smkymtnana
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/05
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
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I'm new here so be patient! My husband has decided that he wants a divorce and is now trying to force me to move out of our home. We've been married for 8 years(together for 15)and over the past few years has started becoming verbally abusive towards me. He is trying his best to scare me into going,but I do not want to leave my home. All of this pretty much came out of the blue one night last week. We've had our problems before, but things always seemed to smooth over after awhile. I had started packing and then realized that I really have no where to go. I could stay with my mother,but that would be very short term. He has threatened to kill my dog several times,and when he's drinking(which is quite often lately)he gets very abusive verbally,and while he hasn't tried to strike me yet I fear that may be next. ( He did hit me once 5 years ago and spent a long holiday weekend in jail.)I'm at a loss as to what to do,I can't afford a lawyer- really doubt that he can-.For the past 2-3 years it's been hard to talk to him about anything because he makes it all sound as if I'm a total idiot and worthless.I have been paying the bulk of the household bills for the past 3 years since we had the house refinanced and he took over the new lower payment,dumping everything else in my lap.I just do not know what I should do,he says he'll sell the house and I won't get anything because he'll prove that I didn't contribute to it or any of the other bills(all in his name except car and house which are in both).
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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He can say anything he wants, but reality and his dreams may collide. Many states are community property, meaning any equity in the house would have to be split regardless of contribution.
You should call Legal Aid in your area (probably listed in the government section of the phone book) and see if you qualify for their free help.
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Char Fox
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smkymtnana
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/05
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
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that's what everyone is telling me.don't know whether to try and ride it out here or to leave.getting tired of the veiled threats and constant put downs and his angry yelling.my 21 year old daughter is staying here right now and he's doing the same to her.he seems to think that because the bills are in his name I have no proof that I ever paid anything and that will work for him.
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Margie
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/05
Posts: 11
Loc: louisiana
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I know the verbal abuse is horrible and there will be time to get over that later, don't add financial and other problems to your recouperation. Trust me, if community state, you are responsible for debt even if name is not on it, which also means assets are 1/2 yours. Make phone calls to find a way of ousting him. This website and many others give great advice. Read, read, read.
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MaryWhoCares
old hand
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 983
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Not always true. My ex took 100% of credit card debt in his name only. Same happened with other friends....
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Mary
When life hands you lemons, you make lemonaide!
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allison
newbie
Reged: 09/24/05
Posts: 44
Loc: So Cal
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Here's exactly what you do - NUMBER 1: When a tension phase is starting go to a women's shelter. Tell them you are afraid of him and need somewhere to stay for a day or two. They will ask you to file charges or a restraining order but dont - not yet. Then go home (do it over a weekend, especially if hes drinking on a Friday night) DONT TELL HIM!!! Now you have a missle in your pocket. Do it more than once if you are staying with him, you need to show continued fear of him in court. NUMBER 2 - every time you go to any store buy gas anything, take cash back - as much as you can without arrousing suspicion - even $5 or $10 - and put it somewhere very safe. Now you have another missle - untracable cash. If you never have to fire these rockets, you will gain strength knowing they are there - the money will buy you some time and some freedom when things go down (and trust me not if, WHEN). Then you will have witness and documentation of the fear you feel because there is a record of your going to a shelter (NEVER GO TO A HOTEL, he can contest your fear and accuse you of cheating on him) Now you have leverage in DV court. A restraing order will secure your place in the home and force him out and to stay away. I did not do this and he "beat me to it" please read my e-mail "HELP! He's the abuser and he filed a TRO" - you will know the other side of your situation if you don't take control and get documentation. The court let me back in the home with the kids but he got the restraining order against me held up. I never did anything because the only thing I thought I could do was call the police, but if I did, it would just make the abuse worse. He isolated me from my family and friends, so I had no one to confide in. He didn't want me working. I wasn't in any position to leave and he had been strategicly setting me up for months. ALSO start getting free domestic violence counselling for through the YWCA or other community services WITHOUT him knowing, even if you dont think you need it or your being dramatic cuz he doesnt all out assault you - he is a classic abuser - words, money sex are all means of abuse. Get your ducks in a row and if by miricle he changes, and your marriage gets better, he will never know about any of it When you begin to empower your self and create leverage, you will start to feel and think clearer, and maybe you will not want to be married to him when your head gets above the water. He's holding you under so you feel powerless. I know this! I lived it. He's making plans - believe me - dont be naive about that. You should too - a fire drill, so you know where your going and have a plan when it goes down.
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Its always darkest just before it goes pitch black" - www.despair.com
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smkymtnana
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/05
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
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whether it's the right one for me or not, I've decided to move out of the house.I can't continue to deal with the extreme mood swings(alcohol or drugs??) that he seems to be having. One minute he's quite calm,even sweet but the next he's yelling and screaming about who knows what.I'll stay with my mother til I can find something else. The way he changes so quickly is really starting to frighten me. I'm beginning to think that the house isn't worth having to deal with him. Life goes on and I will get through this.
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allison
newbie
Reged: 09/24/05
Posts: 44
Loc: So Cal
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yeah, I mean if you have a some support system and are willing to cut it loose to save yourself - do you have kids with him and are you working? That makes a big difference in the choice to stay in the home or to get out....I had nowhere to go, no family that would help me and two kids, no income. If it's just you and you have a job and some family or friends who understand and you can lean on while you go through the initial separation, you don't have to go to the extremes to protect yourself. He needs help that it seems he doensnt want from you or the marriage. 1/2 the marital property is yours, including the home, so when it's sold you'll hopefully get some equity. You can ask for that right away if you are going to file for divorce so you can get some money to get a place to live.
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Its always darkest just before it goes pitch black" - www.despair.com
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smkymtnana
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/05
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
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I work full time and my daughters are both grown. They've both been trying for a while to get me to leave, as has my mother. I can stay with her until I can find a place of my own. I'll probably be alot better off by just getting out now.
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allison
newbie
Reged: 09/24/05
Posts: 44
Loc: So Cal
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I wish you the best - good luck with everything, I see the common feelings and forget we're all in different boats in some ways....
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Its always darkest just before it goes pitch black" - www.despair.com
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