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motorboater
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Reged: 03/14/08
Posts: 921
Re: Sure he did... [Re: christine1]
      #393030 - 04/22/08 06:29 PM

Let's see. Dad really wants to pay less child support and to change the schedule to live with the kids in the summer. You really don't want that.

Because he doesn't come to visit once a month as it is, so they can't go instead in the summer. And dad saw them less than that last year, so they can't go now in the summer. And he doesn't have a close relationship with them, so they can't go in the summer. And that he abandoned you and has a new girlfriend, so they can't go in the summer. And he doesn't call once a week so far, so they can't go in the summer. And he cancelled visiting in April and May, so they can't go in the summer. And (unstated) your concern seems to be if they do go in the summer, you might get less money (because your costs go down accordingly).

Regardless of how you've painted him, or how awful he actually is in the real world (and true, he doesn't sound wonderful), you come across as punitive and controlling. "He didn't do things the right way in the past, so I won't allow this new way. And it might cost me money (legally, justifiably -- but still, I want the money!)"

I mean, probably he'll back out of the summer because that seems to be his pattern, right? And so it'll be a non issue. But why OPPOSE this latest chance at establishing a better connection between dad and kids? Because you can and have that power as CP? Because he's not "good" enough? Perhaps this is the one way that might work for him, allows him to avoid you, and the long drive and so on, and cancels your concerns his lack of familiarity with their daily school lives and whatnot. It seems it MIGHT work out better than any other schedule tried so far. To disallow it because he's been a prick in the past seems vengeful, not well intentioned.

I'm not saying it's easy to be the bigger person. I've frequently been a prick. But I do know I should try to be nice, and do what I can to foster a great relationship between kids and BM.

One thing that frustrates posters about boards like this is most everyone tends to have a well-honed story that generates sympathy in real life, which portrays themselves as the good, innocent, victims of an awful ex. But in the harsh light of a message board, that stance is easily questionable and frequently sketchy.


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Rebecca5
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Re: Sure he did... [Re: christine1]
      #393151 - 04/22/08 11:10 PM

Like it or not, people here have a lot of experience, and little patience for BS (though everyone could use a lesson in kindness sometimes). If you want a question answered from every possible perspective - give it a go. If you want everyone to pat you on the head and tell you that your ex is the Big Bad Wolf, try www.allfathersaredisposable.com.

For what it's worth, I had no financial and no physical support from the ex for...well...always. I had a 4 year old, and a toddler with ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia)...no family help, and was working (on non-St. Jude weeks) close to 80 hours a week, every week.

It CAN be done. It HAS been done. Now I have a couple of awesome kids who are bright, funny, intelligent and....honestly? Stunning.

I have sympathy for your situation. However, I have little patience for people who don't want to actively problem solve to help the situation. They would rather put up roadblocks to any attempt to change their lives because it's safer, and easier....today. It is NOT easier in the long-run...at least not for the children.


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motorboater
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Re: Sure he did... [Re: christine1]
      #393153 - 04/22/08 11:31 PM

Not to mention

A distant relationship between kids and NCP is a TERRIBLE reason to oppose a new schedule for more time between them.

A history of failed visitation schedules is a TERRIBLE reason to oppose trying a different schedule, to the NCP's liking.

Potential loss of CS to you proportionate to parenting time is a TERRIBLE reason to oppose more parenting time for a NCP.

Not telling the board your backstory is a TERRIBLE reason to blame the board when judgement is passed without having much "insight."

And adding to your story when initial responses aren't supportive/sympathetic enough is a TERRIBLE way to come across as straightforward and honest. It essentially proves you are fishing for supportive responses, and might just be fabricating what it takes to generate such responses until you hear the answer you want.

Though, that all said, rude lashing outs are unnecessary. Take them as "bravado" inspired by behing behind the wall of anonymity message boards provide. In fact, embrace them for what they're worth because you can really get gut knee-jerk responses from the "id" psyches of some tortured souls and cut through a lot of social phoniness with very little effort here :)


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christine1
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Reged: 04/21/08
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Re: Sure he did... [Re: motorboater]
      #393461 - 04/23/08 05:50 PM

Hi,

The child support has nothing to do with why I do not want them going with during the summer.

Their psychologist has told me it would be unhealthy for them to be thrown into a situation with someone that they do not know, he said he needed to develop a relationship so that the kids would feel comfortable with him. I agree with his assessment. The kids were also asked if they would want to spend the whole summer with him and they said no. They would like to spend some time, like long weekends etc. After then they would be more comfortable.

I want my children to have a relationship with their dad regardless of what some of you may think............Money has nothing to do with it.

Thanks.


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motorboater
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Re: Sure he did... [Re: christine1]
      #393472 - 04/23/08 06:30 PM

Well, you DID focus on the reconsideration of CS in your original post a lot, including IT'S TITLE. So, you know, impressions are not formed out of nowhere.

So start with two long weekends in June. See how that goes. Then two full weeks in July, contingent on the two long June weekends not being catastrophes. Then three more weeks in August, again contingent on July not collapsing in failure. Or something like that. There. Six weeks-ish. This summer. Lots of checkpoints. Not just "three months no mom." Problem solve here, Christine :)

Besides, he'll likely back out anyways so you won't have to worry, right?

The point is, you COULD foster their relationship and allow it to happen, not just say you want an improvement but refuse to flex. If there's a new proposal on the table FROM HIM to finally reconnect with the kids, why force him back into the schedule/way that failed everyone already?

What do you get other than control, security, and the perception of being the better parent?

And ask the kids if they want to spend the whole summer in Disneyland. They'll probably say yes. Maybe that's where you should put them, then. IOW, it's not really about the kids' answer, its about a broken relationship that kids have NO idea (or even responsibility) how to repair. It's up to dad to step up to the plate, and you to not block it.


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sally1234
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Re: motion to reconsider childsupport [Re: christine1]
      #393490 - 04/23/08 07:27 PM

I think sometimes people use a cookie cutter for each situation when offering advice - it is hard sometimes to give an opinion if one does not know all the circumstances. Having said that - it sounds like a toxic relationship with their father at best. Summer custody - no way!

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ssmom79
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Re: Sure he did... [Re: christine1]
      #393493 - 04/23/08 07:33 PM

It appears that your post is about child support last I checked child support is given in the form of money, so the money has a lot to do with it.

You can't expect your children to have a relationship with their father if you don't allow them to be there. My nephew sees his father ONLY in the summer. He's fine. He's been doing this since he was 7 years old. He's well adjusted and doesn't need a psychologist. If your children would like to get to know him more, I think long weekends is a great start. You should do your best to facilitate a relationship between them and their father. It's best for the kids.


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motorboater
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Re: motion to reconsider childsupport [Re: sally1234]
      #393503 - 04/23/08 08:23 PM

[quote] Summer custody - no way! [/quote]

You just used a cookie cutter.


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almostheaven
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Save the email.... [Re: christine1]
      #393939 - 04/25/08 07:26 AM

It will be very helpful in court when you ask for your attorney fees.

--------------------
Char Fox


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almostheaven
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I guess I'm missing something here... [Re: motorboater]
      #393941 - 04/25/08 07:30 AM

I thought she DID state she'd TRIED getting him to take long weekends and a week on holidays like Christmas and that he wouldn't? So what else is she supposed to do? She's offered, he's refused. So he takes her to court for CS. So she titles her post that because well...that IS what he's taking her to court for. And then he throws in that he wants summers. He won't take long weekends, he won't take week long holidays. He wants all or nothing. HE won't negotiate. He even emails her that the ONLY reason he wants this is because she didn't drop DOR and his CS didn't get reduced.

Or, maybe *I'M* not missing anything.

--------------------
Char Fox


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