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spikeman
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Reged: 07/09/07
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A simple question...
      #259422 - 07/09/07 12:10 PM

I have a very simple question that I would like your answer to. I will keep the details short so as to not bore you with them.

In the ten years we've been married I have separated from her twice (for only a few days each time, then got back together to work it out). We tried counseling after the first separation, only to discontinue it shortly thereafter. As you can guess, nothing got solved. So here we are, years later, with little to show for improvement. A small part of me feels we can both repair our marriage, while most of me feels things won't change regardless, and I am considering separation for good. She is opposed to the counseling for the most part, and is playing the 'denial' card.

My question is - at what point do you wake up and realize that divorce is the only remaining option?


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matart1
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Re: A simple question... [Re: spikeman]
      #259445 - 07/09/07 12:56 PM

when you have done everything that you feel you could do to salvage the marriage - if you have given it your all and the other person is not doing their part then it is always going to be an uphill battle.

you can't fix what the other person refuses to acknowledge is broken.

when the failed marriage is destroying you - it is time to get out.

--------------------
Life is a long lesson in humility.


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matilda
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Re: A simple question... [Re: spikeman]
      #259485 - 07/09/07 02:19 PM

Have you considered a trial separatioin to see how you feel being out on your own?

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beck40
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Re: A simple question... [Re: matilda]
      #259613 - 07/09/07 08:04 PM

I agree with the person who said when you have done everything you can to salvage the marriage.
I always am thinking, Ok, I vowed for better or worse. But where does happiness come in?


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Goodmom
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Re: A simple question... [Re: spikeman]
      #259639 - 07/09/07 09:17 PM

Quote:

My question is - at what point do you wake up and realize that divorce is the only remaining option?




When you realize that you are slowly dying inside.

When you realize that the fight just isn't worth it anymore.

And only you can decide that.


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JustMeAndThree
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Reged: 04/25/07
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Re: A simple question... [Re: Goodmom]
      #259854 - 07/10/07 12:47 PM

In my situation we've had several seperations, nothing has ever been solved or talked about. I didn't just wake up one day and say "hey I want a divorce" rather it came about slowly. I gradually pulled away from my husband then would start to reconnect and he would do something to me or my children that reminded me why I was becoming so distant and I would start to pull away again...This was a long cycle but eventually it got to the point where all I wanted was to be out of the marriage. I had done everything *I* could as an individual to try and save it, he wasn't doing his part and I realized he never would. So I left with my kids. At first I had the feelings of wanting to be with him still but they faded rather quickly. Things are harder for me now but I'm happier and I believe my kids are too

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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.


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spikeman
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Reged: 07/09/07
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Re: A simple question... [Re: JustMeAndThree]
      #262279 - 07/15/07 10:03 AM

Thank you for the replies. You have all hit the nail on the head... could not have answered the question better.

In the last 3-4 weeks I am facing the reality that I am suffering from depression. I am currently taking medication and have started counseling, so I am doing all the right things. Whether or not my recent built-up marriage issues have contributed to it are debatable, I would tend to say they indeed have pushed me over the edge.

I DO believe that I am dying inside, as Goodmom said. My sister-in-law, who has therapy training, told me one time," on one hand, I do believe in 'till death do us part', but if you are so unhappy in an unfixable marriage, then the marriage IS dead."

The one thing I am fearing the most through all of this is that I lose the identity of who I am. I am afraid this has started to happen, although the depression is probably playing a role.

The trial separation makes sense, but I see it as the official start of a divorce, rather than a break that could end in reconciliation. As I mentioned, I separated from her twice before, only to get back into the old ways. If I were to do it again, at first it would not phase her because she would think I was just 'nutting out' (even easier now to justify falsely because I'm on medication). It wouldn't be until an officer of the peace interrupted her work day to hand her the papers, that she would say, "oh s--t, he ain't kidding this time". Then, SEVERE denial would kick in.

As matart1 suggested, I have to ask myself - first, have I done everything that I can do to save it; second, will it ever be what I truly want it to be; and third, will I be happier on my own?

Your thoughts...


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almostheaven
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Re: A simple question... [Re: spikeman]
      #262294 - 07/15/07 10:43 AM

You could always try an in between. You said part of you thinks you could work out the problems, but both of these "separations" were only a few days each. You need a REAL separation. If you want to leave the home, get an apt., take your clothes, TRULY separate. Maybe when she sees you're more serious this time and aren't coming right back she'll try the counseling again and stick with it this time. Maybe she won't and maybe divorce is inevitable. But if you're unsure, you need to give a real separation some time before going with the permanent solution of divorce.

And no, it doesn't ALWAYS mean the end. Many people separate for awhile then try dating again, starting out slow, and end up resolving their problems, finding whatever it was they lost. My aunt actually DID get a divorce. But 20 years later, they remarried. They were both married in between and discovered that the grass wasn't any greener and whatever problems they had over 20 years ago have vanished.

--------------------
Char Fox


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