Justin_TN
recently joined
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 3
|
|
Hello I am new to the group, and yes I am going thru a divorce.
I have been married for 13 years and totally in love with my wife, she was my taproot, my friend.
We were to close on our first home 9/9 and that day after repeated phone calls to no anwser, I rushed home (I work hour and half away) to find "the note". She packed up and left for California, to be with her HS friends.She told no one, except for her mother the day before.
Now for some history....I work in telecommunications and 3 years ago I took a consultant position with a buddy of mine in Seattle. I was home couple weekends every month and worked into working from home later on. I got lonely, missed my wife, and began turning to internet [censored] for "inspiration". I set up a fake MSN account in order to contact women on the net, which I sent 2 emails to. One I sent my picture to someone I chatted with (the usual hey how are you, what are you doing, blah blah) and passed my picture to this person, simply looking to see if I was still attractive to someone other than my wife. The other email was to an escort service on price of menage e trois, to which I got no anwser. that was the extent of the indiscretion. Nothing physical, nothing in person.
Well 10 months go down the road and my wife discovers my long forgotten fake profile on the net, and the two emails I didnt delete from the sent folder. She went nuts. I was in Seattle for a week of training when she found out and talked her out of leaving over the phone and came home and dealt with the issue. Sort of.. I told her we would talk about it everyday and work thru this, in order to keep her from leaving.
3 years go by and now this. She states she cant trust me, her head was going to explode with thoughts of what Im doing at work, what if I did cheat, all the thoughts a person would have...
She left me and the kids with a note saying the above and this would give me time to see if this is what I wanted, which I did not. She returned, filed for divorce and left again for 10 daysto California, claiming she wanted to have fun before she had to go back to work. The kids are with me and will go home when she returns on Monday...
I have had a month now to soak this in and temporarily stop crying every second. I honestly love my wife, she is all I know, and I thought everything was ok...I have tried thru thousands of text messages and attempted talks to offer the moon and sky and profess my love and devotion, but to no avail. I have moved into a apartment in the city to be near work and she immediately moved in her sister and husband to help with the bills.........
I just dont know what to think or do. Its obvuis anything I say she doesnt hear. I have done my part and been civil with the who gets what and paying bills up for the time I was there, paying child support.... My heart still hurts, every morning is just terrible. I needed to get this off my chest....now I am turning 35 next month and suddenly single and scared to death. I have never pictured divorce as an option, especially in this case...I didnt cheat, but I did cross a line I think....I love my wife so much....I cant picture life without her and the kids and the dog...it was all just so perfect and coming together and then WHAM.....
thanks for listening...
|
SoccerMom4Fun
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/05
Posts: 8
Loc: New York
|
|
In the simplest of terms, you did cross the line and you did break her trust. You don't seem to me to fully understand the impact your behavior has had on your wife and your marriage. What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if you found things on the computer where she had correspondences with other men and looked into having (paying for) a threesome? Would you trust her? Would it be la-de-da, no big deal to you?
If you love your wife "so much" in the first place (and your children), why did you do any of this to begin with? I'm sorry, I just don't understand your thinking! Unless you start taking some big responsibility, offer to go to counseling and talk all this out, including listening to the pain you've caused your wife, I don't see how there is a lot of hope. Men see sex as just sex, women see it as totally emotional. Just because you didn't have sex with someone else, doesn't mean you didn't have an emotional affair.
I'm sorry, but you asked, and you're going to get honest opinions.
SM
|
Justin_TN
recently joined
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 3
|
|
I appreciate the honesty. I have taken responsibility for my actions, I was wrong. I have offered counseling, but it seems to late, as she will not go. I have listened to her, and I understand. Believe me I have learned alot about myself in the last month.
To anwser your question on why I did it in the first place, the anwser is I dont know. I think it was more of ego thing, being over 30, married for 10 years, it was a curiousity to see if I was attractive still. Doesnt make what I did right, I know. It was a mistake I never repeated. I'm having a hard time letting go, though I know I will have to eventually.
|
SoccerMom4Fun
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/05
Posts: 8
Loc: New York
|
|
I don't know what to say. The only thing I know is if she had done this to you, you'd have a much clearer understanding of the big picture and the pain included. I am sure there are plenty of women and even men here who have faced things that may be similar? More than likely an actual physical affair occured. Hopefully they will see your post and have more insight. The only thing I can guess is your wife isn't convinced you never really acted on it all. You opened the door to doubt and she has no way of knowing for sure now.
SM
|
 Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
|
|
Yes, what you did was crossing the line...but not a deal-breaker, in my opinion. Excuses don't often substitute for a lack of good reasons....and there are no good reasons for seeking intimacy outside of your marriage. However, the definition of marital commitment usually includes "for better or for worse." That being said....something doesn't make any sense. Your "indiscretions" were 3 YEARS ago and she's telling you that that's the reason she taking off? Couple of questions....
How did she "discover" your profile online? An intimate web-site profile isn't just something you happen across, you know?
How have things been during the last 3 years? Do I understand correctly that you have spent a lot of time apart, but that's because of your job?
I would guess two different scenarios. 1) That she suspects some recent....ummm...."activity".... on your part that has sparked the old feelings of distrust, which caused her to bolt. Or....2) that she's been doing her own shopping around and is laying her recent actions on something that she knows is a guilt button for you. When someone wants to make a change, the easiest (and cheapest, IMO) thing for them to do is to make the other person feel like it's their fault.
So you are still in WA and she's relocating to CA with your children?
I just wanted to add...that I came to these suggestions based on the way your wife left. Taking off with no notice and leaving your children behind is a very, very "heat of the moment" thing to do. It just doesn't make sense 3 years after the fact. I'd be doing some investigating of my own.
Edited by Rebecca5 (10/07/05 10:55 PM)
|
Justin_TN
recently joined
Reged: 10/07/05
Posts: 3
|
|
She discovered it online by logging into MSN with the credentials and happened across the fake profile, and then went to the email sent folder...I had forgotten to delete the profile.
The last three years have been ok I thought, just the normal problems. We argued about money as her family was always borrowing for some reason or another, which I wont go into here that is another topic all together. She claims I never talked about the indiscretion enough with her. The talking always started with her being retalitory(sp?) and hateful, and its hard to not be defensive and not want to talk with someone who had that tone. I always tried to get in her head, to get her to talk but would get"nothings wrong". I would do the same just for the fact she wouldnt open up. That has been a problem our full marriage, communication. We both have demons from our childhood, and may have had something to do with it. For the most part I though the last three years were ok, we traveled alot, she was able to stay home instead of work.
We live in TN, and she is keeping the house and staying in TN with the kids she says. I had to move into an apartment in Nashville, to be near work as where we lived was hour and half commute (we lived in the country, cheaper cost of living and close to her family, so I sacrificed and drove 3 hrs a day). I plan to stay near my kids and not move.
She told me that the closing on the house scared her, thinking I was going to leave her with a mortgage. I got a company laptop also and that sparked old feelings. She says she can never forget what happened, meaning she doesnt want to forgive. Her father was a cheater and abusive to her mother and her trust is thin on that subject and unforgiving.
Bottom line is I thought I had paid my price and we had moved on. I was wrong. But had no idea that she would all of a sudden resort to divorce and breaking up the family. All her friends in CA are divorced and am sure are providing one sided advice.
I suspect somthing is amiss in the 2 trips to CA, especially when you have no job, pending divorce, and kids at home. the first trip I can see, as she said in her note she left, that she couldnt tell me in person, as I would change her mind...But to come back, kick me out, move her sister and family in, file divorce and leave again to CA for 10 days, makes me suspicious, and maybe she wants me to feel that way.....
I do not want to lose my wife. Dont know what you got until its gone, rings true. Like I said, I have not done anything in the last three years, and that is the honest to god truth. Any advice on how to go on from here would be most appreciated. I have done everything she asked, I paying child support on time, I paid for all the bills for the month of Sept, agreed with her on everything, not just to be nice but because it was fair.
I still send her text messages, which I think I should stop, saying I love you and cant live with out you at this point I think is making the situation worse...
I just cant give up....
Soccermom, you are right, I wouldnt have liked it if she had done it to me, and did not think of her feelings or my children when I did what I did. At the time I thought it was harmless and didnt have any inclination to go and physically meet women. But it does plant the seed of doubt, and I would take a lie detector to prove I didnt cheat on her physically. I did cheat in my heart, and I realize that now. Too late I suspect....thanks for the responses.
Soccer
|
SoccerMom4Fun
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/05
Posts: 8
Loc: New York
|
|
I had not thought of it or did I see things with the same angle as Rebecca did. I think she has some very valid points. I am sorry. It's always helpful to have more than one person look at something, as each may see things very differently. I missed that this initially happened 3 years ago and now she's reacting this way with asking you to leave and talk of divorce. That is odd. I would question what is really in CA and what was the draw there twice in a row. How long since she's been there? It is curious.
I am just sort of thinking out loud here, but maybe all your text messages are giving her a twisted ego boost of sorts? They tell her you are hurting, still thinking of her all the time and that her plan of action has been effective is somehow striking back at you. I am just wondering if silence wouldn't be better for awhile, even if very hard? Only making contact when needed about the kids or whatever?
Hopefully more people here will chime in and share their observations and thoughts. Obviously I'm not an expert, or I wouldn't be a part of the "divorce board" too.
SM
|
NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
|
|
You're right. Silence will go a long way to piquing her interest. One of the first rules to play by when a spouse says they want a divorce is NOT to grovel and beg forgiveness or to come back to the marriage. And you know, SoccerMom4Fun, we all got that advice and no one I knew could follow it. It's so against human nature.
If the nature of the split is a falling-out-of-love, then the begging and crying only makes you look like a weaker person and less worthy of their love. Staying strong and stoic can build you up again in their eyes, so it does sometimes work. But if the reason for the divorce request is that there another person waiting in the wings, then NOTHING works, IMHO.
I, too, smell something in the wind coming from CA. If she hasn't met someone new, I'll eat my hat. Of course, STBX in TN will probably never know the truth. I'm sure she'll try to keep it under wraps until the coast is clear.
The best advice for him now is to speak to a lawyer.
|
Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
|
|
Okay....well.....honesty's the best policy, right? So here goes....I apologize in advance for how much you might not like this....
It sounds a lot like she wants to leave.....like she has wanted to leave for a while and was just gathering the right amount of courage and looking for the right opportunity. Your situation is just too....contrived. In one month, she's flown twice to CA, filed for divorce and relocated her family into your home. Those are not last minute decisions.
Dude....you are getting the shaft, and thanking her for the privilege by continually telling her that you are sorry for something you did 3 YEARS ago. Because of your old guilt and rationalizing of her behavior, you're being taken to the cleaners. She had a rough childhood? Okay. So what? At what point would you expect her to take responsibility for her own actions? She's probably in her mid-thirties too, yes? Time to stop making excuses.
You have two options. You can beg and plead with her to attend marriage counseling......or...you can hire an attorney.
I would recommend a little of both....see a counselor for, at least, your own emotional needs and hire an attorney to protect your interests from her money grubbing family members who've already taken over YOUR home. I completely understand your need to grieve for this relationship...but if she refuses to seek counseling, it's time to protect yourself.
When you're ready, ask for lots and lots of advice. Some of it's garbage....but a lot of people here have been through the wringer....and can help you with what your rights are with regard to your home, your children and your money.
|
Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
|
|
Yes you crossed a line and yes you were wrong. IT never should have happened but it did. She has known for 3 years and I don't really think that your indescretion is the problem anymore. You say you "sort of" dealt with the issue. Did you go to counseling or did you think just being open about it once or twice was enough? I'm not trying to slam you but I think something this big needs professional attention. I am in the minority in thinking that someone can "stray" once and never do it again. I believe some people make mistakes and are truely sorry.
Now you have 2 choices. Be silent like others suggested or tell her you won't be returning the kids to the house unless she agrees to counseling. You are not divorced and unless there is a custody order you have as much right to have them with you as she does. She left the kids and left you a note telling you she wanted to have some fun? I understand you want to work this out and you want to be nice but you might have to be a jerk first.
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
