kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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I know my stbx is self centered, selfish, uncaring and not worth the time of day, I still find myself every once in awhile really missing him. I miss what we was, what we had and what we lost. Why, knowing that he can rip out my heart and stomp on it without a second thought, just for his selfish reasons to be with someone else, do I miss this man, my worse enemy?? I don't want to wake up and think of the yesterdays. What we did, what we shared, what we were, how do I stop that? How do I learn to focus more on who he has become?
When did the world become such a selfish place where it was every man for himself? Where values and morals meant nothing? Where marriage was a convenience that we toss aside when we're done playing house? Have we become a society of self centered people. Do we now put our needs before others when we should put others needs before ours, where love is now a fantasy. And the reality is "happily after after" is only in fairy tales?
Look around us, is there anyone that believes in fighting to stay together? In exhausting everything before you say goodbye?
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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Kim,
I know how you feel. I'm the same way. I don't think that, knowing now what my stbx has done in OUR past, I could ever again trust her. That's sad to realize, that someone you loved with all your heart, someone you desired to be with for the rest of your life, is not on the same road as you. If you sit down and think, really think about him, do you miss HIM, or do you miss the state of your life when things were good? (if ever). I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out for myself too. My brother is a recovering alcoholic and is in AA. He said his sponsor told him "quit thinking so much". Although it's very hard to do, it makes sense. There's nothing we can do to change the past, but EVERYTHING we can do to change the future. I'm a firm believer in the power of God who is directing our lives. We're hurting right now. Hurting beyond comprehension, but there will be a time when it will pass. There is a future for us all.
I've been trying to get to a DivorceSource group meeting at a church near here. I've tried for 3 weeks, but things keep coming up the day of the meetings. Last week, when I was going to go, an old friend & I went for dinner. I was going to eat, then go to the meeting, which started at 7pm. We talked at the restaurant until 830pm. I missed the meeting. But, in the course of our discussion, which by the way, was about my situation, I discover that he leads a divorce support group at his church. God closes one door, but before He does, he opens another. All we have to do is trust Him to lead us through the maze of life.
We're all going through, or have gone through, the same phase. It's hard to overcome. I had my son yesterday for the 1st time in 55 days. We had a fantastic time, but at the end, when I dropped him off to his mother, I had to think, why can't we all get in the van, go home, & be a family again? Why is this happening to us? Why did she have to do this? Why? Why? Why? (I hate that word). I don't have the answers. Maybe I never will, but if I can get myself to "stop thinking", I'll see that it will be OK.
My work puts out these little saying of the day. There have been several I've kept. One said "Gently remind yourself that life is ok the way it is, for now."
Keep your chin up.
Geoff
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alabama
enthusiast
Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 228
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...I'll be g*ddamned if I'm gonna suck on the whiney vine of sadness...
Kim, Geoff...I feel the same way...plain and simple buddies...it really sucks sometimes...thank you dear sweet lord for this board...I'm never alone...I never have to think I'm the only one who feels this crappy emotional b*llsh*t...
BUT...I've got a 5 hour rule in place for the f*ck*n frazzelies and outofsortsies...
I'll let myself drool in pity for awhile...but after 5 hours...if I ain't feeling better...fur is gonna fly...I will get my nasty butt out and about...whatever the h*ll it takes...
...Hey...Geoff...the idea is not to "STOP thinking"...but to start thinking about other things...
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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you show up out of no where.....how do you do that? I agree with you that stop thinking won't work, you have to think of something else. But sometimes that doesn't work either. Five hour rule.......nice, but hopefully this won't take that long to shake.
Hugs
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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alabama
enthusiast
Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 228
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...well, what I've noticed...is that by timing how long I feel crappy...I've found that my easily distracted mind will usually wander out of the valley of suckiness in less than an hour...
...it usually goes something like this..."oh..I feel so bad...everyone is so happy and I feel like sh*t warmed over...why can't I be with someone..."............................"oh...wait...did I leave my BEST OF LYNYRD SKYNYRD in the truck...hey...since I'm going out to the truck I might as well head on over to Subway and get me a footlong Subway melt...oh damn...baseball tonight...beer in the fridge...oh...life is good"...
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Dear Kim,
As you know, I am at the fortunate place of not missing my ex-husband. I can find humor now in things he's done, in some ways, and see him clearly for who he really is. However, I do still get hung up on just the daily hard things that happen in life, that seem to sometimes get amplified because of having lived through the hard times of divorce. I think what I miss most and maybe you too, is just having that special someone in your life to share life with. In the good and bad times... The loneliness comes in not having that.
I agree with Alabama, the board is a wonderful lifeline to others who understand our struggles, someone else who can commiserate with us, cheer us on, support us and be compassionate, understanding all our mixed emotions still at times.
Hugs,
Lori
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi "Bama",
You always make me laugh, thank you for that!
Hugs,
Lori
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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I'm sad, how do I shake the blues?? Oh..........it's 12:10 Steelers in 50 minutes. Gotta head out to my mustang and go to Fiddlers. Yeah, thats the local bar that has the Steeler game on and lots of Steeler fans. Oh and let's not forget.....drinks!!!
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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You're right, how I miss sharing my good times and bad with my stbx. Nobody to talk to, but that's not exactly true, is it?? I do have you guys and I gotta say, you listen better than he did :)
Welcome back Lori!!!
Hugs
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Kim.
LOL! Yes, head to the bar, watch the game, and have some fun! As you know, I did that this week too with a bunch of my classmates. Had my first ever experience at "Hooters", with hot wings and beer. It was so much fun!!! It just helps to get out with other people, laugh until it hurts and just unwind.
Bottoms up!
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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I will have a drink to your return Lori.
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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[quote] Look around us, is there anyone that believes in fighting to stay together? In exhausting everything before you say goodbye? [/quote]
I did. The ex didn't. End of story.
If anything happened between my wife and me I'm confident that both of us would leave no stone unturned to make it work and would call it quits only if all our efforts resulted in nada. We take our commitment to one asnother and our marriage very seriously, especially considering our ages. But most of all, because we truly love one another and were great friends first, and remain so.
Divorce would only be an option under two circumstances ~~ abuse of any kind and/or infidelity.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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I agree wholeheartedly, thus why I filed over 4 years ago. I stayed with it for 18 years, only for the same things to keep happening over and over. I finally just had enough.
I truly hope that one day I will meet someone that I become friends with first, then the rest can or cannot follow. But, even if it doesn't, I'll hopefully still have a friend in the end.
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SteelersJR1
addict
Reged: 10/03/05
Posts: 693
Loc: PA
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Kim,
After I replied this morning, I went to church. It's the church "we" used to go to. It's about the 6th time I've been there since the separation. Today was no different than the other 5-I cried just listening to the music. The pastor, who knows my issues, seemed to be looking directly at me when he said "Give your troubles to God. Let Him help you through whatever is is you're dealing with". More tears. We greet each other; 2 people we were close to as a couple hugged me. "Keep your chin up". "Hang in there". So now this afternoon is a bust. I've been on a high since yesterday I saw my son for the first time in almost 2 months. That was wonderful, but when I dropped him off, I couldn't help thinking about us as a family. Then, today, the last hymn we sung in church was titled "Sinner, Come Home", so I'm trying not to let it loose, but thinking about my family "coming home". There are some things that will never allow me to not think about this, smells, sounds, places, etc.
I'd like to just get frozen cyrogenically & wake up about a year or 18 months from now & have all this sadness & heartache be over.
Geoff
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Being defeated is only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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I think that's what's important. Peggy and I would always have been friends because we admired and respected one anotherat work and enhanced each other professionally. Never in my wildest imaginigs did I, for five years, think we'd end up together.
It just happened and I'm convinced that sometimes, that's the best way. It's like Candid Camera ~~ "One day, when you least expect it, someone's going to walk up to you and..."
[quote] only for the same things to keep happening over and over [/quote]
I'm proof positive that the defiition of insanity is correct ~~ doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! I did for 25 years. You're way ahead of me, Lori!
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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A few drinks and a Steeler victory and I'm feeling much better.
Thanks guys. It's so easy to go down memory lane and miss what is gone.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi Geoff,
I empathize, but the only way to get past the pain is to go through it. There are no short cuts or "easy" buttons to push. You will be amazed when you get a year, two, or even five years out, how much you've grown and changed for the better, because of it all. I know that's hard to see or realize right now, but it will happen... Trust me, it will.
In the meantime, that's what we are all here for, to help each other. We each have our own unique experiences, that help others here in their own unique ways. We are all survivors!
Hugs to you,
Lori
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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You have the wisest words. And you're a good example of moving on and finding love again.
Do me a favor..........give your wife an extra kiss and hug tonight, just because
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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Be happy to. Her mother ended up in the hospital yesterday (still there) so she (wife, not MIL) can use the hugs.
Here's one for you too (((((hug)))))!
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi Kim,
My ex-husband called here this afternoon, to ask to see the boys for dinner tomorrow night. Once again, he called with just a little over 24 hours notice, which is totally against our visitation agreement. As usual, I was agreeable and accommodating, for my boys sake. He was friendly as usual. I had called him earlier this week and left him a message, again that our oldest son was having problems and asked if he'd call him, he never did. He never even called me to inquire about what the problems were. He brought it up today, saying he's tried to call our son, but was unable to get through to him each time. I re-gave him his cell phone number and he then proceeded not to call our son again. This is why I don't miss him...
I also told my ex-husband about our dog, Cole. I thought he should know. This was our dog together. He bought Cole for me, after one of his disappearing acts in 1998, where he just vanished at the time for 5 months, off having an affair and then came back again. Then soon after his return, he bought Cole for us. My ex-husbands reaction to the news was very non-emotional and unsympathetic. This is another reason I don't miss him...
I've thought a lot today about the man I dated for almost a year, got very serious with and then broke things off with him back in early February. I thought about calling him today and telling him about the dogs. He loved both of them very much and he would be very sorry to hear the news and would be very sympathetic. I caught myself before I did it. As much as I'd like to tell him, talk with him, hear how he is doing, I couldn't bring myself to go there. He, at least, I have very fond memories of, even if at times he made my life nuts. There is a part of me that still loves him, misses him, but knows he just isn't good for me.
It's been a weekend of very hard emotions. The loneliness gets the better of me often too, especially after having had hard and stressful things happen, when you just want to reach out, have someone to hug and know they care. The difference is, my ex-husband never crosses my mind in that capacity anymore.
Lori
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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I am sorry to hear about Peggy's mom. I certainly empathize. Is she going to be okay?
Lori
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Lori
Doesn't that just drive you crazy when you tell your ex something you don't get a reaction at all. I don't understand that. My stbx's mother had her kidney removed due to cancer and when I talked to him, I was concerned and asked about her, of course, she was my MIL for 10 years. But when I mentioned to my stbx about my uncle being very sick and I was going to Pittsburgh to hopefully see him, nothing.....not a "what's wrong with him" or "I'm sorry to hear that". Now I don't expect him to still love me but, even you guys that I don't know respond to my sorrows. So how can you be like that when you was someone's family and a part of someone's family for such a long time. That's when I know that he's not good enough for me!!!
Stay strong and don't call this guy you use to go out with. As nice as it is to get someone's sympathy and have a shoulder to cry on, you don't want to open up an old can of worms.
Hugs
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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Thanks, Lori. She'll be fine. The woman's going to live to be 100 out of spite. :) She's just been neglecting herself and it caught up with her.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Passem
I hope everything is okay with your MIL. I'll keep her in my prayers.
Thanks for the hug, it felt good :)
Hugs
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi Kim,
Oh, I understand totally. I have known and started dating my ex-husband at 15 years old. His parents had been divorced since he was 9 and he lived with his mom. His mother did nothing for him and when he came into my life, my parents did so much for him. They became his parents. They helped put my husband through college, after we got married. They both have always been very, very good to him, my mom especially.
When my mom had her strokes in 2003, he wouldn't even help me with the kids through it all. He never asked how she was or showed any sympathy. Even after I went through it with him when he lost his father a year before we separated. A year later, after my mom's strokes, we went to a court date and both my parents went with me for moral support. My ex-husband had not seen my mom since her stokes and the strokes were painfully obvious in her physical being. He never as much looked at her, said a word to her, even asked how she was. It hurt my mom greatly. Again, why he is not missed...
This is the same man I nursed and took care of for a solid month, after he injured his back, 4 months before our separation. He wasn't able to do ANY thing for himself, I did it all, with much love, grace and compassion. What did he do in return? He turned around soon after and had another affair. It's always been and always will be, all about him.
Lori
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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Narcisstic, Anti-Social Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? Take your pick!
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Yes, to all of the above...
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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"You don't want to open up an old can of worms."
Exactly! I stopped myself long before I did something stupid. I wasn't a "Girl gone wild, with unlimited minutes" today. LOL!
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
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Anytime, Kim. MIL will survive in spite of herself.
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Depression is merely anger without passion!
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Kim, I expect that I will die missing some parts of my ex... after 30 years together, I can look back on many good times, and will miss the person he was. Nothing wrong with that IMO, unless it becomes all consuming in my life, it has not and will not. Once in a while is not a problem as long as one does not dwell on it forever.
You are thinking of what it was, not what it is.
Karen
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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You're absolutely right Karen. I look forward to the day that I can look back at things with happiness and not sadness. In time, right?
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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It does come with time Kim, I promise. In my case, we'd separated before in 1998 for 5 months and I got out a lot of the deep rooted sorrow then. I found out I could survive and I would. When things happened all over again in 2001, I'd already had a dress rehearsal of sorts and I was much stronger. It made moving on much easier.
People say it takes a good 5 years to fully recover from a divorce and I think it's true. Too many people run right out, get involved with someone new, too quickly and then end right back up in another bad relationship. We all need time to heal and it seems impossible at the time that it ever will happen, but it does.
Hugs,
Lori
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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I don't have any gems of wisdom at how disposable we become once our partners leave. I have gone through the hurt, the betrayal, the endless questions of why, analyzing it...etc I think thats normal for most although I have met some people that seem to just say f*&k it! and move on...but for most thats not the case. And intellectually we do know what they are but for some reason we still can't marry up the emotional trauma with the reality of knowing they are into themselves...from my experience time is what does the most healing....as time passes it hurts less...we do move on and pick up the pieces and start living without them. Some do it with new partners, which seems to be a good heal for those that do. Some of us take longer and have trust issues that a new partner may not be the answer right away, you know those rebound relationships. Friends, hobbies, counseling, family, etc will help ease the passage but again time is the biggest healer and sometimes no contact unless necessary. We do get through this somehow and for some we come out stronger and more directed than ever before and thats a good thing! hang in there.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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And I have to add that some of us are so far out of the dating pool that a new partner is probably not an option. Very few places to meet them and age puts me over the hump. That's only a minor complaint, because I have a very full life without a partner. I DO know that in a few years, I might be feeling the emptiness of an empty-nester, but that's a whole different thing. Just that without a spouse, it will be twice as lonely.
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Annie
I agree with you, time is a big healer. But I don't know that it ever really goes away, does it? There will always be a day that you stop and think what was.......
Nancy
How exactly do we get past the age thing. Do I leave this board and start looking for the 60 year old man on "match.com"? 40 something woman seeks man in his 60. Must enjoy romantic evenings by the fire, candle lit dinners etc....LOL. Sorry I don't think I can do that. Maybe we need a role reversal here. I want to be like the men. 40 something seeks man in his 20's, watch out Demi. Ha!! Seriously where do you go to find men our age? Certainly not the bars, not that thats a good place to look for a man but most of them are 25 or younger in the bars. Church? Most people in our age group at church are happily married (if there is such a thing) Maybe staying single isn't so bad.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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sandflea
addict
Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 447
Loc: norfolk, Virginia
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Kim
37 too old for ya? ;) I've looked into Match.com. It's kinda depressing. I actually pulled my profile, simpley because I felt like I was forcing things, when i'm still knitting up, etc. I was married to a woman 6 years my junior, and recently had a wonderful, passionate affair with a woman 5 years older. Turns out, that when it works, age doesn't matter - at least not in my book. Go after the men that turn you on, regardless of age. You might be surprised at what you find...
These are indeed strange days. Yes, we all have to cope with our past. And yes, I still wake up at 3 AM thinking about her, what she's doing, if she's OK. But, as an older man, I had that role down pat. She grew out of it. It's time i did too....
You just never know what's around the next bend. But, moving forward is the only option, so grit your teeth, and stomp on it!!
- SF
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Beaches, Bluegrass, Bach, Beer, Bodhisattva, Blisters, Bikes, Boats, Bhujangasana and Bayer
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Sorry sandflea, 37 is just a little too old for me LOL.
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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I have a rule. It's called the Rule of Conception: If he's old enough to have conceived me, he's too old. If I'm old enough to have concenived HIM, he's too young.
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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That's a good rule Nancy
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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sandflea
addict
Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 447
Loc: norfolk, Virginia
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Damn Kav - I don't look 37! Especially with the lights out ;)
I have a rule too. If you and I look at each other, smile, blush, and there's a spark. Then what the hell... The Rule of Copulation! Make Love, Not War!
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Beaches, Bluegrass, Bach, Beer, Bodhisattva, Blisters, Bikes, Boats, Bhujangasana and Bayer
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Ok, sandflea, I give.....we can turn the lights out. :) Always a smile from the board!!
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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sandflea
addict
Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 447
Loc: norfolk, Virginia
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Atta Girl. I knew you'd come around ;)
You know, keeping one's sense of humor really helps in this mess. And not taking things so damn seriously. We all romanticize our pain at times, and while I think it's pretty clear that we're all hurting too - sometimes having a good laugh is really what's needed.
Onward people. Cheers!
- SF
PS - Don't tell Lori about us!!
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Beaches, Bluegrass, Bach, Beer, Bodhisattva, Blisters, Bikes, Boats, Bhujangasana and Bayer
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alabama
enthusiast
Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 228
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...[censored]...
...MR. ALABAMA...please respond the admin PM that will follow this message. Thank you. DS ADMINISTRATION
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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>>PS - Don't tell Lori about us!!<<
Shhh, don't tell me! LOL! Caught ya! ;-) You cyber-flirt, you!
This little ladybug is flying around on "Cloud 9" today! After going through several years in manure pile, aint' nothin' gonna bring me down today! I finally feel like I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel and no, it isn't an oncoming train!
It's amazing how after you've lived knee deep in s*it for awhile, the little things make all the difference in the world. Today is a good day!!! I am thankful for it! Even with a barfing little boy at home, it isn't bringing me down today...
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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