Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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I have nowhere to live, to go, no family left to speak of if something were to happen. I am beginning to think I made a mistake when I met/got involved and married H. He is so anti social, is content to sit at the computer or read, that I feel at a loss. I was always outgoing, meeting people, making friends; then I moved 1,000 miles from home and here I am. We'll be together for nearly 10 years, married 5. He used to be romantic, when he was having the "affair" with me. Now? His idea of romance is to work on my car, wash it, do stuff in the house. He did buy a car and gave it to me while I gave him my nearly 2 year old one. He traded in his truck that he LOVED. I felt really uncomfortable with that, but he said it was 5 yrs old and time to do it. Both my parents are dead, I have no other family (don't count my sister), just a cousin back in Chicago; who also lost his sister, dad and mother. Am I looking for something that doesn't exist or should I be happy that he has always been there for me, when I spent 4 months back home with mum until her death. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I leave him and give up everything here? A house, furniture, a man who is my rock? His kids "acknowledge" me, but I keep my distance. When I look at pictures on their myspace of the mother and her fiance with them and the grandchild, I get sick to my stomach. When they come here, it's so BORING for them, that they leave within an hour or so. I'll never be close to them, they know I was the "other woman". At this point, there is nothing left for me but to stay here.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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Char - seek a doctor for your depression.
it does not sounds like you have an unhappy marriage per se but one that has fallen in a seditary sameness kind of rountine.
if you want o rekindle the relationship then strat putting lit candles on the dinner table when you eat, fresh flowers in the house, mint on pillows, bubbles in the bath, planned romantic getaways or who knows, buy a bondage kit - whatever strikes your fancy but it is completely normal to fall into a boring routine.
I wake up, go to work, kids come home, I come home and I make dinner (unless we go out), homework inbetween dinner making, kids bathe, kids go to bed, (I'm doing housework inbetween all that)then I'm too tired to have a wind down period and cuddle with husband sometimes, go to sleep and start all over...once in awhile we are able to break our routine. sometimes it is boring and sometimes we make it fun because we make changes.
if you do not want to be a part of any relationship with your husband's kids because you distance then why would you expect any different.
your hubby is not with you because of any obligation of a 10 yr old affair - he is with you because he would love you. you are each others family.
what exactly would be rosey and greener if you were not with your husband..?? what would be so improved really..??
your not a bad person but you do sound like you have a serious depression problem.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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Being nearly 48, one of the things I was reading about menopause was the swings in moods, the gloom and doom scenarios that play in your head. As far as the kids go, I just didn't know how to approach them, didn't know how to get close to them or even be a step parent! I lived with my mother until I was 39. I was clueless about how to be around kids. I know it's my own fault that I'm not closer to the s-kids. I do try a little harder now that they are adults. But growing up, I felt they had parents, who am I to step in where I wasn't wanted or needed? I'm seeing my GYne on Friday and telling him enough is enough. LOL.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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oh Char look at it this way.
you don't have to be a stepmother figure or anything, kind of like your next door neighbor or office worker. you can kind of just be there, be friendly and be you. pop popcorn, drink some pop and talk about maybe that you noticed some particulary interesting sale ads in the paper and do you maybe want to go window shop and hit a Starbucks...trivial things. it doesn't have to be perfect.
I suffer from migraines. bad migraines. it is by no means controlled and I feel like a lab rat to my doctor trying to figure it out.
depression. yep. cymbalta helped but I do think that I may need to see a doctor to talk more in depth about the depression as my family doctor thinks the migraines and lack of sleep is taking a toll.
menopause. my Aunt went through menopause in her early 40's and there have been times that I think my body is just out of wack also.
you don't have to be your stepkids best buddy. just be friendly and everything will all fall into place. but your really need to put the past behind you. it is hard but it seems to only serve to keep you unhappy. no need to keep punishing yourself.
your not a bad person and much fun to talk with here.
it sounds like you have tried to reach out before to your stepkids and they were receptive but then you pulled back...just go with it and try to view it as enjoying the relationship of another adult, no titles, just another adult.
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Why not let your husband worry about his kids being bored and not staying long? It does not sound like your DH has had a good relationship with his kids for some time.. perhaps he never has. That is something he needs to work on, not you. Perhaps the steps are uncomfortable in your home, perhaps they would just like to spend some time with their Dad.. maybe they need to "clear the air" with him and can't do that with you there?
I think you were thinking that his grown kids would fill the childless void in YOUR life. Little step kids might do that.. grown, adult step kids are another thing. Often they don't think of a step parent as that, rather they are Dad's wife or Mom's husband. It is nothing personal, just the way it often is with adult kids.
Our son was 23 when EX left our 30 year marriage, almost 6 years ago now. Our son came right out and said it.. he is an adult, he has a Mom and Dad, has no need of a step. A step will have had nothing to do with raising him etc. and if he ends up with a step she / he will simply be .. Dad's wife / Mom's husband. etc.
Trying to force a relationship would be a mistake IMO, and could just drive his kids further away. If seeing the pics on their My space bother you... stop going there. Menopause can cause depression. You really should see a doctor about that. This has been a recurring, on and off thing with you for several years now hasn't it?
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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Char9
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2942
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Yes, it has. I think it is heredity. Mum suffered from depression and negativity for most of her life. Even though I have those "days", I refuse to take any anti depressants for it. I tried the Prozac, became a zombie. I tried other meds and they all did the same thing; made me feel even more lethargic, out of it, and totally not interested in s*x. Which is already a problem now. LOL. I'm not trying to force the relationship with the kids, although I have been in their lives for 10 years now, it's just sad. H never forced a relationship either, b/c he didn't want to make things worse for the kids when they were with their mother. She would scream and yell at him, telling the kids nasty lies about him. They know better now, b/c he has helped them so much. Now, if they need something fixed, they don't call BM or her fiance, they call their dad. 
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