Lazerus
newbie
Reged: 01/17/08
Posts: 41
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We had an incident in the house last night and while the details are too lengthy to get into, let's say I just learned that the verbal insults slung by my wife at me and my son are abuse...wow! That's 15 years of additional abuse.
I learned earlier this week that I was involved in 15 years of emotional, physical and mental abuse...but verbal abuse?
That isn't all I learned, I found out that even if she decided that she wasn't going to crack me or my son last night, the fact that she hit my son last week for no good reason and each time before that, I can file a restraining order against her for the previous events and the verbal assault last night.
Well despite the police advocate and the abuse advocate urging me to do so on the spot...I didn't. I did file the incident report, but I am still up in the air about the restraining order.
At least I now know that I can file it based on what happened over the last year and at least I know I can do it at 1am if I want to. Finally at least I know that I can impress on the judge at a hearing that I want her to go to psychological evaluation.
But what to do...I am so freaking torn between my children and my well being and the fact that somewhere in that screwed up head of hers is the good person I always saw while wearing those rose colored glasses. Even when I wasn't wearing them, when she is a stable person she is a joy to be with.
My minister wants me to wait to make my decision after I see him on Sunday...but why, he wouldn't say. I think he doesn't want me to do it out of anger, I think he doesn't want me to do it messy, but I don't know.
Either way, I know I can do it and I know I have to do it...but I still am torn.
Well remember in NJ you have chances to save yourself...the question is actually and finally doing it.
What am I saying here...I guess I am just lost in my own confusion and emotions, lost in a mix of fact and hope, lost in a cloud of familiarity and the unknown...for the first time in my life I don't have a solution to my problem that I can completely live with...why?
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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Quit sparing her feelings.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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Lazerus
newbie
Reged: 01/17/08
Posts: 41
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To the point....thanks, didn't think of it that way.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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try to stay focused on the wellbeing of yourself and your children.
this cycle that she has started in your head will continue for a long time.
I had had the verbal/mental/physical slash anything you want to add to it abuse growing up...the physical has kind of healed for all intents and purposes - the mental and verbal will still haunt me and was probably the worse of any of it.
you owe it to yourself to not play by your wife's rules anymore.
she will not change - this is who and what she is. if you and the kids stay or show her any forgiveness - she will tear you all apart faster than you can say help the next time..
your not alone.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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Laz- The thing is (and a lot of people forget this) is once and abuser, always an abuser and as Martart1 said, you need to take care of you and your kids. Quit worrying so much about her. The only thing with her ya have to worry about is are you going to allow her to continue roaming the streets so she can inflict even more physical abuse on you and your kids? Next time, at all cost, have her locked up.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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lilgypsy
old hand
Reged: 09/04/07
Posts: 1015
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She may be a good person on the inside, but that isn't what you get is it??
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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[quote]She may be a good person on the inside, but that isn't what you get is it?? [/quote]
"15 years of emotional, physical and mental abuse" there is nothing good in the "inside."
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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googledad
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/31/05
Posts: 10207
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Lazerus , you live in the single WORST state for anything associated with DV . If she's truly abusive , how long do you think it'll take her to smarten up and accuse you of violence to get rid of you ?
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Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
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Lazerus
newbie
Reged: 01/17/08
Posts: 41
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Thanks to all of you for these great thoughts and comments.
I went on Monday this week to the police department becauuse my STBX was on a super high when I walked in and after her family left she became this quiet, sullen, grumbling zombie. BTW...Her pattern is in full effect, I found the new boyfriend (a zebra never changes it's stripes). Anyway, the police couldn't do anything, however they instructed me to go to the county court house and file the TRO...in the meantime the police and I decided it was time to get child welfare services involved, although I have heard horror stories, I have no help for this..so I agreed to have the police file (instead of me, they wanted to protect me from her). Anyway, the next day I spent the day in court and was DENIED my TRO because there was no direct threat to me. The judge said "She has to make a direct threat to you, she can't just say it walking away and it has to be specific, not I want to kill you, or I want you to die, it has to be I am going to kill you". SO I left and went home.
I went about my business in the house as usual and she came home, accusing me of doing something to her friend's car. I told her it was a full moon...blah blah blah. An argument over all sorts of issues ensued and she got to the Bad Father thing...I retorted and pointed out what a good spouse does and what a good mother does not what she does. This further escalated into me calling her out on 15 years of assaults, she told me to take it like a man and stop being a [censored]. I further told her she was now doing this to our older son and she denied it. I told her she should have never stopped going to counciling and should have taken medications. She got incensed...balled up her fist and I told her not to do it. She didn't.
She denied ever assaulting our son and I began to tell her every instance she did it our of rage and frustration and BAM,...she hit me.
I called the cops, she thought I was bluffing calling me a [censored] and berating me, until she heard me talking to the police. I got the kids out of the house with our safety plan and the police came and arrested her.
The child welfare people came and interviewed the kids and I and determined that if the court does not step in and order psych eval and supervised visits, they will step in and take over.
I feel a bit vindicated and hope that she get's help, but as I stated to one of my friends who told me not to file the divorce because the meds may help her...15 years of the same pattern is not healed in one pill and at any time a person can choose to stop medicating and counciling. I completed the divorce package today and meet with my attorney.
Let her new boyfriend deal with this now...maybe he get's the fixed version of her and she can have a new daddy. I'm thru giving her everything she wants.
I'm free.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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that took a lot of courage to do Lazerus.
try not to look back and second guess that you might not be doing the right thing.
good luck to you.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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