Patrice
addict
Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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Just Me, Try finding more to do during the day--especially physically. It will be good for your mind and your body.
I actually found waking up was the hard part for a while. Then I would go back to reality and realize how much my life had changed--with a sinking feeling. I think I'm past that, just have some sadness when new things like meeting son's first serious gf come up, and he's not there to talk about it all with. Other son leaves for college soon and that would normally have been a "family" event, but now it'll just be son & me hitting the road.
It's been about 2 years since my separation, 1 since divorce for me. The sadness hangs around, but keeping busy has kept me on a fairly even keel. Divorce is a crappy thing to go through, at least if it wasn't your choice, but things will look up for you, really.
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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Edited by Patrice (08/15/07 08:28 AM)
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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Divorce is a crappy thing even when it WAS your choice...atleast in the circumstances where its not what you really WANT but you know things will never change and you can't continue to live like you were...I guess i'm fortunate in a way becuase this has been coming for years...I've done a lot of my grieving and wondering why and so on during my marriage. Now one thing that helps is when I can continue to remind myself WHY i felt it necessary to divorce....like the fact that when I met him my oldest was 3...he took her in...INSISTED that he be called "Dad" and not his real name...NEVER introduced her as a step child...didn't like people knowing it...a few years into it signed an affidavit of paternity and put his name on her BC, changed her last name...he's the only father she's ever known and now rather than continuing with that commitment he'd rather drop her than to have a financial obligation. He's even pissed becuase he has to shell out $754 a month for his two bio kids. He's been calling around trying to see if I'm lying about what I pay for child care and whatnot becuase he doesn't want to have to pay that much. Thinking about things like this helps get me out of those ruts.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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Lotsoflight
member
Reged: 07/02/07
Posts: 105
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JMAT,
I could be posting what you're posting right now. I am still in the process and probably months out from it being finalized and I'm completely sick of this raw gaping wound that bleeds profusely at the most unexpected times for the most unexpected reasons. I just want to stop hurting.
After everything that he put me through, after all the times I thought or spoke about leaving him, why, WHY do I sit here and mourn so deeply. I also don't want this for my children and I also know he was never there in spirit. I also missed what could have been. I always had faith in him to be the kind of father and husband I knew he could be but he never stepped up, he never tried, he rarely gave any effort.
Were our expectations too high?
Were we looking for something that just doesn't exist?
Will I ever feel normal again?
Will I ever feel wanted, loveable or safe again?
Will I ever trust anyone again?
Someone tell me I will. Please tell me I will. I never ever thought someone could endure this much pain.
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"When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do."
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Dear JMAT,
What you're going through is so normal. I was married for over 20 years when X left for pregnant OW. We had 2 sons who were 12 and 15 at the time. The first few months after I discovered the affair and before we both finally decided to divorce, I cried buckets. Day and night. The only time I didn't was when my kids were around. Somehow, for the most part, I managed to hold it in when they were home. I was lucky they were in school all day, so I could let myself mourn, cry etc and somewhat recover by the time they got home.
Of course I made it worse by listening to certain songs that expressed how I felt and would cry even more. The crying, sad stage lasted about 3 months or so. Then little by little, the practical side took over; the legal battles had begun and I had to fight for myself and the kids. Having that to occupy my mind helped alot.
Eventually I became angry. Incredibly angry. So angry that some of the oldtimers will remember, I had a screaming match with the X while exchanging the kids in a public parking lot. X had crossed a few lines he promised he wouldn't; I got mad; he tried to get in the car to talk to me; I wanted him to leave me alone; he kept insisting that I listen to his rationalizations; finally I cracked and said things that I thought I'd never say, in front of an audience of passers by! I wrote all about right here, on this site and everyone started calling me Banshee Woman. Consequently, when a poster became angry and began to rant at their STBX, it was called 'having a banshee woman' moment, lol. I was famous for awhile :).
Anyway, about 6 months, to a year later, the sadness, the hurt, the anger slowly started to subside into a melting pot of stewing emotions that I could keep a lid on.
I started to look outside myself, to the community, started volunteering, got into photography and found ways to escape it all, even if just for an hour or so. It helped. Plus I had some really good friends who forced me to walk almost daily with them. Then I began to jog just to get the seratonin chemicals going. For that brief time I didn't care about anything.
Long story short, my emotions went the gambit but over time things got better and better. So what I'm saying is that what you feel is normal and it's right. You were married to someone you loved, they broke your heart and you're going to mourn for quite awhile. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
I know it's painful and you want that pain to just evaporate. But it's important to face it the way you're doing by crying and writing about it. Btw, your poem is beautiful :).
Regarding your child and how her dad is walking out on her and even whining about paying support. Nothing makes me angrier than when a parent abandons a child. Nothing. It's pure selfishness, 100%. There's no excuse or reason to take out one's hurt or anger out on a child while divorcing or at any other time either. But it happens all the time and it boggles my mind...
Anyway, hang in there. Keep posting. It'll help soooo much. I don't know how I would have gotten through my divorce (separated in 2001; divorced 2003) without this board. It was truly a lifesaver. I've also made some very nice friends from here that I've met in real life. And some very nice ones I've never met in person, but converse with regularly through email, IM, and phone calls. I feel as close to them as I do some of my brick and mortar ones.
Big Hugs,
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Hi Drew,
Powerful poem. I especially love the following lines:
Untold years that no longer exist
Their substance a lie, a ghost in the mist
Ever elusive,perpetually taunting
Unseen by the real world
My personal haunting...
Wow... I don't even know what to say except that those paticular lines were incredibly touching. Keep writing.
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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Thanks. On days when I'm not feeling down I can see where it's normal to feel that way...but during those times it sure feels like i'm the only miserable one. I think I'm almost past the anger stage...for the most part anyway...or maybe i'm in the stewing stage...i'm not sure. I have realized that the less I have to deal with him the easier it is. Things are looking up for me...I'm that much closer to getting my divorce finalized (pray the judge signs the final decree), i'm moving out of my shoe-box house into a large refrigerator-box house LOL...seriously it's about 2 x's the size of the one I'm in...it's still a 3 br (my 2 youngest share a room) but it has more storage, a fenced in yard, bigger rooms, it's only $75 more a month and i'm going to be my own landlord...(i manage the rental properties for the people I work for and they own this house) It's an older home but has just been almost completely redone after a kitchen fire...brand new cabinets, countertops sinks, paint, flooring, etc etc. I'm really excited about that. To make things even better the company i'm currently renting from is letting me out of my lease early due to problems with the house. I have a church with members who are willing to help me move. When I left my ex I moved EVERYTHING i took by myself...refrigerator included. My kids are doing good and starting to adjust...I work for a wonderful family owned business...my employers have helped me out more than I could ever repay them for. I have a babysitter who has helped me tremendously as well. So all in all things are going rather well.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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