she chooses.


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almostheaven
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: ssmom79]
      #257022 - 07/02/07 08:21 PM

>>>>>Now, my husband on the other hand was a little irked because she didn't want his name seven years ago when she left him, why want it now.<<<<<

Well, she did state because she wants hers and the kids' names to match. Maybe they've expressed some concern, as my daughter did. It may not be a matter that she wants the name so much as she wants to feel closer to her kids, or apease her kids insecurities or something.

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ssmom79
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: almostheaven]
      #257108 - 07/03/07 08:06 AM

Well, like you guys said, if she wants the name, she's entitled to it. That's life.

I'm sure it'll be a temporary name change anyway.


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preemiemom
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: ssmom79]
      #257118 - 07/03/07 09:04 AM

I can see the "name matching" thing. I also have an issue with the child's names being different than the mother's (if that's who they live with). One of the reasons WHY was b/c I was concerned how my daughter would feel growing up, having a different last name.

So I'm really really glad, AH, that you shared your own daughter's feelings on the matter.. reaffirmed what I feared for my own.

Since stbx and I were married SUCH a brief period of time and given our daughter's age, I petitioned, as part of the divorce to change her last name on her birth certificate to a hyphenated form of BOTH of our last names; however, she will "go by" my maiden name, which is what I will be returning to once the decree is issued.

I did have an issue with his first wife keeping his last name... but not b/c of her per se, or his other daughter, but b/c she was having ANOTHER child, by someone else, who was legally still married.. I had a concern that since her last name was my stbx's last name that she'd try to give THAT last name to the new child. THAT would be a no-no, wouldn't it? I mean, I guess it's "legal" but morally that'd just be super super super tacky no?

She ended up returning to her maiden name anyway, we have no idea what the other kid's last name is.. presumably her maiden name.

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PhoenixRising
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: preemiemom]
      #257161 - 07/03/07 11:37 AM

"I had a concern that since her last name was my stbx's last name that she'd try to give THAT last name to the new child. THAT would be a no-no, wouldn't it? I mean, I guess it's "legal" but morally that'd just be super super super tacky no?"

PM,
I STRONGLY disagree w/ you..

When I married; his name BECAME mine for better for worse.. until death... It is MY name. It has been my name for most of my life. If I have a child, I will give it MY name.

The fact that it is also his name; is just a coincidence at this point. Just like the two Smiths in my son's class this year aren't related. This child would not be related to that branch..

Yes, some might think that everyone was related because in my case, it is a pretty unique name.. BUT be it what it may... IT is MY name! If he doesn't like it; he can legally change his name.. BUT this is my name, my children's name, my family name..

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RJ1
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: preemiemom]
      #257209 - 07/03/07 01:55 PM

I maintain my maiden name and I gave our son his Dad's middle and last name (ain't I sweet...LOL). Our son is VERY proud of his name and he hasn't given one iota's thought to our names not being the same. It's all he knows, it's all I know, and we are proud. And considering I'm 41 and never been married, no matter how a future husband may feel about it, I'm retaining my maiden name. It's just easier. And sometimes in the pediatrician's office they accidentally call me by my ex's last name. Doesn't bother me in the least. I say make the kiddos PROUD of their birth-given name.

Now I'll never be able to put a "family last name" on our mailbox...but such is life!



RJ


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Miranda
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: RJ1]
      #257214 - 07/03/07 02:10 PM

I never changed my name with my first husband, and I did not add my H's last name to mine until 2004 - when I finished my Master's. I still go by my maiden name, but so many times I just have to succumb and use my H's last name. Like on base, for health records and such. I legally hyphenated my name so I have to go by that on our taxes.

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Miranda
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #257218 - 07/03/07 02:13 PM

And I strongly disagree with you PR

My name is the name I was given at birth. I have a real issue with the fact that so many women lose their identities upon marriage. My H's last name is his last name; and my last name is the name I was born with. My sons' have their respective fathers' last names, as that is customary.

When I die, if my obit reads "Mrs. Don Smith" I will be flipping in my grave and I will haunt that reporter!!!

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Melody
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I was told that only the [Re: Miranda]
      #257224 - 07/03/07 02:26 PM

individual could petition for a name change. IOW, the spouse couldn't petition to force the other spouse to use a different name. I changed my name back to my maiden name as a part of the divorce. It was included in the paperwork to RESTORE my name.

However, when ex was divorced the first time, his ex wouldn't go back to her maiden name. She wanted to have the same last name as the kids. Ex was infuriated, because he felt only I was entitled to be Mrs. [censored]. But there was nothing he could do about it because it was HER right to decide to petition for the name change or not.


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Miranda
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Re: I was told that only the [Re: Melody]
      #257246 - 07/03/07 03:11 PM

Not in New Mexico.

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almostheaven
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Why not? [Re: RJ1]
      #257293 - 07/03/07 05:44 PM

Got a couple just down the street "living in sin" (as my mother calls it). LOL They just list both their names on their box.

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almostheaven
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: preemiemom]
      #257295 - 07/03/07 05:50 PM

Considering the number of divorces that take place these days, its not uncommon to have kids with different last names in the same family. Some parents may not be fond of that and may want to try and keep them all the same. That may be a reason why your ex's ex wanted to name her second child the same.

When I was divorcing my second husband, my daughter (then 12) asked me if I was going to go back to my last married name. When I told her I hadn't planned to change my name at all, she told me that she wished I would cause she hated that we'd had different last names for years. Said kids at school kept asking who I was and she had to explain I was her mom...since when my name was said, it wasn't the same as hers. So I decided to go ahead and change it back during the divorce.

Now my daughter just went through a divorce about a month ago. Learning from mom, she took the no contest route. Much simpler and no sense dragging it out. She however kept her married name for two reasons. Not wanting to change her DL and SS card, and everything else (which was why I wasn't initially going to change my name), and...because of all of her dad's deeds as of recent, she wanted nothing to do with him, especially having his name.

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Char Fox


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PhoenixRising
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Miranda]
      #257341 - 07/03/07 07:51 PM

"My name is the name I was given at birth"

I agree I was also given a name at birth. I was given a new name when I married.

The name was not on loan. When I took possession of it; it was with the knowledge that it was permanent.

I left my childhood home and my childhood name.

I fulfilled my marriage contract. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do. My ex decided he wanted a younger model..

He doesn't get to take the name back. He doesn't get to renege after 20 years..

If I had my way, in the subsequent marriages the additional wives would NOT be allowed to take the name.

I don't care what you call them but they should NOT have my name; I am still using it...

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youngatheart
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Miranda]
      #257481 - 07/04/07 01:43 AM

My identity has nothing to do with my maiden name. I go by the name I took when I married 12 years ago. It IS my name. That IS who just about everyone in the world knows me by. It is the name in which my education is under. It is the name EVERYONE at work knows me by, all students, all teachers, all families. That said, even if I changed it to Smith or Johnson or Doright, it wouldn't change my IDENTITY. I am who I am....a name is just what I'm called. I have reasons for being attached to the one I use...which is why I use it, same as most people use the name to which they are attached.

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Relayer
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: youngatheart]
      #257495 - 07/04/07 06:34 AM

It's funny. Both my ex's hate(d) my guts. Yet for a long time #1 still used my last name and #2 still does.

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Redlegg
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: youngatheart]
      #257535 - 07/04/07 09:41 AM

I heard of guy whose name was Jack Schitt, he couldn't stand it so he had it changed, to Joe.

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Miranda
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: youngatheart]
      #257538 - 07/04/07 09:49 AM

Quote:

My identity has nothing to do with my maiden name. I go by the name I took when I married 12 years ago. It IS my name. That IS who just about everyone in the world knows me by. It is the name in which my education is under. It is the name EVERYONE at work knows me by, all students, all teachers, all families. That said, even if I changed it to Smith or Johnson or Doright, it wouldn't change my IDENTITY. I am who I am....a name is just what I'm called. I have reasons for being attached to the one I use...which is why I use it, same as most people use the name to which they are attached.




I will just disagree with your stance. Changing your name absolutely changes your identity-that is why the word alias exists.

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TGSM
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #257663 - 07/04/07 06:37 PM

Maybe I am just grouchy today and I apologize for being touchy, but I am very confused. You say in one post, "The fact that it is also his name; is just a coincidence at this point. Just like the two Smiths in my son's class this year aren't related. This child would not be related to that branch.."

Then in another, "If I had my way, in the subsequent marriages the additional wives would NOT be allowed to take the name.

I don't care what you call them but they should NOT have my name; I am still using it..."

Which is it? If it's just a name, then why care if your ex husbands wife uses the name? As far as I am concerned, I don't care what name she goes by. She was her married name longer than her maiden, but don't begrudge me going by my husbands name...he is my first and only husband and as of now I am Mrs. DH P. She is Ms. Yahoo P. now...totally different contexts.

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PhoenixRising
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: TGSM]
      #257674 - 07/04/07 06:58 PM

I was just being touchy...

The other side of the arguement for those that think that the prior wife should not have the name or shouldn't be able to give the name to her subsequent children... is that technically the name should be only given out once... Til death do we part.. Subsequent wives can just wait until I die..

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Miranda
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #257698 - 07/04/07 08:05 PM

You think women should give their ex husband's last names to subsequent children? How awful for the children to be named after a man who has no connection to them. My good friend in H.S. had that problem and as soon as she turned 18 she got rid of that last name (her mom's ex's last name) and changed it to her bio fathers-even though he was absent.

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PhoenixRising
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Miranda]
      #257798 - 07/04/07 11:24 PM

"You think women should give their ex husband's last names to subsequent children? How awful for the children to be named after a man who has no connection to them."

NO, I AM NOT GIVING MY SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN MY EX-HUSBAND'S NAME !!!

I am giving them MY NAME!! He is free to go out and change his name to anything he wants; if he wants to change history and pretend that we hadn't been married for the twenty years...

I purused the school directory: There are:
4 smiths -none related
7 browns -3 related
8 scherers -all related (albeit distantly) founding fathers and all that..
2 schmidts -not related
2 martinezs -not related
3 carrs -2 related..

I will have a whole branch of "G's" not related to their branch.. It will be easy to tell the difference; my descendents will be the ones that didn't fall out of the stupid tree...

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almostheaven
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Redlegg]
      #257805 - 07/05/07 01:18 AM

He changed his name to Jack Joe???

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Redlegg
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: almostheaven]
      #257834 - 07/05/07 07:16 AM

Come on, two first names, who does that

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preemiemom
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But remember PR... [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #257945 - 07/05/07 12:11 PM

a few things that are different and given your circumstances, you might not relate to:

1) In my case, I will likely have my divorce papers signed off before our 2 year wedding anniversary. Yes, I married him, and I took MY vows very seriously, he didn't given them even half a FIRST thought, never mind a 2nd. I will be returning to my maiden name, PERIOD. I have no intention of having my name associated with him for the rest of my life. I had said this before I ever remarried and had I not had a child, I would have stuck with it.. I was born my maiden last name, I will die with it. The ONLY reason I changed my last name after marrying was b/c I was pregnant.

You're looking at it through the eyes of having had that name for 20 years. I'm looking at through the eyes of having had it about 15 months before he bailed. Totally different.

Also, his last name sucks Yours is at least pronouncable. I still can't say my last name, his poor daughter can't pronounce it either.. none of my co-workers can pronounce it. I let telemarkets and other callers get through about 30 seconds of fumbling with the pronounciation before I just say it for them.. yes, that's me.. Mrs. impossible last name.. now what do you want??

2) On the first wife. It wasn't just ME that had a problem with it. His father threatened he'd show up at her house with a shotgun if he found out she'd used HIS last name (stbx's dad). Everyone DESPISES the woman and the man she had the child with was the man she was screwing around on stbx with. The idea that she'd give stbx HIS last name (bear in mind, there were other issues, ie they weren't DIVORCED, thereby technically making the child, by law, stbx's, not the boyfriend's in terms of NY "assumption of legitimacy" rules).

I, and anyone who knew the situation, were in unanimous agreement that for her to name the child of her lover by her husband's last name (given they were divorced etc) would just be the absolute lowest in low-class.

I venture to guess some of HER friends might have said the same thing since she decided shortly thereafter to return to HER maiden name.

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RJ1
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Re: But remember PR... [Re: preemiemom]
      #257949 - 07/05/07 12:26 PM

I just don't get the name thing. Why would anyone really care what an adult names themselves? We all have that right as adults. I could name myself Peter Pumpkineater and I'll be darn if anyone says anything to me about it!

Even though I'm old fashioned, if that's what you call it, I believe the children should have their father's last name. But that's just my opinion and may not fit someone else's life. But it's ultimately up to the adults.

I just don't get it.........(shrug)

RJ


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preemiemom
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #257955 - 07/05/07 12:32 PM

Strictly to debate another view.. nothing personal

Quote:

"My name is the name I was given at birth"

I agree I was also given a name at birth. I was given a new name when I married.

----->>> No, it wasn't "given" per se.. a wife ASSUMES the new name. It doesn't erase your original name, nor is there a guarantee of permanency.

The name was not on loan. When I took possession of it; it was with the knowledge that it was permanent.

------->>>>> Knowledge? No... on the promise? Yes. On the hope? Yes. On the assumption? Yes. But there is no guarantee of anything permanent in life.

I left my childhood home and my childhood name.

I fulfilled my marriage contract. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do. My ex decided he wanted a younger model..

He doesn't get to take the name back. He doesn't get to renege after 20 years..

----------->>> Actually, all the more reason I WOULD want my own name back. After all that time and after screwing me over? Damn straight, I'd want to make it damn clear I was my own person, and that I didn't need to be tied, emotionally, physically, financially, or by NAME to him anymore. But that's me. It is also my 2nd husband's first wife's position too. She did TWENTY NINE YEARS (yes, my 2nd husband was MUCH MUCH older than I). And she immediately, do not pass go, okay, she collected about $600,000 (no kids)... but she changed her name.. IMMEDIATELY.. Like the day the decree was entered. She actually agreed, no less, to annul their marriage when he got married to #3. So evidently you can renege on that many years.

If I had my way, in the subsequent marriages the additional wives would NOT be allowed to take the name.

I don't care what you call them but they should NOT have my name; I am still using it...




------->>>> Why not? They made the same exact commitment you did. And, in fact, are doing so at greater risk and with a whole lot more baggage. If anything, they probably deserve the name more. You went in as a youngster, wide eyed, full of promise and naivety. No baggage, no ex's, no children. Whoever becomes #2 takes him on with all that stuff. An ex wife who will probably resent her existence (and resent the use of the name, lol.. again, this is not about YOU personally, just a flip side of the coin to look at, so that last was meant to be a joke), children that aren't hers and will probably ALSO resent her presence, impaired finances due to say alimony, child support (where/if applicable), the emotional baggage of someone divorced.. shall I go on? She goes in and she takes that on. Why does she deserve the name any less than the first wife?

Why should a first or previous wife get to KEEP it? Particularly, say, if THEY initiated the divorce? You didn't want the man, why want the name? And why does a name identify/define who you are? (again, using the "you" in the overall sense).

I keep going back to... I am who I was born. Marriage didn't change that. And I will go back to that name. Also, partially why I want to (and am) change dd's name. She is not just a creation of HIS, she is a creation of OURS. Since he reneged on his end of the marriage (and parenting) deal, there's no reason why I should have her have her last name as solely his.. Her name will be a hyphenation of us BOTH. Now that we are split. That way she will always be identifiable with BOTH of us.. actually in ALL her names (her first name is her father's middle name, in feminine form, her middle name is my first name). So she will, truly, be a totally blended version of the two of us name-wise.

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preemiemom
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Re: But remember PR... [Re: RJ1]
      #257958 - 07/05/07 12:35 PM

Welll... I'm trying to look at it now from the MALE perspective.

I don't think I'd want some child that wasn't created from my sperm, and with whom I had no part in providing for, raising, or anything else.. running around with MY last name.

Looking at it through stbx's eyes.. I definately wouldn't want my ex wife's illegitimate child running around with my last name. It would almost seem like she was trying to legitimize the child in doing so, and using MY name to do it. And considering she (and again, speaking in "his" voice) already robbed me of my house, my savings, my sense of self-worth, and any remote sense of pride, I think she should my name alone.

(and ultimately she did)

--------------------
The best we can do is live our lives with enlightened improvisation.


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RJ1
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Re: But remember PR... [Re: preemiemom]
      #257977 - 07/05/07 12:57 PM

Well it sounds like it would be considered personal issues with him. Lots of people unrelated share the same last name. But I also think it was in poor taste and tacky to threaten with a shotgun. It goes both ways. But I STILL don't see this big issue with a name. A lot of people couldn't believe I named my son after his Dad when we weren't even married. It's my business and that's exactly what I told them.

*shrug* again

Come to think of it, it has never ever crossed my mind if my ex's first ex wife kept his name. Never even thought about it at all. I guess I just don't care what other people do.

RJ


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nrvouswrk
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Re: But remember PR... [Re: RJ1]
      #258012 - 07/05/07 02:21 PM

I am remarried and still go by my ex husband's last name. To be honest with you, I couldn't care less how many Mrs. Fools are out there. If he was ever able to find a Mrs. Fool #3, and she had a fit over me using the name, she could go to hell for all I would care.

It isn't as if it is even a great name. Like PR said, it is the one I use. It fits me for some reason. My current husband's doesn't.


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Debbie_L
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: preemiemom]
      #258025 - 07/05/07 02:51 PM

My daughter (aged 14) and I have NEVER had the same last name. It doesn't bother her, me or anybody else that I'm aware of. It really is a non-issue for us. If it did bother her I would probably have her change it to my name. I wouldn't take her last name (it is her dad's, and while we did live together for a few years we were never married).

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almostheaven
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Redlegg]
      #258028 - 07/05/07 02:52 PM

Well lets see, just off the top of my head:

Eddie Albert
Benedict Arnold
Tom Arnold
Richard Benjamin
Jack Benny
Omar Bradley
Morgan Brittany
Lenny Bruce
Jim Carrey
Drew Carey
Mariah Carey
Ray Charles
Agatha Christie
Dick Clark
Roy Clark
Henry Clay
Billy Crystal
Tony Curtis
Larry David
James Dean
Sandra Dee
Kirk Douglas
Michael Douglas
Chris Eliot
Julius "Dr. J" Erving
Chad Everett
Tammy Faye
Arlene Francis
Barney Frank
Benjamin Franklin
Peter Gabriel
Crystal Gayle
Judd Gregg
Dick Gregory
Darryl Hannah
Paul Harvey
Steve Harvey
Buddy Holly
Bob Hope
Ron Howard
Chris Isaak
Jesse James
Rick James
Billy Joel
Elton John
Danny Kaye
DeForest Kelly
Gene Kelly
George Kelly
Grace Kelly
Ralph Lauren
Martin Lawrence
Brandon Lee
Bruce Lee
Michele Lee
Robert E. Lee
Jerry Lewis

Ok, this is getting tedious, so I'm gonna stop now and just tell ya that I pulled these out of my head. Now...you believe that, right? LOL

--------------------
Char Fox


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Redlegg
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: almostheaven]
      #258073 - 07/05/07 04:19 PM

Wow, all of that for Jack Sh*t, very nice

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Debi
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: preemiemom]
      #258623 - 07/06/07 11:09 PM

I had a concern that since her last name was my stbx's last name that she'd try to give THAT last name to the new child. THAT would be a no-no, wouldn't it? I mean, I guess it's "legal" but morally that'd just be super super super tacky no?

----> When my kids asked me what their new sisters name would be I didn't have an answer for them. I kept my name when I got divorced and this child's father doesn't seem to plan to be in the picture.

My oldest daugheter wrote a letter to her father (unknown to me) asking him if it would be okay for the baby to have their last name because they don't want her to feel different. My x called me after he got the letter and told me that if that's what the girls want it's what I should do because it's my name too. I was actually very touched by it, because I'm not sure I'd have asked him or done it. I'm not sure what I'd have done but I'd have had to come up with an option.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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momathome
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #258630 - 07/06/07 11:36 PM

I took back my maiden name when I divorced, because my maiden name is the name I was given at birth. My x's name was only my name because we married...for better or worse only applied while we were married...my son of course has his father's name and always will, but that is not MY name. I am about to re-marry, and of course I will take his name...I am pregnant and of course our child will have his name...his x kept the married name and is about to give birth as well, but she isn't married and is unsure of the paternity of the child and it is our concern that she will give the child the "married" name and that people will associate HER child with what is now OUR family...I personally don't like it, but I suppose there isn't much I can do other than assure people that the child isn't related to us in any way...oh, did I mention that the reason she ever became his x was due to her drug addiction and stealing/forgery to support her habit??...this is why we don't want to be associated with her and her child...selfish, perhaps...justified, I think so.

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PhoenixRising
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: momathome]
      #258693 - 07/07/07 10:02 AM

Let me understand...

You think that you and your bastard child deserve the name..

But the woman that was actually married to the man do not...

Sorry that logic escapes me... but the bottom line is: IT was her name long before you came into the picture..

If you don't like the situation; don't make it worse by marrying into it...

--------------------
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato


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Miranda
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #258734 - 07/07/07 12:23 PM

You think that you and your bastard child deserve the name..


*********

Yikes, I guess you think your bastard children should get your ex's name too though, right? Isn't that the right of a former spouse?

--------------------
13.1...because I am only half crazy!


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preemiemom
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #258860 - 07/07/07 08:19 PM

Quote:

Let me understand...

You think that you and your bastard child deserve the name..

But the woman that was actually married to the man do not...

Sorry that logic escapes me... but the bottom line is: IT was her name long before you came into the picture..

If you don't like the situation; don't make it worse by marrying into it...




But again, if I read correctly the child is NOT biologically his?

This sounds like a VERY similar scenario to my stbx. His ex seeing that up til that point had retained her married name (although, now in retrospect that evidently wasn't by choice, she could NOT change her name b/c she wasn't legally divorced.. a fact SHE knew but stbx did NOT.. once the divorce WAS final, she wasted no time whatsoever in changing her name back to her maiden name, so half of what came out of her mouth regarding her name was bs to begin with).. but ANYWAY.. HAD she retained her married name, she COULD have given her new child that name and you think that's appropriate?

The child is NO relation whatsoever to being that last name. The wife was no longer married to stbx, the child was NOT his biologically, AND to add further potential insult to injury, the ACTUAL father of the child was the man that she was cheating on stbx with.

So he should be happy her illegitimate child, fathered by the man she was cheating on him with, should share the same last name of his biological child with her, and also his biological child with me?

Sorry, I'm pretty ballsy sometimes but I would NEVER have the temerity, being divorced, to give my ex-husband's last name to a child NOT of his biology. To do that is just tacky in my opinion.

--------------------
The best we can do is live our lives with enlightened improvisation.


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sally1234
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: preemiemom]
      #258953 - 07/08/07 09:18 AM

I believe it is every adults choice to have whatever name they choose.

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rocki
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: ssmom79]
      #258959 - 07/08/07 09:24 AM

I kept my ex's name and added my maiden name at the end. My then six year old daughter was afraid that if our names were different that I wouldn't be her mommy anymore. I only use the ex's last name when it pertains to my children i.e. school. But I do not agree to giving a child an ex's name just so children in the house have the same name. I have 4 kids and only 3 have the same last name. One has my maiden name. And now everyone is covered.

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Relayer
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: rocki]
      #259519 - 07/09/07 03:52 PM

The child should have the last name of whoever the father is. Period.

--------------------
GO CUBBIES!!!!


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almostheaven
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Relayer]
      #259656 - 07/09/07 10:04 PM

Why? Who made the law that children should be named after the fathers? Who decided that women, who do all the bearing, the birthing, the 9 months of sickness, swelling, backaches, etc. etc., weren't important enough for a child to have THEIR name? And what if the father isn't even in the picture? What if he was some fly by night schmuck she met in a bar and didn't catch his last name, and was too drunk to remember his first? Do we name the child Baby Schmuck?

--------------------
Char Fox


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Redlegg
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: almostheaven]
      #259702 - 07/10/07 07:07 AM

Maybe its just a tradition and not a law, and women giving birth really has nothing to do with it, as it has been proved that one person who does something by themselves in a marriage has no more rights than the spouse who does not participate. I guess you could call the child baby Schmuck, baby Slut, baby stupid, baby what was I thinking, or even baby OOPS, If the parents are married, then the child should have their last name including hyphens if they exist, if it is a single custodial parent, then they child should have the name that parent chooses, but neither parent should get the choice based solely on their participation, thats not equal and not how we do things these days.

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preemiemom
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Relayer]
      #259722 - 07/10/07 08:41 AM

Quote:

The child should have the last name of whoever the father is. Period.




And why is THAT? What if a woman doesn't take her husband's name upon marriage at all? I wasn't intending to. My career has been mostly with my maiden name, and I was extremely hesitant to change it and ONLY did because I was pregnant.

Now, I have NO intention whatsoever of keeping sfb's last name (it's impossible to spell or pronounce), we were only "married" 16 months and I'm 100% responsible for the child financially and about 95% responsible for her physically.

So, other than provide sperm, what exactly has he done that warrants an assumption that his last name is somehow better than mine?

I will be reassuming my maiden name, our daughter's name will be changed to be a hyphenated version of BOTH of our last names. To me, THAT is fair. It equally represents BOTH parents, doesn't change his status on the birth certificate, and at least gives us some "same name status" in the same household (something that is of importance to me, and my value system... doesn't matter to others, but it matters to me).

--------------------
The best we can do is live our lives with enlightened improvisation.


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almostheaven
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Redlegg]
      #259728 - 07/10/07 09:02 AM

Well why not? Relayer wants them to have the choice based solely on their gender. I think participation should trump gender.

--------------------
Char Fox


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Redlegg
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: almostheaven]
      #260231 - 07/10/07 09:56 PM

Sort of like income????????

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NancyD
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Relayer]
      #260330 - 07/11/07 08:41 AM

It is a tradition in our culture, but not the law, simply because the male lineage has been dominant since the middle ages. In other cultures, it is done differently. Since, until the advent of DNA proof, the mother was the only "sure bet" parent, some cultures use the mother's lineage as the dominant one.

Neither one satisfies our geneological urge to know our roots on both lines of our ancestral tree unless copious records are kept. One side or the other is repressed with time. So, we use the one that comes with our culture. However, cultures change due to internal and external forces. The current trend to use both parents' names in some fashion, or even create a new name for their progeny is evident that we are in a stage where our cultural is changing.

By law, we can give our children almost any name we wish. It does NOT have to be the father's name.


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almostheaven
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: Redlegg]
      #260512 - 07/11/07 01:37 PM

???

--------------------
Char Fox


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1smartcookie
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Re: Changing Names after Divorce [Re: momathome]
      #308955 - 10/23/07 11:21 AM

I have a SON from a first marriage. I dated another man about a year after my divorce was finalized, for about a year. Three weeks after breaking things off I found out I had a SURPRISE coming... Since i was no longer in that relationship and knew he wasn't going to be in the picture, the last name issue was a tough one.

In the end, I gave my beautiful daughter my SON's last name. My SON'S name just happens to be the same as my XH. Nothing will ever change that he is her brother, and she is his sister. Being half siblings is not something they are even aware of in their minds, they are simply brother and sister. Having the same last name makes life easier for them too.

--------------------
~*~ 1 SMART COOKIE ~*~


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