BillRJohnston
newbie
Reged: 12/14/07
Posts: 26
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I am married 3 years but have been with my wife for 11. My wife and I have considered our relationship very unique because we are such good friends and we have such a strong tie to each other. Every year of our relationship we would both say we were more in love with each other every year ... ok to the bad part ...
Last year my wife took a trip with some girlfriends and got very drunk ... she ended up talking to and making out with some guy in a bar. I found out from her girlfriends and she did not deny it, only to say she was very drunk and she didn't know why she let her guard down. I accept that people make mistakes and since we have been together for so long it was excused and we resumed our relationship.
Every thing seemed ok, but we were going through some difficulties this year with finances. She seemed fairly normal up until about a month and a half ago when we both returned from our respective business trips. She seemed distant and not her loving self. I wrote it off as the money and house situation, but it continued. A couple weeks had gone by and I had done alot of thinking and discussed taking the financial problems out of our relationship, which I did. I bent over backwards to get the feeling of when we first started dating back into our relationship when I noticed a phone number on her phone at midnight that she had called. I almost dismissed it but the fact that the phone had no name to it and she had called it right before we went to bed. I went back to her phone and noticed that there were some text messages to and from that same number. I went online and looked at our phone statement only to find that she had been texting and calling this guy for the past month, sometimes 10+ times a day. I would notice times if I went to the store there would be activity. It seemed like any moment I turned my back she was texting him.
I did some looking and found it was a client of the company that she worked for, and that there was a happy hour the next day that she was planning to attend. She told me where she was going for the happy hour and I planned to show up there to see if anything was going on. When I showed up, she was not there and the networking group was not there either. I called her on her phone and she lied saying that she was there until I said - You cant be, Im standing in the restaurant.
She came right home and I confronted her. She said she was at a differnt restaurant in another town and that the plans had changed days before but she didnt feel like explaining to me. She did not say sorry or even seem appologetic. She even seemed a little annoyed I had checked up on her. I threatened to send the phone bill to this guy she had phone relations with and to tell her boss that she had been doing this with a client of theirs out of frustration and she freaked out. She had recently gotten a promotion and seemed to now feel important at her job.
After a day we talked about it. We went straight to a marriage councelor and my wife said she did not have sexual feelings for this guy and that she had never met him except for the networking event one month before. She agreed with out hesitation that all communications were done. I spoke to the guy and he seemed so afraid his wife would find out that he more than agreed.
She still a week later felt cold. She told the councelor and myself that she was worried that she didnt know why she had changed her feelings in our relationship. She also said she had worried for years that she would have a hard time being faithful. Her definition of not being faithful was this flirting with men and kissing at bars - nothing past that. She also said she feered she had given so much in our relationship and she now felt she was going to be asked to make more of an effort and she just felt frustrated.
I was dealing with all of this when a week into counceling and her saying that of course she stopped communications with the guy, when I found she was e-mailing him. Short little sexual things like "Im touching myself." crazy thing - and dont ask how I know this but I do - she wasnt doing any of the things she was writing to this guy??????
Now, when it rains it pours, I peaked at her e-mail further to find out that there was another client she was bantering sexual inuendos with. This guy lives half way across the US so I know there wasn't anything physical, but the messaging disgusted me and their were hints that they were talking periodically from her work phone????? One other note - the e-mails she was writing to the guy I confronted her about were not being replied to by the man. He seemed to be ignoring her.
I have not confronted her about the knowledge that I have about this other guy and that she was continuing contact with guy 1. I figure, what good would it do when we are in counceling for this problem - all it would do is make her think she is even worse than already thought and there is no reason to try to rebuild anything.
She recently broke off communications on her own with guy 2 and I havent seen anything about guy 1. She is talking about maybe needing time, but I am not interested in giving her a half a year to figure herself out. She has always been addicted to gratification from friends, men, strangers, her work and I have always felt in a sort of competition for some reason. She did say that she just wanted to feel happy and the guy she talked to seemed to think good things about her and not judge her.
My questions - is it possible to find ground to rebuild? How after 11 years can someone just change like this and is it maybe just a phase? Is this texting really cheating if she is only seeking gratification and there is nothing physical and it was only for a month?
This was my best friend and sould mate. She seems to be trying to get back into our relationship but some days she still feels distant and like she is too good for our relationship. She said she wished we could be "attached" again but the feeling is buried ... Why am I working so hard to stabilize our relationship when she probably cheated on me even if it was emotional, worries she may do it again in the future, is afraid she may have already abandoned the relationship, and doesn't feel like she can give the extra effort to our relationship to recover.
Edited by BillRJohnston (12/14/07 01:01 PM)
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RLG1023
recently joined
Reged: 12/12/07
Posts: 13
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I am almost in the same situation as you! I asked the same question I dont know if it is cheating or not but I do know it hurts really bad for your spouse to do this behind your back especially when you thought everything was going so well. I hope everything works out for you, bc it sucks to be in this situation.
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BillRJohnston
newbie
Reged: 12/14/07
Posts: 26
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It is bad ... I think I need to post shorter problems as not many people are commenting. This situation is so screwed and I cant see a fix. Everyday I just wake up thinking when will I wake up from this nightmare. Who is this person next to me?
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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the person next to you is someone that is obviously interested in other people otherwise they would not be texting, chatting on the phone
to contrast...i am single...I am dating a guy for almost 2 yrs...could I be dating others...yes...do i want to ...no....i did go out on other dates about 6 months ago...and while the other guys were interesting and i could have continued to see them and this guy...i wasn't interested...i want to put my energies into "this" relationship. Going out with the other guys, chatting, etc is taking time away from this relationship and something I don't want.
Your partner is focusing on "others" and NOT you. Its tough I know...we hang on....and hope it will end...maybe it will be to me...again as I posted on the other thread, sometimes it is best to cut your losses now and move forward....work on yourself and moving forward...
Good luck
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BillRJohnston
newbie
Reged: 12/14/07
Posts: 26
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Let me mention a few things and maybe help me understand.
1 - The men that she has had these relationships with have been clients through her work. They have flirted with her and she eventually gives in and flirts back. Is that cheating.
2 - There is to date no physical contact or any proof that there is intention to be physical. I know about emotional affairs but are they really as bad as physical?
3 - Further defining her relationship. There is flirting, hiding any form of communication with them from me, much of the communication is done at work, it is very possible that there may have been phone sex but not truly confirmed, she definitely has talked about our marriage to these men and used them as a sounding board, finally, I do know that although it appears to be over with all parties there was a bit of her that cared somewhat for these guys and missed the daily flirts etc.
Any more thoughts? Am I fishing in a pond with no fish?
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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1 - The men that she has had these relationships with have been clients through her work. They have flirted with her and she eventually gives in and flirts back. Is that cheating.
YES. Why should it matter who started? Unless this is the only way your wife can keep her job (and then I would ask 'is this a real job?'), I would say that this kind of totally unprofessional behaviour and not knowing healthy boundaries might even cost her her job one day. You don't air your marriage issues to clients and exchange hot messages with them. That is unless you work for some sex hotline.
2 - There is to date no physical contact or any proof that there is intention to be physical. I know about emotional affairs but are they really as bad as physical?
Emotional affairs are MUCH WORSE than physical affairs, because it shows that there is something crucial missing in your marriage and that your wife is emotionally detached from you, otherwise she would not be able to attach to someone else or look for someone else to attach to. But basically your wife sounds so immature that I do not even believe that these were really emotional affairs. You don't have multiple emotional affairs with every other client who thinks your buns are cute.
3 - Further defining her relationship. There is flirting, hiding any form of communication with them from me, much of the communication is done at work, it is very possible that there may have been phone sex but not truly confirmed, she definitely has talked about our marriage to these men and used them as a sounding board, finally, I do know that although it appears to be over with all parties there was a bit of her that cared somewhat for these guys and missed the daily flirts etc.
Obviously you are with a needy, immature and not very sincere person with big self esteem issues. Sounds like perfect bliss. I know you love her, but BOY, would I make sure that she gets into serious counseling ASAP.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I agree with HO2 that something critical may be missing in your marriage that she does that...but having said that I do know and have seen men/women who flirt and do that s3xual type of teasing...in the workplace it is supposed to be a big no no and people can get fired for it if they flirt/tease the wrong person....
again...it may be harmless but as I mentioned...most men and women who are in a relationship that they are putting their energy into it do not do this stuff...if you can continue to pass it off by making this excuse or that excuse then good for you...
marriages should be saved but sometimes you are rearranging chairs on a ship that is going down..
what does your inner self really tell you? That voice of reason?
to me the phone s3x part should be with you and not other men...maybe she likes the feeling that it gives her who knows.....
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BillRJohnston
newbie
Reged: 12/14/07
Posts: 26
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Ok. It was cheating and I believe as well that it is cheating.
I left my wife last night. I confronted her with the fact that she had been still pursuing the emotional affair with the man I caught her with before. She lied and lied and even when she said "this is what happened" she was lying and she finally came clean .... or so it seems.
I told her before that if this was still going on and that if she couldnt be honest it would mean divorce. So last night I left her. She has called me almost every hour, stalked where I am going, texted me 100 times ... she now is saying she has a problem and that she wants her best friend back and she is so stupid and would quit her job, move away with me, anything ...
I am not going back to her anytime soon at least. I feel like I should follow through with the divorce but I am weak when it comes to giving people 2nd and 3rd chances ... I never have believed in divorce because it normally means you are giving up on resolving an issue and 2 people normally have a hand in the problem. I don't know.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I still do not know if its "cheating" but having your partner exert energy into someone else is sure a bad sign. Especially when you say she has done this before.
Yes people usually feel bad when they get caught...and the applecart is upset...but what you do is up to you....she may say anything...and then do this again...who knows? Maybe not...
Of course most of us do not believe in divorce or want a divorce but why should we stay with someone who wants someone else? Is there something wrong with us when we hang on to someone who is obviousily making time with someone else? It could just be a passing fancy but again how do we know that when it happens.
Maybe by you leaving and being [censored] she will see what she is losing and realize she is making a mistake and you can put the marriage back together.
good luck
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