Im_Hosed
recently joined
Reged: 07/16/07
Posts: 17
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My wife of over 15 years just told me a few weeks ago that she doesn't love me anymore and wants out. I knew she wasn't happy and had "checked out" a while ago but it is still a shock to get to this point. She wants no reconciliation and just wants out but wants primary custody of our two young (under 12) children. She wants a mediated separation agreement yesterday. Unfortunately I am the breadwinner and she has only recently begun to work (at minimal wages). Being that I work full time, it would be difficult for me to argue for primary residence. If I simply ignore this (assuming I can live with someone who wants nothing to do with me) can she still force a divorce? I am a loving father who has done nothing but provide for my family's every need. No arguing, abuse, etc. If anything, I love her with all my heart but she just doesn't love me anymore. Shouldn't she be the one who leaves? Can she take down an "innocent man" with an attorney? I also don't want this to be adversarial for the kids sake (neither does she). Any comments?
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googledad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/31/05
Posts: 10207
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Yes , a separation agreement is the easiest and cheapest way to divorce , but with muliple filings ( CS , SS , child custody can all be done in Family Court ) you could be bled dry and have no recourse but to settle .
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Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Anyone can leave/divorce anyone at any time. You can't stop that. Have you tried to sit down and have a serious discussion with her about whether she'd be willing to try and work through any problems you have, going to marital counseling, etc.? Yes, she can leave, force you to leave, and it can BECOME adversarial. If she's dead set on it and won't try to work it out, then you need an ATTORNEY yesterday, not an agreement that fast. Signing anything in haste will be your downfall. You need to argue for joint custody. Over 15 years, she MAY get some type of alimony. Even though she's now working, since its minimal, she may still get something. She would DEFINATELY get CS, even if you get joint. But she'd get less than she would if she had full custody. Don't just go in thinking YOU can't get things and let her talk you into signing anything away.
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Char Fox
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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New York has two options for divorce...Fault or No-fault. For a no-fault divorce, both parties have to be in agreement about the divorce and sign a legal separation agreement. After a period of time (it's a year or two...don't have my facts on that, sorry) goes by, they can then file for a no-fault divorce.
Since many people who want out are not willing to wait that period of time, they have to look at the Fault categories and decide if they can file under one of those. Even couples who are in agreement about the divorce decide to go his route in order to get it over with as quickly as possible. They often chose "Abandonment" as the fault.
However, in order to get a reluctant spouse into negotiations, they often start out with something along the lines of getting a restraining order for physical/mental/emotional abuse and then file for divorce claiming that. That is the danger of trying to stay in the house when one spouse wants out. If things devolve, you could find yourself charged with all sorts of false accusations simply because she wants you OUT. The truth is, for the initial temporary court order of protection, she does NOT have to have much evidence. But that would be enough to get to you to move out...you'd HAVE to.
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Im_Hosed
recently joined
Reged: 07/16/07
Posts: 17
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man..this sucks. So if she agrees to Joint custody with the primary residence of the kids at her address, the CS would/should be less than the standard 25% for two kids in NY? I would like to know some of this before we start meeting with any type of mediation service. Would most reputable mediation services point out this fact?
I don't want to go the attorney route because when you really think about it, everyone loses, especially the kids (and her wanting out is still the same outcome). I just want to ensure the best settlement for my financial future so I can be in a better position when I am involved in my children's lives as well as move on with mine.
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googledad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/31/05
Posts: 10207
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Voice of experience talking here , I live in NY as well . If you have true 50/50 custody/visitation you can expect to pay full chld support . Even with true 50/50 the parent that earns more WILL pay CS with a 50% credit .
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Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Joint custody does not effect the percentage of basic CS unless your STBX agrees to it. However, for CS purposes, I believe NY caps the income at $80,000.
You could push for any extra expenses to be paid pro rata (according to income). That would be for things that are not covered by CS such as extracurricular activities.
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Im_Hosed
recently joined
Reged: 07/16/07
Posts: 17
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Thanks everyone who has replied. I will take it one step at a time and see how it goes w/ a mediated separation agreement. Until I sign, it means nothing anyway. A lawyer is always the last resort but that is a runaway train that I do not want to get on...
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madalex
enthusiast
Reged: 01/08/07
Posts: 261
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Quote:
Thanks everyone who has replied. I will take it one step at a time and see how it goes w/ a mediated separation agreement. Until I sign, it means nothing anyway. A lawyer is always the last resort but that is a runaway train that I do not want to get on...
A lawyer should not be your last resort, but your first. If your wife has already made this decision irrevocably, she is several steps ahead of you in the divorce planning and has likely already consulted a lawyer (even if she hasn't told you this). You need a lawyer now to help you with this.
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Im_Hosed
recently joined
Reged: 07/16/07
Posts: 17
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I did consult one but did not retain. They told me to:
Keep my mouth shut
Hands to myself
Do nothing until I am sent some sort of papers
All this because she has no grounds. I have heard that some people use "constructive abandonment" as a grounds to force the issue. I can't see how that works because I thought the purpose was for the person who WANTS sex and is not getting it can use that reason to leave. I want sex so how can that be used as grounds? We are both still in the same house.
I know she has consulted an attorney (she told me) but has not retained one (she does not have any $ for it). They would have to do it on future proceeds. There aren't too many good lawyers who work like that when a case could drag on for a looong time.
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