Onyx
old hand
Reged: 08/03/04
Posts: 816
Loc: Buffalo NY
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This may turn into a long post... but I figure that it might help at least *someone* out there. I am writing to inform you all of the results of how you act during a divorce when you have little ones. I have 2 kids. My eldest is 13 and from my first marriage. When his Father and I divorced, we decided that it would be best to stay civil for Joey. We are both products of broken homes, and we knew what Joey would be in for if we followed the lead of our own parents, who did not make things pleasant during and after their divorces. Our divorce took 3 months, it was a no contest divorce. We decided on child support without the court's help, and worked out a reasonable, flexible and generous visitation schedule. We promised each other that we would support one another in the "new partner" dept. and who ever it was we decided to be with was NOT allowed under any circumstances to bash the other parent, or be mean, crude or abusive to our son (note- this first ex-H of mine broke up with a woman because she called me an [censored] infront of our child). Joey, who was 4 years old at the time of the divorce, is now a well rounded 13 year old boy, who feels safe and loved by both of his parents. Now, enter exH number 2. I tried to make the same arrangements with him when we started our divorce. Granted, the circumstances surrounding our break up were more complicated, and hurtful (he cheated on me) but, I was willing to forget all of that and be civil with him for Victor's sake. Well, exH #2 came from an "intact" family, and grew up in a "normal" home. It is my thought that he had no understanding of what our decisions might do to our son, or how he might feel should he not see his Father. exH#2 has abandoned his son, and with extra hard work, and love on my part, I know he will turn out as his brother has. It doesnt take away the nights the baby cries asking where his Daddy is. It wont take away the baby's feeling of loss now, and when he is older. Please folks, no matter how mad you are at your estranged spouse, keep it civil and clean for your kid's. Victor has many positive male role models, including exH#1. exH#1 and his new wife, pick Victor up every other week when they come and get Joey (they have Joey every week) They felt bad for Victor and wanted to make sure he felt like he was going somewhere too, and didnt feel left out. I wouldnt trade these people for the world... neither would my kids. the baby calls them Aunt and Uncle. Wouldnt you rather be remembered as a loving, positive force to a child, than an absent, and/or yelling maniac? THEY (the kids) are important, not us. On other boards (not this one) I have seen so many vindictive parents out there that use their kids as pawns. It is so much easier to be nice. Too bad exH2 hasnt figured this out yet. All I can say is, that in the end, Victor will know that I tried to make things easier, and never kept him from his Father, it was the other way around. Hope this helped at least one person. Blessings, Sue
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"Don't Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys"
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Onyx
old hand
Reged: 08/03/04
Posts: 816
Loc: Buffalo NY
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wanted to clarify, when I say exH#1 has Joey every week, I meant every weekend. The post was too old to edit, and I hadnt caught it until now.
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"Don't Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys"
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Diane67
enthusiast
Reged: 08/14/04
Posts: 341
Loc: California
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My children are a little older, 16 and 15. I have really been trying hard to be civil about the whole mess. I've told my children if I start saying mean things about your father, please tell me. I think I've been doing pretty good. My daughter has told me my H is not as nice. She has called him on the carpet for it too! Go baby!
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iowagirl
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/04
Posts: 9
Loc: iowa
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Wow - your ex #1 and his wife sound like real gems. How nice for your children.
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Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
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Onyx
old hand
Reged: 08/03/04
Posts: 816
Loc: Buffalo NY
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:) Yes, it is, and thank u!
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"Don't Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys"
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Grace
addict
Reged: 08/19/04
Posts: 404
Loc: KY
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Oh Onyx, this was the first time I read this post. . . it almost made me cry. Me and my ex started the same way. Despite all of our hard feelings towards one another, we were so good in front of our son & soon we actually became such good friends again. Our little boy was happier than he had ever been.
Once he (my ex) met this new woman, all of the good things flew out the window. Not only does he allow this woman to talk badly about me to our son, he does it too. I swear I never saw this comming. I just don't understand what's happened to him. I don't understand how he could have forgotten all that we've been through for the sake of our little boy. We went through so much together that first year just to keep him alive (he was born at 24 weeks & his life was touch and go for so long). In those days neither one of us would have dreamed of doing anything to make our son's fragile little life any harder.
I just don't understand how it ever came to this. I've never forgot, not one day. I don't see why he would have drug our son into any ill feelings he may have for me, or ill feeling that his g/f has for me. And to think I was SO NICE to this woman. It's not my fault she's jealous. I didn't cause her issues & neither did my son.
I just don't understand.
I hope more than anything that my ex will snap out of it soon and remember what we fought so hard for. Maybe in 6 months after the DVO expires, we can talk about all of this (me and my ex). I just don't know if he'll ever speak to me again & if he stays with this woman, I KNOW he never will, especially since she has told me that he will NEVER speak to me again, unless it is through her. Well, I've refused to speak with her, so where does that leave us? It is such a shame. Our little guy doesn't deserve this.
Onyx, you are so blessed with exH #1 & his wife.
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Dyslexic agnostics don't believe in Dog.
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Onyx
old hand
Reged: 08/03/04
Posts: 816
Loc: Buffalo NY
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((((More Cyber Hugs for Grace))))) He will snap out of it. Its a shame that there will be time wasted until he does. If this woman is anything like my ex's first GF he had after we split, it is likely that he will dump her when he has had enough. (Number 1's GF called me an [censored] in front of Joey who was only 4 at the time- and that was the breaker for him... he told her that NO ONE will disrespect the Mother of his child ESPECIALLY in front of him) I still see this woman from time to time in the stores and such and not a word is exchanged between us. If he had it in him to be proper and good before this woman came along, that doesnt go away. His sense will come back. Just keep gently reminding him about the way it used to be between the two of you. Good luck. I will be sending good positive energy your way. Love and Blessings, Onyx (Sue)
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"Don't Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys"
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iowagirl
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/04
Posts: 9
Loc: iowa
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Grace - my oldest was born at 26 weeks! They are truly miracles, aren't they?
I am reading a good book about children and divorce. The author makes a great point that sometimes you have to see your relationship with your ex as business. Period. Perhaps sometime down the road he will come to his senses and you may even be friends but today it might help to treat him as an acquaintance or co worker simply to save your own heart some grief. My two cents.
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Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
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Grace
addict
Reged: 08/19/04
Posts: 404
Loc: KY
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Thanks & I appreciate your 'two cents'.
Right now my ex isn't allowed to contact me or come within 500ft. I just hope that the next 6 months under the DVO will be enough time to calm him down. I can't stand us being this way towards one another. I could handle a business relationship with him. It would be wonderful compared to what we are now. . . just as long as he has his son's best interest at heart. He needs to pull his head out of his g/f's a** and quit acting like a jerk! (a step in the right direction) :)
Yes, they are little miracles. . . I hope your 26 weeker is doing great!
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Dyslexic agnostics don't believe in Dog.
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iowagirl
recently joined
Reged: 09/27/04
Posts: 9
Loc: iowa
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My 26 weeker is 9 years old - healthy, happy and beautiful! I hope your's is the same.
I don't know why previously reasonable people seem to take leave of their faculties after a divorce. My ex has actually contacted an attorney to try and get primary custody from me. His reason? I'm getting remarried. Oh right - leaving their mother, school district, home of 6 years, neighborhood and future step father (whom they are very fond of) to live with him, his girlfriend, her 3 kids in a small house in a different town/school district - that's a much better idea. Idiot.
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Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
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