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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Re: My vent [Re: willybillie]
      #271614 - 08/05/07 06:45 PM

I think I know what you are saying. The only problem is that the ones of us who are alike and want the same things hang out at home.

So, where do we meet up?


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preemiemom
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Reged: 01/17/07
Posts: 19391
Re: My vent [Re: willybillie]
      #271633 - 08/05/07 07:14 PM

[quote]I hope the cliche nice guys finish last doesn't hold true for me. It's too bad there are so many irresponsible men out there that rain on our parade. I hope what I'm saying makes sense. I have a hard time sometimes putting my thought down on type. [/quote]

WB:

I had to respond to your post. First, a funny/weird note. Until I saw a posting with your geographic location, I thought you were MY stbx, lol. Same name (if your name here is your name.. and either version would work as stbx goes by both). Then I thought maybe you were his friend lurking (he ALSO has the same name, both versions).

Anyhoo, on the "nice guys finish last" theme. I would say stbx feels like he fits into that category. No matter who he tries to please, he ends up hurting someone in the process.. that someone is typically me, since I came along 2nd, I guess.

For me, when I married stbx, I married him BECAUSE he was a nice guy. He was totally different than anyone I'd dated or previously married. The consummate family man, if he said he'd call at 5pm, he called at 5pm, not 4:59 or 5:01, 5pm on the dot. He never went drinking with the boys, or went to the track or OTB. He didn't ogle girls out at the mall or whatever. He lived to be at home, with his family.

Unfortunately, what I learned in that, was that if you marry a "nice guy", make sure you're the FIRST person he marries since his obligation of being "nice" will always lie with that person, even if they no longer love them, as long as the have the bond of a child there.

I suppose it makes a difference WHO they were married to first (in my case, she makes Attila the Hun look like Miss Manners), but I no longer believe there are "nice guys".

To refer back to something 1004 said... I was married previously and in long term relationships and I held no ill will or emotional "baggage" towards men in general or to relationships at large.

I think; however, this one left a scar where the others didn't. I could look at any previous failures and take something positive from them. In this one, I just sooo seriously misjudged someone else, and had my faith in myself (through the eyes of my stbx) totally and completely obliterated in terms of relationships, that I can't ever see myself as being a viable relationship candidate to anyone ever again.

Stbx once told me after we split if he couldn't make it work with me he couldn't make it work with anyone. I feel the same way. If I couldn't make it work with the person who was supposed to be my soulmate, the person I truly, with every marrow of my being believed I would be with for life, then I can't see it working with anyone else either. I believe so strongly in that, that even with our divorce papers FILED and pending completion any day now, I'm still trying to work to FIX what went wrong and realizing that no matter what? I'll always be 2nd... if I even rank at all. The question now is whether I want to live like that the rest of my life, rather than just be alone, while still having to be tied to that person for life ANYWAY due to our child. (and we have another at least 16 years to go).


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willybillie
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Reged: 05/19/06
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Re: My vent [Re: 1004SRS]
      #271657 - 08/05/07 07:56 PM

SRS

BINGO!! YOUR RIGHT ON THE MARK.


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Patrice
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Reged: 07/21/06
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Re: My vent [Re: willybillie]
      #271680 - 08/05/07 09:26 PM

WB, I just attended a "singles dance" and having never been to one before did not know what to expect. It was kind of like going to a wedding, but paying to get in, paying for drinks, and being checked out by people. LOTS of dancing going on, which was fine, but I think I'd prefer a "chatting" situation more than a dancing one. Would love to come across a group that has outings in addition to dances. Also, it seemed like most of the people were regulars and content with their groups. Not sure whether I'd go again, but it was nice for the ego to get some looks and a few dance invitations. Good luck with your leadership role!

--------------------
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.


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willybillie
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Reged: 05/19/06
Posts: 377
Re: My vent [Re: Patrice]
      #271687 - 08/05/07 09:46 PM

Patrice, you just describe our dances!..>lol>>.

I have only been to 2 now(we hold them every month) and your right there are definite clicks. Yes, it did feel like a wedding. Only difference...cash bar. We charge $6 for members and $8 for the public and we usually get about 95-105 people I hear.

Now that I have the responsiblity of overseeing these events, it's hard to come up with an "instant change" that will make it better. Can't see how to change it as yet.

Our group offers, BBQ's, kickball,volleyball,dinners out,discussion groups and a lot more. I really haven't felt like dancing until last week, and only because I saw someone I liked. Found out the guy she was with was her BF, and is unavailable. Oh well.

Look into your local chapter of PWP(Parents w/o Partners) and see what they offer. Take care.


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willybillie
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Reged: 05/19/06
Posts: 377
Re: My vent [Re: preemiemom]
      #271692 - 08/05/07 10:06 PM

Preemie, I'm not your stbx,but we share something in common..LOL>> My hangup as some call it, is I have an obsession to be punctual. I am like him (my X will tell you)I always arrive either on time or early, never late. Didn't think anyone was like that. Scary.

You really got me thinking as to whether or not I can give someone what I gave to my Former wife. I also thought she was my soulmate for life. I used to tell her all the time that my love for her was "chiseled" into my heart forever.

I am trying sooooooooo hard to block her out. I am tired of the heartache that comes with friggin divorce.

I figure by getting involved in as much as I can, it will take my mind off of her.

I really underestimated what divorce takes out of you emotionally and sometimes physically. I know I have fallen off the horse, but it's a tough transition to get back on.

Let's hope all our futures will be smoother than our past.


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Debi
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7154
Re: My vent [Re: Badasp]
      #271708 - 08/05/07 10:45 PM

Badasp amd WB,

I want both of you to know that I don't blame men for the issues I'm having regarding relationships. I know I have a lot to work on myself. When I talk about men who only want one thing I'm talking about the ones who ask my bra size and other very personal sexual questions before we even meet. (internet meetings) I don't expect to be taken out and have a lot of money (or any money) spent on me. I'm perfectly okay going 'dutch". I knowthere are really wonderful guys out there, I've just had a hard time finding one. I think it's one of those cases of "Stop looking and let 'it' find you." I do know that since I have (soon to be) 4 kids and since I'm almost 40 and my oldest is 13 it will take someone with a lot of patience. Most of the men in my age range have kids that are a lot closer to being on their own than mine are. I had my first at 25 and a lot of people started at 20 so they are done with this part of their lives. It makes it a lot more complicated.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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Badasp
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Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
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Re: My vent [Re: Debi]
      #271711 - 08/05/07 11:08 PM

Debi,

Those are not typical questions of a normal guy. Like I said, I think the "normal" guys and gals are hard to find because they are tired of the "BS" they find at bars, online chats, clubs, etc. Seems like there is a culture of pros that frequent them and the guys want to get right down to one thing, maybe the gals expect it in that environment? Don't know, I do know when ever I go into a bar with some friends and I see single women coming in and hugging the bartender, and a bunch of other guys, I think that they are a regular and I never want to be part of that group...

Maybe I need to start a business with Willie, we will cook the women (and kids) dinner and then fix things around the house. That way we can meet the one's that stay home!


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Drew
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Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
Re: My vent [Re: Badasp]
      #271762 - 08/06/07 09:27 AM

I read all of these posts and personally find some truth in each one.

Does anyone else consider our age and level of experience? After all when young and naieve anything is possible and there is always a way.........

Now, as veterans our perspectives are altered. Experience has made more of the realist out of us. I always wondered why old people were so grumpy when I was a kid. I now realize they weren't being grumpy, just honest, without any patronizing. They no longer have time for BS.

After 24 yrs.(with x) and myself now 42, I have a hard time conceiving of any possibility of another meaningful relationship. I have 3 children to raise. 3 children with a very concise idea about who is or isn't their mom or dad, who does or doesn't "belong" together. Not to mention having spent a lifetime with someone you come to know so completely and have for so long identified with. Being a husband and a father (me) until it seems that is all you know, all that you are, what you have become.

To meet someone at this age, with all of our collective past, water under the bridge, must surely overwhelm the bridge. I don't know. I am not really jaded, just not very hopeful about the ability to ever meet someone that I can relate to, feel a bond with, share myself completely with, ever again.

--------------------
"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell


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Debi
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7154
Re: My vent [Re: Badasp]
      #271804 - 08/06/07 11:13 AM

You know you might have a point on the venue being the problem. It's obvious that the internet and bars aren't the places to meet normal people of either sex so where do we go? I like your business idea!

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


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