Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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"They'd have to earn my trust and how many men really want to have to do all that work? "
My wife had major trust and abandonment issues when we started dating and had remained single for 18 years following her divorce and totally uninvolved socially for the last 12 of them.
It was on our fifth date that she finally said, "I've thought it all through and I can't find any reason not to trust you." I'd have rather heard,"...and I trust you" but I was willing to settle for how she expressed it regardless.
"I'm not as naive anymore about thinking it's just going to happen."
I wasn't either, but it did nonetheless.
The rest, as they say, is history!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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I've had one post divorce, serious, relationship. It was wonderful in the beginning and I can see where people get the natural high with the newness of it all. He asked me to marry him and at one time I even considered it. Thankfully some things that I really needed to be aware of came to light and I realized that I'd only be walking into another marriage, that could easily end in divorce. I was not about to go into anything with those red flags staring me right in the face. I was thankful I have at least learned my lesson on that one. It was very hard, but I pulled away. We've remained freinds, of sorts, but there is no future in it.
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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willybillie
enthusiast
Reged: 05/19/06
Posts: 377
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Even though I am looking forward to dating, when I stop and think about what that will entail, it scares me a little.
I can remember the step-child I had with my X, she was little, then but as she got older I can still remember those words that are etched and imbedded in my head, when I disiplined h er.. YOUR NOT MY FATHER. This is what I might have to look forward to, if the relationship progresses.
In retrospect, my marriage..most of it anyways ,I didn't have to work hard at it. It just meshed for the most part. Now it will be a challenge. Like last nite at the dance. This one lady I danced with a few times, had her guard up, and all I did was be nice. I don't know if that's a red flag nowadays or what, but that's the only way I know how to act. Dating is going to present so many new facets of human behavior, I just hope I can adapt.
I like you lady, am not going to give up hope of finding another love. There is nothing like it in this world to be loved and share love. I just wish I was younger.LOL.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Don't wish you were younger. There's nothing quite like a mature relationship. At age 50 and in the 1990s I was scared to death of starting to date, especially since I hadn't done so since the '60s.
Thankfully, I chose well the first time and that turned out to be the last and lasting time. She's also only two years youngfer than I am so we really do mesh with shared memories, music, historical events, social upheavals, et al.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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I agree, I wouldn't want to be younger. Not to have to redo it, reliving all the years of mistakes, denail or have to go through all that heartache again. I like myself much better now. I appreciate the wisdone I've gained, even if I had to gain it the hard way. LOL!
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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GREAT thread, everyone. What an intelligent, sensitive group of people on this forum...man, I'm so lucky to have found you all!
Selfishness....self gratification....the I want this now mentality.....disposable society....me, me, me! Makes me want to scream. I know, for example, that my grandparents didn't have "the life", but they were committed to making their relationship a life long venture and I believe they depended equally upon each other.
I don't know where I fall in the 90% / 10% theory, but I can tell you that I am doing everything in my power to keep my head above water - especially with the things that my ex typically handled. Can I learn how to change the furnace filter? Sure. Can I figure out the circuit braker? Yes. Can I mow the lawn? Of course. But that doesn't mean that I necessarily want to do these things by myself, ya know.
I've said that I'm defined by my life's experience. People make up my life's experience....people of all shapes, sizes, ages, colors, religions. I want to grow old with someone and when we come to a fork in the road, I want both of us to be open to rolling with whatever it takes to pick either left or right so that we can continue down the path of life. I want to be a part of a respectful union where we nurture each other's passions, make some compromises for one another and grow with life.
I sound like a complete sap! A pitiful one, at that.
Of course, last night (and all night long, I swear), I drempt of the ex and loads of other women. In the dream, he was so happy and fulfilled - and once again, I was the pathetic one who was standing there with NOTHING....nothing but desparation to be loved; included; a part of something wonderful and grand.
<heavy sigh>
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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Phoenix...guilt is an emotion that will serve you no purpose. Trust me, I know - I'm the queen of guilt, I swear!!!
Everyone one of us - the leavers or the leavees have played a roll in what lead to our divorce. I know that I did! Weather or not that hinged on something(s) that he did first is irrelevant (well, kinda irrelevant).
I mean, the real crux of the dilema is that when a problem occurs, we often don't know what to do about it because most of us don't have the <emotional> tools to know how to fix it. I think we can all say that we're so much more knowlegable now since our divorce with all of our "therapy" time (weather on the forum or in a chair), but maybe we didn't always know how to resolve things back then. Maybe our ex's didn't either - well, clearly they didn't.
So....my thought is that for those of us who really dig in and do the post-divorce work, maybe we'll have that chance to employ the knowlege that we've learned through our experiences in a new relationship some day and be more equipped to handle most anything that comes our way. I'd like to think that would be the case.
XOXO
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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It sopunds like that's what we're talking now. You do NOT sound like a sap. You sound like the rest of us who thought we were in mutually committed relationships only to be rudely disabused of that notion after X number of years, 25 in my case.
It's disappointing and a huge loss in terms of dreams, plans and expectations. It's also lonely, discouraging, infuriating and hurtful. There's no way to minimize that.
But you know what? Most of us survive and many of us go on to prosper both personally and emotionally.
I hope that's your ultimate experience as well.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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I encourage selfishness in my son to an extreme degree, that way I know he will never end up paying alimony to a greedy lazy woman.
Selfishness is the path to a stable relationship. An unstable relationship is where the women doesn't work, and the man works very hard to build a career. Then she has every incentive to cash in and leave.
When you live with a women you can NEVER have your income rise above hers...And NEVER allow her to stay home to raise the kids, once they stop working they never want to go back.
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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freedom123
addict
Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 528
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Stbx is also extremely selfish...at this point I don't mind if he's selfish about things involving me but it's really hard for me to understand being selfish about things involving our children. My two children have attended a private parochial school throughout their schooling...daughter will be attending the public high school this year but son will be in 7th grade at the parochial school so stbx and I are splitting the tuition. His live in gf has decided that she wants her children to go to this school as well...the idiot woman has no money but if stbx wants to spend his on her kids then so be it...not my problem. However if she put her kids in my son's school...and he's an EXTREMELY sensitive child...then the situation would be in his face every day so I have been furious about it...especially since all stbx's ever done is complain about paying the tuition for his own children. Turns out that I most probably have nothing to worry about...my aunt is in charge of admissions and she told me that since neither of them are participating members of the church parish, the tuition would be over double what we're paying for our son. I can't imagine him paying that price willingly. To me the whole situation is extremely selfish and totally based on making his gf happy (you know, she doesn't want my kids to get anything her kids can't have) and would have hurt our son.
On another note, I've met the most amazing, least selfish man ever. A friend of mine set us up and we literally talk for hours every day. We are taking things incredibly slow (I almost can't believe how slow LOL!)but last night he told me that he's never met anyone like me and that he thanked my friend for introducing us the other day. He's a quiet, gentle man so it was really hard for him to open himself up to me like he did. Honestly, I've never met anyone like him either. I don't know what's going to happen with this but I just know that I love spending time with him no matter what we're doing.
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