kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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We had our first mediation appointment tonight and how stupid...the guy made money talking for an hour about the process. We have to go back next week. I just want this all behind me. I do so well on a daily basis and I walk in there thinking this won't be so hard. Boy was I wrong!!! The guy starts to ask when you got married, where you got married, how long were you married and of course my eyes fill with tears and I have to fight it because I know the person that wins in mediation is the stronger personality.
And what is this "no fault" divorce?? I hate that, it shouldn't go as "no fault" but thats the way it is now. I want it to say adultery but I guess that doesn't get you anything but it sure makes me feel better. Don't state it as nobody's fault. You don't divorce for the fun of it!! Anyway thanks for listening. This board is the best therapy there is!!!!
Hugs
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi Kim,
It sounds like you had a rough day. I didn't got through mediation, so I can't even imagine what it is like. Going through what I did was bad enough. To then listen to "It's no one's fault", that would aggravate me too. I'm sorry, when a spouse cheats, IMHO, it is their fault!
You must live in a no-fault state? That stinks! I don't. My ex had a list of things presented to him. He was listed as the person responsible in the demise of the marriage. In the commissioner papers that went before the judge, the commissioner called my ex-husband "selfish and self-centered". My attorney said she'd never seen wording like that in a legal document of divorce before. It was just that obvious. I look at it this way now, it just must suck to be him. I wouldn't want to go through life only ever thinking of myself.
Hang in there Kim! It does get better. Life does go on. We grow and become much better people. We end up having a lot of compassion because of the things we've lived through. I'd much rather be able to look at myself in the mirror than ever treat other people badly.
Hugs,
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Quote]We end up having a lot of compassion because of the things we've lived through. I'd much rather be able to look at myself in the mirror than ever treat other people badly.
Hi Lori
That's a very good point and you're absolutely correct. We would not hurt someone like this and that makes us much better people.
I do live in a no fault state and like I said it doesn't change the out come but it stinks. It's his fault and I'd like to see it stated, just for my peace of mind.
But I stayed strong in the mediation room and I'm proud of myself for that. It really sucks to see the person that you love sit across the table and want to get this over with for their own selfish reasons while you still try to mend your broken heart. But I'm sure someday he will find out that you can't find happiness in a 29 year old.
Thanks for the advice, it was good!!! And thanks for listening.
Hugs
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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Lyn
journeyman
Reged: 06/04/05
Posts: 95
Loc: NJ
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Hi Kim - I was under the impression that although CT does have no-fault divorces, you can indeed file for specific causes, adultery being one of them. Not a pretty process, nor one I necessarily recommend, but I did go that route (in NJ) as mine had been a 27 year marriage and charges of adultery as well as allegations of bigamy (there had been an elaborate but fake wedding before we even officially separated) were very appropriate. It can make a bit of a difference in settlement. Good luck which ever road you take; it's a pretty ghastly experience! Lyn
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Hi Lyn
I do believe the mediator said we could go that route also but you have to prove it and that's not easy. He also said the same thing that you said, it gets pretty messy. At this point, I just want it all behind me. Like I said, for the most part I'm doing fine and moving on but mediators and divorce, they're big set backs. It's really sad but out of my control.
I couldn't even imagine 27 years of marriage and going through this. It's tough being married 10 years. Divorce is so easy today. Nobody tries at relationships anymore. So disposable. When your done with it you just toss it aside.
Thanks for the advice Lyn, I will just let it go down as no fault. My stbx and I both know the truth.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Dear Kim,
You did great! One of the best things you can do for yourself is not let your STBX see you get upset. That alone does give you some of your power back. I know, I fought very hard to never let my ex-husband see me express any emotions. It also helped too with the process. Not that you want to present yourself as a cold, dead, fish, but that you are not out seeking revenge either, but fairness. My motto was and still is, "Always take the high road". Other people can take the low road, but I refuse to.
Get some rest and be good to yourself!
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Mediation and collaborative law are very hard to do if there is residual anger or distrust. They really only work when both parties have called it quits on the marriage and are in agreement on most things about the divorce and property, and trust that each other still has the best interests of the other party and fairness in mind. Kind of like...if they could be like that, why are they getting divorced?
But since it sounds good on paper and is definitely cheaper than a full-out trial, many people try to do it, at least as a start in the divorce process. Some states even require mediation in hopes that many of the issues about property settlement can be resolved, and the actual court hearing just becomes a rubber-stamping of the things already worked out.
Here's the low-down on mediation. Unless you can have your lawyer there with you to advise you, you have to really KNOW the law about property settlement...what you're entitled to...so you don't get screwed. You have to stay focused. You have to prepare your whole financial plan with a few bones that you are willing to give away, but know what your bottom line is and not waiver. Don't walk away with anything less.
That's very hard to do if being in your spouse's proximity can turn you into a quavering pile of jelly. Unfortunately, many men are used to dealing with things like this in their business, and they just turn on that part of them that doesn't see you as a person anymore, just a deal that they have to work through. They don't turn into jelly, they turn into steel. And guess what happens when a knife comes up against the jelly...the jelly gets cuts to pieces.
I have to say I haven't heard of this process working for anyone who was still emotionally distraught.
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Nancy
I agree that mediation isn't always the best solution but my stbx and I don't have a lot of assets to worry about. We never bought a house when we moved to Connecticut so the only question is spousal support and golf clubs, plus the 401k's. I'm sure we can be civil enough to get through that. He should be flexible because he will want to end it as quickly as possible. He's taking on the cost of the mediation and the divorce. As for the golf clubs, well there aren't too many people in my life that don't know I won't quick until I have his golf clubs. Reason being, our anniversary was in Feb. I bought him an $800 set of good clubs only to have him tell me 3 weeks later that he wanted out. I would not have spent that on him knowing he didn't want to be with me anymore. I feel the anniversary wasn't valid since he had to know then. When I asked for the clubs back he told me he didn't want to give them to me because he really liked them. All the more reason I want them back. Now with him picking up the cost of mediation, I'm sure he isn't going to want it to drag on and he will give in on that issue. I told both him and the mediator yesterday that this was an issue that I would not give in on. What am I going to do with the clubs when I get them? I'm giving them away. Just a little way to get even. Maybe not good but sure will make me feel better.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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You know, interestingly, I had almost the opposite thing happen. We celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary in March of 2001. My now ex-husband actually went really out of his way that year (first time ever) to do something really nice for me. I was shocked and appreciative. Then, maybe not even but 3 to 4 weeks later, he started to turn on me, for no reason. By May of 2001, we were separated. He just came home and announced he was moving out and was gone by that weekend. I was extremely confused and he wouldn't even explain or talk about it.
I look back now and realize that when he started to turn on me, this is when he met the OW. I now know he met her on a business trip, on an airline flight between where we live and NYC. He started traveling there a lot the last 2 months we were together. Of course, he swore I was nuts to think there was something going on. It was all my "imagination"... Yeah, uh huh, right! You don't go from being nice, romantic, giving gifts, flowers, etc., which is so not the usual norm, to 2 months later just moving out.
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Lori
Our stories are so similar our exes could be twins. My stbx bought me an anniversary band, I was so exciting thinking if he bought that for me he really wanted to make the marriage work. Aside from that he was so distant we couldn't even talk about the weather. Than he dropped the bomb. I asked him why he would buy the ring for me. Needless to say, I exchanged it for a cross necklace. Also, he has been involved with this other girl, in what ever manner, for 3 years before we split. All the signs were there. Like your ex he told me over and over I was crazy and it was my imagination. But as you may have read in one of my post in the last month I got the verification from a girl in his office that I'm friends with. Why can't they step up to the plate and just admit it??? Do they think we're that stupid? Or are they so worried about trying to maintain that they aren't the one that broke the marriage?
Anyway, we're too good for them and they don't deserve us, right? :)
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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