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sadie46
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Reged: 04/21/06
Posts: 186
My children and I are hurting.
      #333306 - 12/16/07 02:56 PM

My children are 23 & 20. The 23 boy is married a year now. I feel he married to a degree to feel safe. He loves her...high school sweetheart, but I think he rushed somewhat. Here is what I am struggling with. Divorce 5/07. I feel horrible that my kids had to see who their parents turned into throughout the last 4 years of marriage. Ex...went nuts...and then I did because of his lies. I couldn't hold my emotions together at all. Instead of being there for them, just loving them...I was spending all my energy in fear of what was happening with the financial things. The financial (what I call corruption and lies) was bad. Ex didn't care what he was doing to either me or the kids. The kids blamed me for being the (b) to their father and for not being the better person. Ex walked out pretty much and left me to handle. Ex told the kids,Mom needs to be nicer to me as he was setting himself up to fraud me in the divorce. I knew what his motive was and the kids felt sorry for him. Of course I didn't one bit. I thought there would be peace now that it was over, and ex would try to do the right thing for once. I still cannot understand so many things as to why he did them and get angry/hurt. I want to be there for my kids..but so hard. They believed all his lies..even still. My son cried the other day and said he wants his Mom back. I don't know whether that Mom exists. I felt like I was treated like an animal..kicked enough times that ex felt I would just walk away. He says things like....you BETTER do this/that. You are gross/look like [censored]....really mean cruel things. I am not happy at all. I want the worst for him. He even told the kids about our property settlement. I think that was wrong. I want my kids to understand how I feel, but afraid to let them in. I don't trust them for some reason. I would like us to go to counseling to be able to express our feelings in a neutral safe place...with boundaries. Ex thinks it is stupid and told them so. I can't beg them to go, but I know it will help all of us. I feel that the pain will not go away if it doesn't happen. I know time heals...should I give it more time?

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Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
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Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2077
Re: My children and I are hurting. [Re: sadie46]
      #333308 - 12/16/07 03:00 PM

Go to counseling for yourself.

And if they ever ask you about the divorce, simply tell them that the issue is between you and your ex. That you aren't going to drag them into the middle of it.

And if you have dragged them into the middle of it in the past, apologize to them and let them know that you were wrong to do so.


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Chris_C
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Reged: 02/18/08
Posts: 31
Re: My children and I are hurting. [Re: Goodmom]
      #362634 - 02/18/08 06:22 PM

Hi Sadie,

I can understand your pain. That said, keep in mind your "kids" are really adults -not little children. In my honest opinion, it's time for you to focus on defining your identity apart from your children. Once you become strong, your children will be drawn to you and respect you. Heal yourself and the rest will take care of itself.

Just my 2 cents...

Chris


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BombShop
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Reged: 02/20/08
Posts: 7
Re: My children and I are hurting. [Re: Chris_C]
      #363893 - 02/20/08 02:47 PM

I am 20 as of now, and my parents were never married and I was pregnent with my mother because of my father cheating on his ex wife. I was use to going from house to house split custody. So I can safely say that this happening recently at your childrens mature age, it should not have affected them in a drastic way, especially when your son has his new life set in front of him. Your best odds in my own opinion would be to support him and your other child than worrying about them worrying about you. I have never gotten married so please don't quote me on this, but I hope this helps in someway. If you do have your children invloved in your devorce seeking some salvation from them, you risk bringing them turmoil as well. I would suggest pursuing your own council instead of making a it public to your family.

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