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Aly
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Reged: 09/11/05
Posts: 6
I'm new and this is a little dicey
      #31378 - 09/11/05 09:00 AM

Ok so I'm new here and I would rather die than write this, but since this forum is for abuse I thought I would try. I will be as delicate as I can. I have been married for 11 years and for all 11 I think I have been sexually abused. I have talked to my husband about it and he said if I would initiate sex more that he wouldn't have to do it. Here's the thing he never held me down against my will or threatened me. All he did was say go upstairs which I did because I knew if I didn't he would be ownry with me and the kids. Don't get me wrong I wasn't always like this in fact I enjoyed sex before him. I wasn't a slut but had slept with a couple boyfriends. The boyfriend before him was so giving in bed it was all about me so I in return made it all about him. It was wonderful, but when I met my husband it was all about him. I suggested trying to make it about me and I would make it about him, but he said he didn't believe me so he was out for what he could get. When we were first married I said no to certain things and got mad, but as time went on and he wouldn't stop I just gave up. I sort of told my mom and she acted like because he didn't force me physically that it probablly wasn't sexual abuse. I didn't have sex as much as I should have, but he said really hurtful things in bed(too embarassing)and lets just say he didn't know what he was doing. I just wanted some clarity plus I'm scared I'll never be able to be with anyone else ever. And did I mention I used to like sex lol
Thnks for listening.
Aly(so embarased)


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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Re: I'm new and this is a little dicey [Re: Aly]
      #31383 - 09/11/05 09:36 AM

Well your mother is basically correct. You're agreeing to it, so it's not forced. However, it's all dependent upon what you mean by him getting "mad". Just being mad isn't abusive either, though it can fall into emotional abuse, it's still not physical. You still have the right to say no to him and if he's mad about it and holds a grudge, but isn't violent, then so what. Let him stew. Maybe he'll eventually figure out that he won't get what he wants by being that way. If however, by mad, you mean he's violent, then it's abuse and you need to get a restraining order and get him out of the house. Ultimately, whether he's physically abusive or just emotionally, it's not working for you. So you need to come to a decision about how long you will continue in that kind of relationship.

--------------------
Char Fox


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Rebecca5
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Reged: 06/02/05
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Re: I'm new and this is a little dicey [Re: Aly]
      #31387 - 09/11/05 09:53 AM

Sexual abuse is not always "forced," so don't let your mom convince you that it's your fault. That's one of the reasons that so many young victims of sexual abuse have such a difficult time recovering....because no one held them down, tied them up or beat them into submission. There is no, "I didn't have as much sex as I should have" bullshit....so stop that. In a loving relationship, filled with mutual respect, sex is a complimentary aspect. There is no certain amount that's the magic number....you have done nothing wrong.

I would certainly call what he is doing sexual manipulation...if not sexual abuse.

What do you see as your options? Counseling? Divorce? Coping?

What are you willing to do to force a change in your household?


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sandflea
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Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 447
Loc: norfolk, Virginia
Re: I'm new and this is a little dicey [Re: Rebecca5]
      #31398 - 09/11/05 12:00 PM

Two people that love each other have intimate contact in a way that makes both of them feel whole, complete, warm - two becoming one. In my relationships, the best intimacy (and sex is a PART of that) is when there is a connection - an electricity - between two assured, open, and kind people who happen to end up in bed together. The sex is just a portion of an overall loving, touching, caring association.

If you are embarrased about what's going on in your bedroom, and you husband is getting defensive when you try to discuss it with him, then yeah - that's abuse. Even if he never touched you in a violent way. Tell me, do you guys laugh when making love? Do you have eye contact? Does he try to please you too? If not, that's not making love. At least not in my book.

My friend recently turned me on to the "Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love". It has a set of rules for "putting out". Review the rules. Take back the reins hon. He has a right arm for his "embarrasing" fantacies. You are his wife. 50/50, (with occasional selflessness ;) - should be the rule.

YMMV - My opinion. No offense intened. Etc etc...

- SF

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Beaches, Bluegrass, Bach, Beer, Bodhisattva, Blisters, Bikes, Boats, Bhujangasana and Bayer


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allison
newbie


Reged: 09/24/05
Posts: 44
Loc: So Cal
Re: I'm new and this is a little dicey [Re: Aly]
      #33505 - 09/25/05 08:32 PM

I have to agree that forced sex or a threat of violence is not what is necessary to constitute sexual abuse. In California domestic violence by sexual abuse is defined by as little as "unwanted touching". My husband, and I am going to be graphic, bit me, backhanded my face with rings on (not wedding, big chunky ones), choked me, tie me up and sodomize me forcable, insert foriegn (not sex toys) things - these things were very sexually exciting for him and he was able to hold it for more than 30 seconds if this is the kind of sex we were having. It didnt start this way, but it became this way.

Otherwise, he was completely dull. He would "insert" 5 or 6 times a night or wake me up, or sometimes not bother to wake me up first, or force my face on his "privacy" sometimes so hard I would throw up. Since it didnt last long and he didnt want to waste time, he would either spit on his hand or directly on me, that was his version of "foreplay". He would cower I tried to iniciate anything, as if I were dirty and gross. I am a pretty girl, young looking, thin - not unattractive. I worked very hard to please him with my looks because he would comment about other women, especially those who were even a little bit chunky and say, "gross, who would want to f**k a her - I'm so glad your not like that". I cant tell you how many times I would be crying while he was taking care of business, and he never once noticed.

I was in my early 30's when got together but I had known him from high school - so there was an unspoken acceptance that i didn't revisit when these things started happening. Had he been a total stranger, I may have seen it otherwise. This guy is so disgusting - he has told me of at least 4 abortions he paid for - FOUR! - after our son was born he said he didnt want any more children and said he would get a vasectomy - instead he pulled out for two years and told me if I accidently got pregnant (I love children and wanted more - have one "little angel" I gave back to God and will never make that choice again)I could have an abortion - So two years later, after I told him that I don't think it's right for him to force me to share myself if I dont want to (because he said "I dont have to get a vasectomy, it's MY body and MY choice")he ran out and got one and then felt entitled to it ALL.

I was so afraid of him, and now I used to only getting pleasure during the sex we have that is violent, because it is the only time he could last more than a minute or 30 seconds and seemed to have control over his libido. He could make it last because this was a game he really liked. I don't - I didn't like it, I got used to it....and it was the only time he really "paid attention" to me during sex.

Please understand, it goes hand in hand with all sorts of other control that he managed to create and I somehow was blind to and had esteem issues he fed on. Somehow I didn't see the systematic isolation that was happening to me. Plus, I had never had a serious relationship, but had a son from a previous short lived boyfriend and so I was only guessing at "normal" and was pretty much only around his family or home alone with the kids. I started to wake up when I saw my children treating me like he did, bullying me. I realized my worst fear was that my boys (2) would grow up to be like him, would treat their wives and their children as they had learned from him.

Please forgive my graphic response. It is very hard to write this but I have never really discussed it - even with my therapist. I cant even believe the words I am writing and I lived this. If I wasn't me writing this I would think the person was really trajic. Except, when I said "no" it became a game I knew I was going to lose. So I learned to give up, cause it was going to be taken anyway. At least I felt some sence of control. But now I see how wrong that was and dont know how many years it will take for me to trust in people and myself again.

--------------------
Its always darkest just before it goes pitch black" - www.despair.com


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O2inhead
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Reged: 10/11/05
Posts: 1056
Re: I'm new and this is a little dicey [Re: allison]
      #36744 - 10/13/05 01:27 PM

All I can say is I am glad you talked about it...Got it out...that is the first step and now you need to GET OUT...as hard as it may seem that man is not a man. You need to leave and get the help you need to move on with your life.

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allison
newbie


Reged: 09/24/05
Posts: 44
Loc: So Cal
Re: I'm new and this is a little dicey [Re: O2inhead]
      #38515 - 10/24/05 04:11 PM

Thank you - I was so embarrassed about what I wrote I was hoping no one would read it. I don't know what happens in other people's personal lives, I dont know what is "normal" but what I do know is that I felt humiliated the entire time I was married to him.

I still feel that way and it is very hard for me to see his hands anywhere but at my throat. Even though the physical relationship is over, I have no contact with him at all, legally, financially, he is still in control. It is a very hard thing to remove the memories and to forgive myself. And that is my responsibility now.


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