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focusedon2
Pooh-Bah
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Reged: 12/10/05
Posts: 2136
My vent
      #271479 - 08/05/07 01:11 PM

As our court day approaches, I find myself feeling a way I did not anticipate.

I was afraid that I would be filled with regrets for our lost marriage. I was hoping I would just feel indifferent. It has, after all, been 4 years.

But instead I feel an increasing rage.

Even hatred.

I can't wait to be free from him even though, of course, nothing is really going to change. Just a piece of paper saying we are no longer partners when we know we haven't been really been partners for years. Of course, he knew we weren't partners for a lot longer than I had known. I guess that doesn't matter any more.

What I do feel regret for is one very bad decision I made when it became clear to me our marriage was ending. I made the decision out of fear and desperation. Now I hate myself for that decision and I know that fuels my anger for him. It's been 4 years and I can't sometimes I still can't stop myself from crying.

Maybe I think the final divorce decree will be what will completely sever me from my past and that will allow healing.

Or maybe some things you just don't heal from. Maybe I was always naive because I was young and scar-free. Then you age and just like you get scars on your flesh that never go away, there are scars on the soul that are the same way. You learn to live with them. You learn not to think about them. But one day you look down at your arm or your leg or look at your face in the mirror and you realize that damn scar is still there - now a permanent part of who you are.

Maybe the good thing about that is that I realize that it's a natural part of life - and I will be better at seeing people for who they really are (myself included), scars and all. I'm not so sure of that. I just hope it's true.


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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7155
Re: My vent [Re: focusedon2]
      #271506 - 08/05/07 02:30 PM

Or maybe some things you just don't heal from. Maybe I was always naive because I was young and scar-free. Then you age and just like you get scars on your flesh that never go away, there are scars on the soul that are the same way. You learn to live with them. You learn not to think about them. But one day you look down at your arm or your leg or look at your face in the mirror and you realize that damn scar is still there - now a permanent part of who you are.


-----> I'm printing and keeping this part of your post. It's completely how I feel now.

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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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JustMeAndThree
old hand
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Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
Re: My vent x 2 [Re: Debi]
      #271513 - 08/05/07 02:42 PM

I'm not as far into the divorce as you are but I too have a court date approaching (the 13th) This will be our initial/temp. hearing. I go through a circus of emotions...regret, disdain, anger, fear, apprehension, elation, Sometimes I wanna tear his throat out and others I fear sorry for him becuase he's such a miserable human being. I can't wait to have some kind of a court order, even temporary, to lay the foundation and that is legally enforceable. But at the same time I'm scared to death...scared of what that court order will CONTAIN. I'm tired of feeling like I have to play nice so he can't use it against me in court. I'm not sure that somethign like this is every something you completely get over. I agree with you about scars. Especially after having given so much of yourself to someone for so long, you can never completely get it back. I believe you leave with a little less in some ways and a little more in other.

--------------------
Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.


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freedom123
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Reged: 05/21/07
Posts: 528
Re: My vent x 2 [Re: JustMeAndThree]
      #271522 - 08/05/07 03:05 PM

It's really hard getting through things but I think mine is just about over...whatever I felt for my STBX is dead. I get angry sometimes over some things but mostly I just live my life and it's turning out to be quite wonderful. I do get angry that I have to deal with OW...but honestly, I would be perfectly happy if he'd just end things with this woman and find someone decent and kind...not a drug addict and psycho. But I rarely have to deal with her anyway since he has NOTHING to do with his children and she cannot be around my kids still. The little twit tried to start something with me yesterday at our auction selling our farm but I took the high road and only called her trash in my head and ignored her outwardly. :-) Life is getting much better and I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel now.

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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
Re: My vent [Re: focusedon2]
      #271528 - 08/05/07 03:23 PM

Focus,

You have been mature and rational about his affair and the whole divorce.

Every day you force yourself back up on to the high road. You accomodate his changes in schedules, you accomodate his anxieties, you even take time to worry about his new job and his health..

You skipped so many of the 7 stages of grieving for the end of your marriage. You haven't dealt with the anger or the sadness; you just pushed it down deep inside.

I have gotten to the crying just this summer. I haven't been able to feel my anger yet. I know it must be in there somewhere; I obviously am not ready to face it.

Your feelings are normal. You have been the voice of reason to many of us that would otherwise give in to our emotional immature urges to strike back at our EXz for their infidelity.

You are allowed your grief and your anger. It is a healthy response for what you have (and are) going through..

--------------------
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato


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Badasp
addict
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
Re: My vent [Re: Debi]
      #271535 - 08/05/07 03:36 PM

I've noticed there are a fair amount of divorced women that carry that scar forward to their next potential relationship expecting that all men are pretty much the same, cheating, lying, controlling, drinking, drugs, or can't stop thinking about their ex...

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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7155
Re: My vent [Re: Badasp]
      #271576 - 08/05/07 05:15 PM

I don't put all men in the same box and expect the same from each one. I don't wear my scars like a badge and think about all of the things my x SO did to hurt me. (my divorce is so far in the past that I've completely moved on from that) It's only when I get hurt again that I re-examine them.

Here are a few examples. I fell in love last fall, we talked about marriage, talked about where we wanted to get married, looked at rings and then my birth control failed and I never heard from him after I told him. Then there was a man I dated briefly last summer. It was a very casual thing and not at all intimate. Since then he has contacted me 3 seperate times after not hearing from him for awhile. The 2nd time was early spring shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I was very upfront about it and he really didn't care. He still wanted to see me. A few weeks later I got an e-mail telling me someone else he dated had come back in his life and he was confused but wanted to persue things with her. No problem, I simply left him alone. A few weeks ago he contacted me again. It didn't work out with this other woman, he couldn't believe he was so stupid but was glad he had such a good friend in me that he could talk to about anything. We went out last weekend and 2 days later I got an e-mail telling me he didn't want to casually date or be friends with anyone. He wants a lover. I wrote back and told him I wished him the best of luck in his search and that I was sorry he didn't want a friend but that he is well aware I'm in no position either physically or emotionally to be anyone's lover. In a few months when he contacts me I won't be answering him again. Most of the other men I've dated or even talked to do seem to only want one thing and I guess they figure since I'm a lonely single mom I'll give it to them. Not going to happen.

I still don't think all men are alike. I KNOW there are good ones out there, but I already know that I will welcome fewer of them into my life from now on because I will be a lot more cautious about trusting or caring about anyone.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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Badasp
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
Re: My vent [Re: Debi]
      #271588 - 08/05/07 05:41 PM

Debi,

Did not mean to paint with a broad brush but you make an excellent comment that makes it very difficult for somewhat normal guys to be successful dating divorced women. They also have been through the process with men after their divorce and maybe met a few nice guys who reveal their ugly side after a few dates or maybe it takes you well into a relationship to discover if these are show stoppers or just hicups that you can deal with. I seem to have the luck, they appear very nice and then the venom comes out about how their ex is a jerk and the last 3 guys they have dated only wanted one thing. All guys want that one thing, but most also want companionship and some stability in their life. I think women want similar things, we just can't seem to find each other! I think all those women are staying home and the ones that are looking for a well off guy, that will give a guy what he wants (as long as the money is spent)are the one's hanging out in the bars.

My vent for the day...


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willybillie
enthusiast
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Reged: 05/19/06
Posts: 377
Re: My vent [Re: Badasp]
      #271607 - 08/05/07 06:20 PM

Bad...You wrap things up well. Concise to the point, and on target.
In the last 2 weeks I have been appointed to the board of two single groups with membership each of over 200. I know there are more single people, just in my development than that(LOL).
I spend over 8hrs calling the ones that didn't have an email address, and wanted to find out why they don't come out to the activities we have..dinners, dances, discussions etc. The feedback for the 42 I did personally talk to(others I left messages to call me...only 15 have so far.ugh)
told me why they don't come. The reasons they don't come are listed in order.

1)Tired of Looking for Mr or Mrs.Right
2)Not up to their standards
3)Tired of chasing a woman or a man
3)Competition
4)Happy the way things are in their lives
5)Do not want to run the risk of getting hurt
6)Joined the group, but still hurting from the fallout of their divorce, or breakup with a SO
7)Involved with their kids..No time
8)20% of the ones I talked too are actively dating. If that's the average then approx. 80 of the 400 are dating now.
9)Expense of traveling to and from the events.
10)Just don't feel like it

I have been given a budget of $1000.00 to try and increase membership/get more people coming/keep the people we have.

I have in the 2 weeks, gotten banners that I am putting up near malls, magnetic signs, placemats in restaurants, cards that I have put up on bulletin boards, and put ads in church bulletins.

Any ideas would be appreciated. Thank you all.


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willybillie
enthusiast
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Reged: 05/19/06
Posts: 377
Re: My vent [Re: Debi]
      #271611 - 08/05/07 06:28 PM

Deb,

I know you are and have gone thru some rough times with men, but please don't give up on us. I would rather hold hands, hug, (wait a minute..Moon River playing..My favorite along with the theme from Summer Place)put my arm around a lady, kiss, then have sex. Maybe it's because I've gotten older, but companionship with or without sex is #1 on my top 10 list.

I hope the cliche nice guys finish last doesn't hold true for me. It's too bad there are so many irresponsible men out there that rain on our parade. I hope what I'm saying makes sense. I have a hard time sometimes putting my thought down on type.


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