Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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Alright guys.... I've got a dilemma. In the grand scheme of things its a wonderful dilemma to have, and I do realize that, its just scary nonetheles.
The xSO is now the BF. Last month we took a roadtrip to Charleston, he spilled his heart out to me, and everything he's said or done the last 6 mos or so has shown he's got a changed attitude about life. We've talked about how things were the last time and resolved and apologized for a lot of mistakes on both sides.
I'm nervous, but happy. He's my best friend and he's opened up to me in ways he never did before. Last nite while we were sitting on the front porch and having one of our usual talks, he asked, for the 2nd time, if I would put my engagement ring back on.
I responded on instinct with a quick no. I think that ring symbolizes something very important and I think its too soon after getting back together. I asked him if things were going ok as they were and he said yes, and I said we had time - no rush, and he backpedaled and said it was just a question.
I've been thinking about it all day. I pulled out all my tools and started finishing up a house project today and thats what I tend to do when I'm working something over in my head. I finally got brave and talked to my mother about it, and she came up with a couple of things that I'd not considered. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone out here would think she's on to something. Basically she said its one of two things, or its both of these things:
-He's nervous about losing me. I've not changed my normal routine to one where I'm on his doorstep every day or cking in with him. We thoroughly enjoy our time together but my time doesn't revolve around his availability.
-He's showing me that he's ready for a committment to me by the changes he's made in his life, and he wants me to demonstrate my committment by wearing the ring. We have discussed the possibility of getting married when the boys are older, but I don't like to get wrapped up in the future what-ifs. I just want to live in the present and enjoy how great things are right now, because life can change on a dime.
I don't know..... I guess I'm making wearing a nice piece of jewelry into some kind of drama. Its not like putting it on means we'd get married next year or even the year after. I guess I'm just scared. Things are going sooooo well now, and the last time I put that ring on things went down hill.
Anyone with any insight?
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2092
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It's my theory that time reveals all. If and when you are ready to put the ring on you will know it. It's wonderful that he is treating you better and appreciating you more. Six months isn't quite enough time to see if it is a temporary or permanent change though. If he is a little nervous about keeping you then he is more likely to continue to work to make the relationship last.
My suggestion would be to let him know that you are committed to making the relationship work, but would like to wait on the ring until you are closer to a time you would actually like to get married. Just out of curiousity would he be willing to wear a promise ring as well?
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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First let me tell you how happy i am that there is this second chance for you guys to work things out. I got a wonderful heartfelt apology from my x SO this week on running away from our relationship instead of facing the issues and working things out. I'd be happy but it's too late to matter. He's married (since last October) and I'm pregnant so it's all water under the bridge.
Second your bf might be scared of losing you. It happened once but I don't blame you for taking things slow. There are a lot of issues to work out before you consider yourself engaged again. Make sure it's that he's afraid of losing you and not afraid of being alone or of uncharted water. I'm not trying to be mean in saying that. Just do what feels right for you.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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Renee:
That's WONDERFUL!! I'm so happy for you that your guy is actually putting his proverbial money where his mouth is. A rarity, I'm learning ;)
I think both of your moms observations have some element of truth in them.
I think it's possible that he is, indeed, looking for a level of "commitment" from you on par with his level of commitment in changing things. And that your reticence to wear the ring may indicate to him that you're less certain/secure/believing in your mutual future than he is. On the other hand, I tend to find that sometimes people can only change/modify their behavior for periods of time. And maybe it's possible that you wearing the ring indicates that he's "won you over" and maybe he can relax a little. Not saying he's not genuine in his actions/thoughts, but maybe it is a strain and that if you were wearing the ring, he'd feel like "whoo, okay, that's a hurdle past".
Does any of that make any sense? I think it's very much a catch-22. You can probably work it over a thousand ways in your own mind as to what this means, or that means, or what the repercussions/ramifications are of doing this or that. Lord knows I would be doing that if I were you (as you well know, lol) ;)
My personal take? Without getting into any of the mental ruminations on it? Whatever your GUT says? That's what you should go with. If your GUT has any "well, but I'm worried about ______", then the time isn't right to put the rng back on.
When your GUT (not your heart, not your mind) isn't sending out any niggling "welllllllll........" signals, THAT will be the right time for you.
That's what my gut says ;)
Wishing all the best... from the bottom of my heart :)
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Very slow.
I always enjoy a happy ending however "happily ever after has to be part of that.
I would look at the reasons you split up.
How do his sons behave now?
How often is he out doing the BMX thing?
If you dropped by his place unannounced how would you find the place? Acceptable or a pit?
If he raises the question again I would tell him you need time to evaluate the situation and work out whether you find his lifestyle acceptable.
One thing you cannot forget is the way his sons treated you. That would be a deal breaker for me. When my s/son gets in my face my DH is right there in HIS. He doesn't care if his son feels his father is choosing his 2nd wife over his own flesh and blood. No one berates me or gets in my face in my home. He will not allow it.
I suspect (as we all do) some of the frustrations that caused you to ask him to leave have dimmed in your memory. SO do me a favour. Search back over your old posts and see what life was like. Has he really changed that much?
This is what you posted in December 2006....
>>>I spend almost 2 yrs with a man. He moves himself and his kids into my childless house. We get engaged. The three of them are slobs, and our dating / sex life wittles down to non-existent while still under the same roof. My financial situation goes in the dumper because I keep helping him out while he blows $$ on BMX, my stress level goes thru the roof dealing with the drama of an out of control child that dad refused to acknowledge WAS out of control. I get tired of being nothing more than the roommate, wallet and maid, while getting disrespected for my efforts by a kid who is just mouthy enough to me that dad doesn't hear him, and I tell dad they need to move.<<<<
So what has changed? What is really different now?
There is nothing wrong with letting bad memories dim. That is normal. If it didn't happen we would all only have one child because there is no way in h3ll anyone would volunterally go thru child birth more than once.
Think long and hard about it. He may just miss the thought of "you two". He may miss having someone to fall back on if he forgets stuff. Or he may truely have made life changes including his sons.
Oh and please, make sure you both have health checks before any intimacy. Just as somethign you can both use to build the trust back into your lives again.
I wish you luck, I truely do. I was lucky enough to get my now-DH back after he split up with me for a while. He flew half was around the world to ask me to marry him. I know the happiness and joy you feel that your life may just get back to where you wanted it to always be. Dreams are free, reality can cost.
Best of luck Renee. And check out his kids. Their behaviour would be a deal breaker for me.
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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"If he is a little nervous about keeping you then he is more likely to continue to work to make the relationship last."
I think that he should have to work at showing you that he has changed for awhile longer.
I also partially agree w/ Kiwi. I think that he has changed.. Getting diagnosed and the proper meds, is life-changing BUT the drama that surrounds his life will not change.
He still lets BM walk all over him AND that will effect any joining of your financials.
You are loving and giving but you are also able to look at a situation and weigh what the short-term and long-term consequences of your actions will be.
Your BF doesn't always weigh all the factors which might be one of the reasons you love him but it is also what causes the problems.
This relationship needs time.. Take it slow.. Neither of you are going anywhere. Enjoy the path of love; no need to race to the end.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
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focusedon2
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 12/10/05
Posts: 2136
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Congratulations. I wish you well. I ditto what every one else says. Take it slow.
My ex asked me to marry him right after I returned from a trip to Cancun. I know that his cousin (who wanted us to marry) lead him to believe I met someone there.
He says it had nothing to do with it but we had been dating 10 years and he suddenly popped the question.
I would take it very slow if I were you. When a man is afraid of losing someone, he can make all kinds of promises.
The question is - can he keep them?
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preemiemom
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
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[quote]BUT the drama that surrounds his life will not change.
He still lets BM walk all over him AND that will effect any joining of your financials.
------------->>>>>>>>>>> Excellent observation PR! Just a curiosity question, sorry if I haven't been paying close enough attention and this is a dumb question: Is he working with someone in terms of how he deals with BM?
From what you and I have discussed, as you know, THAT can be a major, major major hurdle to get over.. and you also have the "3rd party" factor in that while you may be able to control you, and he may be able to control him, neither of you can control how BM reacts to any changes in how he deals with her.. which can cause a strain on you guys. Stbx DID try, for a hot second, to modify how he dealt with the ex... her solution to that little problem in her program was to just turn up the volume. If you have a 3rd party who is just bound and determined to make someone else's life difficult, there comes a point where the person whose life is being made difficult may have to make choices.. or just be perpetually being made miserable, either which way, can cause a negative aspect on whoever they are currently with.
Your BF doesn't always weigh all the factors which might be one of the reasons you love him but it is also what causes the problems.[/quote]
-------->>>> LOL, sorry PR I have to laugh. Renee and I are alot alike in that we probably picked polar opposites. We're probably "overthinkers" and I think we probably gravitate towards those who DON'T do that.. and while it can seem like a great balance, in reality, it can cause a LOT of conflict b/c somewhere, inherently, we're hoping the person we're with WILL think things through a little more, and then are disappointed when they don't.
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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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I doesn't seem to be exactly that, PM..
When you look at how Renee approaches problems; she deals w/ them head-on.. The BEST example would be when she kicked SO out even though she did/does love him.
BF is non-confrontational. As exhibited when the BM pulled that whole hospital billing thing which ended up affecting his credit. He never confronted BM and I think ended up paying the bill.
I am not pointing fingers; I am like her BF.
Many of the problems will go away on their own. BF's kids are almost grown so he and BM will have less and less interaction. He has his own home so the boys will never have to move in w/ Renee again.
I believe they are soulmates. Eventually, the right time will come.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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Ok... I'm going to try and hit on the points everyone made because there were some good ones....
Kiwi:
How do his sons behave now?
-->Polite but friendly. The oldest one is the biggest change - I've heard him not only say Please and Thank you to his dad, but to his little brother(*gasp*) and to ME. I don't spend a lot of time with them because they seem to have much more active social lives than they did when they lived here. The interaction we do have is fine, and dad has cracked down on them in a lot of ways. I've watched to see if he's putting on a show for me, but there are times when he hasn't realized I've been near, and his attitude and the boys attitudes are still the same. Dad has the control and they *know* dad has the control, which is light years from where it was.
How often is he out doing the BMX thing?
--> 3x this summer so far. Big decrease. Dad seems to be more concerned with the bills than running to a race. He's also tied the oldest racing to his behavior, which he was never willing to do before. Best of all, he has only asked me one time to come to a race - next weekends is a Regional and its local - and he asked "if I had time" and then let it drop. Big change.
If you dropped by his place unannounced how would you find the place? Acceptable or a pit?
--->You know what? Its amazing how a persons attitude towards housekeeping changes when their name is actually on the deed. Its not spotless, but its clean enough to eat at the dining room table. The oldest actually has CHORES (OMG!) which is to do the dishes and straighten out the kitchen daily. It gets done.
One thing you cannot forget is the way his sons treated you. That would be a deal breaker for me.
---> It was a deal breaker for me too - it was the oldest lip that was the impetus to tell him to move out. Dad and I have discussed this, and while there has not been an occasion where dad has to yank the kid back in line for disrespecting me, so far I'm thinking that he will yank if necessary. Before, the kid wasn't just mouthy to me, but mouthy to dad too. When dad came out of the insulin haze he finally realized how bad the kids attitude was towards everyone, and he doesn't tolerate any of it anymore. I'm waiting to see what happens if and when the kids gets out of line with me.
Debi:
Make sure it's that he's afraid of losing you and not afraid of being alone or of uncharted water.
---> I've thought of that. He was alone for a good year or so after his divorce before he started dating (not me). Early during our split he had a couple of blind dates that nothing came of. He knows how to be alone. Last month the oldest and the oldest best friend were trying to set him up with best friends mom. I've heard of this woman before and she is a Chaos Queen - divorced, alcoholic, 2 out of control kids and unemployed. She's looking for a meal ticket, thought she had a line on one in dad, and pulled out the stops to land him. After a 4th of July bbq and one lunch date with her he says he realized it was time to quit trying to ignore how he felt about me and go for broke. Thats when we went to Charleston.
Matilda:
Just out of curiousity would he be willing to wear a promise ring as well?
---> Good question. I think he would. Unfortunately right now the only ring I could give him is my XHs wedding band. I don't think that would go over well, do you? lolol
PR and PM about the BM:
He did confront her about the hospital bill finally. She made a promise to pay 1/2 at $50 a month - whether she's kept to that or not I don't know. I really don't want to know. I guess its because the parameters of our relationship have changed so much that I don't worry about the BM, or even the boys as much as I used to. Its because the boys don't live here, because I have no financial or "parental" responsibility for them anymore, and since my finances aren't tied to his anymore, the BM isn't a problem for me. She is His XW and he can deal with her however He sees fit - her chaos no longer affects me. I've adopted the attitude that he is a grown man, and If he chooses to let things slide and be taken advantage of by her, thats his choice. However, if he expands that attitude towards the rest of his life, then I will have an issue.
In any case, I think I'm just going to make a point when we're together of reassuring him that I'm not going anywhere and that I'm happy with the way things are now. Why wouldn't I be? I've got my place, he's got his, I can go see him when I want to and then come back to my own space when I want to. I can stay at work as late as I want, I can wander around my house in my underwear if I want to, stay up til midnite or sleep in til 12 if I feel like it. This is *h*e*a*v*e*n.
:o)
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