passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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[quote] Do any of you feel jealous when your ex-spouse is with your children? [/quote]
Not in the slightest. I've always encouraged the children to maintain relationships with their mother regardless of the fact that she's totally toxic. That three of them choose not to is unfortunate but they are, after all, adults and I certainly can't force the issue.
Like you, Bacall, and as you know, I have a large family. It consists of five children (the youngest will be 18 in a very few months), three grandchildren, a son-in-law, two daughters-in-law, a grandson-in-law, two adult stepdaughters and two and 8/9 step-grandchildren.
My wife and I have "shared space" with the ex at various functions over the years and I have never had a problen doing so or being civil. Neither has my wife.
The ex exists and our children are proof-positive of that. The situation is far from ideal but it is what it is and it's best to make the most of it, especially for the childrens' sakes.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi Kim,
Trust me, it took a lot of years of crap from my ex-husband and my finally getting emotionally strong enough, to be able to feel this way about him. It wasn't an overnight thing. His cheating, lying, low down ways, were certainly a major motivational tool for me.
I am guessing I didn't have the kind of marriage you had either. I loved my husband, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have stayed 18 years if I didn't. When he was in a good mood, he was so funny, charming, the life of the part. But, when he was in a bad mood, we all paid, my children and I dearly. In public he was always a delight, in private he was mean, cruel and nasty. He was also a very good looking man, at 6' 2", and I was always very attracted to him, obviously so were many others... He knew this too and his arrogance grew by the year, until he was unbearable to live with.
I was able to let go of my feelings for him, when I could finally see what he'd really turned into. I was the one to file for the divorce, when he left again for another women. I'd finally just had enough and I wasn't doing it anymore! I am sure this came as a big surprise for him. I got healthy. He often took my caring, compassion, and giving nature as a sign of weakness. I still have friends that tell me to this day that I need b*tch lessons. Maybe I do? I just won't give into taking the low road, to sink to someone else's level. I am instead learning that some people will never appreciate me for who I am and if they don't, it's their loss, no longer mine. This most definitely applies to my ex-husband!
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Dear Melanie--please check your "private message" box on DS board. Thanks, bacall
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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My folks have been divorced for...jeesh....25 or so years? Something like that. My mother pulled so much junk before, during and after their divorce, that my dad is still pretty...ummmm....upset with her. I dare say...."bitter" is probably the best word. Just recently, she relocated back to our home area and began using his last name again (even though she's been married/divorced since him). He hasn't mentioned anything, but I'm SURE it chaps his hide.
Anyway...we always do two parties. Mother's family is fairly large, so we have one "just family" party with all of them included. My dad's family is not geographically close, so it's just him and my s-mom on their side. I invite them to the kids' "friends" party. Like this year, we had a dragon party for S's 8th birthday with his entire 2nd grade class, and my dad and s-mom came to that one. If it's an event where two parties just aren't realistic or do-able, I celebrate with each of them privately, with no extended family or friends.
Obviously, there are some things you just can't do twice....weddings, graduations, etc. In those cases, I try to make the "sides" even, even if it means inviting less of mother's family to make up for the lack of family on dad's side. I seat my dad and s-mom with my friends and co-workers. It works well, because honestly....I'd just die if my friends spent time with Mother. She can freak out even the most level-headed of people. Otherwise, I just hope there's a large enough crowd that they can find opposite corners and no one happens to ring a bell. ;-)
We did just go through an....episode....a couple of weeks ago. Mother contacted him about something regarding me and he shut her down, of course. I was just po'ed that she had even called him. He started giving me all this advice about "considering the source,"....but I was kind of cranky and replied with....."Hey, Daddy....let's remember that I'm not the one who picked her."
I do wish he could just "get over it" sometimes, because it can be a big pain in the rear, but being 7+ years post-divorce myself, I understand how difficult that can be. My dad has been so loving and supportive, I feel like accomodating his request is the least I can do, no matter the inconvenience. Would your children be open to some kind of compromise like that?
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