bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Good morning all. Haven't posted much with the new board and changes, but have a question for all of you with adult children. May seem sort of strange, but I can really use some good advice -- actually, this might also be a question for any of you who were adults when YOUR parents divorced. Okay, here it goes. Do any of you feel jealous when your ex-spouse is with your children? And, if you do, how do you handle it, how do you control it and how do develop some grace out of all this?
I am realizing that one of the many issues that keeps coming up and I am not dealing with/resolving or even maintaining a facade is that my ex-husband has been dishonorable (the divorce aspect itself was bad enough -- he divorced me for those of you who don't know/remember "my" story -- but now his failure to do what he agreed upon is causing me untold financial grief and soon-to-be ruin)and my kids can't seem to understand my inability to see him -- I don't act uncivil -- I literally and figuratively have to leave any place where he is -- the last notable occasion being my grandchild's birthday party. I have six adult children, one grandchild, two step-grandchildren; his side of the family is huge and I have no one except for my children. Any advice? Thanks much, bacall
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Well, my children were not adults when I divorced almost nine years ago, but the oldest is now nineteen and on his own. He sees his father, on occasion, and quite likely, I don't hear about every visit he makes. What I do hear about are the times his father has borrowed money from him (and not paid it back on time) or otherwise caused him financial setbacks. But the fact that he visits his father does not bother me.
I think if I were left alone on a holiday...and the kids knew I would have no where to go, but chose to exclude me and be with their father, I would be upset. My solution would be to invite everyone to my place (ex included). I rather think the children, even when they are off an on their own completely, will prefer my cooking to their father's cobbled-together dinner of Stouffer's and Chinese take-out. You just have to know how to swing the odds in your favor.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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On the issue of holidays and grown childre... More than once I tried to make Christmas easier for our son, 23 and on his own when EX left, by inviting the then stbx to share in our Christmas. He refused. At the time of our son's wedding this summer, son had not seen his parents at the same time and place for 3 years. EX and I were still married at that point, long drawn out divorce process for us. My d-i-l had never seen us at the same place and time. Son was struggling with this and suggested that the 4 0f us (OW excluded) meet for a short lunch, dinner or just coffee prior to the wedding festivities. I told my son anytime or place was fine with me.
Ex refused. My guess is OW allows him no contact and he goes along with it. I think it is very sad, childish and just plain stupid that a 58 year old man can not set aside his feelings, or possibly that of his GF, for the sake of what to me is such a simple, easy and short time commitment thing to do when our son requested something that was so important to him. Then again it is typical of EX to continue to always place himself first..
Son and I both tried to swing the odds, more than once, and could not do so... it does take some give and not all take on the part of an EX.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi Bacall,
Here comes one of my novellas again... ;-)
When I was 22 my parents divorced, after 30 years of marriage. Soon after the divorce was official, my dad remarried, to of all people his high school sweetheart. My mom was devastated when she found out and of course, rightly so. I didn't even know about the marriage until a year after my dad remarried. He kept it a secret.
I eventually met my now "SM" and I know it was painfully hard for my mom. I can empathize even more now, having gone through my own divorce. My parents never maintained any contact and when my two younger sons were born, my dad and mom would painstakingly avoid seeing each other even at the hospital.
Then in 2002, a year after my ex-husband and I separated, my mom moved here to be closer to my sons and I, to be able to help out. I came home from work one day, my mom had been here that afternoon, when the boys got home from school, and as I came through the door, my mom was on the phone talking with someone. I just assumed it was one of my friends, as the conversation was very pleasant and my mom was laughing. She turned to me finally and said "Oh, Lori's home, I'll give her the phone now." She handed me the phone and said "Here, it's your dad!" You could have picked me off the floor!!!
Since then, my dad and mom have totally united around me as their child, together. They then saw each other for the first time in 17 years, when my dad drove down from several states away, to go to court with me, which my mom also attended. This was their first time to be in the same room, in all that time, and it was all only about 6 months after my mom had her strokes. We all walked into court that day as a united front together and I swear you could have then picked my now ex-husband off the floor too.
Now my parents talk on the phone on a semi-regular basis. It is usually about their grandchildren (my sons) and I. My dad is still married to his second wife and she is very okay with it all.
Then two years ago, my oldest son graduated from high school. My dad, my SM, myself, the man I was dating at the time and my other two sons and my mom, all attended the graduation together. This was the first time my mother and SM ever met. It was amazing! My mom and SM actually hit it off very well and it was so strange to realize the dynamics going on around me. We didn't even realize it, until after the graduation that my ex-husband had actually attended too. He started to walk up the steps to see our son, when all the sudden he saw everyone standing there together and he did a triple take. (It was priceless!) He literally stopped in his tracks and our son had to walk over to him.
All I can say is my parents coming together like this, for the sake of my children and I, has been miraculous, wonderful, and amazing! It has been a real tribute of their love for me. I am so proud of them both for putting the past behind them and making amends. I am especially proud of my mom, because it took so much courage and strength on her part to accept my SM too, especially on the heals of two severe strokes, that have left her physically and somewhat mentally disfigured in ways.
My dad has now stepped in to help out where he can at times. He offered and just came here for two weeks, the last week in August until the first week September, as I went back to college and my younger two boys were still out of school on summer vacation. My dad then called here Monday and said that he and his wife would like to come down here for Thanksgiving this year. He realized that my mom will be here too. I asked my mom if she was okay with all of it and everyone is fine. This will be the first time ever that any of my three boys will have both of their biological grandparents together on a holiday. Besides that, they'll also have an additional grandmother too, my SM.
I know now I could do this for my children someday, because it's meant that much to me with my own parents. However, I don't ever really see my ex-husband stepping up to the plate and being that big about things. He doesn't even see the boys... Maybe one day he'll surprise all of us too? At least I know now that I could and would be able to do this for my own children, because of the example my parents have set and the wonderful experience it has been to watch it all unfold. I want my kids to have this too someday, if ever possible.
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I just love a novella with a happy ending! Thanks so much for sharing. One of the hardest things through out my divorce has been losing touch with ex. We had been together for over 33 years when he left. I came to terms with the divorce issue and have found many positives. I have been so angy at EX that I could almost bite nails. Think many here can relate to that! And though I do not want the man he has become, I miss and will always love (probably more as a beloved cousin) what he once was. Thus, it really saddens me that we cannot keep in touch on a friendly basis. Perhaps once the divorce is not so new (final in mid August) and his mind has accepted what the court considers marital assets to me, he will move beyond the current anger.
I know it would have to be much easier for our son if things could be the way it is in your family now. I am courteous and friendly to OW when I have been around her and in fact she is friendlier to me than ex is or has been. Your post tells me there is hope. Thanks.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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I thankfully do not miss having contact with my ex-husband, so I can only imagine how painful it must be. I don't like contact with my ex-husband, because even though he very rarely will call, when he does he'll call and talk, or leave a message, like we're the best of friends. It's all an act. Because he still continues to this day to make everything as difficult as he possibly can for the boys and I. I am always pleasant and cordial to him, I just don't buy his act anymore. I know what he's really like...
Our youngest son turned 10 today and my ex-husbands b-day is tomorrow. When I came home from classes today, there was a message on my voicemail, from my ex-husband to wish our son a happy birthday. I gave the message to our son and asked if he wanted to call his dad back. I didn't have to do this, but I always try to do the right thing. I made sure to remind both our sons also of their dad's birthday, before the youngest called back, so they'd wish him a "happy birthday" too. I can do what I need to do for the sake of our children, but the memories I have of him are so unpleasant, that I can truly say I do not miss him.
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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I feel the way you do Karen about my stbx. I wish I felt the way Lori does. I will always miss the man my stbx was and thats what probably makes it the hardest when I have to talk to him or see him. Looking or talking to that stranger that I don't even know and wondering where the man I loved went. Luckily we don't have children together, once our divorce is final and with NY being such a big place, I can't imagine I will ever have to see or talk to him again. But I think inside of me there will always be something missing.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Bacall
I think its only natural to feel a little jealousy when your ex is with your children. Your ex hurt and betrayed you and your children then spend time with them and enjoy being with them. It's tough. It's only natural for the children to love both parents and it's natural for a parent to feel they don't like their children being with the person that hurt them. I would think in time though this too will get easier.
Hang in there.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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mlh53
member
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 110
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Hi Bacall,
First, I really feel for you. Must be so tough having all those kids, with all those birthdays, graduations, etc. to attend when you still feel so raw about the divorce. Plus having to see all the X in-laws, the X, and them all being close and friendly, while you've been basically cut out of the picture.
I thank my lucky stars now that the X has never really been close with his family and that by the time my eldest son graduated I was relatively okay with seeing him. He also didn't bring OW/Now Wife which helped. So now by the time the younger son graduates, it should be a cake walk (at least I'm hoping so!). As for any events i.e. weddings, graduations, etc. in the X's family, I never attend. Am invited but was never a big fan of theirs and could care less if I ever see any of them again. Unfortunately I know that's not the way it is for you as you were very close and it must be sooooooooo hard being excluded now.
Anyway, in the beginning I use to get jealous too. But now that I think about it, jealousy may not be the right term. I think insecure and worried describes my feelngs back then more accurately. I was often afraid that the kids would prefer spending more time with X than me. But I fought those feelings and refused to give into them as I knew in the big scheme of things, it wasn't all about me, but more about the kids. I would tell myself whenever I felt jealous or insecure that at least our kids have a dad who loves them and wanted them in his life. That helped to put things in perspective as my love for the kids was stronger than the negative feelings I had about the X, the divorce, and who the kids spent more time with.
In any case, hang in there Bacall and try your best to take the initiative, especially during holidays, to invite them over. Try to be upbeat around them even if it seems almost impossible to. In other words, be someone they want to spend time with. But also remember that their dad is a part of them too and it's normal for them to want to spend time with him. Divorce is an awlful event and one I wouldn't wish on anyone (other than the X and OW, lol). But it's the way of the world these days and we have to learn to live with it.
One last thing. My parents divorced when I was 7. Dad left for OW and married her. It was awlful for everyone concerned for a long time. And it caused me alot of conflict especially around the holidays when I had to divi up my time between spending time at mom's and time at dad's. It was especially hard because I lived out of state and I had to make sure I spent equal time with each of them or one would feel left out. And then I'd feel guilty as all heck. So watch out for the guilt trips. Try really hard not to lay any on your kids. My parents never did and though I'd often feel guilty if I spent more time with one than the other, they never let on that they felt hurt.
Melanie
P.S. One more suggestion. Do your best to create a new life for yourself. Cultivate new friends, especially other single or divorced ones. This will help tremendously at holidays when the kids might be with the X and will also be good for your own mental health. We can never have too many good friends. This is one thing I've been working very hard at, since I have little family left and don't want to be a social burden on my kids or have them feel responsible for my happiness. It frees them to know I'm not sitting at home, alone, feeling bad. And it sure makes life alot better for me :).
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mlh53
member
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 110
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How big of your parents !!! Even though I feel way over the X, I don't know that I could spend holidays with him. I just don't like the man anymore and often wonder what the heck it was I ever saw in him in the first place. He just irritates me so much that I'm afraid, were I around him for any length of time, I'd fire some ugly comment off and start WWW III.
In any case your story is very inspiring and one I'll remember for quite some time. I just hope that some day I can do the same as your parents have done if the time ever comes.
Melanie
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