laststraw
recently joined
Reged: 03/24/08
Posts: 2
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Back ground:
Married 20 months have 10 month old son. I knew my husband for years but refused to date him because he was a drinker and a partier and I did not want that in my life. He told me he gave it all up and we started dating. He joined the military and soon after we got married. Almost immediately after we got married, he became secretive of the money, he always had an excuse as to why I couldn't get a debit card or why my name wasn't on the bank account. He also stayed out late with friends. I confronted him a few times and asked if he had been drinking but he lashed out at me for not trusting him, etc.
When our son was born he had to be rushed to a large childrens hospital 100 miles away due to a severe birth defect. My husband and I stayed in lodging near the hospital. After a week at the hospital I had to go back to our home to take care of some business. Because of the long drive, I stayed overnight, my husband was supposed to be staying with the baby. BUT instead he went out got drunk, totaled our car, and on top of that our son had a major episode that he almost died from and the hospital couldn't get ahold of anyone because the police had his phone. The military sent someone over to tell me what had happened. I thought it was just the pressure of what was happening with our son but then they also revealed to me that this was not the first time he had been in trouble with drinking and that a few months prior he had been drunk and disorderly on base.
He promised to change, yadda yadda yadda. The military made him go to acohol counseling and he was formally disciplined. We went to financial counseling because he won't live within a budget and he hides purchases from me. We went to a few marriage counseling appointments but he does not seem to take them seriously. Three weeks ago he did not come home until after 3AM and slept on the couch because "he didn't want to disturb me" He gets angry because I don't trust him and I hold the past against him. Maybe I do, but it is very recent and how can I trust him when he is comming home at 3am? I packed up our son and left.
I'm now living 2,000 miles away. I do love my husband but I don't want to put up with his crap. I want to work it out, but I hate the way I act around him. I don't want to be suspicious of everything he does, and I don't want to be a nag yet it just comes out because I flat out don't trust him. I want to let the past go but his behaviours are not in the past... He tells me I'm being petty and that it's not fair of me not to trust him.
How can we work this out? If I want to make this work is this separation better, or is it better for us to be together. I just don't know how to approach this. I don't want to play games. I want to make sure my husband understands that I am serious and if he does not change is behavior, that I will divorce him, yet at the same time I want to be supportive of him and help him make these changes.
Oh, BTW, even though I love my husband, If it wasn't for our son, I would be long gone.
Advice??
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Patrice
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Reged: 07/21/06
Posts: 401
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If you can support yourself or have a place to stay indefinitely, I think you're better of with the separation. He may have to make the next move, ideally show you that he wants to make it work also by working on his drinking issue.
Has he contacted you since you left? Does he seem to care that you (and son) are gone?
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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
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laststraw
recently joined
Reged: 03/24/08
Posts: 2
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Patrice,
Yes he does seem to care that we are gone. We text and talk on the phone every few days, but have not yet spoken seriously about our situation. I don't think he believes I'm serious about it even though I have already found a job. He does not admit he has a drinking issue. He claims he has not drank since the night he totaled our car but I don't believe him because he has been behaving so sneaky...
The acohol thing is a HUGE problem because he KNEW I had a zero tolerance for any kind of drinking and he snuck around to do it, and was even admitted to doing it before we got married but he lied to me and had told me that he quit. Although the drinking thing is my main issue, I also have a huge problem with him hiding purchases from me. He even went so far as to lock our bank account website on the computer so I couldn't go on and check where the money has been going. I never understood before why couples would get divorced over money, but now I understand! it's not the money but the sneaking and lack of respect that goes along with it.
As for a place to stay and to support myself, Yes. I have several options of places to stay including my Mother-in-law's house who has been very encouraging to me in this situation, and my own family. I got a job after only few days of leaving, but can only work part time due to having to take care of our son. I have applied for low income housing and will be able to get an affordable place of my own within a few months. (I'm hoping to be back with my husband by then but I want to make sure I have a permanant place to stay if things don't work out.
With everything, he twists it to avoid accountability. He thinks I'm overreacting over something "small" (him coming home at 3am)He thinks that we are equally to blame for the problems in our marriage and the reason he does not like marriage counseling is because he thinks the counselor is against him and blames him...I can't seem to make my husband understand, the fault DOES lie with him and that's why the marriage counselor spends more time working with him to help him correct his behavior. He just can't grasp that drinking, staying out late, lieing to your spouse, refusing your spouse access to see the money ETC, is not on the same level with the stuff I'm working on changing with my behavior such as stomping my foot when I'm mad, or taking more care when preparing meals... both things by the way I have been working on very hard and have not stomped my foot since we started counseling, and I've been learning how to prepare meals in a crock pot before I go to work so he can eat a good meal when he gets home even though I'm still at work.
Sorry for the long windedness... I can't talk to my family about this because I don't want them to hate my husband more than they already do.
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tnartist
recently joined
Reged: 03/27/08
Posts: 9
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sometimes family can "see" things when we can't...
i say that it's good you found out this early and have the option to keep him out of your life now - i believe that people rarely change, but esp when they do not readily acknowledge that they are part of the problem
lying to you, being mentally abusive, and an irresponsible parent?!
good riddance, try to move on without him - the "feelings" of love will pass if you can truly put this behind you - anytime your partner would treat you this way?! it is not worthwhile because he's not willing to try to work on it - he sounds controlling and manipulative. maybe he's young and will grow out of it, but do you want to spend 10 years waiting for him to grow up?
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