Start Your Divorce Today - Premium Divorce Online


Divorce Source Community Forums >> Life After Divorce

Jump to first unread post. Pages: 1 | 2 | >> (show all)
CiCi
addict
**

Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
State of Mind
      #273679 - 08/10/07 07:39 AM

Hello all. Again, I must apologize for not being active the past couple of weeks. I've literally been so tired from the new job (learning takes a lot out of a person : -) that I've gone home and crashed each night! The job, however, is GREAT! For the first time in more than 6 months, I actually love going to work again!

I'm missing my baby girl. She's having a great time with her father in California...and I'm a little worried that she doesn't miss me or her life here. For a youngin as she is, it's really great to go into "vacation mode" for several weeks. I think I'm feeling a tad bit insecure that she'll come back to reality (home) and want to go back out there to live with him. Not to sound competitive, but that would KILL me. On the other hand, he moved away from her, so I doubt he would even want her to come live with her full time (selfish b@stard!).

I'm tired...and that's not helping my state of mind. I continue to have dreams where I am in victim mentality. Most of the time, it's about my ex being surrounded by all good things and me being pathetic and left in the dust. Last night, I drempt that the house was falling apart - one thing would break down, then another and so on. In the dreams, I'm continually taken advantage of by various people - because I can't say no, yet I know that in not saying no, I compromise a healthy state of mind.

I know that it just takes time...and I guess there's nothing I can do to rush it. But, is there some coping mechanism that anyone knows of to handle the emotions while I'm waiting for time to work its magic? This morning, for example, after last night's dream, I feel pummeled. Isn't that bizzare?!?

Really, I'm tired of being in victim mentality...is it as simple as just making up my mind NOT to go there? And then I think...if I consciously give up victim mentality, then how will I be defined? And how will I be percieved - especially by the ex? If I'm no longer the victim, will he suddenly think that I accept what he did to me? In some wierd way...am I hanging onto the victim mentality for sympathy from him or others? And is that in some way human nature? AM I NORMAL OR OFF MY ROCKER?!?

I'm getting panicky - sorry! I'd be very interested in hearing from many of you very intelligent people on this forum about your perspective.

XOXO
CiCi

--------------------
Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 27551
Re: State of Mind [Re: CiCi]
      #273767 - 08/10/07 10:20 AM

You will slowly see your point of view change over time. It is competive, after all you are talking about your child, but trust me, if someone were to ask her where home is, she would point to your house. Fun is fun, but home is home. Right now you are the victim, but I don't think in the literal sense. After my divorce, the divorce was the focus, the why did I deserve that metality, she was selfish, and hurtful in what she did. No remorse, and that just menat how must she have not cared to do that and have no remorse, where is the fairness of that, where is the judge saying she was a bad person, where was the sympathy other victims get. I don't know how to explain it, but over time it just starts to not matter, its like the weather report, I can watch it or not, won't change the weather. I am still not sure I will forgive mine for what she did, but I know its becoming less visible in my life as time goes on. One day you will wake up and you will wonder, why was that so important to me back then, and you will look forward and see a future you can smile about. The days are good, and I am glad you are excited about your new job.

Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Re: State of Mind [Re: Redlegg]
      #273785 - 08/10/07 10:42 AM

I have good days and bad once. Luckily the good ones are starting to outweigh the bad. I usually come here and vent a bit when I have a bad one....

Redlegg, PreemieMom, TXKS, PR, and a few others help get me back on track.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
yregna
veteran
*

Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: State of Mind [Re: CiCi]
      #273793 - 08/10/07 10:51 AM

If she goes to live with him, you'll miss the dough, right ? No more monthly checks.

--------------------
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
CiCi
addict
**

Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
Re: State of Mind [Re: yregna]
      #273871 - 08/10/07 12:33 PM

No, you angry toll - my ex doesn't pay me a dime...no money is exchanged, so I would only be missing my daughter, not a paycheck. Happy now?

--------------------
Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Drew
old hand
**

Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
Re: State of Mind [Re: CiCi]
      #273903 - 08/10/07 01:21 PM

Child support is NOT a paycheck. I don't say that to slight YOU either CiCi. The definition/meaning/purpose of child support is axiomatic. I won't say in practical application that it is always equitable but it is ALWAYS deserved, not by the parent but by the child.

I empathize with you CiCi. The NR parent gets to play disney parent. They don't have to come home trying to make all the pieces fit day to day.

I had bad dreams for about a year. I called them futility dreams because that is how I always felt in them, many of them were recurring. I began to get out of bed at night (after I woke up from one) and write them down in detail while they were still fresh. I would study them later and try to figure out the root of them. I still have my dream diary. What I noticed was a pattern. The pattern was that no matter what happened in those dreams, I kept on trying/fighting back. This realization was a catalyst that stopped the dreams.

Keep your chin up.

--------------------
"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6876
Loc: Texas
Re: State of Mind [Re: CiCi]
      #273905 - 08/10/07 01:27 PM

Of course you are in emotional turmoil. You have gone through alto and having a child to take care of, you havent had much time to think about yourself, or go through the emotions you are now experiencing. You are a good person and I am positive your D will come home and be glad to be there. You are dreaming worse-case problems and that is normal. Your emotional state has to right itself before you will be able to get over and through everything. Just take time for yourself sometimes. You are a great person, CiCi. Take care.

--------------------
I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7155
Re: State of Mind [Re: CiCi]
      #273913 - 08/10/07 01:50 PM

I think your "asleep mind" is telling your "awake mind" what you already know but keep ignoring. You let people take advantage of you. The trick is to say "no". Once you do it a couple of times it will get easier.

As for everything breaking in the house.....how did you handle it in your dream? Did you just stand there and throw your arms in the air or did you continue to find ways to get those things fixed? I think Drew hit on something with the dream journal. Write them down, find a pattern and see what you can figure out from them.

As for missing your daughter. That's so normal, but look at it as one of God's blessings that she's with her dad right now. You just started a new job (and I'm jealous), you are craming all kinds of new things into an already over taxed brain and you get to come home and be a veggie instead of haivng to take care of your daughter. By the time she gets home you'll be more settled in your job. The timing is PERFECT! I don't think there is a parent out there who doesn't worry about their child loving the other parent more or wanting to be with them. CP's whether they are mom's or dad's have to deal with so much of the everyday stuff that we feel we aren't "adored" as much. When my x and I had 50/50 I worried that I wasn't giving the kids as stable a home as him because he was married and they had a "real" home with him. Now that he's not allowed to see them I know they miss him and they talk about him all the time. He has become a saint in their eyes. It drives me crazy but all I can do is smile and let it go.

Things will get easier as time goes by. How long that takes and how much easier depends on you.

--------------------
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
yregna
veteran
*

Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
Re: State of Mind [Re: CiCi]
      #273968 - 08/10/07 03:22 PM

I'm happy if your ex is in a tiny minority, however keep in mind women ALWAYS lie about how much alimony and CS they receive. Especially Alimony....

And they get furious if their friends / family find out how much they receive.

--------------------
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Re: State of Mind [Re: yregna]
      #274075 - 08/10/07 07:54 PM

Sometimes you actually come across as a real, true, caring person. I like that person. He seems really neat.

The rest of the time you should keep your angry trap closed.


Post Extras: Print Post   Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1 | 2 | >> (show all)



Extra information
0 registered and 10 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  dsAdmin 

Print Topic

Forum Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is disabled
      UBBCode is disabled

Rating:
Topic views: 2446

Rate this topic

Jump to

Contact Us Divorce Source Home

*
UBB.threads™ 6.5.1.1


Resources & Tools
Start Your Divorce Online Start Your Divorce
Several Options to Get Started Today.
Divorce Tools Online Divorce Tools
Keeping it Simple to Get the Job Done.
Divorce Downloads Download Center
Instantly Download Books, Guides & Forms.
Divorce and Custody Books Discount Books
Over 100 of the Best Divorce & Custody Books.
Negotiate Online Negotiate Online
Settle your Divorce and Save.
Custody and Support Tracking Custody Scheduling
Make Sure You Document Everything.

Easily Connect With a Lawyer or Mediator
Have Divorce Professionals from Your Area Contact You!
Enter Your Zip Code: