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ELEMO2001
journeyman


Reged: 07/18/07
Posts: 82
getting blamed
      #275599 - 08/14/07 04:13 PM

so hello everyone, once you read this please give your feed back.. as you all know i've just filed for divorce. my X have signed everything except the CS, so thanks to most of your feed backs, i've went ahead and filed my case with DCS. now he is MR. Negotiator, he wants to make a deal so i did settle the CS. however over the last few days he calls me out of blue just to let me know that it was/is my fault for the marriage to fall apart. i wasnt a good wife or wife material as he put. we have been toghere for the last 10yrs were he said it was a joke and waste of time and that he is glad to have moved on. yet he still havent taken the parenting class. his thing is that i didnt contribute anything to the marriage. i've given him nothing and i was a leach, he said that i'm just sucking him dry. in my mind i couldnt come up with anything. i work full time, i drop and pick up my kids (my gift from god) where if he signed them i would throw a big party to celebrate. of course i did the same when we were living with him too. to make the long story short, when we meet he had no car, i use to let him borrow my car where he now claims i'd never let him drive. at the time i had a 97 ford brand new, of course i was crazy in love with him that anything he did was not an issue to top it of i was young. i didnt and still don't care for what he has or don't. i like nice things so i get them my self i want my kids to go to the best school so i enrolled them into private school. in the process of loving him and nothing caring too much of what he put on the table i've lost piece of me now i am regaing it. this kind of comment is not helping at all. i grew up in a different calture and tradition so as a women i had to step aside inorder to become a provider for my family. in my calture a male takes care of all, the way that a person would know that a household is healty is by looking at the wife (the way she dressed, carried herself, the way she looked well feed or not). so knowing that my X wouldnt provide for me and deliver the things that i would need i still loved or love him. he dont see that at all, when i had my kids daycare my mom was available (free of charge) of course he feels that i cant live without my mom that is why i go there every day. when it came including him in everything i've always asked him first but his response was i dont know or i have nothing to say so after a while that gets old. i've being saved since 04 and i am passinate about my envolvment witht he church and studing the word of course he thinks that is just a fake move on my part. or that is just a way to meet a new guy. what i dont get is, what was it that i was suppose to do for him? buy him BMW? home? feed him? dress? what? honestly i just dont get it. it got to me when he told me all the terrible things that he said to me. most of all when he is done talking or yelling he'll hangup the phone so i'd never got a chance to say any thing. how can i be civel with a man who is always mad and bitter?

pleas give me feed back thanks


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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
**

Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Re: getting blamed [Re: ELEMO2001]
      #275603 - 08/14/07 04:22 PM

Ummm, feedback on what? There's really not a question there, or if there is, is so grammatically poor that I can't figure it out.

He's signed off on everything except CS, and he doesn't have to sign that, the state will MAKE him pay guideline support. So everything else is done. So why do you even NEED to talk with him. Exchange the kids for visitation and be done with it. Anything else he says, you don't need to stick around and listen to.

--------------------
Char Fox


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JustMeAndThree
old hand
***

Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
Re: getting blamed [Re: almostheaven]
      #275620 - 08/14/07 04:53 PM

I don't mean this in a bad way but your post really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. To answer the "how can i be civel with a man who is always mad and bitter"...it's easy...only talk when you need to for the children, if the conversation strays...politely excuse yourself. When he calls and starts chit chatting...don't fall into it...just state the facts that need to be then end the phone call.

--------------------
Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.


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ELEMO2001
journeyman


Reged: 07/18/07
Posts: 82
Re: getting blamed [Re: JustMeAndThree]
      #275638 - 08/14/07 05:24 PM

i'm sorry, once i start writing it just pures out. i could never easily just let things go after he talks i just feel so much guilt that lately i am blaming my self. it is not easy to have any conversation with him about anything. even the kids schedule eventhough the parenting plan states it.

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JustMeAndThree
old hand
***

Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
Re: getting blamed [Re: ELEMO2001]
      #275659 - 08/14/07 06:34 PM

so stop talking to him and insist that you communicate via email

--------------------
Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.


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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
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Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
Re: getting blamed [Re: JustMeAndThree]
      #276270 - 08/15/07 06:44 PM

BTDT!!! I found the best way to handle the same sort of ex, saying the same things to me, is to just take responsiblity for everything. When the ex would start, I would just stop him cold and tell him that everything that has ever gone wrong, is wrong, or could possibly ever go wrong with his life is my fault. I take FULL responsiblity for the mess his life is in, the fact that he is a comatose drunk, can't keep a job, looks like pavement, and is pretty much homeless all of the time. OH Yes...I am also the reason his son hates him...

It really is quite liberating to admit you have such overwhelming ability to control someone's life like that! I have tried to harness this talent for the good of mankind, but as of yet, have not had much success.

One of the funnier things my ex accused me of was f'ing my way into buying my house (of course in another conversation I was told that sex with me was spousal abuse. I guess I have good and bad days ). Still I wish I had known this in advance because I would have put more effort into the process and gotten a place with more bedrooms, or maybe a private pool.

These guys tell us these things to get a reaction. Stop reacting. I just laugh and agree.

If you aren't quite to that point yet, you can do what my best friend does with her ex...She tells him there are only three things they have to talk about...child support, visitation, and the kids. If he starts on another issue, she reminds him of the "rules" and either walks away, or terminates the conversation.


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ELEMO2001
journeyman


Reged: 07/18/07
Posts: 82
Re: getting blamed [Re: nrvouswrk]
      #276565 - 08/16/07 12:27 PM

finaly,
thank you please keep it coming i need all the feed back i can get. the last two weeks were a mess i was anylizing everything he've said. all i can come up with was that he just need to blame me so he can sleep at night. so thanks


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Drew
old hand
**

Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
Re: getting blamed [Re: nrvouswrk]
      #276586 - 08/16/07 12:55 PM

Tooooooooooooooo damned funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahaha, I love it.

--------------------
"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell


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hurtinKS
recently joined


Reged: 08/15/07
Posts: 2
Re: getting blamed [Re: Drew]
      #277286 - 08/17/07 06:52 PM

I'm new here and can't believe how unkind some people are to those that are hurting......people come here for help, not to be torn down. My mother is from another country, I could see how certain people spell things as they say them. Anyway.........I think my husband is your STBX's twin brother. I hope you are able to ignore him and tune him out as much as I do my husband/hopefully STBX. I put 110% into my marriage only to feel used and stepped on. I wish you the best and agree on some above, keep it short and the sweeter, the better. They hate it when we're happy.

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Drew
old hand
**

Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
Re: getting blamed [Re: hurtinKS]
      #277368 - 08/18/07 12:29 AM

hurtinKS,

My comment was in regard to the way nrvs described her x's allegations and her response to them. Check out the Re: above a post when/before you consider it's content.

I would never intentionally kick someone when they are down.

--------------------
"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell


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