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mlh53
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 110
Checking In
      #31011 - 09/09/05 07:51 AM

Hello All,

Just wanted to check in, say hello, and see how you're all doing. Things are fine with me. Had a health scare back in July and was out of commission for quite awhile. But am doing much better now, thank God.

Meanwhile I've been busy with getting the kids back to school, friends, the gallery, photography, and helping to sponsor and create a state-wide fine art photography show.

So things are humming along. Amazing what time can do. There I was married for 20 years, X has affair, we divorce, and I thought I would NEVER get past the pain, hurt, and anger. But here I am doing just that 4 years later. And actually thriving.

Sometimes life altering events like divorce, death of loved ones, health issues, or some kind of personal tragedy can seem unsurmountable at the moment, but then we get through it. And if we're really lucky, we learn from it all and move on to a more enlightened and positive life.

In any case, I hope to hear from some of you old timers and also anyone else, on how you're doing and what you're up to these days.

Take Care,
Melanie


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Karen1
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1798
Loc: Ohio
Re: Checking In [Re: mlh53]
      #31049 - 09/09/05 11:39 AM

Hi Melanie - thanks for the update. Is good to catch up with old friends lives and that includes cyber friends! I hope other old timers, and new timers, will respond to your post.

As for me... after 30 years together, then 3 years separated, our divorce is finally final. About a week before our final hearing, and 5 weeks after we both signed a settlement agreement, ex changed attorneys, showed up at the final hearing with a request to have the settlment agreement thrown out. He resorted to flat out lies that I could easily prove as same, a desperate attempt to get the settlement thrown out. Won't go into detail on the lies, unless you want to know. Ex said the house we purchased in early 70's was his sole property...wee both contribruted to the down payment, and the closing was only 2 weeks prior to our wedding. Judge saw through that and other lies regarding my employment transfer (done in 93 and not 04 as ex stated) , said he was not going back to the early 70's , property was co mingled, ordered it would proceed on the signed settlement and as an uncontested divorce.

However he does have 30 days to appeal. As the judge ordered that he pay the additional, and any further, attorney fees of mine, hopefully that will deter ex from appealing. My attorney advised me not to list the house on the listing ex signed with a realtor until 45 days have passed, so that 30 days may be business and not actual days. I am still in limbo, will be until this house is sold, but the divorce is finally through.

I was heart broken, devastated, when ex left. I prayed for 2 years that we could reconcile, go to counseling etc. Slowly I realized the ex I loved was no longer the same person, and I really did not want the person he became. I now realize that his decision to leave is one of the best things that could have happened for me, and my life has changed for the better and I am moving in directions I probably would not have if still with ex. Not sure if his life is better, for someone who said he left because he decided he was never going to be unhappy again... he is a very angry person regarding settlement etc. and I think this has affected his health. However no longer my problem, OW wanted him she can deal with it all now.

When I first came to DS I read posts similiar to yours above, and it made me know there was hope for a better life, and pray that I could get to that point, and for the most part I have. I am looking forward to whatever is around the bend in the road for me, actually find it exciting. SOmething that I never thought I would be doing at the age of 56.

Excuse any typos, on lunch break and typing too fast I know. Glad your health is fine now, take care and keep in touch.
Karen

--------------------
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".


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kav
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Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
Re: Checking In [Re: Karen1]
      #31126 - 09/09/05 06:16 PM

Melanie

Glad to hear you're doing well!! Time does heal, doesn't it. Stories like yours give the rest of us hope. It's nice to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Karen,

So curious about one thing you said, that your X isn't the same person he was. I read that a lot here and it's so true!! But, it confuses me more than anything else in life. Why is it??? How is it that the person we married, whether for 2 years or 30, changes like they do?? I can't figure it out. They're still the same person they were for, what, 30, 40, 50 years. My stbx was always concerned about people, exes he dated or lived with, family, etc. Then he leaves and screws me anyway he possibly can. For example, for some stupid reason, over the years we purchased one car and then another, both under my name. No big deal, would I dream that a couple years down the line we wouldn't be married?? Not a chance!! Would I think he'd screw me? No way in hell. When we went our separate ways he said he'll take one car and make the payments, I took the other car and made the payments for it. Well he makes good money, I just bearly get by. The payments on both cars are fairly the same. Yet, I make my payments and the other car payments don't get made for months. Now I sit and think, where is that responsible person that would not intentionally screw anyone?? How do they change, why do they change? Like I said, it really confuses me.

Kim

--------------------
Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.


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alabama
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Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 228
Re: Kim...excuse me Mel... [Re: kav]
      #31180 - 09/09/05 08:40 PM

...quick question for Kim...

[quote]...we purchased one car and then another, both under my name...he said he'll take one car and make the payments, ...and the other car payments don't get made for months. Kim [/quote]

...Kim luv...you have title to "his" car...why haven't you repossed it and sold it?...that's your fricken credit that he is screwing with? I don't get this at all...


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kav
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Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
Re: Kim...excuse me Mel... [Re: alabama]
      #31199 - 09/09/05 08:59 PM

Alabama darlin
No kiddin?? I don't have the title, it's still under finance. I can't go get it, he has the keys. Also, I can't afford to pay the payments on it. Therefore, I have to try to get him to pay it. The damage is already being done. Short of wanting to kick his a**, I'm trying to settle it however, I don't know yet. Anyway, what goes around comes around. If I get him to pay it, there's not a lot that we owe on it at this point. Then buddy, the title is in my name and I take it. I've been battling the bill or should I say bills issues with him for months. But Alabama, I have sucker (in neon lights) across my forehead. (someday I'll email a pic so you can see, ha ha) Anyway, this too will get resolved and eventually things will work out for me and he'll get his.

Kim

--------------------
Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.


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alabama
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Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 228
Re: Kim...Sweet Angel????? [Re: kav]
      #31222 - 09/09/05 10:02 PM

[quote] I don't have the title, it's still under finance.[quote]

Right, finance company has the title...In your name only I have assumed...therefore...you have the right to force the sale...

[quote] I can't go get it, he has the keys.[quote]

...I don't know what it is called...a repo order or something like that...you don't need the keys...

Okay...Okay...I don't want to dramatic here...nothing is ever so simple...but, somebody tell me I'm wrong...I think you could call him up...ask him nicelly to return the vehicle to your driveway in 48 hours...and if he did not you could call the police on him...

[quote] Short of wanting to kick his a** [quote]

Okay, this I understand...

[quote] If I get him to pay it, there's not a lot that we owe on it at this point. Then buddy, the title is in my name and I take it. [quote]

...now Kim darlin...sweet, sweet Kim...this is quite evil of you...it does make my heart beat faster though...this is a part of you that I have not ever..ever..."seen"...am I to understand that you are having him pay...whatever...you can get him to pay...and then...when the car is paid off...you are going to go and get it?...Do I have that correct...pause...breath...pause...breath

...ohhh, howwww, with bated breath and fluttering anticipation I await for your answer on this my little angel....

...I actually had something else to say...but, as it dawned on me as to what you were saying...somehow...I lost track of it...wham...gone...


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mlh53
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 110
Hi Karen [Re: Karen1]
      #31373 - 09/11/05 08:18 AM

Good to hear from you. Sounds like things are going well, relatively speaking. Too bad you have to wait awhile to put the house on the market. More time spent in limboland. Yuk. But before you know it, the 45 days will have passed and you'll be on your way. Btw, have you decided where you'll move to yet? Will you stay in the same town or state or move further away? In any case I wish you well.

Now onto a point I'd like to make.

You mentioned along with tons of other people going through divorce, that the spouse you once married was not the same person. That they somehow changed over the years.

In my case and I think possibly in others, that definitely was not true. Though at the time of divorcing I thought it was. I think my X never changed. He was always who he really was. But somehow I only saw what I wanted to see. I excused alot; ignored alot; often was too busy working, raising kids, whatever, to realize that he was not the man I THOUGHT he was. And THOUGHT is the key word. My perception and how he initially presented himself were only an illusion. I saw who I WANTED to see.

You could also say I was in denial as the years rolled on and the X started showing his true self. I sort of liken it to the frog in boiling water story i.e. if you place a frog immediately in boiling water, he'll jump right the heck out, realizing he'll boil to death if he doesn't. If my X showed who he really was right away while dating, I would have jumped out too. But on to the story. If the frog slowly slips into the nice warm pot of water, he'll relax and think how good it feels. However if the heat is turned up little by little and the water gets hotter and hotter, the frog will most likely adjust to the temperature and won't even realize how much hotter it's getter. Then before you know it, the water's boiling and by the time this happens, the frog has weakened, is tired, and no longer has the strength to jump out and save himself. Thus he then gives up.

That was how it was with my X and marriage. The X started out acting nicely. Wined and dined me. Was always positive. I thought I was slipping into a nice, warm pot of water. So when he proposed I said yes and thought I was going to live happily ever after. But ever so slowly, without my realizing it, he showed his true self, started turning up the heat, and it wasn't pretty. But it happend over years and like the frog, I just kept adjusting myself to the increased heat to the point where when it reached a boil I was too weakened to jump out. BUT, thank God the X decided to throw me out!!! So like you, though it was awlful and painful at the time, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

To wrap things up, I have to conclude that many of our spouses didn't change. They just disguised who they really were in the beginning. And we fell for it, because if they showed who they really were, we would have jumped out the first chance we got. So instead they put on the charm, etc., we fall in love, and slowly adapt to the emergence of who they really are, and like the frog, we don't even realize what's happening till we're slapped in the face with reality.

Melanie


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kav
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Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
Re: Hi Karen [Re: mlh53]
      #31380 - 09/11/05 09:19 AM

Melanie

What you say about the x's not changing, maybe you're right. Maybe we do see someone else and don't see the true person. But isn't that a little scary then? If we move on and get past the hurt and start to date again, how do we know who we are actually with? Do we need to wonder through a whole relationship what that person is truly like? My stbx would do things that would suprise me and he would tell me that I would never "really" know him. But if he was the selfish person that I see now, wouldn't I have seen that? You know, I think writing this that I actually did answer my own question. I did see a selfish person. It's just different now because the selfishness is focused in a new direction. Now I get it Melanie, thanks!!! Sometimes you need to talk out loud and it comes right to you. You pointed me in the right direction. The signs were there just with tv or restaurants or the inconsideration of not phoning when coming home late. I gotta tell you I feel much better now understanding it.

Kim

--------------------
Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.


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sandflea
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Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 447
Loc: norfolk, Virginia
Re: Hi Karen [Re: kav]
      #31395 - 09/11/05 11:40 AM

Yeah - we all romanticize. My X "loved to run". She just said that 'cause it was obviously something that I loved to do. Then we went running together - and OBVIOUSLY she wasn't a runner. But - she kept saying it, and I really, really wanted to believe that this beautiful, smart, young woman was my soul mate - so I over looked it.

Even before the wedding she put stuff like that out there. I should have seen it as a red flag, but no - I guess I'm pretty stoic- stubborn - so I pushed right on ahead. I think we both woke up after the honeymoon like "WTF did I just do?!?".

Then 10 years passed.

We were fundamentally different - but with some things in common. I was extrememly independant - her family was constantly "involved". They moved nearby. They plugged in. My father in law was a perfectionist - retired AirForce colonel. Man, I never knew how wrong I was about everything... ;)

In hindsight, we both put up with too much. Her way out was an affair, mine was a bottle, and many many miles of running (away).

You can't tell. You just order off the menu, and hope, by the time the meal arrives, you're still hungry for what you ordered, and that it's good quality, wholesome, well prepared and presented nourishment. I wish sending it back was easier, but the chef get's pissed, spits in your food, etc. It's risk - pure and simple. Take only reasonable risks. Make sure both parties are bringing something to the table. Watch out for angry drunks and alter (pun intended) egos. Pray. Hope. Have faith.

That person is out there. You just havn't met 'em yet. Don't settle.

- SF

--------------------
Beaches, Bluegrass, Bach, Beer, Bodhisattva, Blisters, Bikes, Boats, Bhujangasana and Bayer


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Karen1
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1798
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Re: Checking In [Re: kav]
      #31403 - 09/11/05 01:33 PM

Kim, it confuses me also. I don't really have an explanation, just some guesses on the change in my ex. One thing, he increasingly grew to feel that he was slighted in the workplace, started to always have a grudge against whomever the current supervisor was, and seemed there was always another employee in the group that he felt was given preferential treatment. Was a bit like this when we married, but it grew to be constantly so. Whether that bled over into other areas of his life remains an unknown to me.

His dad died in 99 (mom in 94) and he was exec. of the estate. The other 2 involved were his SM and brother and only sibling. He ended up disowning both of them after the estate was settled, over things his dad said he wanted done, but did not have in notarized form. Ex felt the other 2 should have honored the wishes of his Dad, it meant more for him and less for them, and of course they opted to to not honor. Thus, he put them out of his life. Also in 2000, he was advised he was not needed in his section at work any longer, and that he had 30 days to find himself a spot with the company he had been with for almost 30 years. He did find another area to work in but it meant a major change from the M-F 8-5 schedule he had worked, and he went to a 7p - 7a shift on a 2 week rotation basis. I think all of these things led to a decline from the nice person he once was. The ex I knew was one to hold anger and a grudge for a long time, to dwell over it and let it eat away at him. This in turn finally affected all areas of his life.

The final death blow to our marriage occured, IMO, 4 years ago today when our country was attacked. Ex was on a business trip during the 9-11 hijackings and attacks on WTC and the pentagon, he was on a plane headed west. I think he felt he had a close call, and rightfully so. However his thinking immediately after was not rational. Of course this is on my mind today as is the 4th anniversary. I think that was the death of our marriage, that ex decided he wanted to live his life differently, and I think he thought getting rid of me would cure his problems. By the flowers blooming in photos he took and then used to indicate the possesions each of us was to get, he was activley planning on leaving a few months before he did so in June of 2002.

The above are just guesses on my part, but in my heart I feel I am right on. I watched him turn people he had loved into the enemy. Then I became the enemy, and he made it a very difficult process to put me out of his life as he did not feel it necessary to have to legally divide our marital assets that we accumulated during our 30 years.

Of course the increase of alcohol use turned to abuse over the years and that didn't help either. I don't miss what he became, but I sure do miss who he once was, but that person has been gone for some time now.

--------------------
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".


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