childanddivorce
recently joined
Reged: 11/08/07
Posts: 1
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Hi,
I am a child of divorce and i have been researching the situations surrounding children and divorce and the affects on their lives.
I'm looking for some honest answers here.. My parents were quite downpulling towards each other in the years following their divorce. This stuffed up me and also my sisters a fair bit.
I'm just wondering if any parents out there knowingly pull down their divorced partner when speaking with their child or near their children?
I appreciate your boldness and honesty in your answers!
Jason
[url=http://www.childdivorcebook.com]child and divorce[/url]
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<a href="http://www.childdivorcebook.com">child and divorce</a>
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KarenDR
recently joined
Reged: 12/01/07
Posts: 9
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Hi!!
My parents were divorced when I was 9. I'm 35 today. Their divorce was fairly smooth - no big custody battles or fights. Today I feel that I am as well adjusted as any other person out there...I am no more messed up than any of my friends who come from non-divorced families. That's not to say I don't have issues, but my closest female friend has many of the same relationship problems and her parents are still married today. I am quite happy with my life and achievements! I am also pleased that both of my parents ended up married to people who they ended up happy with. Everyone should have the chance to live happily with their chosen partner. Life is too short to be miserable for the sake of the children. That happened to my boyfriend...he found out that his "happily married" mother was so unhappy, she told one of her daughters never to get married. It really crushed him to think his mother was sad for so many years.
I joke and say that parents are free to screw up their kids however way they feel...and to a certain extent it's true. I doubt anyone makes it through life unscathed, whether it be the child who feels abandoned at day care every day, or kindergarten or day camp. Or a parent that works 18 hour days. Or a parent that travels long periods of time for work. Or moving. It is all traumatic for kids, but sometimes it is necessary. And sometimes it makes you stronger. And hopefully you wake up every day happy that the worst thing wrong in your life was that you have 2 parents who love you dearly, but don't get along with eachother.
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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My only communication with my ex is email since 2005. I found that making sure the kids were involved in every single aspect of divorce settlement finances really upset my ex-wife, because she ( and all women ) wants to pretend to be the victim, when in reality she is collecting a huge chunk of money which she did not work for...
Even a kid 10 years old can see how the money settlement works, and they learn real quick what ex-wives do to maximize their divorce settlement income.
I think it is best to make sure you maximize the hatred and anger you feel toward your ex involving the kids all the time...That way they won't get married when they grow up....Really the long term solution to the problem.
Marriage is simply a legal contract that drastically favors one gender over the other, which at one time in history may have been fair, but not any more.
If you notice when people who are not married, but live together, split up, there is a lot less anger, because they are treated equally by the legal system.
Of course the women on this board will disagree with me, just like slave owners disagreed with equal rights for blacks....
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2007
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[quote]My only communication with my ex is email since 2005. I found that making sure the kids were involved in every single aspect of divorce settlement finances really upset my ex-wife, because she ( and all women ) wants to pretend to be the victim, when in reality she is collecting a huge chunk of money which she did not work for...
Even a kid 10 years old can see how the money settlement works, and they learn real quick what ex-wives do to maximize their divorce settlement income.
I think it is best to make sure you maximize the hatred and anger you feel toward your ex involving the kids all the time...That way they won't get married when they grow up....Really the long term solution to the problem.
Marriage is simply a legal contract that drastically favors one gender over the other, which at one time in history may have been fair, but not any more.
If you notice when people who are not married, but live together, split up, there is a lot less anger, because they are treated equally by the legal system.
Of course the women on this board will disagree with me, just like slave owners disagreed with equal rights for blacks.... [/quote]
You put the kids in the middle of something that they shouldn't have been.
What a horrible father you are.
I feel very, very sorry for your kids.
And can only hope that their mother has more influence over them than an abusive jerk like you.
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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2007
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My mother left my abusive father several times with all 5 of us kids. She would take us all to California. Then she would go back to him. I hated the constant leaving.
When I was 14, my mother kicked my dad out of the house. She got a restraining order and the police took him out of the house, which he fought. Unfortunately, one of my younger brothers was home at the time and saw it happen. There weren't any false allegations of abuse on my mom's part. My father is an abusive person. And constantly left bruises on her. My younger sister hid in the broom closet during one of the times that he was hitting mom.
After the divorce, my mom took the high road. My father constantly badmouthed my mom to all of us kids. This isn't to say that my mom was a good mother, because she wasn't. But at least she didn't badmouth my father. She let us come to our own conclusions by ourselves.
In the end, it was my father who paid the price. I haven't spoken to him in 23 years. And have no regrets about that. My 2 sisters and 2 brothers haven't spoken to him in over 10 years.
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cb62341
newbie
Reged: 01/21/08
Posts: 47
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I read a very awesome book called 'DIVORCE POSION" i wouls suggest anyone who has kids read this book.....You should never bring the kids in the middle or even bad-mouth the parent....I know that this is a very difficult thing to do but you have to remember and we all lose site of this....kids are a lot smarter than we give the credit for.....This book helps out in a lot of ways to many to state on here but you can get it through amazon.com for approx 15 bucks for the paperback.. we all have to make chooses good, bad, & even ugly ones but I would like to think that we all make these decisions with what is best for our children and not what is best for ourselves........
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"It is What it is" "Keep it Simple"
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