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Reged: 03/19/08
Posts: 33
SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF
      #378174 - 03/19/08 03:44 PM

First let me say that I am not sure that I am using the anacronyms correctly... this is my first post in the forum.

I have a very serious concern and am not sure how to handle this. I am the GF of a recently divorced man, we have been dating since October 2007.

We are planning on moving in together for several reasons... first and foremost is that we love one another and have entered into a commited relationship.

Here is the issue that currently confronts us... and we both are not sure how to address the situation.

Throughout our relationship, that began as a friendship during his separation, the now ex, has continually tried to place the blame on the divorce to me. Even though my BF made the decision to divorce before he met me and we were not dating nor involved in any intimate relations during that time. BTW, I am not a friend or relative of anyone they knew in their marital history. I stopped to assist him on the side of the road when he was broken down while travelling -- true story of how we met.

We are now 5 months into our relationship and he is one month after his divorce. We have been working with a professional and seeking guidance on how to introduce our relationship to his children, ages, 13 (m), 16 (F), and 18(M). I have already met the oldest child. The professional gave great guidelines on how to "break the news" that their Dad is dating and my have a 'friend' and we were working within a several month timeline to allow them to adjust. I am and will always be completely comfortable with this.

Here's the problem.... the ex wife has been asking questions in the community and looking for someone to blame for the divorce. We are both business owners where we live and known in the community, but did not know one another or have any dealings together other than mutual casual encounters with friends that we shared but never knew we shared.

Since the separation, the ex has lived in the marital home until recently. After the divorce she and the kids moved to a new home in the area, less then 3 minutes from the marital home. When she left, the marital home was in a state of chaos.. carpets needing replaced, months of garbage left in the house and garage, and many hours of cleaning required before it could be restored to a livable condition. My BF and I spent one week cleaning the kitchen, family room, laundry room and living room together. I returned to the marital home to begin working on the bathrooms and had this unfortunate experience:

The 16 year old daughter of my BF showed up at the house, unannounced and entered the house through the patio door. Upon seeing me, she proclaimed "I guess YOU are my Dad's GF" and stormed through the house to the back door. Now, I know that she was completely unprepared for me to be in the house. My car (his former car) that I purchased from him, was in the garage, my dog was in the house and the codes to access the house has been changed. The daughter came to the rear of the house and entered unannounced through the pation door that I left unlocked as I just brought the dog in from a potty break.

She went BALLISTIC to say the least. Called her Dad ranting and raving, then her BM called her while she was still at the house.

My gut tells me that the BM set the child up to come to the house on a "spy mission"... BM already knew I was there cleaning as she came to the house the previous day and saw me with her ex-husband.

First, I am appalled that a BM would do this to a 16 y/o child.... there is enough drama for a kid dealing with divorce already....

Next, what do I do now? My BF knows the entire story and has called his ex... The ex wants him to give all the kids the details of his relationship with me.... I just don't think kids need to know every last detail until it's time.

Any advice

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Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: Banannie]
      #378216 - 03/19/08 05:00 PM

you and your BF handle to your best abilities.

I agree, there are certain parts of adulthood that are not privvy to kids...

your BF has an angry ex and even if you were the Tooth Fairy herself it will not change anything because she has in her mind blamed you for her failed marriage.

my hubby's ex does the same thing to this day 10 yrs later...whatever - denial must be nice is all I say.

if ex truely did that to her daughter than she is a piece of shyt and there may be a slim possibility of regaining any typt of trust with the poor kid.

good luck. and the old adage of counseling should be repeated.

Life is a long lesson in humility.

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Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: matart1]
      #379302 - 03/22/08 07:42 AM

Now that your timeline is out the window, you might as well give the kids some info. Their dad should explain that yes, you are a new friend that he likes a lot (or whatever) but that no, you did not cause the breakup of the marriage and that you only met in whatever month.

I also think he should tell them that he would appreciate it if they would treat you civilly because you are important to him.

If you're planning to move into "their old house" you may have to work against their resentment that you've taken their place and their mom's place. I know you may not see it that way but the teenagers are probably hurting over the breakup of their family also, and no matter how nice you are they may not accept you for some time.

Whether or not the 16 yr old was set up by the mother, your BF now has to try to deal with the kids' questions. I suggest he do this without you there. (Again, you're probably a perfectly nice person, but the kids may not be ready to get to know you yet.)

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Edited by Patrice (03/22/08 07:47 AM)

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Reged: 04/24/07
Posts: 89
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: Patrice]
      #382787 - 03/30/08 05:27 PM

You have to remember that the house is 'her house', ie the 16yo's house. She grew up there with her parents. Whether she was set up or not, dad really blew it by not telling the kids that he had lady friend helping him clean up the place. Even if she had been told, it would be a shock to show up at your childhood home a few weeks after moving out only to see another woman playing 'lady of the house'. I think you both need to slow it down if you want the kids to accept you.

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Reged: 03/19/08
Posts: 33
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: gettingby]
      #387159 - 04/09/08 07:04 AM

Thanks to all who have responded to my post. Here's an update:

We are moving ahead with the clean-up at the house. I am not bashing the ex, just that when it takes a painting contractor, me and 2 neighbors nearly 3 weeks of working 12 hours a day to get the house back into a habitable state..well, let's just say cleaning wasn't her forte.

The boys (age 13 and 18) are doing okay so far. SD is still acting out with her Dad -- and being fueled by the ex. This too was expected.

I totally agree with gettingby's comment, and would like to add that the kids did know that I would be there cleaning.

This situation just totally stinks in that the ex has been out with friends -- who just happen to be mutual friends and after a few (or more) drinks tends to tell all that she is doing via the kids to try and make life difficult. No, I don't think she'll ever change, that's not anyone's issue but hers. The BF and I are trying to get the house back into a livable condition so that there will be a place for the kids to hang out with their friends (house is on a lake with beach access)just like they have done every summer of their lives.

As far as "playing lady of the house", well that has a bit of negative connotation to me, but I'll take it FWIW. I am not playing "new mom" or "another mom", I am their Dad's companion. Like it or don't, everyone deserves a chance to be happy.

Anyway, moving day is coming up in a few weeks. I am sure this will add another level of fuel to the drama that can be used against us. We will get through it though.

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Carpal \'Tunnel

Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: Banannie]
      #387688 - 04/10/08 11:28 AM

Okay, there are 2 sides to every divorce and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

So, you need to quit bashing his ex-wife. You say you aren't then go on to say cleaning wasn't her forte - well, where was he? Why is it just her responsibility? THey both lived in said house.

His Ex will be in his life forever. THey have kids together afterall.

I still think that you are going to have a hard time with SD. SHe will always see you as the man who stole her Dad - even if you didn't.

It probably doesn't help that you were dating while he was still married (separated or not).

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Reged: 04/03/08
Posts: 226
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: 1004SRS]
      #387699 - 04/10/08 11:49 AM

Very good points in all the post.

I have to agree that you will have a difficult time with SD. She's the only girl and I hate to ask this, but how much younger (if at all) are you than the Mom. I also must ask how much age difference there is between you and the daughter. I know it sounds weird, but this will make a difference.

Just remember you are living in what these children consider to be there home. I hope you always make them feel at home.

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Reged: 03/19/08
Posts: 33
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: 092895]
      #389078 - 04/13/08 07:09 AM

Well 1004, cleaning was what he did, in addition to working 12+ hours a day. Remember though, there is only so much one person can do in a house with 3 teens, dogs, cats, etc. Anyway, perhaps that is one of the points that may have contributed to his decision to divorce.

092895, I am a year older than the ex, and 31 years older than the SD.

The children did come for their first weekend "visitation" with their Dad. I hesitate to call it visitation because the goal is to make the tranisition to having 2 homes, just not visiting at Dad's. SS16 had a sleepover with a few buddies, SD16 was very amicable during dinner and spent a few hours with me -- was nice to be able to answer her questions and concerns openly and honestly. SS18 continues to be a young man that is the spitting image of his father -- talented, great sense of humor and an old soul.

These are great kids and this house will always be their home... There are a few people committed to stopping the drama, the grandparents, their father and self included.

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recently joined

Reged: 04/01/08
Posts: 16
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: Banannie]
      #393544 - 04/23/08 11:05 PM

All I can say You knew what you where getting yourself into baggage.. How do you know if you weren't the other women to begin with. 2 sides sister.

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Reged: 03/19/08
Posts: 33
Re: SD "set up" to confront the Ex-H's new GF [Re: Linda45]
      #395209 - 04/28/08 12:30 PM

Oh Linda, surely there are two sides to every story -- more like three, his, hers and what really happened. Just an little fyi for you... no, I was not the other woman. Confirmed by his parents, his friends, her friends, co-workers and neighbors. But thanks for the vote of confidence there!

Update: Things are going much better with the SD. The boys are doing well and although we are very soon into the transition, we've found that being open and honest has gone along way with the kids.

The house is coming along and it seems so much more comfortable with the sounds of teens running rampant through the house, yard and the sounds of X-Box cheers coming from the tv... We've moved from the state of uncertainty to the kids now saying to us (and their friends) that it's great having two homes. My note: neither house is "better" than the other, neither parent is "more fun" than the other, and the kids are quite honest with both their mother and their father.

There has been some backlash between the ex-wife and my STBH about the living situation, but that was to be expected. Overall though, it is managable and not interferring with daily living of the parties involved here.

We'll keep on praying for peace and a reduction in the b.s. meter level -- that will take time and patience.

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