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Reged: 10/08/04
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really frustrated....
      #3016 - 10/08/04 01:30 PM

I am new here...and am floundering with things at home. A brief background. I live in a small city, with really only one sister here, who does occasionally help out watching my two children who live with me (the oldest lives with her her dad. She is 17). Their dad lives 7 hours away, and although wants to see the kids, it is not regular nor is it feasable to even try to have the 14 yr old, while in school, go visit for more than a weekend, on most occasions. The four year old does go, sometimes up to 10 days. All these difficulties aside, I am having a very difficult time dealing with my 14 yr old in reguards to a new man in my life. There is the general..."14 yr old" attitude going on, but there seems to be more to this than that. When she is home, I might go out one or two nights a week, possibly even 3. One night, for reasons I am still not exactly sure of, she called me every 10 minutes on my cell phone, and finally started demanding I come home. She then called her father, who called me, and stated she was scared and just wanted to know exactly when I was going to be home. ( I had given her a "no later than" time). Later during discussions about this, she said she didn't really know what was bothering her, but she also said it bothered her that I went out at all, and that I should only go out like her friends moms, (who are all married) maybe once ever other week. I didn't disreguard that, but did explain that that may be typical for a married person, but not a single person. I even reminded her that when her dad and I were married, we often went out 3-4 times a week.

Most recently, I have become very involved with a man, whom I care a great deal about and who is trying very hard to handle this situation. No problems exist in his actions. He has done anything I have asked in reguard to my kids, not been pushy at all. We have been intimate, and I have kept this in a very safe zone, until recently. We had gone out with friends, came back when she was in bed. She had woken up when we came in, and seemed upset that anyone was there. Everyone except my date left. We visited quietly, and I asked if he wanted to lay in my room and watch tv..and finish talking. Unfortunately, my daughter must have been "hyperlistening", and as soon as I closed the bedroom door, she was hollering at me. I went down to talk to her, and she was very upset and angry that he was there.

This happened three nights ago. We had a nice night together two nights ago (my daughter and the man I am dating), and then last night I went to his house for awhile and she called me again many times, finally saying that she didn't want me to bring him home. She had also called her father, and although I haven't heard anything from him yet, I will. I am not sure why she is soooo upset, and I am very frustrated.


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Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 20593
Loc: Third rock from the sun
Re: really frustrated.... [Re: lady_lou]
      #3018 - 10/08/04 01:43 PM

Most children retain the hope that their parents will get back together and your daughter sees this new man as the end to that "hope" so she will do what she can to disrupt the relationship.

You and her father need to set down with her and explain that the two of you will NOT be getting back together and that it does NOT disminish the love that you each have for her.

Children also don't understand that love is infinite...that your love for them will NOT diminish because you have someone new in your life that you love.

If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!

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recently joined

Reged: 09/02/04
Posts: 9
Loc: Michigan
Re: really frustrated.... [Re: lady_lou]
      #3212 - 10/12/04 11:19 AM

First of all, I'm glad to hear you are finding happiness in a new relationship. It sounds to me like you daughter really needs you right now and feels like you are choosing this man over her. I suggest you sit down with her and ask her what she is feeling and how she would like you to proceed - I am not suggesting you do what she asks, only find out what she'd like to see happen. It is important that she feel that you are there to help her. SHe lost her father and now she may feel she is losing you. I know this from experience. I think it will be important that you spend quality time with your daughter and maybe have your new boyfriend and her go for lunch or something - just them. I hope things work out for you. I really believe she is just reaching out because she is feeling insecure in your relationship. Good Luck.

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